Chunk chunk chunk(slant). The sound of gravel crunching leaked through Pyro's gasmask. He turned. " Mmphuh? MMPHHUH?" he shouted. Something... wasn't right. Footprints leading to the middle of the path and stopping, pointing forward parallel to the walls. Was that.. a puff of smoke? "Merde," said the puff.

Pyro aimed his flamethrower and out came the flaming napalm that incinerated the Spy.

"Mmuphuphupher." The Pyro sighed. A Spy trying to steal the intelligence? Blue was getting desperate. At first, there were Scouts: fast but unintelligent. Running in to the intel room, one after another. Did they not know the meaning of strategy? Speaking of Scouts, the night before while Sniper was scouting, she saw something. Pyro wondered when the Administrator had become an equal opportunity employer. Women could be just as insane as men, and insanity makes a good mercenary. Then there was an ubercharged Heavy that attempted to take out sentries and teammates. Pyro separated him easily from his Medic and he was killed almost immdiatley.

...

The match had ended early after an amazing capture by the Demowoman. When asked about it, she said in an out of tune sing-songey voice, "When you're high as kite, and you have to fight, the pot in my bong will grow you strong!" Red had seen few casualties: Engineer's respawner was near out of use. Pyro was one of the few who had died not once. Because of this, he also had a bullet stuck in his left buttock left unnoticed until he tried to sit down in the rec room. "FFPHUUPH!" he yelled, the scream muffled by his gasmask. Scout shot up from his seat. "The fuck is wrong with you, Pyro? Ya had me scared for a minute there. What's wrong?" This Scout was more polite than his predecessor, but his Boston accent said otherwise.

Instead of answering, Pyro dashed out of the room down the hall to Medic's office. On the way there Pyro noticed a picture of the RED team mercenaries posing behind a small card that said "RED 1969". They looked happy, their frozen laughs forever trapped in this photo. Pyro tried to remember to remind himself of where this was so he could look at it without this bullet in his ass.

When Pyro arrived at Medic's office he strained his eyes to look through the glass in the door. There she was, he thought. Pyro threw himself through the two doors and screamed at the top his lungs in (false) anguish. Medic dropped the charts she was holding and rushed over to help as Pyro "stumbled" and nearly fell. "What happened Pyro?"

"Mmuphumm!" he wailed and pointed to his rear. "Buuphet."

"Your bum? Oh, your butt."

"Phess." Pyro pointed again. "Bbuphet."

"How was this bullet still there after the battle? Did you use a dispenser?"

Pyro shook his head.

"Well, I guess I'll have to remove it surgically then."

Fuck. Pyro had bitten off more than he could chew. He was expecting medigun treatment. He had forgotten, however, that mediguns weren't usable outside of battle. Pyro was afraid of needles and surgery and anesthesia and xrays. Fuuuuuck. And all he had wanted was for the incredibly attractive Scandanavian beauty that was Medic to feel bad for him.

...

Scout awoke to the sunlight shining in through the window of Sniper's camper. She got out of bed, careful not to touch Sniper. He was a very light sleeper. Where the fuck did I put my shirt? Scout wondered. Forget it, I'll just borrow one of Snipes'. He has got to have a t-shirt somewhere. She checked his drawers for shirts. All Scout found was the same outfit he wore all the time. Not as dirty as Spy thought he was, eh? Whatever, she thought as she pulled a blue button down shirt from under a pair of brown slacks. "Wonder if he's got any Bonk?" Scout said out loud.

"I don't." Sniper sat up and yawned, covering his mouth as if raised by nuns and not the Australian Outback. "Morning, Annie."

"S'up Dave. Sooo, if you don't got any Bonk, where's your coffee maka'?"

Dave smiled. He enjoyed listening to her attempt to muffle her thick Bronx accent. "It's in the cupboard."

...

Pyro woke up in a medicbay bed. "Mediccc..." His mask! Where was it? "Hey, Medic! Medic?" His voice, coarse from past arsons, strained to reach a higher volume. He gave up and tried to roll over onto his left side. "Fuck!" He flipped back over and drifted back to sleep.

When he awoke again Medic was sitting on the edge of the bed. "Hello, sleepyhead!" She grinned at Pyro as she turned her head to look at him. "Finally decided to wake up, did you?" Pyro coughed out a meek "Yes" and almost immediately placed his hand on his flame-scared face. "Where's my ma-" He coughed.

"Your mask?" Medic looked puzzled. "Oh... it's on my table with the rest of you things."

"Can I...walk now? I mean, is the bullet gone?"

"Yeah, you can walk, but the bullet wound won't fully heal till I hit you with my Medigun beam."

"So it won't get healed until Monday?"

"Yeah. Sorry."

Medic pulled herself off the bed and stood up. She turned took a step, stopped, giggled, half-turned and said, "Looks like someone else woke up with you, he he."

Pyro started to look around then realized. "Ohhh." His already red face reddened even more.

...

Scout sat on one side of one of the two large couches watching Sniper destroy Heavy in a game of Super Street Fighter 4. He yawned. "Yo Courtney, you gonna give me a try anytime soon?"

"Well, I-" Sniper started.

"She cannot! Heavy has to beat her! One more match, il sara facil!" 1 Heavy's french broke into every thing he said. The Canadian had cheated his way through Rosetta's Stone.

"Andre, we all know I'll destroy over an' over again. That's just fact, innit?"

"Non, je gagner ai! Uh um... Heavy will win!"

"I'll play da winna then" Scout piped up, wanting this competitive talk to stop before it turned into foreplay. "That's fair, ain't it?"

The match started and almost as fast as it had started. Sniper jaw dropped. "I can't Adam and Eve2 it."

"Heav-y wins, Heav-y wins. Give Scout the controll-er." Andre sang, putting his accents on the wrong syllables.

"Hey ya dumb Brit, give it!"

"Eh eh, don't get your Alan Whickers in a bunch. Here." Sniper stood up, strolled over to Scout, and handed him the Dualshock. Then she turned and walked to Heavy, giving a small kiss on the cheek. "I'll be seeing you tonight. I'm sick of the kit kat shuffle3." Sniper left the rec room.

Scout was surprised. "Holy shit, you two are fucking?"

"Oui" was all Heavy could say.

1. It'll be easy!

2. I will win

3. female masturbation