((Author's Note: In case the title didn't make it obvious, this is a WiR-themed parody of Dr. Seuss's How the Grinch Stole Christmas, so if you've not read the book or seen the classic 1966 animated film [Shame on you!], you will probably be at a loss. Also, this fanfic is set 3 years before the events of the movie, so expect to encounter minor amounts of Vanellope hate. Anyways, happy reading and Merry Christmas!))
Every Sugar Rush racer liked Christmas a lot,
But the GLITCH, within Diet Cola Mountain, did NOT!
The Glitch, aka miss Vanellope Von Schweetz,
Stood atop her abode made of sugary eats,
Looking down at the racers in Sugar Rush Square,
Who, on this Christmas Eve, were all caroling there.
Now, Von Schweetz hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
And she had, far as she was concerned, a good reason:
'Twas the unfair exclusion on those racers' part
That had left the Glitch with a mere Level 1 heart.
For the Glitch knew quite well what would happen tomorrow:
All the game's girls and boys, to Vanellope's sorrow,
Would rip open their presents, and get their new toys,
And the whole blasted game would be buzzing with noise.
And they'd play, and they'd play, and they'd play play play PLAY!
But would they be willing to share them? No way!
Surely not with the Glitch- why, she'd make them all break!
For the racers all thought she was just a mistake,
Just an unfinished outcast who didn't belong.
Keeping her in submission just kept the game strong.
Then they'd all get together, and have a grand brunch,
Eating Gloyd's candy corns or Jubileena's cherry crunch.
And they'd feast, and they'd feast, and they'd feast feast feast FEAST!
That was something the Glitch couldn't stand in the least!
And then, they'd do something she liked least of all:
Every Sugar Rush racer, the tall and the small,
Would all get together… for their big Christmas race!
But they still would exclude the poor Glitch, just in case,
'Cause one tiny mistake and she might break the game.
More than anything else, this set Von Schweetz aflame!
They'd race, and they'd race, and they'd race race race RACE!
And they'd once again deny her the chance at first place,
The chance to prove she was a real racer too!
"That's it!" sneered Vanellope out of the blue.
"I've had it with Christmas! Worst time of the year!
And tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
And the more that she thought of this whole Christmas race,
The more the Glitch thought, "I can't let it take place!
Jeez, for nearly twelve years I've put up with it now!
I gotta stop Christmas from coming! …But how?"
Then she got an idea. A horrid idea.
The Glitch got a horribly horrid idea!
"What if I turned the tables and stole Christmas Day?
After all, if I can't race, then neither can they!"
Reclining against a large beam made of tarts,
She thought, "They can't race… if they don't have their karts!"
All at once, the Glitch pulled out her Likkity Split,
And then grabbed some spare wrappers from her candy pit,
And she fashioned a Santa Claus outfit right quick.
"All I need is a beard, and I'll look like Saint Nick!"
Vanellope glanced out the window once more,
As the racers returned to their houses to snore.
"Game over, chumps!" The Glitch said with a smirk.
Then she hopped in her "sleigh", and she pedaled to work.
As out of her volcanic home the Glitch sped,
She could not help but notice the voice in her head.
It was singing a song as she raced through the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow…
You're a sour one, miss Von Schweetz,
You're just a big mistake!
You're as cuddly as an Octorok,
You're charming as a snake,
Miss Von Schwee-eetz!
You're a race car driver- with a license that's fake!
You're a sinner, miss Von Schweetz,
Your heart's an apple core!
Your soul is full of monkey brains,
Your code is full of gore,
Miss Von Schwee-eetz!
Taking a good look at you, by my estimation you have a sweetness stat of… negative eighty-four!
As the voice sung its song, the Glitch sped without care
So fast she nearly missed the first house on the square,
And the stop that she came to was rigid and rocky.
The label on this house's mailbox read, "Zaki."
"Stop number one!" the wee Glitchy Claus sneered,
Adjusting her fake shredded coconut beard.
She grabbed a few bags, climbed up top to the roof,
And she jumped down the chimney, landing with an "Oof."
The house of the Zakis was done up all dapper,
With the presents surrounding the Veloci-Wrapper.
Vanellope bagged all the gifts, one by one,
And sent them up the chimney, 'till the whole job was done.
The Glitch wiped the sweat off her face just a smidge,
And then, grabbing another bag, raided the fridge.
Running off with the poor Zakis' grand feast in tow,
"That kart," the Glitch said, "Is the last thing to go!"
But the Veloci-Wrapper was too big to fit,
No matter how hard the Glitch tried. "Aw, that's it!
If I gotta push it through the front door, I will!"
Then the faint sound of "Santa!" made Vanellope stand still.
It was Minty Lou Who, with her palette swaps two,
And the sugary racer was looking all blue.
"Santa," said Minty, as they stared eye-to-eye,
"Why are you taking our racing car? Why?"
But you know that the Glitch was so sly and so smart-
Yes, Vanellope's wits were as quick as her kart-
She thought up a lie, and she thought it up quick!
"Young lady," she said in the voice of Saint Nick,
"This kart is in critical need of repair!
That Vanellope touched it! I saw it, I swear!
If you race with this kart, it could shut down the game!"
The green racer shuddered at the sound of her name-
She knew well what could happen if Von Schweetz could race.
"So I'm hauling it off to the junkyard posthaste!
Then I'll bake a new kart, and I'll bring it back here.
But until then, NO RACING! Do I make myself clear?"
Minty glanced at her sisters, asleep in their bed,
Then back to the Glitch, and she nodded her head.
Phew, the little pest bought it, Vanellope thought,
As back to her bed she then ushered the tot.
Then she finally stuffed Minty's kart out the door,
Leaving nothing but threads from the fake beard she wore.
And the one speck of food that she left for their treat
Was a small crumb of cake that was too stale to eat.
Then the Glitch did the same thing to each racer's house,
Spiriting every last kart away, the old louse.
As she left with each poor racer's kart in her throng,
The voice in her head would continue its song:
You disgust me, miss Von Schweetz,
You're the queen of sinful things!
Your code contains more errors
Than the script of Zero Wing,
Miss Von Schwee-eetz!
You're so mischievous and daring, I daresay you'd even have the audacity to… steal one of Sonic's rings!
I find you sickening, miss Von Schweetz,
You make me wanna vurp!
You've the feistiness of Bowser
With the drive of Wyatt Earp,
Miss Von Schwee-eetz!
The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote: derp… dee… DERP!
At last, within Diet Cola Mountain, her toil
Would be finished by sending her cargo to boil
In eight thousand degrees worth of hot fizzy drink.
As the sun started rising and the moon came to sink,
Vanellope's thoughts turned to those she had robbed,
For without their big race… why, those brats would all sob!
"Sucks to be them!" the Glitch chortled with glee.
"They'll all go to unwrap their presents, and see
That there's nothing for them, and no race this year! Yeah!
Then those dumb, spoiled racers will all cry out, 'Waaaaah!'"
"Now that's something," she smirked, "That I just gotta hear!"
So from her home's mountainous top she did peer
And looked back at the houses in Sugar Rush square-
And was taken aback by what met her eyes there!
Every Sugar Rush racer, the tall and the small,
Was missing! No one seemed to be there at all!
And the Glitch, with her black boots knee-deep in the snow,
Took in the scene, puzzled. "Hey, where'd they all go?
They left without presents! They left without karts!
They left without peppermints, cookies and tarts!"
And she pondered and mused 'till her coding was sore.
Then Vanellope thought of what she'd not before-
"They're coming to get me! They figured me out!"
'Twas a matter of time before this came about!
"If they know that I did this, they'll all have my hide!
Sweet mother of monkey milk, I gotta hide!"
The Glitch ran to her cargo to finish the job-
And was suddenly trapped by the kids whom she'd robbed!
All ten racers encircled her in a ring,
From Snowanna Rainbeau to Jubileena Bing-Bing.
Vanellope braced for a blow to the head…
But it didn't come. "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" they said.
Vanellope took in the sight, not believing.
"Vanellope, look," Minty said without grieving,
"Sure, you've taken our presents, and all of our karts.
But we all had this coming, we knew in our hearts.
We knew leaving you out was wrong. So I say
We should all let you be one of us for a day!"
And Vanellope realized Christmas meant more
Than a big Christmas race or fun presents galore.
And what happened then? Well, the racers all say
That the Glitch's heart went up three levels that day!
With a menagerie of new friends at her side,
She raced through the fresh Christmas air in her ride,
And she brought back the toys and the feast, and the game
Knew just as it always had, Christmas had came.
She was even allowed in the big Christmas race,
And she- she herself!- The Glitch finished first place!
THE END