Notes: This is a sequel to my fic "Orion". It's a bit of a different style then what I usually write, especially since it is not a songfic. There is quite a bit of cussing to, and some sexual content but nothing graphic. Oh yea, and its boy on boy so that probably makes it open to bias if you so choose.
Dedications: This is for Melissa, thank you for the wonderful companion fanfic.
And for Brian.
I guess I'm as close to a perfect world now as I'm ever gonna get, and to say I'm no where near is an understatement. At least it's better then it used to be ... actually, it's a lot better. However, there is something missing, and it's this misplacement that makes my life less then it could be. I'm not so depressed any more and this recovery is the main reason my life is better. I used to think I didn't want to be happy, that I wanted to stay in my self inflicted isolated hell for as long as I lived, and I guess it was because I hadn't been happy in so long that I forgot how good is made life. So maybe I didn't have the storybook family or childhood, I've realised I can go on with my life if I just don't look back. But then again, I'm just the type of person who does look back, and regrets, because I've done so many stupid things in my life; so I've only just realised it, that doesn't mean I've put it into practise all the time. I still look back, and I still regret. The world will never be a perfect world, and I know that. I've just got to make the best of it. It's strange how a year ago I would never had said that or agreed with it.
Tonight, that something missing gets to be filled into my life again, but just for tonight. Just for tonight, I get another chance to look at the stars with someone. Since Taichi, I've only looked at them alone, and of course it will only be Taichi whom I shall share the stars with again. I've since moved back in with my mom following our last encounter, which was quite a while ago. I remember that day, it was the day I ran away from my previous life. The life I lived with my dad. It was only coincidence that he appeared the morning I was loading my bags into my dad's truck. They all thought I was only going to visit my mom, even Taichi didn't know I was never coming back, so its not like he was there to say goodbye; just a coincidence. It was harsh, but I had to get out of there or I was going to go insane, or worse, kill myself. I had to be selfish, and I couldn't tell him because I still thought he hated me.
There is one thing he said that day I left, which really stuck out in a weird sort of way. He leaned forward, and in a low whisper so no one would hear murmured, "you look hot". I smiled and said thank you, but it was just that one sentence that made me realise he had forgiven me. At least so I thought, I had almost fucked up his relationship with the woman he loved, but I got the impression then he was willing to let it be a thing of the past.
My dad bought me two packs of smokes for the bus ride across the country and sent me on my way. That was the last time I saw Taichi.
It's been awhile since then, Taichi had graduated from university that year and now he works for some company, has his own car and a shit-load of money. I honestly though I'd never see him again, but here I am a year later waiting for a taxi with Taichi in it to pull up in front of my house. The waiting is painfully agonizing. He's down in my area on a business trip, courtesy of that some company he works for, that's why he is coming to visit me. I don't know what will happen when he gets here, and I find myself wondering if the past will be ignored or if we will finally sort things out.
Its almost surreal, I can't picture the taxi getting here or Taichi getting out. It barely even is a reality as the taxi finally does arrive, slowing to a halt just a few yards away. Maybe I'm over-dramatizing it, but when you expect not to see someone you love more then anything in the world ever again, it's gut retching when it actually happens. It's 1:00 AM, he calls out my name before turning to pay the cabby. I walk to meet him, waiting for him to turn back around, and when he does we lock eyes, pausing only briefly before sweeping each other into the tightest embrace.
You know the phrase, "distance makes the heart grow fonder?" It's not true. In the past, distance has always destroyed relationships for me. Not one survived. Even with my mother, it didn't destroy it but the time we spent away from each other numbed the bond severely. As I stand here holding Taichi, I realise that distance has not damaged out relationship, friendship wise. It's a first for me. A bond between two people, if so strong, cannot be broken by anything. My bond with Taichi is that strong. I feel I have never been away from him for a second and yet it has been an eternity and I just want my life to pause right now, and stay like this forever.
Inside my house, it starts off as small chit chat. "How have you been, what have you been doing". This gives me the feeling the he doesn't feel the same way as he once did, romantically speaking. I mean, I had already thought it was damaged beyond repair, and then he told me I looked hot the day I left and that just completely fucked me up, I didn't know what to think. I thought my love for him, which I still have, was no longer returned. This casual conversation and the memory of that remark is leaving me really confused. I guess I'll see what happens.
"Your going to play me a song" says Taichi, grinning as he picks up my bass.
"I dunno, I haven't played in a while" I am so uncomfortable, I have no idea what he is thinking, its like he has completely forgotten what happened between the two of us back when I was living with my dad. I have no idea what to say. There are so many things I want to talk about, but I'm not sure what is appropriate to bring up. Damn him for being so passive with me.
I would have played him a song, but I guess he took my response as a refusal because he begins to play himself. Its funny to watch him awkwardly pluck the strings, as he's left-handed and it's a right-handed guitar. He does ok for what he has to work with, but eventually gives up, bored of it I'm guessing, and puts it away.
"So ..." He trails off, sprawling himself over my bed on his stomach. We just stare at each other, obviously both unsure of what to say. I'm sick already of the small talk, there is so much stuff that never got resolved way back when, and I want to do it now. I'll never get another chance like this to do it for a long time if ever, but I don't want to go plunging into things for fear of hurting him or making him angry. I don't want to bring back memories if he's trying to forget, but it's so frustrating because I don't know if he is or not. We never had a proper conversation to sort things out. It used to be so easy to say absolutely anything and I know he felt the same, then. Now, I don't know what to say.
I decide to start off small. "Are you ... still with your girlfriend?" There is a long pause as he busies himself with staring at my wall, then in a low voice I can barely hear ...
"Yea ..."
So he's still with his queen, must be about a year and half or so now they have been together. Her, the break me, cut my hair and don't let me have to much salt sweet innocent little girl that I on a few occasions had to help out when she was stumbling around drunk, and the proud owner of a oh so lovable chubby little face that is to good to miss. I loved her to, obviously not in the same way as Taichi does, but she's the kind of girl that you can't help but love. Then again, Taichi and I didn't really show our love for her that night in the downstairs bathroom. I think concerning her I feel just about as bad for that as he does. I know he doesn't really feel comfortable talking about her with me anymore (among so many other things) but I had to know.
Now I really do not know how to break the ice since my former question didn't really do that, as I had hoped it would, due to his lack of response. I decide to give him an opening for anything he wants to say to me.
"Taichi ... since we probably won't see each other again after this, and now that we are here face to face, if there is anything you wish to say to me I think you shou ..." My sentence is promptly cut short as he seizes me by my wrists and pulls me towards him. It's a breathless moment seemingly occurring in slow motion as he stops me, our lips just millimetres apart, grip still strong on my wrists, and takes a second to look into my eyes a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Then his lips gently touch mine in the softest kiss I've ever experienced, joy radiating threw my body because I had never fathomed he'd ever want to kiss me again and all thoughts of unreturned feelings are wisped away. The kiss is short, and when he pulls away the look is his eyes is unquestionably the same look he used to give me. Before I screwed up ... before he hated me, before all the shit happened. It's the same look he looked at the stars with, when he was looking at them with me.
"I've wanted to do that for a while now" he says, and we just smile at each other as I lay down beside him.
"Just one?" I ask curiously, a little dismayed he pulled back so soon. He just smiles, closing his eyes.
"Well, how many do you want?" Its barely a whisper, but I can hear smugness in his voice.
"As many as your willing to give I guess ... Hey, do you remember ... when I was still living with my dad, this one night you came over and I was sorta drunk and stumbling around." He chuckles.
"When were you not?" It's a rhetorical question, just jokes and I give him a playful punch before continuing.
"You were about to leave, so I kissed you goodbye. Then when you had gone out the door, I ran after you and kissed you again" I mutter that I also said I loved him that night but he doesn't catch it. He only looks thoughtful, trying to remember.
"I think I remember ..." It's obviously he doesn't.
"Anyway, my point is you never kissed me back, how come?" Hes just laying there looking at the ceiling.
"I don't know ..." Our eyes meet again, and he leans in for another kiss.
"This is to make up for it" our lips touch, feather light. "And for the other one" He kisses me again. "And one more for good measure." The last kiss is bit deeper, a little longer then the others. The next thing I know, are hands are all over each other, our lips locked is a series of deep, passionate kisses. I can feel my chest pounding and my stomach lurching as he whispers "Your bad, I'm bad ... this is bad" into my ear. He's not saying it to be sexy, although its not a turn off. There is sadness in his voice, and I know he is saying it concerning the fact we shouldn't be doing this. But we keep on going because its raw passion, invigorating and uncontrollable, its all our feeling for each other still as strong as the first time we fell in love. Distance didn't numb it, there is no way it could have. We keep on going, because I know there is no force on earth that can make up stop. Except maybe a girl back home that he loves.
We don't have sex. Its sort of an unspoken thing, that its just not the right time. There was something that kept us from doing it the first time we went wild on each other, and there is something keeping us from it now. It's not a mystery either. It's his queen, and when he finally gains control and is able to push himself off me he mumbles something about the music having stopped. But he doesn't have to explain it; she was there before I was.
"Yamato ... I wanna go out for a smoke". I glance at the clock, its 3:00 AM. We leave my room, and make our way up the stairs to the ratty back door. A rusty old deadbolt lock that has to be struggled with to open detains us a few moments. This house is really different then the one I lived in with my dad, who was really rich. The night is clear, there isn't a cloud in the sky but still few stars can bee seen. The city lights block them out, as they always have. The depressing thing is that we are probably in the best place around the city to see them, living in a house amide northern suburbia. If we were in the heart of the city, there wouldn't be any stars at all. I look straight up at them, and am suddenly very glad Taichi is here.
"Look Taichi, it's the stars." He looks sideways at me though his cloud of smoke.
"I don't fucking want to look at the stars." He looks away and takes another drag.
That fucking hurt like he wouldn't believe. It was something I really thought to be important, something special between us. People with a friendship such as ours always have some sort of thing that is special between them. But here it was, he had completely crushed a thought I had dwindled on as a reminder of him for the past year. I'm starting to think that maybe there really isn't the emotions there once was. I say nothing. Taichi keeps on looking at the ground but I look back up at the stars, forcing my anger down.
So, even with Taichi here I'm still looking at the stars alone. Fuck the stars. Fuck Taichi.
There is now a strange sort of tension in the air. We don't go back to my bedroom when returning inside the house. Instead we make our way to the living room, sitting at opposite ends of the couch and this time it's Taichi who breaks the silence.
"Don't tell anyone I came to visit you ... I mean it, not anyone. I hate when things come back to bite me in the ass." That stings, it really does. It was an indirect reference to my telling about the first time we fooled around. The first time ... it's kind of ironic to think of it like that because just yesterday it was the only time.
"Taichi, if your still mad at me for what happened, just tell me. I mean, I understand, I'd be mad at me to." He smirks at me in response.
"No ... I'm not still mad ..."
"I won't tell anyone you where here." He is silent. "I mean it, I won't..." He still doesn't respond. "Taichi, you really don't trust me anymore do you." He turns to me ... and there is sadness in his eyes.
"I really want to ..." I close my eyes, emotions like I might cry boil to the surface yet no tears come. He continues.
"Maybe like ... ninty percent ... and the other ten percent ... I just don't know, I really want to Yamato I really do ..."
I sigh. "It's ok ... I understand. If I could turn back time I would ... but I can't so I can't take back what I did. I regret it more then anything ..."
"True friends have a hundred percent trust, I mean, why be ninety percent when you can be a hundred percent."
"What?" Where the hell did that come from?
"Not only that ... but you never said goodbye. You never told me. It was a really big thing ... you just up and leaving. It made me really sad, you should have told me."
"Wait ... what do you mean by true friends are trusted one hundred percent. You just told me you only trusted me ninety percent. Damn it Taichi your still fucking mad don't fucking lie!"
"I'm not fucking lying! I'm not mad ... I'm hurt. I'm hurt you never said goodbye."
"Taichi ... I didn't tell you because, I didn't know where we stood. Things were still icy between us. I didn't want to make it a big deal."
"But it was a big deal, to me."
"I'm sorry ... I can't change what I did, not any of it and its tearing me up inside!"
"I ... I know ..."
"And Taichi ... I guess I also didn't tell you because I know you regretted what we did, what we had become, and well ... I don't like to be regretted. I thought you wouldn't want me to say goodbye, I guess because I thought you where trying to make me disappear from your life anyways."
It's silent for a long time before Taichi reaches over and takes my hand. He has every right to be mad, or hurt, but what he said really hurt me to. I can't change the past, there is absolutely nothing I can do to reverse my action accept apologise; yet I know that's not good enough. Suddenly, he jumps on me and pins my arms to the couch. He gives a cocky little grin, narrowing his eyes and bringing his face really close to mine.
"You drive me crazy, you know that?" He moves in as if he's going to kiss me, but attacks my neck instead. He kisses it, bites it, his hands once again traveling my body. He's excited and obviously wants to fuck me right then and there. As for me, I'm numb. Normally I'd be reacting in the same way back to him, but I can't bring myself to. I suddenly just feel very alone and empty. It's not the same, it's not the same at all. I fucked it up bad, and even though it was over a year ago he still doesn't completely trust me. He even said I wasn't a true friend. I am enjoying the sex act of course ... but it's just not as meaning full as it was, or could be.
"Am I making you hot?" His kisses flutter up my neck to my lips.
"Well actually ... I'm kinda paranoid someone is gonna see us though the blinds." He looks over in the direction of the window, which I am pointing towards, realising with it being dark outside and the lamp on behind us that someone walking by could probably see our silhouettes.
"FUCK!" He quickly jumps off of me, storming away. Shit, the only reason I pointed it out was because I know he's trying not to make himself seen. I shouldn't have said anything. I can hear him shuffling around the back door for his foorwear. I'm fucking embarrassed, so I bury my head in the hands as there doesn't seem to be anything else to do. I can hear him at the front door now, and I look up to see him hurriedly shoving his feet into his boots. I have this horrible feeling in my chest. He's not supposed to make me feel this way, he's never made me feel this way before. I get up and walk into the kitchen, leaning against the wall with my arms wrapped around myself. A couple minutes later, he comes in, boots on, and stands in front of me. He leans down to kiss me, acting like nothing just happened. Fuck that's infuriating.
"What about people seeing though the window." I reply coldly.
He shrugs, replying "who cares," and makes to hug me; however he pulls back as I start to lean into him and jumps away with a cocky I-wanna-fucking-smack-that-off-your-face grin. That did it. I just look at him, and I know he can see in my face how pissed off I am. I clamber down the stairs to my room to get my coat so I can see him off because by this time I just want him to leave and I don't care how long it will be until I see him again if I see him again. When I come back up and go to meet him in the front hall, he takes my arm and pushes me up against the wall. Then he goes to fucking kiss me, like nothing fucking happened.
"Only when you fucking want it, and never when I do!" I push him off me as hard as I can, making to walk away when he catches my arm.
"What, What the fucking are you talking about? That's not how it fucking is." He's glaring daggers at me and I just glare back. "That's not how it is." We just stare at each other.
"FUCK you man! Fuck you!" he turns his back and leaves. Sure you son of a bitch, you can walk away from me but I can't walk away from you. I hear the front door slam. I just stand there, staring, wondering if I should go after him. I don't want to, but then again I don't want him leaving like this. We never fought like this before, we never even fought at all. What the hell has happened. I scramble to put on my shoes, hoping he hasn't left yet, something telling me he hasn't. As I approach the front door I find I'm right and that he's just standing there on the steps. It completely awkward when I join him outside, and the tension is the air chills me to the bone.
What happened Taichi, what the fuck happened. We used to trust each other so much, told each other everything, and we sure as hell never fought. We have to make this right.
So I start to try and make it right. "It's just ... I don't know when your serious and when your joking anymore. You pulled away from me when you went to hug me in the kitchen, and that hurt. I know your only playing sometimes ... but I don't know which times anymore."
After a slight hesitation he says "I just don't understand why there is so much tension."
"Maybe if we just forgot ... forgot about fighting, forgot about arguing, forgot about the past and forgot about everything I did and everything you did and all the things that are causing tension between us, and maybe we could just enjoy this time. I mean, we only have a limited amount, and I really wanna make the best of it. I'd be really nice if we could do that."
"Yea it would be nice, wouldn't it." He turns and smiles at me. We walk toward each other, embracing in a hug as we meet. Afterwards, we just sit on the front steps and it reminds me a lot of what we used to do, staying up late just sitting outside and talking. That's how we got to know each other so well, before. But he seems sad as he lights up another cigarette, not happy like it used to be, and it really shows because he is sucking on that cigarette like he is about to swallow it whole.
"Are you really stressed out or something?" I look at him like hes weird, but with amusement apparent in my eyes. He laughs.
"Yea ... I'm stressed out."
"Why?"
"Because ... when I leave, I might never see you again." I sigh and scoot closer to him, slinging my arm though his. I don't really have anything to say to that because its true.
"My boss did say something about coming down here again though ... so I might be able to see you again."
"I'd like that."
"Me to ... and even if I don't, I'll get to say goodbye this time."
Fuck, why did he have to say that. Another attack, this time for me not saying goodbye to him before when I left; however I ignore it, I really don't want to ruin this moment.
I finger my spiked leather bracelet around my wrist searching for the buckle, undoing it as I find it. I've had it forever, even before I moved in with my dad and Taichi loves it. It's sort of a trademark of me just because I've had it for so long. I decided a little while ago I was going to give it to him because he'd know what it represented. I'm willing to give up something that means a lot to me, because he means more. Sure, we just had a nasty little fight, but one moment of spite isn't going to take away years of friendship, for me anyways. Besides, I'll be getting it back, it will sort of be a collateral for his return because he'll have to give it back to me. I know he wouldn't really return just to give it back though, the thought is more rhetorical in a way that I want to let him know he's always welcome.
That doesn't seem to be the way he sees it though. As I hold it out to him, he immediately pushes it away.
"I don't want it."
"But ..."
"I don't want it." He doesn't even give me a chance to explain. We really don't understand each other anymore. We don't know what we are thinking anymore, we don't know what we are feeling. I can't say whatever I want to him like I used to, I don't feel completely safe with him anymore. We don't appreciate the stars. He comes at me, hugs me and kisses me. It's like that's all he has been doing the whole night, coping a feel and not understanding me and not letting me understand him. He tries to kiss me again, but I turn my head to dodge it. I can picture the look of confusion on his face, and I can picture the look of rejection on mine. He pulls away. Once again there is silence.
"Can I use your phone? I'm gonna call a cab now." It's funny, I never thought when he first arrived here that I'd be happy to see him go. I still stand by my saying that this night doesn't take away the memories and feeling of our former friendship. But I've realised, that that's all it is now, memories. It will never be like it was, he can't get over what I did and I don't blame him, and I want him to go before it gets any worse and our new found spite towards each other does make those memories go away.
At this moment, my feelings are a paradox as Taichi phones for a cab and I can't help but feel painful sorrow. Sorrow that I'm not going to see him again for a long time, if ever, sorrow for the friendship we've lost, sorrow for the time we've spent argueing, and sorrow for my relief to see him go. I never thought I'd ever want to see him go, but I'm not sure our friendship, what remains of it, will be preserved if he doesn't.
Time is running short, he won't be here for much longer yet all we can do is stand, not looking at each other. It's agonizing, all I want to do is hold him and never let go. But I don't want to hold him now. I want to hold him before everything went wrong.
He's missing, was the missing part in my near to okay life. Now he's the missing part that has taken the empty space where he should have fit. I guess you could say my life will be complete once he leaves, because there is no longer a spot for him, not for him now. There will always, however, be a spot for him when he was long ago. That will never change. It makes me sad, and its painful, to know I can never change what has happened.
I can see the taxi coming down the road, and I turn to Taichi to see his eyes following it. I can't let him go without saying goodbye, not this time, so I pull him into an embrace and he doesn't resist. He buries his head in my neck and squeezes me a little tighter.
"You mean a lot to me." I whisper in his ear.
"I know, you to." He responds, starting to let go.
"Good bye." He says as we break apart, fingertips the last to touch.
"Bye." I watch his retreating back with increasing dismay heavy like a weight upon my heart. Each step takes him farther away from me, both literally and figuratively. He is walking right out of my life, and I think we both know it regardless of the possibility for another business trip. Walking back inside my house I stand at the screen door and watch his taxi until it drives out of sight. That's it, that's goodbye. I can't help but feel regret, I can't help but regret him even though I know he wouldn't wanted to be regretted as I wouldn't want to be. As I don't like to be, because I know he regrets me to. But then thats the thing, I don't really know that do I? It should have been left the way it was, not having said goodbye but with sweet memories gracing our mind's eyes and lips. It should have stayed like that.
Regret.
Life is full of regrets. I might be becoming numb again, not wanting such pain as this anymore. A sweet melody with a hurtful after taste, that's what mine and Taichi's friendship, relationship, whatever it is to be called is now. If I could only turn back time, I would take everything back. But I can't, and he knows it.
Have a nice life Taichi.
-Hunter /2003