Ben Solo had difficulty sleeping. Not just on the nights when the wind howled through the trees on Yavin 4, but also the nights when the wind was silent. It was in the darkness that he always felt the creeping pressure in his mind as if someone was trying to steal his thoughts. Or no, perhaps that wasn't right, it seemed like they were attempting to take some of his thoughts and replace them with thoughts of their own.

The worst part about his inability to sleep was the voice, the quiet but insistent voice that terrified him. Its whispers were the worst at night when everything else was silent. It spoke of his fears and his desires, but worst of all it spoke of his loneliness.

It warned him that his father didn't really love him, that his mother only loved the idea of him. It reminded him of all his failures and told him that he would always be the big eared, scared little boy.

That night Ben lay awake in his bed trying to shut the voice out.

You're a weak, pathetic little boy.

No one could ever really love someone like you.

I see what is inside your mind, foolish little boy.

You know this to be true.

Ben felt the warm tears come unbidden. He felt them slide down his cheeks and onto his night shirt. Before long it was completely damp.

You want someone to notice you?

But you can't do anything right.

You make your father unhappy.

You make your mother cry.

You'll never be the child they wanted.

At nine years old Ben felt he was too old to slip out from his cot and climb in bed with his mother. His father always sent him back to bed, though his father had been gone the last week on a job, and Ben hadn't spoken to him. But he craved the reassuring strokes of his mother's fingers through his hair.

You cry because you know it is true.

Your father is gone because he can't stand to be around you.

Your mother buries herself in work because of you.

They both want you to leave.

The sobs wracked his body as he rolled over onto his stomach and buried his face in his pillow to absorb the sound.

Its all for the best really.

You don't want to be who you are.

You wish to be someone else.

Someone stronger.

"Ben?" The door to his room slid open, and his mother's voice was a comforting sound.

"Ben, what's wrong?" She whispered.

He trembled into the pillow as he felt the pressure shift on the bed as his mother sat down beside him.

"Ben, please tell me what's wrong," his mother pleaded.

"I can't," he cried, "I can't." But he pulled himself up from the pillow and sat up.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because," he hiccuped at the interruption to his crying, "I don't know what's wrong."

His mother pulled him into her arms and let him lean his head on her shoulder.

"Did you have a nightmare?" She asked even though she knew that it was the lack of sleep and not dreams that were breaking his spirit.

"No, it isn't a dream. I just, I keep hearing this voice," another sob wracked his small frame. "It just reminds me of everything bad about myself."

Leia looked at her son, his dark hair clinging to his face from the tears and sweat, his nose running down to his lip. He was miserable. She reached forward with the hem of her sleeve and wiped his nose and with her other hand she brushed the hair away from his face. His hazel eyes were staring at her pleading.

"Does this voice tell you to do things?" She asked.

Your grandfather would have been so disappointed in you.

"No," his voice was cracked and dry sounding, "it just tells me that I'm stupid and that you and dad don't love me."

It is everything you already know to be true.

Leia's heart constricted, "Ben, you know that your father and I love you, more than anything in the entire galaxy." She pulled him closer and kissed his forehead. "You make every day worth living for me," she smiled at him.

"Please don't listen to that voice, it's just your insecurities speaking. It isn't real. We all feel that way sometimes."

She feeds you lies because she's afraid of your power.

Ben pulled away, "It's not sometimes mom. It's all the time. I don't know what to do. I can't sleep, and I just feel so angry all the time."

Anger is power. Remember that.

Leia had a thought, but it wasn't quite fully formed. If she couldn't help him understand then maybe someone else could. Maybe Luke? The last thing in the world that she wanted was to send him away from her. She wanted always to be able to defend him, to hold him, to wipe the tears and the snot from his face.

"What do you think about going to Uncle Luke's academy?" She asked.

Your Uncle is a weak fool too.

Just like your father. Just like you.

He shook his head, "I don't want to be like Uncle Luke. I just want to feel normal."

"But you aren't normal honey, you'll never be normal. You come from a lineage that is greater than just you. It's a responsibility you have to protect the galaxy like your father.

Your father is a selfish, absent, prick.

Ben snorted, "Dad isn't protecting the galaxy, he's off swindling people for money. I don't want that. I want to be something else. I want to be strong, mom. I don't want to feel angry and scared all the time."

Fear and anger are the beginning of true power.

Leia nodded. "In order for that, you have to accept who you are. Once you know who you are then, you will start to feel what is right." Her hand ran through his hair, and she pulled him in for another hug. This time, he didn't pull away.

She will try to change you. Try to make you someone else.

"Do you think that going to train with Uncle Luke will help the voice go away?" His eyes searched her face for what he needed to see.

You won't find it with her.

"Of course, it will help," she said. But her eyes told him something else. "After your birthday this year, we will have you visit Uncle Luke at the academy and see if you want to stay, okay?"

She lies to you again.

He nodded slowly, "if it helps."

I can show you how to be whole.

No one else knows your pain.

I can help you use it.

The rest of the night Ben lay curled up next to his mother, clinging to her as if she were his last piece of sanity.