Cast of Characters:
Valjean……………The Strangely Sexy Frederic March
Javert……………...A Snowman
Fantine……………Daphne Moon
Young Cosette…...A Creepily Precocious Yet Spunky Child in the Style of Shirley Temple
Cosette……………A Barbie Doll
Marjolras………...A Puppy-Like Dreamer and the Stalwart, Marbled Leader of the Revolution ALL AT THE SAME TIME
Éponine……………A Saloon Girl from an Old Western Flick
Faverolles, 1800.
We open with that Hauteville House quote, which is promising… and immediately cut to a courtroom, where some old Methuselah type is sentencing someone to prison. That someone is surprisingly handsome young Valjean, who is in a giant cage or something.
The judge guy says he has to Follow the Law, and Jean Jean the Sexy Con makes a big speech which hilariously includes the line "You can't let babies starve!!" before he is dragged away, screaming, "HUNGRY! HUNGRY!" His sister and her three children run up to the giant cage and yell after him and cry and it is Very Touching and Very Sad.
Then, the judge says Very Seriously, "Remove the evidence." And the camera pulls in Very Dramatically on a scrap of bread, which the constable-y guys grab as we fade to black.
So… I guess the French courts work pretty quickly… and Valjean got arrested super fast… because otherwise that bread would be covered in white fuzz like the delicious cookies I accidentally left in my dorm over Christmas break… Man, I wanted those cookies REALLY BAD. My granny made them for me… but now they live in the trash. They were chocolate oatmeal cookies.
I miss them.
Anyway.
We fade to black, and open back up on a man sitting at a desk. He's, like, interviewing a huge line of guys wearing that National Guard type uniform, and next is this very, very round fellow—that is, with a circular face and a circular body—who is reminiscent of either a snowman or John Candy… anyway, he is introduced as Javert, whose mother was a "tramp" and his father was a prisoner. And when the Important Desk Man asks him if it's true, Javert's fat lower lip starts trembling. So… he's squishy looking and emotional? And practically bald? With long eyelashes? Anyway, Javert gets Permission to be a Super Special Policeman.
A shadowy room. Very sad-looking Jean Jean the Sexy Con is given a number—2908, whatever—and has a big iron collar hammered onto his neck. Yeesh.
The hull of a ship, I assume. A bunch of bearded, shaggy convicts are rowing while a big scary guy beats a gong. One of them is Jean Jean the Sexy Con, who looks very sleepy. In fact, he slumps over and almost passes out until a bunch of cops come over and start beating him with sticks. Then he screams incoherently.
Later. Some stuff falls on a guy and he screams incoherently. Screaming incoherently is a symbol of the Evils of Prison, I guess, because it sure happens a lot. Anyway, Jean Jean the Sexy Con comes running over and lifts the stuff while Wibbly Javert looks on. Some other constables say that they have to take The Hurt Guy's collar off to treat him for some reason, but Snowman Javert exhibits his heart of ice by saying that only a doctor can order a guy's collar taken off, and there isn't any doctor here, thanks very much. He's all like, "NO WE MUST FOLLOW THE LAW BECAUSE I LOVE IT A LOT." Meanwhile, the lunch cart totally passed Jean Jean the Sexy Con while he was saving The Hurt Guy. Jean Jean the Sexy Con is like, "WHAT? You accidentally skipped me, guys!" and they're like, "You snooze you lose, biotch." But Jean Jean the Sexy Con is like, "I wasn't snoozing, I was SAVING A MAN'S LIFE!" and then, while he's arguing with the guard, some crazy convict steals the piece of bread off his plate. Jean Jean the Sexy Con is Not Amused, and he jumps up and attacks the Crazy Con, who starts shrieking and flapping his wrists around in what may be the funniest reaction to anything I've ever seen in my life. Then a bunch of guards run over, hang Jean Jean the Sexy Con by the wrists, and start viciously beating him the sticks. How very violent! Except the sticks look like they're made of cardboard and they're using absolutely no force to hit him. Pansy Javert looks on for a second, then wanders off.
Same galleys, even later. The convicts go to sleep. I guess.
Some kind of parole office. A pastor guy preaches at a row of convicts who are apparently up for parole. They call Valjean's name, and tell him he's free as soon as he goes to check in at Some French Place in Some French Town. They hand him his passport, and Jean Jean the Very Bearded Con gripes that it's yellow. Chubby Parole Officer is like, "Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you tried to escape three years ago!" Then they go to pay him, but Jean Jean the Hairy Con says he's supposed to pay him more. They're like, "Well, you should have thought of that before you… existed on Sundays and holidays!" The priest nags him and then out he goes.
An inn. They don't want Valjean, so yeah. He goes out.
A bench. In the rain. Valjean is sitting with his coat over his head, sulking, when Madame R— from the Book comes in and asks who he is. He makes a crazy speech about prison and beds of wood and stone, and Madame R— just tells him to go knock on the bishop's door, okay?
Behind the bishop's door. Madame Magloire nags Mademoiselle Baptistine about locking the door, and Baptistine just kinda ignores her. They include the second-best part of the bishop story: Magloire is like, "People knock and he just says come in!" Then there is a knock at the door, and you hear the bishop just say, "Come in!" Hilarity.
So yeah, it's Jean Jean the Bearded Con, and he wants a room. He blah blahs about how much being a convict sucks and how miserable he is and WAAAH, but the bishop's just like, "Chillax, man, you can have a room! Warm up at the fire; eat some food!"
Quick word about the bishop. This guy looks like the villain Claude Frollo from the Disney version of "The Hunchback of Notre Dame," and he almost never has facial expression. He's not, like, a bad actor or anything, but he's just totally dry. I bet he'd be a great standup comedian.
Anyway, it's dinner, and the bishop demands they use the silver plates… by putting them beneath the plates they're already using.
Huh?
Then the bishop shows Jean Jean the Well-Fed Con to a spare room, and while they're standing in the hall he spies Madame Magloire putting the plates away. Magloire notices Jean and hustles over to shut the door. Jean comments that she's afraid of him, then gets all up in the deadpan bishop's face. And the Best Thing Ever happens.
Valjean: How do you know I won't murder you in the night?
Prim, Straight-Faced Bishop: Well, how do you know that I won't murder you?
Loony: (has to pause the movie from laughing so hard)
You guys, you don't even know. You just… you have GOT to see the way this bishop delivers this line. It's insane it's so funny.
Anyhoo, Jean Jean the Sleepy Con goes into his room, has a prison flashback that includes a LOT of images of guards beating him with sticks and a lot of screaming incoherently layered over a shot of him lying in bed and waving his arms around. He screams incoherently, reaches out, and grabs a candlestick near his bed.
And then… Jean Jean the Devious Con gets an idea.
He pulls a stick out of his little bag and sets off toward the bishop's room.
Huh?
So… he stole one of the prison guards' beat-down sticks, and will now use it on the poor old deadpan bishop?
But as he gazes at the bishop's face, a pretty sweet lighting effect (for 1935) happens as the moon comes out from behind the clouds and illuminates the sleeping bishop. Valjean decides to steal the silver instead.
The Bishop's Morning House of Mourning. Madame Magloire is distraught that the silver plates have disappeared, and argues with the bishop about how nasty tin plates are. Then the constables bring in Jean Jean the Recaptured Con, and OH MY GOSH, THIS BISHOP'S STRAIGHT FACE IS MY FAVOURITE THING. Ever. I think I'm just going to put every scene with him in on youtube. Anyway, the bishop, calmly sipping tea, saves Valjean's soul and gives him candlesticks.
The Countryside. Valjean goes out to some little shrine to a saint that may or may not be the Virgin Mary, falls to his knees, holds the candlesticks, and cries while a really, really creepy choir sings Ave Maria. He kisses the saint's feet, and then… then… the most amazing thing I have ever seen happens. Other than the bishop.
He walks off dramatically, and a giant title card with a picture of a man walking into the sunset appears with the text: Thus ended the first phase of the life of Jean Valjean. Meanwhile, the Creepy Choir "ahhh"s into a humongous crescendo and all is Very Dramatic. Except that this title card can only make me think of Holy Grail.
And because I choose to make this a chapter fic, Thus Ends The First Phase of the Recap of LesMisLoony.
Tune in next time for the entire story being out of order, a tea party, and Valjean becoming INSANELY sexy!