Title: Emptiness
Author: Jamiexh
Rating: PG-13, for adult references
Summary: Elliot reflects on his feelings about Olivia as she leaves for a date. Sequel to Jealousy.
Spoilers: Wrath (mildly)
Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns everything.
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"Yeah, Scott, I'm on my way. No this time I won't cancel. I promise. Look I'm leaving work now. I'll see you in a few minutes."
This was all Elliot could hear from Olivia's conversation. No doubt this Scott didn't believe that Olivia was actually coming to meet him. At this moment Elliot would do anything to be Scott.
"Hey Liv, guy giving you grief."
"Yeah, I cancelled on him three nights in a row. I'm surprised that he hasn't broken it off with me yet. You leaving?"
"No, not yet I still got some paperwork to finish up here. Go have a good time. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Bye, Elliot."
As she left, Elliot felt this deep sadness in his gut. Despite the fact that he was married and had four children with a wonderful woman, he always wanted his beautiful partner. Often he would catch himself staring at her ass as she walked away from him. She takes up more time him in his dream than perhaps the Catholic Church would allow. Yes, he fantasized about her. He was attracted to her since the day he met her. But he was married, and because of that he could do nothing.
If it hadn't been for Kathy and the kids, he would have fucked her a long time ago. Olivia always had this power over him, even if she couldn't see it. She haunted his subconscious. At night he would dream of making love to her. At first, Elliot was ashamed of this; that his wife was not enough for him in his mind. After a few of these dreams however, he decided that what no one knows couldn't hurt anyone. So he kept these dreams to himself, wishing that they were real.
Elliot never saw it coming that he would fall for her. As grew to know his partner, she became his best friend, and, unbeknownst to her, his obsession. He needed to know everything about her. However it wasn't hard to find everything out from her, after all this job does tend to break you. She opened up to him about her mother being raped, getting pregnant with her and keeping her, then turning to alcohol and taking her troubles out on Olivia's body. That's probably what really pushed him to fall for her; she was wounded.
He was always protective of her because of this. That was probably one of the things that annoyed Olivia the most about him. He was overly protective of her. Like when he put police detail on her before she killed Plummer. Man, she was furious with him about that. But to Elliot, it was necessary. He needed to protect her. She was his, whether she knew it or not. He fought for her like he would fight for his own children and wife.
Wife, Oh God, what about Kathy? Could Kathy see that he loved Olivia? Yes, Elliot loved his wife, but he was not in love with her anymore. Sometimes he wonders if he was ever in love with Kathy in the first place. The big pusher to marry Kathy was that she was pregnant with Maureen. That was the Catholic thing to do, marry the girl that you got pregnant and help raise the child you created. That what Elliot did, became a husband to Kathy, and a father to his kids.
Father. There's that word again. Every time that Elliot thinks of himself as a dad, he remembers that Olivia never had one. 'Damn Elliot, you can't even think about your kids, without thinking about Olivia,' he mentally scolded himself.
She would never know how deep she has gotten into his brain. No one would as far as Elliot was concerned. He could never tell anyone that half the time that he was staring into space that he was daydreaming about her. No one would ever know that when they are apart he so desperately wants to call her and make sure that she is alright. Elliot especially didn't want anyone to know that he had to think of Olivia to get it up to make love to his wife or that while he was making love to Kathy he always imagined that it was Olivia. Once again, no harm, no foul, right?
He wondered what Olivia was doing on her date right now. There probably just sitting down to have dinner, with light conversation about their jobs and the weather. The former however is the biggest problem in everyone in the squad's love life- their job. He can't talk about it to Kathy. With Munch and Fin, he never asks about their love lives, because quite frankly he doesn't care. But Olivia. Olivia has trouble telling her dates about her job, or so he hears. The men just don't understand her job. 'But I do Liv, I do.'
But Olivia has never shown the slightest interest in Elliot outside of work. She would never know the emptiness that he felt without her. If Elliot even thought that he stood the slightest chance with her he wouldn't know what he would do. Divorce would be one option, but his Catholic background would not allow it. An affair would be another, but he was sure that, that would not go over well with Olivia. 'Great, even if she did love me, I'm stuck with Kathy.'
At this moment Elliot would do anything to be Scott. Scott was with Olivia right now. She could be kissing him, and later she could be sleeping with him. Yes, Elliot definitely wanted to be Scott. Hell, Elliot would even settle for being Olivia's teddy bear, just so that he could be near her. 'God, Liv, you don't know how empty I feel without you.'