"A Matter Of Trust-Redux"
New A/N: For those of you wondering why I'm reposting this, I have been informed that although my story is good,
"since it has the copied lyrics of Billy Joel's "A Matter of Trust", it breaks the following part of the Content Guidelines: Actions not allowed: 3. Copying from a previously published work (including musical lyrics) not in the public domain."
I have been asked to remove the lyrics to avoid account closure. And so I have. I'm not sure it works as well and would love to hear from those who have read both versions.
BTW – if you don't know the song you can listen along and find the lyrics here: /oZ5JUwY65NY
A/N #1: I believe that every song has a story behind it, and vice versa. To me, the story of Chuck and Sarah's romance is an eclectic playlist that gets longer by the day. Don't expect this to be a cohesive story. It's a series of one shots that will jump around and might contradict itself. You can expect that all of the stories in this compilation will have a song woven into it's fabric. Some people don't like that style, and I completely understand. For those of you who do, I hope you enjoy what I post.
The first chapter is the "title chapter". I've always believed that Chuck and Sarah's relationship was based on trust – or the lack of it.
I don't own Chuck or the song A Matter of Trust, but I enjoy them both. I hope you enjoy them together.
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One
"I need you to do one more thing for me."
"Yeah?"
"Trust me Chuck."
Two
"I'm asking you to trust me. Sarah, I don't want anything from you. I just want you to know that wherever you go, I'll be there to help you. Someone you can call whenever. Trust me, Sarah. I'm here for you always."
One, toe, three, four
Sarah wasn't sure how A Matter of Trust found it's way into one of Chuck's playlists. Billy Joel didn't seem to fit Chuck's eclectic taste in 80's infused indies. Maybe it had always been there. It certainly hadn't affected her in the past. It had never spoken to her as personally as it did now. She found herself looping the song, sometimes listening to it three, four times in a row, knowing that somewhere in the lyrics were more answers.
Because she had already found one.
It had been almost five years since Sarah asked Chuck to trust her. Almost five weeks since he asked for her trust.
Her and Chuck, it had always been a matter of trust.
Sarah knew that now. Her heart told her that loud and clear.
Now if only she could trust her heart.
Once she accepted that, her memories had started coming back in waves. Sarah had never trusted anyone the way she trusted Chuck and it was a little disconcerting to realize how much she did.
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Sarah listened as the song played through the first verse, thinking about her relationship with Bryce.
Saying she trusted Bryce would be a lie.
Sarah didn't even know how to describe her relationship with him. "It's complicated" her inner voice replied with a fair amount of sarcasm.
Bryce was a good partner, until he wasn't.
They never shared anything real, maybe because they were afraid it would make them weak in the other person's eyes. If she didn't trust her own heart, how could she trust it to someone else? So she didn't open up to him and she didn't want him to open up to her. She didn't want to owe him anything.
She did share a bed with him. Physically, they were intimate but it was nothing more than some comfort in a world full of lies and loneliness. It was full of passion and heat at first, but like starting a fire with nothing but kindling, it quickly became cold. The afterglow of comfort and belonging got shorter and shorter. Without adding something substantial of themselves to keep it going, it burned out each time and was becoming more and more difficult to restart.
And that was okay. They both knew the relationship would end. And before it did, she didn't want to get burned.
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As the song continued playing, Sarah took a hard look at her life. As the daughter of a conman, as a CIA Agent, Sarah thought she had always lived a life that was close to the fire.
Until she realized that she hadn't. She had always remained emotionally detached and far enough away from the fire.
Then she met Chuck.
Slowly, surely, he pulled her closer and closer to the flame. That led to the only time she had been burned. Prague.
She was willing to give up everything for him and he walked away from her. Except, she had never told him what she was doing or why. Oh, she told him how the CIA could change him, but that wasn't why she was doing it. She never told him how she felt or that he was the most important part of her life. She didn't trust her heart enough. She had danced around that fire, assuming he would know.
But he didn't.
And she got burned.
And it hurt. A lot. Sarah vowed she would never get burned again.
"Don't worry Chuck, you can't hurt me." accompanied the memory of sweeping Chuck off his feet with a Bō.
Great, she thought, I can't even get a good memory back.
She kept her vow. She kept her distance. She played it safe. And Dani.. – no, no! Shaw. Shaw told her he was the safest man in the world.
But then he wasn't.
She realized there really weren't any good memories from that time.
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Sarah thought about that for a minute and swallowed hard. She didn't want anyone to know how emotional she really was. But Chuck knew. She didn't know how, but he did.
Admitting she had lost faith in this world would be admitting that Chuck, Chuck was her world. She turned her back on him because her had turned his back on her and walked away. She had trusted him with her heart, and he selfishly thought of only himself.
Except, he didn't.
"You were hurt that I didn't run away with you in Prague. I did that and I'm sorry. You have to know that you were everything I ever wanted. But how could I do that? How could I run away with you? How could I be with you knowing what I turned my back on, you know? Knowing that what I had in my head could help a lot of people. And you're the one that taught me that - that being a spy is about choosing something bigger. It's about putting aside your own personal feelings for the greater good. And that's what I choose. I chose to be a spy for my friends, my family and you. I chose to be a spy because... Sarah, I love you."
He had chosen to be selfless, to give up his life, his normal life for the greater good.
She was a big part of his greater good.
It should have been her moment of truth.
But it hurt and she didn't want to be hurt again.
And she was afraid.
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She thought Chuck was changing and nothing he could say convinced her otherwise. Actions spoke louder than words and she was a woman of action. It was too easy for him to burn an asset; too easy to lie; too easy to loose himself to the Greater Good. He looked comfortable and she knew he was loosing himself, just as she had lost herself so many years ago. His action told her that he wasn't her Chuck anymore.
But she had started to find herself again. Chuck had helped her do that but he wasn't her Chuck anymore. She had lost faith in him … and she was afraid she would lose herself again.
So she told .. Shaw .. her name. And then she almost lost her life with her past and her present watching in horror.
The CIA had warned her that Emotions can get you killed. They were so close to being right.
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Don't trust anyone Dad would say.
Spy's don't fall in love Carina would say.
These were the words she chose to live by and they effectively blocked out every word Chuck said. But he kept trying.
"You took a chance. You-you loved someone, maybe for the first time in your life, all you've ever done before is-is shut off your feelings. You - you bury them deep down inside. Because in your profession, in your line of work, it's a liability, right? It's - it - it can certainly be a liability. And I know, I know that you think you messed up your life because you opened up your heart. But maybe you helped open up her heart in the process. Maybe because you loved her. She's learned how to love too."
She had to resist him, she had to block him out. She couldn't loose herself in him again.
He wasn't safe.
He could hurt her again.
She didn't think she could survive if he did.
She was afraid.
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She gave up on him. But he never gave up on her.
" Look, I don't want to pester you, Sarah uh, or become some-some nuisance that you can't avoid. I've- I've seen Morgan go down that road far too many times to count. And since I've already given the fancy, eloquent version of this speech before, right now I'm just gonna be blunt and honest. I love you. One more time just because it feels really nice to say, I love you. I feel like I've been bottling this up forever. I love you."….
Time after time he jumped right into the fire and he got burned.
But he never stopped. He was willing to give her his heart to do whatever she wanted with.
" I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm-I'm getting out of hand, but, look, you were right in Prague. You and I, we're perfect for each other and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
Chuck didn't hold anything back. Win or lose, he was putting it all out there for her.
For her….
That was the moment that she realized Chuck had never changed.
He never stopped. He never quit. He never worried about going to far.
He was a Bartowski, and he was acting like one.
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That's when she realized that Shaw was a lie. There was no love there, just emotionless detachment. A warm body to distract her from what she had lost.
He wasn't safe either. That was just another lie. Being with him killed her a little bit every day. Staying with him would leave her empty. Hollow.
At first, she thought that was good. There wouldn't be any pain. But there wouldn't be any joy either, no happiness, no trust, no intimacy.
No life … at least not for her.
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Still, up to the end, she believed that Shaw was a good spy. He had been able to compartmentalize his wife's death and Sarah's role in it. He showed no emotion.
Except, that he had.
Shaw had the opportunity to take down the RING by sacrificing himself, and he chose to enact his own personal vengeance. Going in alone was fool hardy, and reckless. It was an emotional response that had had lurked under the surface for so long, it practically erupted.
It was wrong.
It should have told Sarah how emotional he was and how dangerous those emotions were. But he had said all the right words, assuring Sarah and General Beckman that they could still be a good team.
Shaw was a good spy. She believed that a little too long and that belief almost cost her life.
Chuck knew that the whole situation was wrong. Chuck realized how driven Shaw was for vengeance. Only Chuck realized that no one could be that emotionally detached. Chuck knew, because … because he's Chuck. Her Chuck.
Her Chuck saved her. Again.
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The CIA was the biggest lie of them all.
Sarah thought she loved her job, until she realized that she didn't. The CIA didn't give her a life of purpose, it took everything away from her. It would have taken away her very soul if it could.
It almost did. Her Red Test changed her into someone she didn't like, someone that didn't deserve love and happiness. It had made Sarah destroy life and that almost destroyed hers.
Almost.
Since she had met Chuck, it had become a constant battle for the ultimate state of control. The CIA knew how dangerous Chuck was to that control. Why else would they put so much effort into keeping them apart? So they lied. They talked about protocol. They stressed the cardinal rule; they trotted out a 49B; they praised Shaw for being an American Hero. They pounded and pounded and pounded away until Sarah didn't trust her heart. How could she if she trusted the CIA?
Except, now she didn't trust them. She didn't need to. She had Chuck.
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Sarah knew in her heart that she loved Chuck. Her heart didn't lie. It told her it had always been a matter of trust. And Chuck was teaching her to trust her heart. He was a gift.
And with that, she was overwhelmed with another memory, a memory of being in their pajamas, a paper doily her head and Chuck in his tux jacket.
"Chuck, you're a gift. You're a gift I never dreamed I could want or need. And everyday I will show you that you're a gift I deserve. You make me the best person I could ever hope to be. And I want to spend, and learn, and love the rest of my life with you."
Sarah smiled. This was a good memory. She had gotten her answers and they weren't complicated.
It was all just a matter of trust.
* A Matter of Trust. Single by Billy Joel from the Album The Bridge. Released in 1986.
Fini.
A/N #2: This turned out very different from how I first imagined it. A writer on this site, whom I admire, once said that you have to let the story go where it wants to go. I did. I hope you enjoyed it.