Three Painful Words
Jess is gone.
Your chest constricts painfully, and you feel like you can't breathe. The words are coming from your mother's lips. But they should be coming from his. Those words; those three painful words. Those three painful words that make it all real. Because somehow you knew. You knew, and you could feel him slipping beneath your fingertips. They ache, because now you know it's true, and you can no longer feel him. You can not make excuses for his absense, because they are there. Those three painful words.
"Oh."
One word. It's the only word you can say. Your mother looks upon you with worried eyes. She knows; she knows how much this is hurting you and that every breath you struggle to take is unreal to you. But she doesn't know. She couldn't possibly know that this is killing you. Because noone had ever known. That sometimes you couldn't think when he looked at you with those captive dark eyes. That you couldn't ever imagine being with anyone else, because the thought hurt too much. That the town princess was hopelessly falling - had already fallen - for the town hoodlum.
You tell her you are okay. And your mind screams 'LIAR', because you know you never will be. So she takes you home, and the world keeps going. But you so desperately wish it to stop.
As the weeks pass, you let everyone believe that you are okay. And that this was just the simple story of every girl; the badboy in your past that broke your heart; but only for a little while. But the truth is it's so much more than that. He wasn't just the town's badboy, he was your dodger. But they go on with their daily lives believing the town princess has recovered. But they are so beyond wrong because you are broken so badly that noone can fix you. Almost noone.
And as the months past your hurt is so unbearable that it becomes anger. You hate that he left, and that he didn't even have the nerve to tell you. You hate that he's starting a new life, and that your not in it. You hate the fact that you feel like you have done something wrong, and that he didn't love you. Because he couldn't have ever loved you. Because he left and he hurt you. You hate that you are the one that's hurting, bleeding, because he's gone. Because thoughts of him devour your mind every fucking second, and to him you are just a memory. Because he didn't love you and he left. You hate his devious smirk. And his laugh. And his perfect eyes. You hate that it's all you can think of. You hate everything about him. But you love him.
You thought that you would never feel again. But as more time passes, your mind becomes less hazy. He is still there, but you push him to the back. You go on with your life. Something is missing and you know exactly what. But you tell yourself you don't. And you go on, because this is as close as it gets.
I love you.
Then one night, everything crashes. Because the one moment he was gone from your mind, he was there in your eyes. His eyes are closed, as he struggles for warmth and sleep. And you are thankfull he cannot see you. Because for a second, you let your thoughts wonder. Wonder what it would be like to be huddled next to him in the back seat of his car. What it would be like to taste him again. What it would be like to be in his heart. But the thought hurts you too much, so you run. Because as hard as you may wish, you are not in his heart. Because he left and he hurt you. He doesn't love you.
You see him a few times, because it is a small town, and that is what a small town expects. But you don't expect for your breath to still be taken away when he looks at you. And you defenantly don't expect it when he leaves. He leaves?He always leaves, but he doesn't even have the right. Because he left in the first place and he broke your heart. It's your town and he doesn't love you. So you see him and you leave. But he chases. You keep running because you can't even bare to face him, not when you know you won't see the love in his eyes. Because he doesn't love you; he left. He cuts you off, and he looks into your eyes. It hurts. It hurts so much to look at him. He almost looks as if - NO! He couldn't possibly love you because he letf. You spit out angry words at him, becuase you want to hurt him, oh, so badly. You want to hurt him like he hurt you. But then they come. Those three painful words, and the world stops.
You had let him leave that night, because it couldn't possibly be real, could it? He couldn't love you because he hurt you more times then once. He left again, and it hurt so badly. Almost as badly as knowing that he thought you didn't love him. Because that was so beyond wrong. You love him. You love him more than you thought you ever could. But all he ever did was hurt you.
Come with me.
And then, if it wasn't enough, he shows up in your life again. You feel angry, because no matter what you do, he would never leave. Never leave from your life, never leave from your mind. Never leave from your heart. He tells you he loves you, that he loved you the first time he saw you two years ago. And it hurts you for him to tell you this, because you love him so much, but you can't forgive him. He hurt you too much. And then he asks you. He asks you three words, just three painful words, and he tells you he knows it's what you want. He is so right, he has no idea. But you can't leave your life for him because he will leave you. So you give him one word. It's the only word you can say.
"No!"
So he leaves. And it was his turn to hurt. His turn to miss you. His turn to believe you didn't love him. But he was so beyond wrong. Because you do love him. More than you thought you ever could. But all he ever did was hurt you. And that's all you ever did, too.
AN: Please review!