She cried down into her pillow.
The tears cleansed her body, but not her soul.
The pain still lived there, pulsing, raging and howling inside her.
It lay there just beneath her skin trying to break her from the inside.
She knew that she never could get the boy she love the most.
No one knew how much he meant to her they all thought it was her hormons but she knew that it was real love not her hormons.
But with love there is always pain and she didn't know how much longer she could keep the pain inside.
The pain always confused her, it had been with her since the first day she saw him, but she had no real reason to feel it.
Looking back at the first day she saw a picture of him, she knew there was no real reason for her to be so depressed and feel litterly hopeless.
She lied there on the bed, wondering what to do.
No one cared about her, they just adored her writing they always sade with alittel praktis on her english she could be a author.
How could they say that to her? Didn`t they see the pain she hade inside her, couldent they see that she really needed someone to talk to .
The pain was there, but stronger and scarier.
Her scarred soul couldn`t take it anymorem, she hade to do something but WHAT?
Deliver me from this war. It´s not for me it´s because of you
She looked at the nightstand beside her with the empty glass of pills next to it.
She had to feel the effect of the pills.
"It's not fast enough" she thought in desperation.
With dizziness inside her core, carefully she made her way to the bathroom.
Inside the bathroom she opened all the drawers desperately.
"It has to be somewhere," she thought clear headed.
And then she suddenly remembered, and reached down under the bathtub and dragged out a razor.
Its all over, everything is lost.
My secret prince can't save me; he doesn't care and now he never ever will.
He has someone else to care for now.
Someone that's not me.
Obey to kill to save yourself.
"For I know now, my secret prince cares so much more about the music, than he does about me."
She picks up the razor, and just stares at it.
So sharp, but not as sharp as the knife cutting her soul to pieces.
"I don't have anyone", then she puts it at her arm.
Cuts it deep down and does the same at the other arm.
"The blood, so much blood."
Somehow the pain seemed so little.
Inside she hurted even more but the pain was gone just as her heart.
she had lost to the boy she loved the most or was he really hers?
She was walking to her bedroom when she heard the door bell, she couldent care less.
She heard her mom answerd the door when she closed her door.
She walked to her bed, she could hear her mom call on her, but she didn`t want to talk to her or the person that was on the door.
The only think she was thinking on was the love of her life.
She looked one last time on the picture and wisperd: Ich Liebe Dich Gustav (I love you Gustav).
She toke the razor she had taken with her from the bathroom and then she puted it at her artey.
The blood whent down on the floor.
She coulden`t talk to anybody, no one understood how she felt.
Her dreams toke her to the desired fairyland.
The blood stained the floor.
She could hear that somebody knocked on her door but she hadent any powers to say come in so she kept her mouth closed.
The person on the other side knocked one more time.
"just go inside maybe she is listen to music, she has a bad hearing so she listen to music weary loud".
The boy whent in.
"your mom said I could go....".
He didnt come any longer becose he saw the stained floor and the girl of his dreams lifeless on the bed.
He ran to the girl, he looked her in the eyes and she said something that sounded like this: Cut me free, Bleed with me, Oh no. One by one, We will fall, down down.
Pull the plug, End the pain, and then she was gone.
She hade a letter and a note in her hand, he read the note loud and right then when he was done, came the girls mom in to her daughters room.
She couldent belive what her eyes told her she knew her daughter was depressed but she never thought her daughter would take her own life.
The girl left a letter to her mom and a letter to her everything (Gustav Klaus Wolfgang Schafer).
her mom read the letter:
You have no idea how many times I've contemplated suicide.
I mean the pills, the blade, the drugs and the alcohol were all ready, the suicide letters, some finished some uncompleted.
You have no idea how many times I've sat on my bed, blocking out everything, and concentrating on the blunt razor blade, you dont know how many times I've carved his name into my wrists, my legs, my stomach, my whole body so they would know the reason for my death.
So they would know that he was the one I toke my life for.
You are my killer mom, you have taken away my whole being.
You have raped all thoughts severely, and here I lay, blank and cold.
You dont know how many times I've ended my life, only to be brought back from the dead.
I've slept forever, waiting for my prince.
My depression, my only true self, you dont know how many times, I've stared at barbwire fences and old abandoned boats, trying to see there beauty.
I've tried to talk but you left your fist deep down in my throat.
You marked me so that I could never be normal again.
You've inserted a capsule of sorrow into my brain, havent you?
You've sent the crows to feast off my naked torn apart body havent you?
You've talked to me through tin cans and white powders havent you?
You have pretended to be god, in all your pathetic glory havent you?
You have injected me with yourself so that I could scratch away at my veins to bleed you out havent YOU?
You`ve always made me feel so tired, so lost, so confused, you've always given me a map with directions to nowhere.
You`ve always whispered dirty REPULSIVE ******* thoughts into my ears, so that I could try and cut them out HAVENT YOU?
you`ve always been touching me with your dirty little hands, calling me your doll, so that no amount of acid could rid me of you.
you`ve entered into the deepest depths of me.
you`ve abandoned me, and now my whole identity is FAKE! you`ve placed plastic wires into my skin so you could control me, just like your doll.
You`ve always been in the mirrors, so i could stare at myself, stare at you, so I could be vain and never question your loyalty.
you.
YOU have sprinkled brown substances into my water, in hopes of poisoning me havent you?
you have taken this body for ransom.
every word i produce has your name written all over it, but you have made people ignorant, so they cannot read properly, so they cannot understand.
you have waited for centuries, so that i may become vunerable, so that you could strike with such force that my lips have bled.
bled for YOU.
bled for those who cannot bleed no more.
you, have made me LOSE THIS WAR so that i could never be content again, and you have succeeded, you have won.
my beautiful depression is yours.
From your NOT beloved daughter
when her mom was done she kept on crying she couldent stop the tears and then she walked to her daughters computer.
She wanted to know what her daughter was doing. She found a love letter to the boy her mom meant she hade lost her to. Gustav Schafer.
Here mom read the letter and she wanted so badly that the boy that her daughter loved so much was going to read it and she printed the letter out and called her sons and saide what was going on and they came home and she told the boys about her plan and they wanted to come with, they loved their littel sister and they hade seen how sade she was the last days of her life and they wanted so badly see her happy but they dident know what to do.
They read the letter she hade wrote to her mom and the letter she wrote to her everything (Gustav).
They decided that they were going to Germany and give Gustav the letter so they knew he got it.
They knew she wanted that.
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When they came to the record studio where Tokio Hotel record in their Cd.
They knew it wasent easy to talk with gustav so they talked with producer David Jost and told him what hade happend and he fell some tears and they asked if he could give Gustav the letter and he sade that they could give it to him their self if they wanted.
they knocked on the door where they knew the drummer of Tokio hotel where.
He yelled come in on german offcores but one of her brothers could german so they knew he would understand him because they sister hade told them that they wasen`t so good in english.
First he looked a littel confused but he said Hallo to them.
- We have a letter to you from our littel sister
- why didn`t she bring it herself?
- She is gone
- dide she runaway
- No!
- ok
They gave him the letter and sade that this will explain everything.
They told him that he coulden`t open it before he came home not before.
and then they sade goodbye and wished their sister could meet him.
Gustav looked at the letter and didn`t understand anything but he wanted to know what it stood in the letter and his bandmates came in and asked what the boys wanted.
He saide that they gave him a letter that their sister wrote to him.
He got an bad feeling about the girl but he never understood why before he got home.
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The first think Gustav dide when he got home was to read the letter he hade got earlier that day.
He looked at a picture of the girl that her mom hade puted in the letter.
He hade to admitt that she was beautiful, she wasen`t to skinny or to fat she was in the middel
He started to read the letter:
Hello Gustav, when you read this are I gone.
I have wrote so many love letters to you in my mind and even when I have classes I write your name or letter or just words (Gustav laughts on that one)
the problem was to pull the send butten but it was hard because I will pull out my heart and you wouldent even read it so it would just be waisting of feelings.
I know you will find a girl that is the right one for you, I justknow it and you will be happy and forbet all the bad tings that has happend in your life.
hope you like the letter:
I have been reading so many famous love letters by famous people to give me inspiration when writing one to you.
The problem is though that whilst all these letters are beautiful and heartfelt they are not about you and no matter how they've tried, none of their words could possibly sum the need and immense love that I uniquely have for you.
My emotions are transparent this morning for all to see, the look of pain and anguish on my face causes a conspiracy to all those that know me. They can see something is wrong but I cannot express the words to them of how and why I feel this way; I feel muted by my unyielding pain.
It is a kind of depression, a point in which if I dwell in it for too long, tears begin to well in my eyes, because we will never be together. I must try to raise myself up from this point of hopelessness everyday, and to do that requires the incessant need to vanquish those thoughts that cause the most pain, to fool myself that I can make it until I see you, and to find new thoughts to keep those that perturb me.
Hence this morning instead of the depressive spiral I have decided to once again find new thoughts to stem that poison that flows through my heart. Those thoughts evolve around thinking of you, but not just thinking about you, concentrating on you're every bit, from the way your face creases when you smile, I love witnessing that energy that burns behind your eyes, and that tranquil calmness that emanates from within you, giving inspiration to all.
And as these thoughts reverberate, the poison starts to subside, the poison starts to hide in the lower bowels of my soul and once again I can feel that I can go on just a few more days, just a few more hours, continue on until that poison starts to consume me again.
But I am unfaithful that this remedy will work forever, and so I need you back by my side, for each time I dream of you, I realise that it is just a dream to make me feel that not all hope is lost, and that the only true remedy for this inoperable sickness is the reality of being with you.
I love you Gustav more than I ever have loved a person before.
Hugs and Kisses from a girl that is in love with u.
Gustav couldent stop the tears, he felt so sorry for the girl.
She toke her own life, was it his fault or was there someone else that hade hurted her so bad??