Ludwig paged through portraits that had been done of him during his childhood, smiling every time he saw a picture of him being foolish and wearing a dress or a skirt. Ludwig kept it inside, but he'd always liked wearing dresses. Now that he was older, there wasn't much opportunity for that. Of course, there was the odd time when he was drunk and his inhibitions melted away… Ludwig smacked the top of his head. He was trying to make sense of what was going on in his mind, and it seemed the only solution for him was to trace it back to the original source. Ludwig had always felt...strange in his body, to say the least, but it had gotten to the point recently that he had trouble getting into the shower without being thrown to the verge of tears. He sighed and continued to page through one of the many portraits. Prussia, his older brother, also known as 'Gilbert' or 'The Awesome One' used to get Ludwig's portrait painted regularly just for the fun of it, and because he was so rich he could afford it. Ludwig remembered fondly the time he had stumbled upon a woman who was giving away some old dresses, and Ludwig had taken one and tried it on. Gilbert had laughed so hard, and taken him to get his portrait painted. Ludwig sighed unhappily, and he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"West!" came his brother's voice, loud and obnoxious near his ear, "I need to borrow money!"
"Why?" Ludwig asked, quickly turning the portrait over, the one he had been admiring just a moment ago, "You can't just keep taking all of my money like that. Get a job."
"No one can handle the awesome me in the workplace, West! I need money for beer!" Gilbert responded. At least his ego hadn't gotten smaller, after he was no longer a nation.

"Gilbert, I feed you, clothe you, and house you. I'm not wasting my money to buy you beer."

Gilbert made a noise of displeasure, and started doing his annoying, whiney thing to try and get his way.

"Go borrow money from Francis or Antonio. Leave me alone." Ludwig turned the portrait back over, and begun examining it, forgetting Gilbert was still there.

"West, why are you looking at that stupid portrait of you in a silly dress? You were such a weird little kid, I totally thought you were going to grow up and be a sissy like Austria."

"Gilbert, Roderich is your boyfriend. Why are you insulting him?"
"Roderich is basically a woman." Gilbert responded, dramatically flinging himself over the back of the couch. "So, you've been looking at all of your girly portraits. Why?"
Ludwig paused, took a deep breath, and said nothing.

Ludwig's quality of life was dwindling. He went to training with Feliciano and Kiku, but his heart wasn't really in it. He felt like he was lying to them, but he wasn't sure what he was lying about. Ludwig was sitting in his house, computer on, trying to make sense of his life again. His back was facing the door, so he didn't notice when Feliciano bounced up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. Ludwig scrambled for the mouse to close the tab, but it took him too long, and Feliciano was able to read the search name.

"Why were you searching up if it was normal for men to feel like women, Germany? Is Prussia being weird again?"

"Nein!" Ludwig replied, trying desperately to find a cover-up lie. "I um, I just wondered was all, Feliciano."

Feli paused, sensing that Ludwig was tense about something, but he wasn't sure what to say to his friend to comfort him.

"You look sad, Luddie. Do you want to go and see a movie or something?"
"Nein, I don't want to go out." Ludwig responded. He felt uncomfortable in public these days - like people were always staring at him. He also figured they sensed his discomfort in his body. Feliciano nodded and hugged Ludwig from behind. "Do you want to go to bed? It's late, you've been up since super-duper early in the morning!"
"Ja, I think that's a good idea." Ludwig muttered under his breath, glad for the opportunity to be rid of his easily-excitable friend, just for a while. It wasn't that Ludwig disliked Feliciano, he just needed some time alone to figure stuff out.
"Si, I'm tired too! Let's go to bed, Ludwig!"
Ludwig paused, and buried his face in his hands. "Please, Feli, not tonight. I really need some alone time."
"When Japan says that, he always wants people to-"
"I'm not Japan!" Ludwig shouted, cutting the Italian off before he could finish his sentence.
"I understand." Feliciano said dejectedly, leaving Ludwig alone in his bedroom. Ludwig stripped down to his boxers, and fell asleep with tears in his eyes.

When Ludwig woke up in the morning, he felt a body pressed up against his. He sighed, and turned to see none other than Feliciano curled up against his body.

"Italy!" Ludwig shouted, "What did I say about needing alone time!"
"But I had a nightmare." Feliciano murmured, without opening his eyes, "I came in here because you're so strong and manly and it always makes me feel better."
For some reason, when Feliciano called Ludwig 'manly', it made the German want to burst into tears right then and there, but he swallowed the lump in his throat and quietly choked out a murmur of agreement. Ludwig sat up, rubbing his eyes, and reached for his phone on the bedside table. He picked it up, angled the screen out of Feliciano's view, just in case he did decide to open his eyes, and proceeded to send a quick email to America and Canada, asking about something he was extremely worried about. He mentioned how top-secret it was at least fifteen times in the first paragraph, still worried about America gossiping, but he knew that their two countries were some of the most LGBT-friendly in the world. Ludwig had done some research, and found out there was something called 'transgender', which meant that someone who was born feeling like the opposite gender than they were born with. He had also figured out that there were generally signs in a child's younger life, and, as Ludwig reminisced on his childhood, he realized just how many signs there were. The frequent dress-wearing, the paper dolls he used to make dresses for, how he cried and cried when Gilbert took away the dresses he had found on the side of the road in mud puddles, after people had thrown them away. Yes, there were signs. Ludwig was afraid of himself, and his feelings, and he needed to know if they were normal. Ludwig really didn't know Canada really well - he'd forgotten he'd existed until he read Canada's name in an LGBT article. He sent the email asking for advice and wondering if his feelings were normal, and a final request not to mention it to anyone.

Ludwig got an email back from Matthew Williams (Canada) almost immediately. He opened it, afraid he would see that it was an abomination. But he was also worried it would be okay, and that he was going to be brave enough to admit it to himself. And, of course, to other people. In the email, Matthew explained that being transgender was nothing to be afraid of, or embarrassed about, and that if Ludwig was a woman, Matthew would be one hundred percent supportive of him. Ludwig sighed in relief - these feelings did make sense. Ludwig then responded asking if Matthew had a phone number he could contact him at if he needed more help, and Matthew sent him one, reassuring him that his feelings were justified and completely normal. The email he got from Matthew's brother, Alfred, was a little more conflicted-sounding, mostly because a couple of America's states were still off-board on the whole 'equality' thing. But for the most part, America seemed okay with the idea, and he told Ludwig that he should be proud to be himself. Ludwig sighed, his whole body feeling warm with relief, and he turned his phone off, and turned on his side to face the sleeping Italian beside him. Feliciano blinked sleepily, rubbed his eyes, and smiled at Ludwig.
"Good morning, handsome." Feli said, smiling, "I'm hungry."
Ludwig, in truth, felt a little sad thanks to Feliciano calling him 'handsome', but he decided it was fine, because Feli didn't know. I need to tell him eventually. Ludwig thought to himself, sighing at the thought.

"Good morning, cutie." Ludwig said, before covering his mouth in a fit of shock. He never called people cute, because he thought it was a girly thing to do. I guess I'm embracing my womanly self. Ludwig thought, and smiled at the idea.

"Ludwig, are you okay?" Feli asked, "You never call me cute! Are you sick? Of course, I don't mind you calling me cute, it's just I'm not used to it, you know? I'm glad you think I'm cute, Ludw-"

"Feliciano, calm down." Ludwig cut into the flustered Italian's rambling. "Let's go eat, ja?"

Ludwig, admittedly, noticed that his behaviour was becoming outwardly more feminine, because he wasn't trying to hide how he felt anymore. He started to cook a large breakfast, humming modern pop songs to himself. Feliciano sat on the counter, singing along with Ludwig's deep-voiced hums.
"You're in an awfully good mood today, Ludwig!" Feliciano smiled to his friend, who was in the middle of frying bacon in a pan.
Ludwig realized something slowly that morning - that his feminine behaviour was very similar to how Feliciano acted on a regular basis - cooking and singing like a 1950s housewife from an old movie. Ludwig imagined himself wearing a frilly pink apron, and a curvy form, with a feminine face, and long hair styled into some elaborate updo. He was so lost in thought, that he forgot that he was cooking.
"Uh, Ludwig, the bacon is burning!"

Ludwig was pulled out of his thoughts as he tried to furiously salvage the food he was making. The bacon was blackened and smoking. Feliciano wrinkled up his nose in disgust.

"That looks...delicious, Ludwig." Feliciano said.
"You're a terrible liar. I've ruined it." Ludwig said in disappointment, smoothing his hair back with his hand. "I'm such a failure."
At that moment, Ludwig felt tears rushing to his eyes. For some reason, failing to do a simple feminine task hurt Ludwig so bad, he had to run to his room and lock the door, burying himself underneath the covers and sobbing desperately. He heard the fire alarm go off in the kitchen, along with some Italian cuss words and Feliciano jumping around the kitchen until the alarm went off.

"Germany, are you okay?" Ludwig heard his Italian friend coming down the hallway. "Ludwig, please, come and talk to me."
Feliciano's voice was just outside Ludwig's door, but Ludwig didn't know if he could face Feliciano right now. He checked himself out in the mirror across the room. His hair was a mess, his face was blotchy and red.

"Please, Ludwig, don't be upset. It's just bacon, we can make some more. I could make some more, please, Ludwig, don't be sad. I promise, if you come out we can make a lot of bacon together and throw a party, and we can invite all of our friends and we can all eat bacon together, si? Please, Ludwig."
Ludwig shook his head, trying to keep his sobs back, and said nothing. He couldn't handle this right now.

A few hours later, when Ludwig still hadn't emerged from his room, Gilbert came to the door, worried beyond belief, hammering on the door like crazy, shouting loudly. All Gilbert's yelling did was make Ludwig cry harder. After a while, Gilbert left, due to Feliciano's insistence that he go and play with his bird and stop scaring Ludwig. Ludwig still wouldn't emerge, sobbing harder and harder each time Feliciano knocked on the door. He heard Feliciano on the phone with Kiku, but Kiku was busy, Ludwig assumed, due to Feli's exasperated sigh. He was on the phone with Lovino at one point, too, but with no success. After several phone calls later, Feliciano was about to give up.

"Alfred?" Feli said into the phone defeatedly, and Ludwig immediately grew alarmed. What if Alfred told Feliciano what Ludwig had emailed him about? "Alfred, Ludwig's locked himself in his room and I can't get him to come out!" Feli paused to listen to Alfred. "Si, bring Matthew, please. Anything to get Ludwig out. He's been in there for four hours. It's past lunch, I'm hungry and I need to have a siesta." Another pause. "Grazie, America, thank you. See you soon."

In a little over half an hour, there was a knock on the front door. Feliciano went over to open it.
"Si, he's in there. No offense, Alfred, but maybe Matthew can go first and see if he'll let him in, you might upset him more."

There was a quiet discussion Ludwig couldn't hear, and a few seconds later there was a gentle knock on his door.

"Ludwig?" came a soft voice, "Ludwig, it's Matthew. Can I come in, please?"

Ludwig sniffled and pondered the possibilities, and a few seconds later, the lock clicked, and the door opened a crack.
"What do you want?" Ludwig demanded, his voice cracking.

"Just to talk, Ludwig, can you manage that?"

"I suppose." Ludwig closed and locked the door, with Matthew inside.

Matthew reached for Ludwig's hand and rubbed his fingers gently. Ludwig blushed a little, at the tender gesture from the quiet Canadian.

"How are you doing, Ludwig?" Matthew asked, still rubbing Ludwig's large, masculine-looking fingers. Matthew let go of Ludwig's hands after a minute, reaching for the large duffel bag he'd brought with him. He opened the bag and rummaged around for a moment, and, before letting Ludwig answer, asked another question.
"What's your favourite colour?"

Ludwig was flustered. Favourite...colour? "Uhm, green."
"Like your uniform?" Matthew asked, still rummaging.
"Nein. Like...a forest. Tree leaves."

"That's a pretty colour." Matthew said, pulling a bottle of nail polish out of his bag, in a bright green. Ludwig paused, not sure what Matthew was attempting. Matthew then pulled out some fake nails and nail glue. He smiling reassuringly at Ludwig, before starting to slightly long fake nails over top of Ludwig's broken, chewed ones. After Matthew finished gluing on the nails, he faced Ludwig.
"How are you doing?" he asked again.

"Not so good." Ludwig murmured, mesmerized by Matthew painting the fake nails a brilliant green. Ludwig's hands had never looked so pretty before. The colour and the nails made his large, calloused fingers look almost like a woman's. Matthew smiled. "You picked a nice colour."

"How much nail polish do you have in there?" Ludwig asked, curious.
"In all due time." Matthew replied quietly, "Now, let's get you dressed."

Matthew had brought a dress. A flowing black dress, that was tight on the chest, and did a sort of mermaid-y thing around the waist, flowing loosely down the hips, all the way to the knees. Matthew had brought a black bra, too, and Matthew showed a slightly embarrassed but eager Ludwig how to stuff a bra with socks. Ludwig put it on, blushing. He wasn't used to being this supported, or this comfortable, even. Matthew also gave him a pair of black panties, that Ludwig (eagerly, but also uncomfortably) put on. He put the dress on over his female garments, and Ludwig gasped in surprise. He didn't say anything as Matthew led him back to the bed, and started covering Ludwig's face with makeup - blush, bronzer, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, lipstick. Every time Ludwig tried to get a glimpse of himself in the mirror, Matthew would force his face to turn back.
"In all due time." Matthew whispered.

Ludwig nodded, and waited for the quiet Canadian man to finish.
"One more thing." Canada whispered, pulling blonde hair from his back. When Ludwig's hair was down, it was a bit longer, and Matthew started clipping hair extensions on. Ludwig fidgeted nervously. Matthew handed him a pair of black heels, and Ludwig put them on. He waited patiently, and Matthew smiled.
"You go, pretty lady."

Ludwig walked over to the full-length mirror, and the moment he saw his reflection, he started to cry.

"Thank God I picked waterproof stuff, eh?" Matthew whispered quietly, but Ludwig didn't notice. He was too captivated by the woman in the mirror. She had long, slightly wavy blonde hair that just reached past her shoulders. Her nose and cheekbones, thanks to contouring, were far more feminine. Her shoulders were still broad, of course, but her face was so much more feminine. Her lips were a faint shade of pink, and her eyes were smoky, with hints of green that matched her nails. Her nails! Ludwig lifted his hands to the mirror, and he choked up again.
"Matthew…" Ludwig whispered, voice cracking, "Thank you."
Matthew shrugged. "What should I call you?"

Ludwig paused, thinking of every woman's name he liked. One name stood out in particular.

"Monika." Ludwig murmured. The deep, masculine voice didn't match the face.

"Well, Monika, my dear, would you like to make your big debut?" Matthew asked, inspecting his handiwork.

Monika immediately shook her head frantically. Matthew nodded. "Can I at least bring Alfred in here? Half of this was his idea."

Monika nodded, and Matthew walked out into the hall. A few minutes later Alfred came in. He stopped in the doorway, his mouth popped open in shock. Monika covered her face self-consciously. A huge grin grew on Alfred's face. He wolf-whistled quietly.
"Well hello, pretty lady. How about you and I go out later tonight?" he said, sliding over to Monika.

Monika shook her head, a deep giggle erupting from her throat. "Nein." she whispered, "I have my eyes on someone else."

"Is it Feliciano?" Alfred asked, faking being offended.
"Ja." Monika whispered.
"Well, gorgeous, you're in luck, because I know a certain Italian named Feliciano with a thing for pretty ladies."
Monika blushed, and smiled. "Thank you so much. For...for everything."
A few minutes later, Matthew returned. "Feli's worried about you, Ludw- Monika. You should probably talk to him, eh?"

Monika nodded, taking in her reflection one more time. "Send him in, ja? I think I should talk to him alone."

Alfred took the hint and left, Matthew smiling encouragingly and following his brother. A minute or so later, Feliciano appeared, smiling. The smile dropped off his face when he entered the room.
"Ludwig?" he asked.
"Uhm." Monika replied, worried.

"Ludwig, you look pretty!" Feliciano said happily, his smile bouncing back in a matter of seconds. Monika blushed deeply and whispered.
"Please, call me Monika."
"Okay!"