Disclaimer: I own nothing. I know someone else turned the 'Team Jacob/Edward' into 'Team Spock/Bones' but I had this idea and ran with it. So not only do I not own the characters, I don't own the idea.
Summary: Bones tries to explain Team Spock and Team Bones to Spock and ends up being the one educated.
This is total crack, which is very addicting, and meant in fun and all light-heartedness.
At exactly 1805, Commander Spock entered the Mess for his evening meal, just as he did every night. Both the Captain and Dr. McCoy were unavailable to join him this evening, so he was alone as he waited to choose his meal. With his keen Vulcan observation, Spock began to take notice of those around him. Most of the crewmen and officers were talking together, enjoying their replicated meals. Upon closer examination, he saw that some of the crew were no longer in their tunics, but had casual shirts with big, bold letters written across the chest. Finally, the words on the shirts registered in the Vulcan's mind. Not bothering to stay for his meal, Spock left the Mess heading for Dr. McCoy's office. Unseen to him, several crewmembers grinned to one another.
Rushing into Med Bay, the Commander did not return any greetings the nurses politely offered, he was focused only on his goal. Requesting access, but not bothering to wait for a reply, Spock barged into the physician's office. "I have an urgent matter to discuss with you." He swept into the room, coming to a halt on the other side of McCoy's desk. His body was stretched taunt, his brow furrowed.
Looking up from his PADDs, McCoy raised an eyebrow. "Ok, sit down and we'll talk." He leaned back, watching the tense Vulcan take his seat. If it had been a true emergency, Spock would have been carrying Jim's mangled body, so whatever this was, it was not an urgent matter by Bones' definition. This was no doubt some discussion of a protocol not being followed to the letter or someone having done something completely illogical. Jim was on a conference call with the Admiralty, so Bones was left 'baby sitting' Spock.
Pausing long enough to sit, Spock wasted no time in starting the conversation. "In the mess, I noticed that several crewmembers are wearing shirts that say 'Team Spock' or 'Team Bones'. I do not understand what this means, and, because you are also named in this, it was only logical to assume that you might have prior knowledge and a deeper understanding of this." He was very sincere in his query. It was no secret amongst the staff that Vulcans were a very private race. Having his name broadcast on the bodies of the crew in such a manner and seemingly in competition with Dr. McCoy's, it was very disturbing.
Stifling a laugh, Bones nodded his head. "I need a drink before we start this discussion. Hell, I might need two drinks before I can talk about this with you." Reaching behind him, he pulled one of the large bottles of whiskey onto his desk and poured a glass full. Just as he took his first sip to gather his courage, Jim came bursting in the door in his usual life-of-the-party way. "Jim, I'm glad to see you. You've got the most impeccable timing." Bones smirked at his blonde friend from behind his glass. "I believe that Jim will be the better one to answer your question, Spock." He winked at the Commander and relaxed back into the chair, ready to watch a good show.
With a sly smile and a twinkle in his eye, Jim sat on the edge of Bones' desk facing Spock. "And what question would that be?" He was addressing the older man but kept his eyes on his First Officer.
This time, Bones let his laughter ring for several seconds before regaining his composure enough to answer the question. "He wants an explanation of Team Spock and Team Bones. It is some silly Human prank that escapes his understanding." He was expecting Jim to join in the laughter, to immediately have some snappy comeback about how 'everyone wanted him' including his best friends and to shake it off. Instead the blonde turned and stepped behind Bones clinking ice in to a glass. Surprised by his aversion to the topic, Bones turned to stare at Jim's back. "What's going on?" He turned back to Spock who had two tiny green spots appearing on his cheeks.
With his back still facing the two, Jim chuckled nervously pouring himself a large amount of the amber liquid. "Well Spock, Team Spock and Team Bones are sides that the crew has taken on which one of you should be the one to 'get' me." He threw back the whole glass of whiskey.
Spock rose from the chair glaring at Bones. "You mean you have made your interests in my t'hy'la known and yet have not formally challenged me?" Pure rage, the historic emotion from before Surak's teaching, flowed from the taller man.
Bones jumped to his feet. "Wait a damn second." He moved away from Jim, who had finally turned to face his friend. "I have no idea what you are talking about. Why would I challenge you? Hang on…" Bones mind began to process what was happening. "Nervous Jim plus furious Spock with 'Team Bones' as a common denominator equals you two have some explaining to do real quick!" He crossed his arms over his chest.
Jim and Spock shared a quick glance, both relaxing. "I apologize for making assumptions before I had gathered all the information." Spock once more took his seat, looking as relaxed as he could.
Of course that left Jim to explain. "Well, Bones, Spock and I are…" He chuckled under Bones harsh gaze. "Let me put it this way, no offense, but I'm Team Spock." While Jim was very happy to be with Spock, he was afraid of what Bones was going to say now. They had been a couple for several months now, keeping it quiet hoping to find the best time to share the good news with Bones. And of all the ways for the physician to learn his two best friends were an exclusive couple, this had to be one of the worst.
Glaring at the two, Bones knocked back the rest of his alcohol motioning for Jim to pour him more, which the blonde did without hesitation. "Do you have any idea what kind of suffering you two have put me through?" He voice was low, his gaze flicking between the human and Vulcan accepting back this glass. "I have not had a date in God knows how long, because every time a woman even looks my way Chapel is quick to tell them that I have the hots for you!" He pointed at Jim. "And all the while you two were happy as two pigs in the mud! You could have told me!" Genuine hurt echoed in his last statement.
Jim stepped close, wrapping an arm around the older man. "I know, I'm sorry." He pulled back. "But I do have an idea about why Chapel won't let you date." Lifting his gold tunic, he revealed his undershirt which had 'Team McChapel' typed across it.
Stunned, Bones gawked at the shirt. "What? You can't be serious." Jim nodded excitedly. "Well, Goblin, are you wearing the same thing?" A tiny amount of hope bubbled in his chest.
Standing, Spock lifted his blue tunic to reveal his choice of 'Team Chulu'. "I have different objectives from my t'hy'la." He lifted an amused eyebrow.
His mind quickly comprehended who else had been meshed, though Chekov and Sulu were much more believable than Bones and Chapel. "Next you are going to tell me there is a movement to get Scotty and Uhura together!" He rolled his eyes for added dramatic effect.
Jim took a seat on the armrest of Spock chair. "Well, that's our other shirt." Two pairs of eyes, one brown and one blue, sparkled with mirth at the oldest man. "Now, Bones don't be such a sourpuss. I'm sure you can still find Nurse Chapel and have a nice quiet evening together. Maybe you can get her a Team Bones shirt to wear." Jim batted his eyelashes up at the cantankerous physician.
Steeling his gaze, Bones leaned close. "If she has been jerking me around for all this time, all three of you might just end up with Orion pheromones hypos for supper." Stepping back, he straightened his uniform and left his office.
Standing together, Spock and Jim followed their friend from his office. They watched as he walked straight up to Chapel, and from her blush began to question her just as intently as he had interrogated them. Intertwining their fingers, Jim winked up at Spock leading him out of the Med Bay. "Maybe after she gets through with him he won't be so angry all the time." The Captain winked at his nearly-smirking First Officer.
A/N: Thanks for reading!
There's no excuse, but it was fun
Reviews are lovely, and you could even tell me which Team you are on…