Inspired by the "Bad Writing: Sam & McKay" thread on Gateworld.

I own nothing but my deranged sense of humor!

Because Explosions are fun :D

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Crystals and Issac Newton

Rodney McKay was quite frankly the smartest man in 2 galaxies. Even if you didn't ask him, you just needed to see how he could figure out how Ancient Systems worked to see just how intelligent he really was.

"Rodney… the hell are you doing?" Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard was smart too, but for the most part he kept it on the down low as he simply enjoyed the simplicity of military life.

"I couldn't find any documentation on this specific system, so I'm figuring out what each crystal actually controls manually." Rodney had become quite fluent in Ancient, it wasn't a very hard language to understand, just needed a few months of studying and having to translate fast enough to save the collective asses of the Expedition more times than he cared to remember.

"So… you're poking them with a stylus?" John has always secretly admired Rodney's aptitude for ancient systems. And now, as he sat down next to the console where Rodney was mimicking the way a mechanic hunches over a hood, couldn't help but feel some possible humor to the situation. "Isn't that dangerous?"

Rodney rolled his eyes, please, he was the smartest man in 2 galaxies! Not even Samantha Carter could say that! "If you must know, these crystals may have an electric charge, so using this plastic stylus is the only way I can pull them out enough to see what turns off, and still remain relatively safe."

John raised an eyebrow, and even Chuck seated nearby smirked. "Relatively?"

Rodney grumbled and nodded his head. "Yes! There's an insignificant chance that I might damage the crystal or cause the ancient equivalent of a short circuit."

John looked to Chuck with a confused expression, he kept his voice low enough for Rodney not to hear it. "Uhh… Ancient Equivalent?"

Chuck hid his smirk, but used his hands in a blossoming gesture to show what he meant. "Booooom."

John chuckled softly, wondered exactly how big this 'Boom' would be, and figured Rodney knew what he was doing. "Hey, why don't you try that red one there? It just looks like it wants to get poked."

Rodney scoffed, but deciding to appease the dark haired Colonel aimed his stylus. "Maybe you can explain how a crystal can look like it wants to get…"

The sound of crystal breaking shocked them all into alertness, but it was rather the delayed explosion moments after that sent Rodney flying back into the wall opposite him that worried the other two in the control room. Chuck was instantly on his headset. "Medical Team to the control room! McKay is down I repeat, Dr McKay is down!"

John leaped out of his chair and was quickly at the stocky Canadian's side. His hands were up and covering his face, the distinct odor of burnt hair made John wince, but not enough to pull him away. "Rodney! Dammit are you okay!?" He turned to Chuck. "Check that console! Make sure it won't blow up again!"

Rodney's muffled screams were incoherent, and John grimaced as she saw pieces of the shattered crystal embedded in the skin and jumpsuit of his best friend.

Even as the medics arrived, John couldn't help but think that this happened way too often.

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"He… poked it?" Sam was incredulous, never in her entire career had she heard such a reckless story. "He… POKED it?"

John tried to look sheepish, but Chuck beside him beat him to the punch. "Well ma-am…. He was quite confident in his technique."

Sam resisted laughing, and instead just closed her eyes in a grimace. Her hand came up in an unbelieving gesture."We're talking about some of the most advanced technology known to mankind. The Lanteans were eons ahead of us and I've spent my entire career trying to reverse engineer these technologies and only with limited success… and Meredith Rodney McKay decides that poking it to see if it blows up is the best scientific approach!?"

John shrugged, and tried to look past Sam to where Rodney was lying on the infirmary bed. Colloquially named "Rodney's Vacation Spot", he really did spend too much time on it. "To be fair ma-am, this is the first documented case of this happening."

Sam checked her snort, and looked back to Rodney. "John, you're smarter than that. Why didn't he just scan the console, input the data into a simulator, and figure it out like that? The biggest risk would have been the blue screen of death!"

John drew a blank, and he looked over to Chuck who also shrugged without knowing why. "Well… I guess you'd have to ask him."

As if summoned, Dr Keller arrived along with Carson. "You'll have to wait a little before you do, we've managed to get all the crystal out but he's still a little incoherent from the painkillers and sedatives. He should be back to work in a day or two but umm… We'll need to get some supplies from Earth."

Sam raised an eyebrow. "Supplies? What do you need?"

Keller looked like she was about to crack up and start laughing, Carson was a little better, showing his trademark concern on his face, but it was evident that even he found the situation funny. "Well Ma-am… it appears that the explosion in the control room has… vaporized most of his hair."

John bit the inside of his lips and struggled not to laugh. Sam was obviously repressing the chuckles as well and Chuck just… well he just chuckled as he left the room seeing Sam dismiss him. "Can we see him?"

Carson and Keller looked to each other, then nodded slowly. "Yes but only for a moment."

The group of Atlanteans moved closer, Rodney was babbling to himself and trying to scratch his face. "Oh god… someone out there enjoys hurting me… probably that space hussy… she's probably laughing at me now…"

Sam and John stood on opposite sides of the bed, Rodney noticed and quickly covered his face. Sam patted him on the shoulder and tried to console him. "Hey, you're alright Rodney. They got all the shards out and you should be back to…" Sam stopped, she couldn't really say normal as his hairline had receded by about 2 inches and he looked like some crazed mental patient. "…Work."

John couldn't fight his smirk, and gave Rodney a very light and playful smack. "How was the vacation this time?"

Rodney grimaced and moaned softly. He kept his voice low and dejected. "I… I saw Issac Newton when I was passed out."

Sam scrunched her face. "What? You dream about Newton?"

Rodney shook his head vehemently, suddenly terrified. "No! No no no! he came to me… he ascended! He came to me while I was unconscious!"

John and Sam looked to each other. This was rapidly spiraling out of control. "Uhh… okay… What did he say?"

Rodney couldn't believe it, Issac Newton was one of his heros! Granted, Sheppard probably knew more in intellectual amount, but Newton had invented Gravity! To hear him say what he said was unbelievably shocking. "He… He told me to stop poking Crystals and RTFM."

John saw Sam wince and restrain her cackles, and he just had to ask. "RTFM? The hell does that mean?"

From behind, he heard a stifled giggle. Dr Keller had overheard Rodney and was struggling not to laugh. "Umm… it means 'read the freaking manual.'"

The entire group struggled not to laugh, but Rodney's next words were just too random and sent them into fits of sniggers. "… but then a whale ate me… so he might have been a dream."

Sam instantly realized that Atlantis needed more Psychiatric workers.