A/N – And I'm back! *waves* This was going to be in now, but didn't really felt it fit, then went back to rework it and kind of liked it so... yeah. Here you go. I'm sorry.
When you die, it's a sudden motion, no matter how long it's been coming for, or how aware you are that the only permanent thing in life is the fact that you will one day no longer exist. Suddenly – poof! - you're gone. Everything you think or feel dissolves back into the vaccuum of space from which it first came from and comes out again as something new. At least that's what science tells us.
"Move it princess, the trains not going to catch itself! Let's go!"
Thing about science is that it misses things. What it doesn't tell you is when something goes poof! from your life it leaves it own miniature vacuum, it's own little empty space you can't fill up. An intangible place in your heart that's suddenly ripped open and leaves you hurt and bleeding and thinking: this? This is what I'm living for? What a joke. What a cruel, stupid joke.
"Fuck, don't just fucking stand there we're lat- woah. Woah. Why the crying?"
Scrub my hand at my face. So I am. Didn't realise.
Cain follows my eyeline to the couch and Moses, who's just sitting there curled up in a ball. Not breathing. Not moving. Takes him a moment.
"Oh, fuck. Fuck."
Cain moves to puts a hand on my shoulder – which is apparently standard comfort from where he's from - but I duck away from him and pick up Moses, go take him outside and get the shovel. Dig it into the earth and each heave feels like a knife to my heart, and I don't want to live, I don't want to die, just want to not exist because not existing means not feeling and not having to worry that you might be this pain to somebody else.
Eventually the hole is deep enough so I put Moses down in the bottom and fill it back up again, wet dirt clumping together unpleasantly making it that much more difficult. Everything is too fucking difficult. Plug the empty space in my chest back up, with anything, even dirt, just to feel whole again, Cain standing awkwardly behind me getting just as soaked as I am in the rain. He tries to catch my arm when I head back to the house but I don't want the contact and shy away, heading straight to the kitchen to get out the vodka. Everything is shaking and I sit down on the floor and start drinking, water dripping from my hair into my eyes turning everything blurry.
"Abel..."
Cain crouches down next to me, and I don't want him there, I just want to be alone and let everything crumple into one point without him involved. But he puts a damp arm around me and pries the bottle out of my hands and I'm suddenly too tired to resist.
"Let's go easy on this."
He pauses for a bit, then pulls me closer and I can't tell what's up or down and I don't know if it's the alcohol talking or if my head is just messing with me again.
"Abel, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."
Takes a breath like he wants to say something else but just ends up resting his head against mine, everything smelling like dust after rain.