Summary: Some things are better left unsaid. Some, on the other hand, need to be heard.
Disclaimer: The Mentalist doesn't belong to me, but I am willing to look after Jane if Lisbon becomes fed up with him...
Warnings: Some swearing, some sexual content, some meaningful looks (you know the ones)
Spoilers: Up to 5x16 - There Will Be Blood, but only vaguely referenced
AN: This piece represents a lot of firsts for me; first Mentalist fic, first M rated fic, first fic in a long time that I haven't talked myself out of posting. After nearly 5 years of not posting anything, I seem to have been bitten by the bug, so there may be more on way. You never know! My skills are a little bit rusty, so any constructive feedback would be awesome.
Also, I have no idea where this came from, I just know the idea wouldn't go away. It's unbetaed, so any mistakes are my own!
Hope you enjoy!
The knock on the door was unwelcome, but not unexpected. She'd figured he'd have left it about 2 minutes after her abrupt departure from the attic to follow her and make his way across to her condo. She'd barely put her keys in the bowl by the entrance when he'd arrived.
She briefly thought about refusing to open the door, letting him stew outside while she went about her evening routine, but she knew that he'd more than likely pick the lock and get in anyway. She sighed and went to open the door, steeling herself for the inevitable storm that was to follow.
He had the grace to look at least a little apologetic as he stood on the other side of the door. He briefly ran his hand through his hair, the blond curls seeming to reflect the harsh porch light next to him. He moved as if to say something, then decided against it. He took a breath and tried again.
"Good evening Lisbon." He didn't even attempt to smile at her.
"Jane." She kept her tone clipped; she didn't want him anywhere near her.
"Can I come in?" He'd already started to move beyond the threshold of the door. His rudeness just seemed to heighten her annoyance with him.
"Sure," she said, closing the door with a little more force than necessary, "do what you want, you will anyway."
He froze, his back to her and he seemed to tense, as if realising that maybe, maybe, he had pushed her too far this time. He slowly turned to face her, but she walked past him and headed towards her kitchen.
He seemed to want to follow her, but she just pointed at him.
"Stay there."
Her back was to him as she reached for the kettle. She was not having this conversation without coffee. Lisbon filled the kettle and turned it on, reaching for a mug as she did so. She didn't bother getting a cup out for Jane, he wouldn't be staying long. She took in a deep breath, her knuckles gripping the edge of the counter until they turned white; the tap beside her slowly dripped and she concentrated on the noise to help calm herself down… drip drip drip… drip drip drip. Standing up straight, she turned to head back into the living room while waiting for the water to boil.
"Look Lisbon, I wanted to apologise for…"
She didn't even let him finish. She looked up at him, anger in her eyes and her words laced with fury.
"You really can't help yourself can you? Even after everything we've been through you still think it's perfectly acceptable to lie to my face."
"I…I'm not lying, not about this."
"Save the 'holier than thou' bullshit Jane. You don't want to apologise. You want to plead with me because I threatened to kick you off the team. Because you know that means you'll never have a hope of reaching Lennon, and you'll never have a chance to kill Red John."
When he didn't reply, she knew she'd hit the nail on the head. For all his charm and arrogance he was becoming incredibly easy to read.
The tension and anger that had simmered within her since the incident this morning had reached boiling point. She felt so much frustration at him and his actions, so much anger at his abuse of her feelings. Suddenly, the love she felt for him seemed to dissipate, replaced by a loathing so deep that she couldn't stand the sight of him.
She moved quickly, coming to stand in front of him before Jane even realised her intentions. Lisbon briefly thought that she looked like some sort of mad woman, but it didn't really matter; he'd seen her act crazy in this room before, many years ago. She wanted to hit him, draw blood, make him feel the anger and hurt that coursed through her at that very minute. Her words were punctuated with sharp jabs to his chest with her finger.
"You stupid, self-serving son of a bitch!" She had wanted to scream at him, but the words came out slowly, with a maliciousness even she hadn't expected. She figured she probably sounded like another brunette he used to know. He'd probably like that.
"I…I didn't mean to…"
"Shut up, Jane." The words came out with a sneer. "Just shut up. You did mean it. You knew exactly what you were doing. You planned every single little part of it, weighed up all the odds, knew every possible outcome to your scheme."
He stood there like the proverbial fish out of water, and she took some sense of satisfaction that she had managed to make Patrick Jane speechless for the first time in years.
"I've known you long enough and well enough to know what would happen. I knew this would happen the minute we had that damn conversation in Davis. It was just a matter of time. I just didn't realise you would do it so publically," she had stopped poking him now, her hands clenched at her side. Jane stared at her, for once in his life knowing better than to make a comment. The kettle boiled in the kitchen, but she ignored it; she needed to speak her mind.
"Did you enjoy it Jane? Did you enjoy parading my feelings around the room, making everyone pity me? My heart was on my sleeve and you ripped it off and stamped all over it. For what? A game of one-upmanship with some no bit politicians? I always knew you were cruel and vindictive Jane, but I had no idea you would stoop so low. I should have listened to you when you said that you would stop at nothing to catch him."
"That wasn't my intention at all; you must know that surely…"
"Know it? How could I possibly know anything about you anymore Jane? You've been holed up in that attic like a hermit for the six weeks since she died; only deigning us with your presence for the occasional smartass comment and to run your ridiculous schemes. You've been a complete stranger to me since you decided to trust the mistress of a serial killer more than me."
She did hit him then, punching him solidly in the chest. Jane didn't react, just stood there taking the punishment. She continued to strike him, pounding his chest with the balls of her fists. There was no real weight behind them, but it was the only thing she could do to stop herself breaking down.
"You knew how I felt. You knew! I didn't expect anything in return Jane; I was coping with how things were. I even managed to move past what you said when you shot me. It never affected my job, and Lord knows it never changed how I treated you. How could it? You didn't listen before and you certainly weren't going to pay attention after you found out. But it wasn't enough for you to forget was it? To put it into a room of your damn memory palace and leave it be. No, finding out how I felt just gave you another pawn for your game. An advantage to use as and when you needed it." She mimicked him, "I can use this, draw Red John out, get revenge… screw the consequences, screw poor little Lisbon's feelings."
Jane moved quickly, grabbing her wrists mid-strike. Lisbon saw that something had changed in his eyes; before they had been full of shame, but now, now they looked angry and she knew her own eyes were likely reflecting the same at him.
"Stop." If his eyes hadn't betrayed his fury with her, the tone of his voice certainly would have. It seemed that Teresa Lisbon had not been the only one dancing on a dangerous knife edge. The one word he uttered caused shivers to run down her spine.
Jane still held her wrists, and he pulled them closer to his chest, instinctively drawing her nearer. She stood taller, determined not to back down, her eyes glaring at his own. He almost growled at her and pushed her backwards, and she stifled a gasp as her back forcefully hit the wall. He stood to his full height, towering over her, his grip iron tight on her wrists. His moved his head closer to hers, his face mere inches away from her own. When he spoke, his voice was low and full of intent.
"I would never, never, use you or your feelings against you. You know that. You think you were showing me something new during that conversation in Davis?" He scoffed, "I knew you loved me before you did. Saw it in your actions and your eyes every time you looked at me. And I said nothing. Did nothing. Never held it against you, never mentioned it. Because I knew you weren't aware of it. Knew you would view it as a weakness. I was protecting you."
He must have realised his error the moment he spoke the words, the panic crossing his face almost immediately. The fury reignited in her eyes and she managed to wrench her wrists free from where they were trapped between them. Lisbon placed her hands on his chest and shoved him, causing Jane to take a step back.
"I don't need protecting. Not by someone like you. I only need to be protected by people I can trust. And you wouldn't believe how far you are down that list at the moment Jane." She straightened her back and placed her hand on her hips. Jane mirrored the action facing her, his eyes dark and hooded. The tension in his shoulders was clear to see.
"How noble you must be to pretend not to know how I felt; to put such a burden upon yourself for the greater good. Is that why you said what you did after Vegas? To give poor little Lisbon a scrap bit of hope before everything went to shit? Because if that's the reason then you can just get out right now, because I have had enough of your arrogance and your bullshit and your pity to last a lifetime!"
"Of course that's not why I said it, you stupid woman." He moved quickly, grabbing her arms again and used the momentum coupled with her surprise at his speed to force her against the wall, pin her wrists above her head and crush his lips to hers.
A/N: Don't worry, it doesn't end there, gotta earn that M rating somehow ;) Second and final chapter should be up tomorrow for you all. Feedback is again most welcome!