Disclaimer: Plain and simple, I do not own them. I don't own Star Wars,neither.
A/N: Me and my strange friend came up with this story over the phone, and according to her, she "rules" Other than that, it is an extremely absurd but funny story. And slightly insulting. Slight bashing on almost every character. Teehee. Enjoy! If you want revenge, go after my friend who came up with most of it. Oh, Luke is from Star Wars just so you should know.
Luke, I am your...
The forest was filled with the sounds of two swords clashing. A crash was heard followed by some not so nice words and the voice of a concerned Kagome. "Inu-Yasha, are you okay?"
"Shut up wench, I can do this on my own."
"But Inu-Yasha..."
"Kirara, we have to help him."
"You two stay out of this! This is between me and Sesshomaru."
"Inu-Yasha, your friends are actually right, you can't do this on your own.I WILL kill you Inu-yasha."
Inu-yasha rudely told Sesshomaru to go do something that is physically impossible for one person. (A/N: A.K.A. "Go fuck yourself") Sesshomaru glares a very deadly glare. He charges towards Inu-Yasha, who manages to escape just in time. Sesshomaru says, "You are even lower than the scum beneath my very stylish shoes."
" Well your shoes suck."
"Well you have no shoes. Atleast I have shoes."
"Oh yeah, go kiss my ass!"
"No, your ass is filthy."
Inu-Yasha, angry that his butt was insulted, replied a particularly nasty comeback(A/N: cough cough), which infuriated Sesshomaru and caused him to angrily yell, "YO MAMA!" Inu-Yasha's blood boiled, he said through clenched teeth very slowly, "You...leave...my...mama...OUT OF THIS!" He charged at Sesshomaru with the Tetsuiaga yelling "Backlash Wave" Just before the attack can come out, Sesshomaru stopped Inu-Yasha's attack by saying, "HALT!" In a boot camp comanding voice. Inu-Yasha stopped, being the sucka that he is. "Inu-Yasha, before you kill me, I have something to tell you about our father." Inu-Yasha, being the sucka that he is, got slightly interested. "Make it fast."
Sesshomaru, in a dead serious voice said, "Inu-Yasha, there is no father...Luke, I am your faddah." (A/N: Faddah equals father and etc.)
Inu-Yasha, being the sucka that he is believed him. He was filled with shock...TO THE CORE! Then, out of nowhere, Kagome piped up, "Luke, I have a confession to make. Luke, I am your motha." Inu-yasha, being the sucka that he is believed her. He was shocked to the core...AND BEYOND! Taking the chance, out stepped a very serious looking Miroku who said, "I also have a confession to make, Luke I am your grandmotha." Sango comes forth, "Yes, it is true, Luke, I am your grandfaddah." Inu-Yasha stopped being a sucka for a second, "NO! That is not right! Impossible! I don't believe you!" Then, he became a sucka again and whispered, "Then, who is my brotha?" Out from the shadows stepped a tall guy cloaked in a baboon suit. Very dramatically, and slowly, the man took off his baboon pelt. He shook out his hair and stared at the gang. He said, in his ultra deep voice, "Luke, I am your brotha. And these are your twin sisters." Kagura and Kanna step out of the trees. "Hello, Luke. We are your twin sistas." They said in unison. But before Inu-Yasha could question whether Kanna looked like Kagura or if Kagura looked like Kanna, Rin popped up from out of nowhere. "Aaah, yes Rin." Sesshomaru said. "How can we forget her." Rin said in a rather mature and dramatic tone, "Luke, I am your nanny." Inu-Yasha was shocked to the core...AND MORE! He listened as his nanny told the stories of when Inu-Yasha was little. "I watched you as you grew from a little pup to a full grown dog. Yes those were the days. Oh and Jaken helped me." She pointedto a bush where a foot appeared. A hand appeared, and then the other hand and foot, and soon they were staring at a 2 feet tall toad. The toad sighed, and started stroking his imaginary beard. "Well, as long as everyone has confessed, I shall too...Luke, I am the toad that changed your diapers when you were little." Inu-Yasha couldn't believe his ears! This green toad that followed his brother/faddah was actually the guy who changed his diapers! But then, the truth hit him. "Motha, faddah," He looked at Kagome and Sesshomaru. "Are there anymore of us out there?" He asked with little boy innocence. "Yes, there are. Oh,much more." Sesshomaru swept his hand over the air and pointed to the horizon where a little tornado of dust spinned closer and closer to the group until the person was visible. Koga, for once, didn't insult Inu-Yasha or purpose to Kagome. Instead, he had a serious face that was so serious, it was deadly. "Luke, I...I am your aunt" Hakku and Ginta came panting behind Koga, and put on a never before seen expression of seriousness. "Yes Luke, for we are your cousins..." Inu-Yasha just stared with an open mouth. "Is that so? Do I have an uncle?" He asked with great curiousty. "Of course you have an uncle, a very beautiful uncle, too may I add." A female voice said from behind some trees. Ayami stepped out and walked to Inu-Yasha, "Luke, I am your uncle." Ayami said. She hugged Koga and patted Hakku and Ginta on the head. They make a lovely family, Inu-Yasha thought. "But we're missing some other people." Inu-Yasha said. At that moment, the ground started shaking and a giant hole appeared. Flames and smoke shot up from the hole, along with a certain man wrapped up as a mummy. He floated until he reached the solid floor, and fell backwards with a crash. Onigumo looked up at the group with a...well they couldn't see his expression. Then, the mummy person opened his parched lips to say in a very scratchy dry voice, "Luke, I am your ex. But I am now a lesbian mummy. If it wasn't for my sexuality, I could've still been dating you." A tear slid down the cracked bandages, shriveling the dried up cloth. Inu-Yasha, being the sucka that he is, felt sorry for Onigumo. Inu-yasha said to Onigumo, "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings Onigumo, but...I found out you were lesbian, and I don't date lesbians...I'm sorry Oni..." Inu-Yasha bent down to stroke Onigumo's forehead, but before he could reach Onigumo, the gang heard a hiss and flames being shot up from the hole. A girl with long black hair wearing a priestess outfit slowly floated up. They watched, entranced, for she looked like an angel. With her eyes closed, her smooth black hair..."DAMN!" The dead priestess yelled as she stared down. The hole had closed before she could go all the way out, and her foot was trapped inside. She kneeled down and knocked on the ground impatiently. "Sorry!" A voice said from below ground. The hole opened up again, and the priestess went back into her angel pose again, with her eyes closed, her smooth black hair trailing behind her back, her hands clasped together as if praying, she gently reached solid floor. The girl opened her eyes slowly and stared at Inu-Yasha with great sadness. Inu-yasha, being the sucka that he is, shouted at her, "KIKYO! DIE!" But before he could complete his task, a hand gripped his shoulder and stopped him. He turned around to meet Sesshomaru's gaze. "Faddah...why?" "You must learn to forgive the world son, as I have learned to forgive your mother for having sex with another man." Sesshomaru looked over to Kagome and smiled. "Listen, son." Inu-Yasha turned to face Kikyo and listend with great concentration. "Luke, it is time for you to know the truth. Luke, I am your husband." Kikyo said as she stared into Inu-yasha's golden gaze."How...how can that be?" Then Inu-Yasha continued to be a sucka and said, "Kikyo, did we..did we..do we have.." But before he could finish his sentence, he heard someone shouting, "Wait for me! Wait!" And old lady with an eyepatch over one eye came bouncing towards the "family" The "family" looked at the old lady as she ran towards them. They ordered, and ate, their Happy Meals, Chicken Selects, a couple of burgers, lots of fries, and gallons of soda and continued watching her run. They played three games of chess, two of tag, and a very intense game of truth or dare. They took showers, changed into pajamas, and crawled in their sleeping bags with the words, "Wait for me. Wait!" Shouting in their ears. They woke up to the birds chirping, the sun shining, and an old lady running. "Wait, I...have...something to tell you...Luke." Kaede reached the group and talked in between panting. She drank some water Sango offered her and sat down. She stared at Inu-Yasha with a glint in her eyes. "Luke, I am your son. Luke, faddah Luke, I have missed you so much." Inu-yasha stared at the old lady. THIS women was his...his SON! "I used to go by the tree you were pinned to and feed you water and sushi. You probaly thought you missed a lot of important dates in my life, but in fact you didn't. Faddah you were with me everywhere I went. (A/N:Literallly) You were my date for my high school prom. You escorted me down the asile when I was about to become the priest of the town. You even helped me find the perfect dress to motha's funeral. Faddah Luke, you were always there for me." People sniffled in the background and everyone wiped away their tears. But Naraku didn't give a damn. He was the rebel in the family, after all. But this moment of touched hearts was instantly shattered as Kaede spoke again, "Faddah Luke, you were even brave enough to tell me about the birds and the bees and the cycles of life. You were even helpful enough to give me a tip when I was going through the puberty of a man. You taught me to hold on in grace and cherish my manhood. Now, even old and as wrinkled as a prune, I shall always remember your wise words and tips when it comes to women." Everyone stood in total shock. But then, Kagome's grandpa popped out of nowhere and went up to Inu-Yasha. He put one of his hands on Inu-yasha's shoulder and said, "Luke, I am your kinky sex slave." NOW everyone was shocked. Being the sucka that he is, Inu-Yasha fainted. Naraku clapped his hands, flounced over, and flings Inu-yasha into a bush or over a cliff or somethng of the sorts. Naraku says, " Ok, let's all go out and get some Starbucks coffee." Everybody hooted and shouted in agreement. Just before Inu-Yasha fell down the cliff, Sesshomaru grabbed his Master Card. "It's on me peeps!" Everybody hooted and shouted again in agreement. Everybody linked arms and skipped away on the golden brick path. "What a sucka!" They all said. Inu-Yasha, being the sucka that he is, lived for a few more seconds. "I'm gonna need a better family plan. And who the hell named me Luke?" (A/N:Must come with being a sucka) Inu-Yasha died peacefully now that he knows his "true" cough cough family history. But he doesn't need to know the whole truth, now does he? And now kids! What have we learned today? The moral of this story is: Don't be a sucka. And of course, Never to cry, "Wolf"!
The End!