Ford swatted at the air above his head angrily, "Go away!"
He was not in a particularly good mood. Trapped in another fanfiction, set in the middle of nowhere, with that thing, was not his idea of a splendid time. The woods around him were dark, and the moon cast horrible shadows over everything.
He wished the author would start writing and get it all over with.
Ford was a fan of fanfiction, particularly fanfiction involving him. He felt honored that aspiring authors would find him interesting enough to feature him in their latest inspiration. It was the whole writing process that annoyed him, especially when the author was not all that good at their job. Honestly, 'horrible shadows'? This was going to be a long night.
"Why?" the Guide Mk. 2 buzzed around above Ford's head, brushing against his hair and avoiding his hands with ease.
"The author of this thing is less likely to get one of their frightening ideas if we don't talk. What some of them do..." he shuddered.
If the Guide Mk. 2 had eyes, they would have widened.
"Besides," Ford continued, "I don't like you."
The guide gasped, "Why not? What did I ever do to you?"
"Got me killed? Destroyed my job? Ruined my shoes? Forced me to jump out of a window? Twice? Frankly, I'm thinking of blaming you for everything."
"I was just doing my job," the guide huffed and fluttered over to the nearest branch, "Besides! I made your life considerably better! Until the end of it, I mean."
"Linear time is just another toy to you, isn't it?"
"Yes," a simple answer for a simple question, rhetorical though it may be.
"I bet I could think up anything at random, and you'd be responsible for it."
"I could be. If you wanted me to."
Ford thought long about this. Finally, he decided making sure the bird meant what he thought it did was the safest route, "What?"
"Don't play coy. You know I can alter time to my whim. Anything you want and it's already happened."
"There's the proud demon we know and hate bitterly." Ford sat down, cupping his chin in his hand.
"Well?"
"Well... there is this guy..."
"Say no more. I already know what you're going to ask."
"And?"
The guide would have grinned, had it a proper face. "Already done."