Unlike Ging, Gon isn't an intellectual genius; in fact he's far from it. His thought process could only be described and simple and honest. In the end his innocent assumptions that Killua would open up to him without a nudge—some type of catalyst—only led to their separation.
It's only been two months since their departure. And he's already come to the conclusion: Life without Killua sucks.
On lonely nights like these Gon would find himself lying in bed thinking about him. The mountain of happy moments they shared together, the variety of expressions that only Gon was allowed to see, the eyes he adored. Oh those eyes, those precious diamonds Gon adored so, so much.
But then came the regrets. The decision to let go. The lack of observation on his part. The sheer stupidity of believing that patience would fix their problems. All of the little events that somehow transpired into Killua leaving him.
Killua didn't snap like Gon expected him to. Killua never mentioned his sacrifices for Gon, or sought some form of praise. Killua never said a word.
Gon once thought that if he waited long enough, Killua would tell him. Tell him how he wronged him. Tell him that he would have to promise to never be so reckless again, if he wanted Killua to stay.
But he couldn't have been more wrong.
Instead of the expected scolding, Killua left without as much as a word, only flashing the happiest of departing grins. The smile seemed so genuine that even Gon would've been fooled if it weren't for the fact that Killua's eyes were filled with such intense anguish and despair.
Those exact same eyes that would glance away when embarrassed, or narrow into a glare and accentuate feline-like features whenever Killua felt angry or playful. Those damn eyes that captivated, no... tamed Gon. It was the first time Gon saw those beautiful, beautiful eyes look so sad. It was the first time Killua let Gon see those eyes look sad.
If you were to ask Gon what Killua's eyes looked like you would be left without an answer. Gon couldn't even describe the color of Killua's eyes. His vocabulary just couldn't do justice to those eyes. They weren't just blue. They were so unique… so... Killua.
Since birth, Gon never cared much for aesthetics. Sure the sky and ocean were pretty, but nothing more. If anything, the most beautiful of blues reminded him of Killua, not the other way around. Killua was the prettiest of colors. The best variation of white, the perfect shade of blue, Killua was the best. He took great pride in being able to call the nonchalant ex-assassin his best friend.
Upon seeing the look of desperation—or was it disappointment? he still couldn't tell—in those beloved eyes Gon felt his heart shatter. He had to stop himself from mouthing the word ouch. At that moment, the optimistic boy believed that there was no point of return. That Killua had given up on him. And any possibility of forgiveness had vanished, the little, adventurous hunter went too far, acted on too many selfish impulses. Too many rash actions were made whilst ignoring the repercussions and the consequences piled up to heights he never could have foreseen in his wildest nightmares.
Not until Gon went home after his re-union with Ging, did the loneliness catch up with him. After being used to sleeping with someone by his side, the empty portion of the bed felt enormously intimidating. Scary.
Thinking back on those events, Gon thought of another possibility. It was him who left Killua, right? At that time he thought Killua would follow him like a cute, lost puppy. Not because Killua was desperate or anything, but because Killua needed him just as much as he needed Killua.
Maybe Killua wanted Gon to grab his hand, to say "wait". To show he cared.
Only days too late did Gon realize that he never fully understood his best friend.
As a child, Gon made acquaintances with a variety of animals ranging from dogs, to deer, to bears. Naturally, the animals loved him and he loved their company. After all, a good hunter got along well with animals.
There was an exception though, and that was the white Bengal tiger. She never sought out Gon's attention, but sometimes Gon would playfully chase her, and on rare occasions she would let him pet her.
In order for Gon to get anywhere within a 10 foot radius of the tiger, it required his maximum physical capability and of course undivided determination. Even then, it was up to the tiger whether or not she would entertain the boy.
It may be that the tiger let Gon pet her because she acknowledged his determination. Or maybe she just felt like being spoiled. Either way, it wouldn't have happened if Gon weren't such an insistently cute brat.
"Killua is my friend. I'm taking him with me".
Whatever happened to the boy who chased after his desires relentlessly? "Since when did I become so passive" Gon mumbled into his pillow. If he wanted Killua back, all he had to do was chase him.
They did too much together for Gon to let him slip away. They'd given each other too many firsts, be it in the form of a first best friend, a first kiss, a first love.
Ignoring the fact the kiss was an accident caused by Gon stumbling and his lips coincidentally connecting with Killua's, it still counted as a first!
Picking up his phone, he smirked at the background containing a picture of Killua eating ice-cream. Scratch-that. A picture of Killua with ice-cream smashed all over his face after a food fight. Gon let out a small giggle, thinking that if Killua knew he'd definitely kill him.
Scrolling down his list of contacts, he found his selection confidently pressing the flickering, green call button.
"GON ITS 2 AM WHAT DO YOU WANT?" A whiny female voice roared.
"Ehh?! I didn't even realize it was that late! Are you busy Bisky?" he pleaded, unaffected from the yelling.
He heard a loud sigh make its way through the speaker, "A woman needs her beauty sleep you know, this better be important."
"Do you think Killua's okay?"
"...without you?" Bisky retorted
"Mhm!" Gon cheekily sounded
She paused and then retorted,"Gon, he's not as fragile as you think he is, go ask him yourself", and with that last message Bisky hung up the phone. She cared, but she wouldn't spell anything out for the boys unless it was absolutely necessary. They were both smart, kind-hearted boys and as much as she disliked it she had to let them grow and find their way themselves.
Fragile? Of course Killua was fragile… those eyes screamed frailty. Killua even looked super soft and pretty!
Then again…Killua's family did physically torture him in the most brutal of ways, yet Killua didn't seem to hold any grudges. As much as the idea of Killua being hurt without reason unnerved Gon. Killua may have exhibited distaste against his mother's annoying antics and unconventional displays of love, but that still wasn't enough for Killua to actually make it a goal to eradicate his family.
Gon smacked a palm to his forehead, for forgetting how strong Killua actually was is. Not just physically, but mentally. Killua wasn't this weak, helpless child Gon kept imagining after their departure. As much as Gon hates to admit it, Killua is relatively independent.
His snow haired boy is snarky, passive aggressive, and so very playful. He loves the way his best friend's voice can effortlessly transition from a soft babying innocence, to a full-blooded killer assassin. The love-hate relationship, and childish games they played together. That's the Killua Gon fell in-love with. That's the only Killua that exists.
Just because Killua has doubts, and fears doesn't mean he was weak. It's probably the only normal thing about him actually. Not to imply the notion normal is good. Gon long ago not only accepted, but embraced the fact that he and Killua were far from normal. Strong people aren't normal.
Gon came to the conclusion that his best friend's emotional vulnerabilities only applied to people he deeply cared about. This self-destructive nature derived from the need to protect his important people. Gon & Alluka were his weakness.
The downfall of Killua came only after Gon began power hungry and revenge ridden. After Gon pointlessly began to sacrifice his limbs, and then his life. If he were more mature at that time, he would've realized that Kite disapproved of Gon's vengeance. Kite would've never wanted to see Gon drown in his own anger.
The baby faced hunter isn't as naïve anymore. After two months of contemplation he understands, or at least partially understands. He's not a burden to Killua, it's quite the opposite.
He concludes that Killua handles emotional distress exceptionally well in comparison to himself. While Gon's feelings are pure and honest, he acknowledges his incapability to control his emotions—specifically his rage. Killua is the only one who is able to appease Gon's emotional escapades.
Even though he is Killua's weakness, if Killua reciprocates half the feelings Gon bears towards him, then he knows that Killua needs him.
Not to survive, not to be happy, but to be living life with maximum potential. There is no greater freedom than when they're together. Only the ex-assassin can simultaneously stimulate and control Gon's adventurous side. Only Killua, no one else will do.
This feeling extends far beyond love, the word adoration only surfaces his passion towards Killua.
He missed Killua's gentle warnings, physical proximity, witty remarks, devilish smirks, and endless curiosity. Oh how those eyes would light up when they saw something new, something unexplored.
Killua shared chocolate with him once. Gon still doesn't understand why such an irrelevant event makes him feel so damn special. He doesn't really care though, he's tired of thinking. He'll let Killua do the thinking again.
Except this time, he'll make sure Killua voices his thoughts. This time, he'll encourage Killua to be more vocal, more honest, and just a little more selfish.
The little hunter picks up his phone, about to dial Killua's number and bombard him with apologies, but he stops himself.
An apology over the phone would be as pathetic as his apology before their departure. Instead he opts for an email.
Killua. I'm coming! – Love, Gon
Flashing a toothy grin at his phone, he imagines Killua groaning once he hears the notification at 4 am.
Leaving a note to Mito-san written: "Going back to Killua~! We'll visit soon I promise!, he picks up his fishing rod, and bag. Once again, leaving his home with another goal. However, this time, he's even more determined and excited.
He already had a taste of Killua, and he wanted everything Killua had to offer. Every. Single. Thing.
Whale Island suddenly lost its sense of home. Anywhere without Killua felt foreign, but with every step Gon took—every step closer to Killua—he felt more at ease.
That same night, Killua's assassin instincts immediately woke him up after hearing his phone vibrate.
"Oh, I was just playing with your phone onii-chan" Alluka apologized.
"Mm…" he groaned, suffocating himself with his pillow, falling back asleep.
She predicted Gon's return. Seeing her brother and him interact it was evident that their attraction to each other was magnetic. They were polar opposites with hearts too big for their bodies. They complimented each other in the best of ways.
The sweet girl didn't loathe or envy Gon, for taking Killua away from her. Rather, she appreciated Gon because he made Killua happy. Not that she didn't make Killua happy, but she had her limits.
She didn't have the strength to protect herself, so Killua couldn't be as adventurous or as free as she would've preferred. Though the two certainly enjoyed traveling the world together, Alluka had plans of her own. She made numerous friends along the way, and found a boy that peeked her interest. On her adventure, she realized that even she too had dreams and desires.
Knowing Gon would protect Killua set her at ease. Her brother wouldn't be alone anymore, the idea brought her so much happiness.
We're currently at an Inn near Heaven's Arena! Can't wait to see you! – Alluka
The girl sleepily grinned and sent the email, closing Killua's phone and heading back to sleep.