A/N: This story begins during that infamous ferry ride conversation. I have never started a story in the middle of something, but this story literally would not leave me alone. It begged to come out, so finally I gave in and let it.
The Pivotal Moment
"Not yet," you say, so that she will know you just need more time.
You see the slightest smile cross her face, and then she says, "You're just this way with me aren't you?"
You nod your head and say, "Yeah," and you think that she understands. But her look starts to change, so to emphasize the point you add, "Only with you."
You watch as she averts her eyes from your gaze and takes a calming breathe. And it is in that second that you realize she is trying to compose herself.
"I suppose I should feel flattered," she says, but her expression makes it obvious to you that she doesn't.
"You should, Sarah," you say, using her given name to accentuate your meaning.
It is too late, though, and you see it in her eyes. Just as clear as you see the reflection of the lights shimmering in her brown irises, you see the mason laying the foundation for the walls that are going up. And it is only as you watch these walls go up that you understand just how far she had let them down mere moments ago.
She put her heart out on a limb for you, and you broke the limb, inadvertently, but you broke it still the same.
"Where ya gonna take me to dinner?" she says, adding another layer of brick and mortar to the wall.
And you know, that if you let that mortar dry, you may never have another opportunity to get behind those walls. And as much as it terrifies you to open up, it terrifies you more to know that she may seal that part of herself off from you entirely.
"Mac," you say, and she looks at you questioningly. "That didn't come out right, can we try it again?" And for the briefest second, you see fear flash across her face. The look breaks your heart, because you know that the only thing she can be afraid of right now is letting you near her heart. And nothing will ever make you feel as sick as knowing that that thought scares her. Of course, you know you have given her reasons to be afraid of opening up to you, and that realization breaks your heart again.
You take a deep breathe, trying to compose yourself now, and look up, saying, "Ya know, they wrote eternity on this bridge, in lights, on New Year's Eve?"
When you look down and catch her gaze, you can see that another layer of bricks has been laid, turning the fear you saw seconds ago into only mild apprehension. Her defenses are on.
You nod at her, encouraging her to repeat her previous statement. The doubt in her eyes would be noticeable from the bay. Yet she cautiously ventures ahead, asking, "Is that how long we're gonna wait?"
She looks away from you now, and you can tell that she is uncertain if she wants to see or hear how you will respond this time.
"No," you say, and you gently put your hand under her chin to guide her attention back to you. Looking into her eyes, you notice that the mason has froze, brick in his hand, he is just unsure what to do with it.
"But once the wait is over, that is how long I want us to last," you add. You have never meant anything as much as you mean that, she is all you picture when you picture your future. The problem is, as peculiar as it may sound coming from a man your age, you are just now letting go of all of your youthful dreams. And you will not let yourself start a future with her until you have been able to pack away all of your past and put it neatly on a shelf.
"Harm," she gasps.
Nerves start to overtake you and the words just pour out, "Mac, it has been a long year for me. I need some time to let go of some of my dreams, time to screw my head back on straight, before I can commit myself to anything else." As you stress the word commit, you reach your hand out, rubbing your knuckles down her cheek.
You watch as a few layers of brick start to crumble off the wall. Then, she closes her eyes and leans into your hand, and it is your undoing. You know that you have to hold this woman in your arms. Instantly, you drop your hand from her cheek, wrap it around the back of her neck and forcibly pull her into you.
It only takes seconds for her to surrender. As her body melds into yours, you feel a few more layers of the wall fall off her shoulders.
"I just need a little time," you whisper. Then, you close your eyes and take in the power of this moment. For the first time, you have both opened your arms and your hearts to each other.
The blissful moment comes to an end though, as you feel her start to tense and pull away.
You look into her eyes and you get a glimpse of her soul. For the first time, you look at her and see the abandonment of her mother and harsh words of her father. You do everything in your power to not smile, you know that it would not be appropriate right now, but you can barely contain the joy you feel knowing that right now she is letting you see a part of her that she usually keeps hidden.
"Harm," she says, then looks down at her hands. You give her time, to gather her thoughts, to compose herself. When she looks up, you are more than a little surprised to see that the Marine in her has not taken over; that you are still staring into the eyes of an insecure, shy child.
You realize for the millionth time in your relationship, that she is the bravest person you have ever met. Because right now, she is doing what terrified her only minutes ago, she is letting you near her heart. This time, though, you vow not to screw it up.
"What if, while your are screwing your head back on, you realize that I am not what you want?" she asks, in a voice so meek that you almost think it wasn't hers. It is her voice though, a voice you know that she tries very hard to keep locked away, and you feel honored by the opportunity to hear it.
"Sarah," you say, taking her hand in yours, "that is not going to happen. I meant it when I said 'only with you'."
She smiles at you, a smile like a schoolgirl at her first crush. Hers eyes twinkle in a way that you are sure you have never seen. You know that she is seeing the same schoolboy grin on your face. And you know that she has never seen it before, because you are certain no one has even been able to make your smile quite this big.
"So," you say, squeezing her hand, "are you still up for dinner?"
She looks around, and you can tell that she has just become aware of the fact that the ferry has docked.
"Yeah," she says trying to pull her hand from yours. But you refuse to let go. You may not be ready for a commitment yet, but your not ready to let this closeness go either.
She looks down at your hands, then back up at you and smiles, the most loving smile you have ever seen spread across her face. You stare at her, absorbing the moment, trying to etch it into your memory. But all too soon, she turns her head and tugs at your hand.
And seconds later, you step off the ferry, hand in hand, and you know, that years from now, you will look back at this moment as the most pivotal moment of your life.
The End (or the new beginning…)