Okay so my idea for this came from watching the Lifetime movie FIVE. Warning it will be sad...but its centered around the friendship between Olivia and Elliot. Takes place after the season 12 finale...and how Elliot leaving has changed both Olivia and Elliot. And with life changing news for Olivia...how will she take care of herself when the one person she needs needs help too? Will they be able to save each other?
Olivia sat in the doctors office trying her best to actually listen to what her doctor was saying. She had started to zone out as soon as she uttered the words Stage three breast cancer. The last few months of her life had been a blur, she couldn't remember much of it. Ever since Cragen had told her that Elliot wasn't coming back…nothing else made sense anymore.
And now here she was being told she could die very soon, and she was all alone. "Ms. Benson?"
Olivia shook her head and looked at Dr. Cooper. "I'm sorry…I…I just…"
Dr. Cooper smiled. "Olivia I know that this is hard to take in…but you should know that this isn't a death sentence. There are options…"
Olivia nodded. "Right. I know…"
Dr. Cooper paused for a moment. "Is there anyone I can call for you? You probably shouldn't be alone right now…"
Olivia shook her head; the only person she wanted hadn't spoken to her in months. "No. No there's no one to call…"
"No family? No friends?" Dr. Cooper asked skeptically.
"I don't want to burden them." Olivia said licking her lips. "It's not…I've taken care of myself for a long time. I can handle this…"
"But it would be easier if you had support…" Dr. Cooper said. "I see this happen to people everyday…and I have to be honest with you, the ones that have support always tend to fare better than those who don't."
Olivia felt her eyes begin to water. "What's the next step? Surgery? Radiation? What?"
Dr. Cooper sighed. "Well we would like to perform a lumpectomy. And then after that we would start radiation…if you are up too it."
Olivia nodded. "I'm up for it."
"Good. Well we could schedule you for surgery on Friday at ten in the morning, the sooner we do it the better." Dr. Cooper said looking through some files.
"Friday. Three days…uh yeah. I'll have to talk to my boss and-" Olivia said scratching her head.
Dr. Cooper looked up at her again. "Olivia I know that you are a Detective with the Special Victims Unit…I know your job is important to you. But I have to tell you that I can only do so much. If you don't take some time for yourself…to really take to the treatments then things won't go as well for you. You're going to need to take time off work…until further notice."
Olivia stared at her for a moment, the thought of not working was strange for her. "I…I don't' know if I can do that…"
Dr. Cooper stood up and walked around her desk, she sat down on the corner of it. "Olivia…I know this is scary. And I'm going to do everything I can to help you through this…but I can't do it alone."
Olivia's stared at her for a moment. "Be honest with me…do you think I'm going to die?"
Dr. Cooper shook her head. "You know I can't tell you for sure…"
Olivia nodded and looked down at her hands that were folded in her lap, they were shaking slightly. "There are so many things I wanted to do before I died…so many things I need to say to people."
"You still have time." Dr. Cooper said. "It's like I said…this isn't a death sentence. For some people it's just the beginning of a new life…"
Olivia looked back up at her. "Yeah maybe…"
"It won't be easy…but you seem like a very strong woman. You'd have to be to do what you do everyday…I know you can beat this if you really try." She said.
Olivia licked her lips. "Alright…"
"I know I can't tell you what to do…but I really wish you would call someone. You shouldn't be doing this alone…" She said worriedly.
Olivia stood up. "So I guess I'll see you Friday then? Anything I should do to prepare for it?"
"Just take a few days to yourself…" Dr. Cooper said. "Try not to worry to much…try and relax."
Olivia picked up her bag and walked towards the door. "Relax. Right…"
"If you have anymore concerns or questions please don't hesitate to call." She said.
Olivia smiled one last time and then walked out of the office. She walked out onto the streets of New York, it was October and the air was cool. Not to cold yet for snow but she could feel it would only be a matter of time.
It was a strange thing, after hearing that there was a possibility of death soon her senses seemed heightened in some way. Every sound was louder, every color was brighter. Every child that passed her reminded her of the life she could have had if she hadn't been married to her job for so long.
She felt so insignificant in this sea of people, and for the first time in her life she felt completely alone. She did the only thing she could think to do, she hailed a cab and went to the one house she had been avoiding for months.
Walking up to the front door, she lifted her hand and knocked waiting for someone to answer. She saw the blond hair through the glass and knew it was Kathy.
She smiled softly. "Hey Kathy…sorry to just show up like this."
Kathy smiled at her. "It's okay…how are you?"
Olivia couldn't help but laugh, but she wasn't ready to talk about it, not yet. "I'm good. I'm fine…is uh…is Elliot here?"
Kathy stared at her for a moment. "He didn't call you?"
Olivia's heart started to beat a little faster. "No…I haven't talked to him since…" She paused. "Where is he?"
"He moved out after the shooting. Our divorced will be finalized next week…he's living with Bernie." Kathy said.
Olivia opened her mouth to say something, then shut it again. "I…didn't realize…" She looked down. "I'm so sorry."
Kathy sighed. "You know I love Elliot…but I think that this has been a long time coming. The shooting at the precinct was the final push for him though…I only wish I could help him. He's so lost…"
Olivia looked back up at her, tears in her eyes. "How are the kids?"
Kathy shrugged. "They are just as worried as I am…but there giving him his space. I talk to Bernie every couple of days…she says he's kind of just taking things day by day."
Olivia nodded. "It's all you can do sometimes…"
Kathy stared at her for a moment. "I kind of just assumed he would have called you…you understand him so much more than I do."
Olivia shook her head. "No. I tried calling the first couple of weeks…and then I just gave up. I figured he would call if he needed me…"
Kathy nodded. "Well we both know how stubborn he can be."
Olivia smiled. "Yeah. I guess we do."
Kathy looked Olivia up and down, she seemed different. "How are you? I can't imagine the shooting was easy for you either…"
Olivia swallowed hard. "It hasn't been easy…but I'm just pushing through ya know? I don't really have many other options."
"There's something else…" Kathy whispered. "Something else is going on with you."
Olivia felt her heart begin to beat fast again, could she tell she had cancer? Was it something that people would be able to sense? Could you smell death on her? Olivia pulled her sweater around her tighter as if she could trap death inside her body…
"Just…stressed." Olivia said trying to smile. "I just…I wanted to see Elliot. See if he was okay…we never really talked about what happened."
Kathy clearly didn't believe Olivia, but she knew better than to push her. "Well you can find him at Bernie's…you can try to call or go see him. I can't promise you he will be nice…"
Olivia smirked. "No one ever could promise that…"
Kathy chuckled. "I guess you're right." She paused. "But then again maybe you're exactly the person he needs to see…you would understand what he was going through."
Olivia nodded. "Yeah maybe…"
"Well if you see him…let me know how he is okay? I know Bernie…she might be covering for him. You say it like it is…and despite everything I don't want Elliot to be sad. I don't like to think of him hurting…" Kathy whispered.
Olivia smiled. "I'll let you know what happens if I see him…"
Kathy nodded. "Good. Thanks Olivia. You…take care of yourself okay?"
Olivia stared at her for a moment, almost ready to blurt the words out but she knew she couldn't. "Yeah. I will. You too Kathy…and tell the kids I said hi and that I miss them."
"They miss you too…stop by sometime again soon." Kathy said smiling before walking in the house.
Olivia sighed and walked back to her car. She pulled out of the driveway and drove about a mile from the house…she pulled off the side of the road and felt the lump in her throat building. She hadn't cried in months…she had been holding it all in for so long it was like an explosion once it started.
She was crying for all the victims, for the girl that Elliot had killed. She cried for Cragen, Fin, Munch and all her friends. She cried for Elliot's children and Kathy and the pain they were feeling. She cried for Elliot who was in a place she didn't think she could pull him out of. And she cried for herself…suddenly thinking that she had wasted so much time. For so many years she felt that the clock was too slow…she was just dragging along. And now the clock was ticking away fast…and she couldn't keep up didn't know what was going to happen.
But if she left this earth…would anyone notice? Would anyone miss her? Sure she had friends…but did they need her? There were so many things she had wanted to say to them all, especially Elliot and now she didn't know if she could.
But there were a few questions she needed answered that she couldn't ignore. She wasn't afraid of many things…but suddenly the idea of death terrified her. She had been okay for so long with not believing in God…not having religion but now she felt she needed it. What happened after you died? She needed to know…just in case.
She sniffled and picked up her cell phone and dialed Cragen's number. "Hey Olivia. Where are you? We just caught a case and I need you down here, it's a mad house."
"Cap remember when you asked if I needed some time off…" She said, her voice shaking as she spoke.
Cragen waited a moment. "Yeah I do…"
"This probably isn't the best time…but I need that time now. I really need it…" She whispered.
Cragen sighed. "I understand Olivia. Take all the time you need…just keep in touch okay? I want to know that you're okay. And if you need anything…let me know."
Olivia wiped her tears away. "Yeah I will. Thanks Cap…"
She hung up the phone and went back to her apartment. Her brain was on overdrive as she packed a quick bag. Before she knew it she was back in the car and driving towards Elliot's mothers house. She had only been there once but it was like something was leading here there, she had no problems finding it. She pulled into the driveway, she checked her mirror to make sure there was no sign of tears.
She took a deep breath and braced herself, she was about to see Elliot again and she wasn't sure what she was going to find. She knew he wouldn't be the same person she remembered…he couldn't possibly be that same Elliot.
She didn't even know if she was here to save him, or to save herself. All she knew was that she needed him, and maybe in some way he needed her too. Maybe just maybe…they could save each other.
She walked up to the front door and knocked gently before waiting for someone to answer it.
She smiled when Bernie opened the door. "Hello Mrs. Stabler…"
Bernie smiled at her. "Olivia…I was wondering if you were going to come."
Olivia smiled sheepishly. "I didn't know he was here until a few hours ago…I should have come sooner."
Bernie shrugged. "You have your own life…"
"How is he?" Olivia asked nervously. "I tried calling him for the first few weeks…but when he didn't answer I kind of just assumed he didn't want to see or talk to me."
Bernie sighed. "You know my son just as well as I do…maybe even better. He's stubborn. He keeps saying he's fine but I know that inside he's broken…he blames himself for what happened at the precinct."
"He saved a lot of lives that day…" Olivia whispered.
Bernie nodded. "Yes. But he still took a young girls life…and that is something he can't seem to get past."
Olivia nodded. "Is he here?"
"He actually just went out for a run down by the beach…do you want to come in and wait for him to get back?" Bernie asked stepping back further into the house.
Olivia smiled. "Please."
Bernie smiled as Olivia entered the house, she shut the door behind her. "I just made some tea…would you like a cup?"
Olivia smiled. "That would be wonderful. Thank you."
Bernie led her towards the kitchen were Olivia sat down at the counter, she watched as Bernie reached for a second cup. "So…are you still working?"
Olivia nodded. "Yeah. I couldn't leave…no where else to go really."
Bernie put the cup in front of her. "Must be hard…"
Olivia picked up the cup. "Thank you." She took a sip before putting it down. "I've been doing this for so long…I think part of me is just immune to the sadness sometimes. But I won't pretend that this time around isn't different…"
"Did you get a new partner?" Bernie asked sitting across from Olivia.
"Yes. I did. His name is Nick Amaro…" Olivia said taking another sip of her tea.
"How's that going?" Bernie said raising an eyebrow at her ash she added more sugar to her tea.
Olivia sighed. "He's a good Detective…he's young. We but heads but…it works I guess."
"It's not what you and Elliot had though." Bernie said shaking her head.
Olivia smiled. "No…no it's not. I don't' think I'll ever have a partner like Elliot again…he is one of a kind."
Bernie chuckled. "You can say that again."
Olivia stared at her for a moment. "You can be honest with me you know…I'm a big girl. How is he doing…I mean really doing?"
Bernie sighed, her shoulders slumped. "I've seen my son through a lot of bad times in his life…but I've never seen him like this. He's so closed off…more so than he ever has been before. He barely speaks…he just exists, he's not living."
Olivia's heart broke at his words. "I wish he would have reached out to me…"
Bernie shook her head. "You know he's to proud to ask for help. I was shocked enough as it is when he showed up here and asked to stay with me…you know as well as anyone else we don't' have the best relationship."
"Despite everything he loves you…" Olivia said shrugging. "You're his Mom…"
Bernie smiled as a tear escaped the corner of her eye. "Yes. I am…" She cleared her throat. "I thought about calling you a few times…but I didn't want to pry."
"You could have." Olivia said smiling. "I'd do anything for Elliot…he's my best friend."
Bernie smiled and reached over to squeeze her hands. "He's more than just your best friend Olivia…"
Olivia stared at her for a moment; her heart was beating quickly again. "What do you mean?"
Bernie opened her mouth to respond when the women heard the front door open, Olivia suddenly felt light headed. "Ma? You here? Whose car is in the driveway?" A breathless Elliot said as he walked towards the kitchen.
"He's not the same man you remember Olivia…" Bernie whispered.
"I'm not the same either Bernie…" Olivia whispered back.
Bernie smiled sympathetically. "He's in there somewhere…just don't give up right away okay?" She stood up and walked around Olivia. "In the kitchen Elliot."
Elliot walked down the hall and into the kitchen. "Whose car is in the driveway?" He asked.
Bernie moved so that he could see Olivia. "You have a visitor dear…"
The lump was back in Olivia's throat, he looked the same, maybe older somewhat but just as beautiful as she remembered. "Hey El…"
Elliot stood in the kitchen entryway, he couldn't move. He had been trying to hard to forget about this woman since he left his job…and now here she was in his only sanctuary, his only safe place.
"Liv…" He whispered. "What are you doing here?"
Olivia looked at Bernie who just smiled. "You know I promised Mrs. Butler I'd help her redecorate…I think I'll go see if she has some time now."
She left the room making it the first time that Elliot and Olivia had been alone in a very long time. The space between them was only a few feet but it felt like miles, Olivia felt like she was going to be sick. There was so much she wanted and needed to say…but she couldn't seem to find the right words.
"I uh…I went to your house…Kathy told me you were here." Olivia whispered softly.
"Why did you do that?" Elliot asked. "You shouldn't have bothered Kathy or my kids…and you shouldn't have bothered my Mom."
Olivia had expected some hostility from him, but it didn't make it hurt any less. "I was worried about you…we've all been worried. You wouldn't answer my calls so I thought-"
"You know for such a good detective you can't take simple cues can you? Me not answering my phone meant I didn't want to talk to you…" Elliot said glaring at her.
Olivia swallowed hard, she was beginning to lose her nerve. "Elliot I know you're upset…I know what happened was really bad but-"
"You should go." Elliot said shaking his head. "I'm not coming back if that's what you came here for. I'm done with that life…I'm moving on now."
Olivia stood up slowly. "This isn't moving on Elliot…this is you hiding from your fears. You can't do this to yourself…you can't blame yourself for what happened. It wasn't your fault…"
Elliot tensed as she got closer to him. "There you go again trying to act like my shrink…I didn't ask for your help Olivia. I don't need it…"
Olivia stared at him for a moment. "Maybe you don't need me…but I need you Elliot. And I don't care if that is selfish of me…I just…I need you okay? You weren't the only one that was affected by that day. Did you really think that when you walked away it wouldn't affect all of us? Nothing's the same anymore…and maybe it won't ever be the same but you're a real jackass to do what you did. After twelve years you didn't even say goodbye…"
"You did that before." Elliot said shrugging. "Just taking a note out of your book."
Olivia glared at him. "Low blow Elliot…"
"But you can't deny it…you did the same thing." Elliot said crossing his arms.
"Yeah okay I walked away…but I didn't fall off the face of the earth. You knew where I was. I didn't know where you were…I didn't know if you were okay!" Olivia yelled.
"Why do you care?" Elliot asked. "People get new partners all the time…what's the big deal?"
Olivia stared at him, shaking her head in disbelief. "Because you are my best friend. You are the only person I have in my life that I really trust…and you broke my heart when you walked away. Did you know that Cragen made me clear out your desk? Every picture…every piece of paper was like a dagger to my heart as I put it in the boxes. How could you do that to me after all this time?"
Elliot stared at her. "So sorry for not thinking about your feelings for once…"
Olivia looked down; the tears were threatening to spill over again. "Elliot…you're not the only one hurting right now."
Elliot leaned against the door frame. "What do you want from me Liv?"
She looked back up at him. "I want my best friend back…"
Elliot stared at her for a moment before shaking his head. "I don't think he exists anymore Olivia…"
"How do you know if you haven't looked for him?" Olivia asked. "I'm looking at you right now…and yeah I'll admit your different but I believe that my Elliot is still in there somewhere…" She paused and walked closer to him. "What can I do to help you find him again?"
Elliot's voice cracked as he tried to talk to her. "I don't know Liv…for the first time in my life I literally have no answers."
"Yeah well when we became partners it meant we looked out for each other right?" Olivia asked, he nodded slowly. "Well I'm not letting you without a fight Stabler…you're not alone."
Elliot stepped closer to her and pulled her in for a hug. "I'm sorry." He said as he held her tightly to him. "I'm so sorry Liv…"
Olivia wrapped her arms around his neck and held him close. "Everything is going to be okay Elliot…everything's going to be okay…" She wasn't sure if she was saying it more for him or for herself.
Elliot pulled back, she could see the tears in his eyes something she had rarely seen. "I really need to believe that…I'm starting to now that you are here though."
She felt guilty not telling him about her cancer, she didn't want to fix him only to break his heart again. But she knew she wasn't ready, maybe it was selfish but she couldn't handle her own truth yet. She felt like if she fixed him first, she would be able to take care of herself later.
Olivia pulled back and smiled at him. "You look tired…" She whispered cupping his cheek in her hands.
Elliot sighed. "I haven't been sleeping much…"
Olivia nodded. "That makes two of us…"
He stared at her for a moment. "I'm sorry I yelled at you…I'm just so messed up right now."
Olivia shook her head. "Forget about it. Over the last twelve years we've both done our fair share of yelling…I learned to get over it quite quickly."
He smiled at her before wiping away a tear in the corner of his eye. "Will you stay? At least for tonight?"
Olivia smiled. "I brought a bag…even if you had kicked me out I probably would have slept in my car."
Elliot chuckled. "Stubborn as always I see…"
"Yeah. I am…just like my partner." She said nudging him.
Elliot sighed and stared deep into her eyes. "I can't go back Liv…not just now. Maybe not ever…"
Olivia shrugged, thinking that even if he wanted to go back he might not have a partner to go back to soon. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it okay? Let's just take one day at a time…"
Elliot nodded. "Alright." He reached a hand out and cupped her face in his hand this time. "Thank you for coming…"
"Of course." Olivia said winking at him. "What are best friends for?" She turned back to her tea. "My tea is getting cold…"
Elliot walked around the counter and took his Mom's seat. "Sit…talk. Drink…"
Olivia smiled and sat across from her, it felt like years ago that he Doctor had given her the diagnosis. It didn't feel real sitting here with Elliot like nothing had ever happened. All she knew was that this was exactly where she needed to be…Elliot needed her. And in some strange way…being here for him was helping her too. The rest of her problems could wait…at least until Friday at ten a.m.
What did you think? Let me know. I haven't forgotten about "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?" I'll be working on both so don't expect updates right away. :) Thanks for reading!