Title: Visiting Old Friends and New Gossip
Author: Third Charm
Fandom: Babylon 5
Pairings: Marcus/Neroon.
Story Type: Comedy
Rating: T
Disclaimer: Babylon 5 and all subsequent major characters, plots, and ideas are the property of J. Michael Straczynski, Babylonian Inc. and Warner Bros. The following story was written only for the purposes of entertainment. No income had been made.
Warnings: AU, not beta read, profanity, slash
Spoilers: Up to and including "Grey 17 is Missing"
Summary: Well, oddjob103 asked me to do it again. And the doc changed my meds this morning too, so here's a sequel to the Command Comic Carnival! BTW, this is also an answer to Lady Q's 2005 Halloween Challenge. Challenge # 4. The song Monster Mash is either sung or mentioned in the story.
Author's Note: This Snippet is set in my "Chaperones and Charades" Universe. It may or may not make it into that WIP in this form or an altered one. I haven't decided yet.
Visiting Old Friends and New Gossip
Lt. Corwin had never been so happy to work the swing shift in C&C in his life! When he had pulled the red straw from the hat at the last staff meeting, he'd actually broken out into a chorus of "Hallelujah". Now, he could watch the mayhem from the relative peace in C&C without having to worry about the loss of his dignity. "Command Comic Carnival" indeed! Whoever came up with that tradition should have been shot! Corwin was pulled from his thoughts as the jump gate activated. It was the Skipper's old command, the Agamemnon.
"Babylon Control. This is the Agamemnon. Request permission to dock." Came from the comm.
"Request granted, Agamemnon," answered the Comm officer. "Please follow all procedures for docking at docking bay 127. Welcome to Babylon 5."
"Thank you Babylon Control. On an off topic, could you patch us through to the Skipper? We're still the same bridge crew that he left behind. We'd like to wish our old Captain well."
"No can do, Agamemnon. The CCC is on tonight. He's got to be back stage getting ready," answered the Comm Officer."
"CCC?! Damn! Did you hear that kids?! All right, Agamemnon requests permission for shore leave rights to Babylon 5," the ship's CO all but yelled.
Corwin took over. "We are getting really crowded, Captain -- ?"
"Raines. Captain Raines. John's old XO," answered the Captain of the legendary warship.
"Well Captain Raines. We're really crowded. If your people can keep their tempers and don't mind being crushed by Warriors, Rangers, Tha'Domo, ground-pounders, 'fury hotshots, GROPOS, battle teeps, and beings in every type of uniform in known space, welcome aboard. - OH! And please, please keep your people from slobbering on the Kreene Warriors. It tends to annoy them. And folks who annoy them tend to get hurt. AND NO ONE MAKES A PASS AT ENTIL'ZHA DELENN OR RANGER COLE! Got it?"
"Huh? Kreene? Cole?" came the question.
"Think Tolkien's Elves, only better looking. As I said, if you still want the shore leave, please keep your crew off of them. The groupies they already have are getting past the annoying point," Corwin said with a snicker. "And you'll know Cole when you see him! There's usually a big, bad ass Minbari Warrior behind him ready to kill you for looking at Cole. Real hard to miss."
"Oookay. Um, the Kreene. New race?" asked Raines.
"Old race. Very powerful, sort of like Minbari with better tempers. Their rep. to the ISA had the misfortune to pull a clear straw from the hat. It should get be real interesting. Then again, so did the Shai Alyt. That should make for one insulted – and ready to fight - Warrior Caste," Corwin added, hoping to convince Raines to rescind the request for shore leave. He was about to be disappointed.
"Humiliated Shai Alyt! Sounds like one hell of a party! We'll be there with bells on," answered the Captain and signed off.
The poor Lieutenant groaned at that. "Oh Lord, more jar-heads and hotshots. Dyed in the wool EA jar-heads and hotshots to boot! Someone Comm Becker in Security, and tell him the odds on a free for all just went up again. Get someone to the Zocalo, and inform the Captain that his old command has docked. And someone get me some heartburn relief!" Yelled out Corwin.
"You are feeling ill, sir?" asked one of the Minbari Rangers on C&C duty.
"No, not yet, Anla'Shok. But this is B5, therefore I will be, and soon. First we have an old EA ship docking that has never been here before and doesn't understand B5's version of sanity. And it's the most Minbari-hated ship of the Line too. Next, the Shai Alyt is about to humiliate him self in front of the entire ISA army, and we have a division of Kreene Warriors being chased by sex-crazed soldiers of all races and of both sexes. If that isn't enough, I've seen the miniscule sashes that those idiots have passed off as the ladies' costumes and we all know our male COs' extensive over-protectiveness and StarKiller's nasty little green streak."
Everyone shuddered at that statement. It wasn't something that was easy to forget. The Ranger even paled, remembering just how close his brother-in-arms came to "dying under the lash".
"Now put all of that together with a Station filled with insulted Warriors and drunk jar-heads, and a military stand-down party to end 'em all, and what do you get?" Cowrin asked.
The somewhat recovered Ranger looked puzzled.
"An ulcer for the Duty Officer, that's what!" Corwin said and groaned. "Maybe I would have been better off humiliating myself in front all known space!"
Raines and the primary bridge crew of the Agamemnon walked into the seething mass of beings in the Zocalo. The sheer size of the place amazed them. By God, they were proud to say that Earth built B5! The number of different races milling about and mixing together astounded them. They had never even heard of half of, let alone seen, the races that were present. Sheridan's old command stood and stared in awe. A Security Officer approached the dumbfounded group.
"Sirs, I am Officer Becker. Welcome to Babylon Five, and our version on the Command Comic Carnival. Please let me lead you to a table," Becker stated and saluted.
"No need for the V.I.P treatment, Becker. We're just soldiers like the rest," Raines stated.
"No sir, sorry sir. This came down from the boss. You get a table front and center," Becker said and motioned to two of his men to make a path towards the stage for the party.
"John has changed. He'd never have put us on the spot like this in the old days," Said Raines in wonder.
"Who said anything about the Captain, sir? I said the boss," Becker snickered as they approached the table.
The Agamemnon bridge crew looked puzzled. "The boss?" questioned the Comm officer.
"Yes, sirs. Captain Sheridan's betrothed, sirs. Entil'Zha Delenn's orders, sirs," Becker chuckled out. "Lord knows the Skipper has no head for any social niceties right now. He's the real brains behind our battle plan, sirs. He's so wrapped in this war that he wouldn't even remember any of, let alone get to all those Minbari courting rituals on time if he didn't have Ranger Champion Cole, the Shai Alyt, most of the Rangers, and the Entil'Zha's aide dragging him out of the war room. They get the Skipper to the meeting place on time, dressed properly, and give him a run down on what to expect," Becker finished.
Raines chuckled. "That sounds like the John Sheridan I know. Duty first. Everything else can wait."
A security officer practically ran up to Becker. "Sir, sorry to interrupt, but StarKiller is probably coming out tonight," he somehow got out between breaths.
All the table had the same astounded look on their faces, and were mouthing "StarKiller??" to each other.
"Shit!" Becker swore. "Well, what's the poop?"
"Entil'Zha pulled "Betty Boop!" the terrified officer stated.
"Aww, hell!" Becker swore again.
"It gets worse! All, and I mean all, of the ladies are in costumes that Centuari whore mongers would consider scandalous."
Becker broke in. "Even Na'Toth and the President?!"
"Xena –um Asian outfit - and a Dominatrix, sir!" the officer said.
Becker groaned and hung his head. The table of visiting officers choked. What the hell was going on?
"Gods, sir! The best battle teep we have is stuck as Dr. Fran-N-Furter, and not happy about it. So at least one slagged brain is on the agenda for tonight. Especially after his women take the stage! And Cole, well the poor bastard pulled a vampire stripper out of the hat! It's bad sir. You can see right through his shirt and the pants leave absolutely nothing to the imagination. And God help us all when Madame President and the Senator take the stage. The damn thing will get rushed!" added the now hyperventilating officer.
"We are so screwed! I'm going to kill the fuckers who thought up that hat! Get a double line of security around that stage! Haul in some Rangers and Warriors for it! If they bitch ask the fools if they want to see The Widow Maker and StarKiller working in tandem!" Becker yelled out, then he motioned to a very young looking female security officer. "Smith, get your posterior over here!" When Smith ran over he ordered, "You act as hostess. Bridge crew of the Skipper's old command. DON'T let any Wind Swords near here. Got it?! Don't F it up again!"
"Sir, yes sir!" yelled out Smith while at attention.
"Last chance, Smith. You do good, and you are off the Chief's black book. You F up again, and we space you! Understood?" Becker spat out.
Smith paled and gulped. "Sir, yes sir!" yelled out Smith while still at attention.
"Good! I'm out of here. Sirs, have a fun evening," with that, Beck left at top speed.
The table and the security officer both took time to catch their breath. Finally, Raines got up the courage to ask the question on everyone's' mind. "StarKiller?" he queried.
"What? – Oh, sorry sir. It's what the Minbari used to call Captain Sheridan as an insult before the whole Valen/Sinclair thing came out. Um, it's what we've call started calling the Captain's little green streak," answered Smith while scanning the area for any unwanted company.
"Ah. And "The Widow Maker"?" a still puzzled Raines asked. He'd never known John to get jealous or excessively violent. What had this place done to his friend?
"The Shai Alyt, sir. He had personally taken out over fifty thousand EarthForce troops – both ship and ground – during the War. He was nicknamed "The Widow Maker" by the Chief and President's GROPO unit," Becker answered while bringing up her comm. "Jackson, there's a pair of Wind Swords who look like they've had a little too much of the Rangers' "Happy Grass" coming my way. Head them off if you don't want to see my funeral."
"Got it. One overly friendly officer on the way," answered her counterpart.
The table looked stunned. "Happy Grass"? Wait, was that Sec. O. going to use the tactics that they were suspecting? They followed Smith's line of sight. Yup, she sure as hell was! What the hell was going on here?
Becker saw the looks. "Sirs, sorry sirs. But the Chief gave strict orders to do anything and everything that was required to keep the peace tonight. Even if it meant going completely above the call of duty. Don't worry sirs. Jackson's going to be safe. See? One of the Rangers is going out with them. Oh, good. No one injured. Just a little slap-n-tickle, a sedative, and passed out Wind Swords at the entrance." Smith took a breath before asking, "Excuse me sirs, I'm forgetting my other duties. Would you care for refreshments?"
The stunned table could only nod. Smith signaled one of the other Sec. O.s over. "Davis, get these gents a bottle of the Skippers' private stock will you?"
"On it Smith! Anything to help you pull it out of the fire, kid. You're good people. Don't want to see you spaced," said Davis and ran over to one of the bars.
The navigation officer chuckled. "They are really laying it on you, Officer Smith. Just what in the hell did you do?"
Smith just whimpered in answer.
"Oh, come on it couldn't be that bad!" said one of the others.
Smith sighed. "Well it's better you hear it from me than the grape vine. Those gossip mongers have me looking like a sadistic bitch out for revenge because Ranger Cole threw me over for the Shai Alyt. That's just insane! We don't even know each other!"
There was a unanimous, "WHAT?!"
"Um, there was a very nasty little incident a bit back. Long story short, it came out looking like Lancelot and Gwenaviere in flagrante delicto with a side order of her ladies in waiting to boot! The Captain walked in on it after a really incriminating broadcast. Anyway, it was all a big misunderstanding, and everything was perfectly innocent, but at the time, well, you can see how the Skipper could have gotten the wrong picture?" Smith asked desperately.
No they didn't, but nodded like they did. Lancelot? Gwenaviere? Ladies in waiting? What the fuck!?
"Well, we as a Station got to meet StarKiller for the first time. I don't want to go there EVER again. I'd rather face the Shai Alyt on charges of throwing myself at Ranger Cole! At least he'll just break my neck!" Smith said rather forcefully.
Davis arrived with a real bottle of Kentucky bourbon at that point. The bridge crew immediately held out their glasses for filling. They now knew that they were going to need it toget through the night. -- Wait, didn't that other Sec. O. say that Cole was a man?!
Raines took a stiff drink, and plunged back into the quagmire. "Isn't Ranger Cole male?"
Smith smiled. "Yes sir, he is! Now you see why the idea of Entil'Zha having an affair with him behind the Skipper's back is so nuts?" The table stared, dumbfounded by that statement. "I mean, well, he and the Shai Alyt make no bones about their relationship anymore!"
"O.K. soldier, back-up and start from the beginning! This time I want the long story!" an exasperated and even more confused Raines barked out.
So Smith started the tale with the Kreene, much to the delight of the Agamemnon's bridge crew. She kept watching out for unwanted guests and pouring refills while she talked. When she got to the part about the Captain's Mast, Raines choked and spat out his liquor.
"My God! What was John thinking?! A man can die like that!" he gasped out.
"I think that was the idea, Sir. Anyway, I got stuck with the task of delivering the execution weapon of StarKiller's choice. The Chief says I should have stalled, made up excuses, and lied through my teeth if I had to, but not delivered the Cat. My answer was not to his liking, so he's pissed at me. He says I almost got two good men killed, and almost destroyed our only hope against the Shadows. Everyone says that when the Captain came back to himself, he'd have been horrified by what he had done. That it would have killed him too," Smith said in a tear-filled voice.
"Not your fault, kid. You got stuck between a rock and a hard place. Go on with the story," Raines said in sympathy.
"Well, right when it was going to start, Na'Toth slugged her boss and tackled StarKiller, thereby stopping him from laying into Cole. Then the whole sordid little mess came out. Well, we found out all of this later on from the Chief's 2IC. Anyway, she started spilling the beans. Cole is gay. Has been gay, and will be gay. So there's been no hanky-panky between Cole and any of the Command Staff ladies. He's just been one of "the club" for quite a while. Besides, he had been sneaking around with the Shai Alyt for months!"
Also, the Commander, Ms. Alexander, and Byron - all three together mind you - been getting it on for around the same amount of time. Oh and by the way, the Commander's a teep! That made for two scandalous affairs and one real nasty secret, but none of them involved Delenn, so the Captain shouldn't be trying to off anybody. Well, hearing it like that didn't convince the Captain of any of it. I mean, it's too crazy a story to be true, right?"
"That's when things really went for the Bermuda Triangle. Byron and Shai Alyt Neroon came charging in like knights out of some horrible romance novel and finally got the Captain to listen to their sides of the story. Well, it helped that the President was there and went through training with Cole and could back up the story. Seems she was on the same strike team as Cole and an old lover of his before he – ah, the old lover – bought it and Cole and the Prez were reassigned elsewhere."
"Anyway, from what Zack said, even though the Skipper wasn't out for blood anymore, Byron had to spend at least a half an hour calming the Commander and Ms. Alexander out of their hysterics, and the Shai Alyt couldn't get Cole out of them at all. I can understand though, I mean the poor SOB almost got whipped to death. Shai Alyt Neroon literally had to carry Cole out of the Entil'Zha's quarters."
"Going on, After Senator Bahlille's daughter almost started a war between the Kreene and the Minbari by calling Cole a whore, - Cole had passed out at that point – in front of the Shai Alyt things finally settled down," Smith finished.
"How? I mean Neroon isn't known for taking an insult lying down," Asked Raines.
"Well, Senator Bahlille came in and got the situation under control with some real good political belly crawling. And Shai Alyt Neroon was too worried about Cole to care about whether or not he needed to try to exterminate another species. Anyway, the situation got under control, and things went back to almost normal around here."
"Now, we just have to put up with one overprotective Shai Alyt testing the patience of his lover, a much more PDA friendly Captain and Entil'Zha, and the Teep Trio rubbing everyone's' faces in it – all while trying to get the get ready for the last showdown with the Shadows," she answered as another bottle of bourbon was delivered.
The visiting Captain and his officers were still in shock. What kind of madhouse were they in? What had this place done to their old Captain? -- And what's with the giant lampshade that just got rolled onto the stage?
"Well ladies, gents, and everybody else, the votes are in! We will be starting with the Karaoke portion of the show and then continuing to the impromptu follies! Now to open the CCC is the Vorlon Ambassador Kosh with his rendition of "Monster Mash"!"
The table choked. Liquor was spewed everywhere! "WHAT!!"
End