Oh, disclaimer, disclaimer on the page, who is the fairest one of all? Bethesda. Sigh That's right, not me.
A word from M'aiq: This is a bit of a unique piece. I like the idea of a strange Fanboy for the Elder Scrolls, though I've yet to perchance upon one. Yet. I'll let you know when I do find one. Oh yeah, as a side note, Gary Stu is supposed to sound like Neil Goldman ("Family Guy"). A lisp is a bit challenging to put into text, but lo and behold, I tried.
M'aiq the Liar presents "The Fans' Story"
Starring Fanboy aka Gary Stu.
Co-Starring Adoring Fan.
Gary Stu's freckled face stared up at the monumental building before him in awe, the Arena. Behind his thick-rimmed glassed, he knew what he had to do, fight. The white stone walls didn't intimidate him but inspired him. He would fight within those walls to claim the title of the Grand Champion's greatest fan. Gary had seen every battle of hers. He had even snuck into the blue team's room to gawk at her after a battle with minotaurs. His passion for the woman was unbounded. He was going to prove it that afternoon no matter what.
A Bosmer stood at the steps to the Arena district, trying to breathe evenly. He was excited about his upcoming battle, perhaps a little too excited. He was determined to turn that excitement into energy with which to defeat the enemy claiming to be the Grand Champion's real fan. This other fan, Gary, hadn't followed the woman until she wept with irritation, nor did he stalk her every Loredas night at her fabulous but secure home in the Talos Plaza. Gary expected her to know his actual name. Hah! The Bosmer responded to whatever her beautiful voice called him, be it "s'wit" or "little Bosmer bastard" or just "you". Mostly she called him "That Adoring Fan," and it stuck. He nodded confidently as he ran a hand up through his bright hair. He was going to prove himself the most devoted fan of all time.
Gary walked up closer to the building just as the Bosmer headed towards it. Reaching the cool shadow of its wall, they stopped and looked at one another. The Bosmer's eyes met Gary's darkly. Gary Stu shook his head at the so-called Adoring Fan disapprovingly. He closed his eyes briefly, thinking for a moment about how much he admired his Champion.
"Hey!" shouted the gatekeeper. "What are you two doin'?"
"We're here for business!" the Bosmer exclaimed.
The man nodded and said, "Oh, right. Head on in. One to the right the other to the left if you'll please."
"Yesch schir!" chirped Gary with high-pitched voice and incorrigible lisp.
The two parted ways and went into the teams' special rooms. Gary headed into the blue room, the color his esteemed Grand Champion had worn before she took up the royal red cuirass. He pulled on a light raiment and looked through the available weaponry. The great iron claymore caught his eye. The Grand Champion had used a simple longsword herself, which is why she was christened 'The Crimson Blade'. Surely, she would be impressed by a man who could handle such a heavy, cleaving blade. Gary picked the sword up and found it to be a bit weightier than he expected. The sword slipped from his hands and clattered to the floor with a violent metallic clamor. He pushed his glasses further up his nose and thought for a moment. He imagined himself having a great set of biceps and a broad, muscular chest. Gary heaved the sword onto his wide shoulder and stood by the actual Bloodworks gate, excited as ever.
Owyn looked upon Gary proudly, nodding his head. Gary Stu smiled at the Redguard as the gate opened. Porkchop the boar danced in his cage and squealed as if to say, "You can do it, Gary," or so he thought anyway.
Gary leaned down and whispered, "Thanksch, Porkchop. The Crimschon Blade will schee me out there when I schow that Boschmer what'sch what."
Owyn wasn't even bothered by the fact that he was talking to the boar. He kept smiling and waved at Gary happily, telling him how great he'll do against that Bosmer. Gary continued up the filthy steps towards the sand-filled pit he would slay his foe in, the very same he had first seen and fell in love with the Grand Champion. He reached the holding cell. He looked to the left and saw his heroine's initials carved into the stone. She must have grown bored every time waiting for the announcer to finish his enthusiastic rambling. Quickly, he used his heavy claymore and carved 'GS' beside her initials. He nodded and looked up as the announcer began shouting.
"Today we have two desperate souls trying to win the respect of one fair lady, the beautiful and strong Arena Grand Champion. He who wins this battle shall prove his worth to the Crimson Blade. Lower the gates!"
Gary ran forwards to find his opponent in a heavy raiment. In his grasp was a bow with an arrow already strung in it. The Bosmer loosed the arrow, and it went flying towards Gary. He deftly swung his claymore and blocked the oncoming projectile. Quickly, the Bosmer had strung two more onto his bow and fired them. Gary had to leap backwards to avoid them. He then ran forward and thrust his claymore sides, cleaving the bow right from the Bosmer's hands. The Bosmer retaliated by pulling out an enchanted blade and driving it into Gary's left arm. Fire surged through the piercing as he pulled the dagger away. Gary let out a shout of pain as he reeled back, looked at the burn on his arm. The Bosmer was hurriedly rushing back towards his bow when Gary rushed him. He swiped at him with his claymore, knocking the Bosmer off his feet. He skidded in the sand a few feet before rolling over and groaning in pain. His red Elven blood was smeared into the sand in a clear line. Gary didn't hesitate as he ran forwards, taking advantage of his fallen enemy, and brought his claymore down on the Bosmer, ending his life.
The crowd in the stands all around him broke out in cheers. He raised his claymore over his head and shouted happily, proclaiming his true love for the Crimson Blade. She stood up in the stands and waved to him. There was a light in her eyes, which he'd never seen before. The beautiful warrior jumped down from the stands and ran towards him. He slid his claymore into the sheath on his back as if it was second nature and opened his arms wide, accepting the woman into them with glee. She kissed his cheek over and over, stating how she knew it would be Gary who would win.
"Oh, Gary! Gary!" she yelled. "You're the only one for me!" Gary nodded affirmatively thinking, I know. I'm supposed to be the only one for you. This is how it works out. She continued further with flowing, amorous words of her undying affections.
"Gary! Are you even listening to me?" she said, her voice beginning to sound strangely deeper. "Come on, Gary!"
Gary shook his head to find himself leaning over, gripping the handle to a heavy claymore at his feet. A Dunmer was standing behind him, asking him if he was okay.
"Oh, schure thing. Juscht need a light schword," he mumbled, feeling defeated. The Dunmer handed him a light shortsword.
Then, Gary heard Owyn shout, "Hey! Let's go, meat! We ain't got all day." The gate to the Arena was wide open. Nervously, he took his sword and rushed up the steps, slipping on one and bruising his knee before the battle. He grumbled and limped up the grimy steps. He stood in the holding cell and waited for the announcer, who just briefly introduced the two as novices battling to the death. There was no noble cause or explanation of passion. The gate opened and the Bosmer came out his gate in a yellow raiment. He was wielding a huge iron axe. Gary's eyes opened widely and he tripped in the sand, landing face first. His sword fell from his hand and skidded away some distance. He slowly got to his feet as the Bosmer came at him, swinging the axe wildly. He hit Gary in the side, damaging his raiment and cutting his side.
"Ow! By the Nine, take it easchy!" Gary Stu exclaimed.
"So then, you give up!" said the Bosmer darkly.
Gary replied, "No, I can't give up!"
"Then you will die!"
"Alright, alright! I don't want to die. Dying hurtsch!" he whimpered.
The Bosmer chuckled deeply and plunged his axe into Gary's chest. The Adoring Fan raised his hands up high as the crowds cheered for his victory. The Grand Champion came running out of the yellow team gate, grinning widely.
"Oh, my most noble fan, I do believe you've stolen my heart!" she said with a swoon. The Bosmer planted a kiss on the woman right then.
"No! Crimschon Blade!" cried Gary. "Why? Why! You foolisch Boschmer!"
The Bosmer yelled, "What? You're supposed to be dead!"
"You can't kill me!" shouted Gary. He followed that up with an off-sounding, wheezing, crazed laugh.
Suddenly, the Adoring Fan blinked, and everything was gone. He was no longer inside the Arena. The Bosmer stood just outside the Arena gate still with Gary at his side. Their eyes met once more, and they glared at each other. They heard footsteps coming up the from the blue team's side. It was her.
"Here sche comesch!" whispered Gary with a sudden start.
The Bosmer slicked his hair back with his hand and exclaimed, "By Azura!" They glanced at one another nervously before she came up. The woman, wearing her fine Champion's raiment, strode up the steps and was greeted cheerfully by the gatekeeper. She nodded to him and headed towards the large gate. Then, the Adoring Fan ran up to her, followed by a clumsy Gary.
"Why hello Grand Champion! May I do anything for you at all today?" the Bosmer inquired.
The Champion glanced at the Bosmer and grimaced slightly before answering, "You. Ah, do you remember the talk we had? I didn't want to see you around anymore; I still don't, and I don't want to have to involve the guards."
The Bosmer shook his head and replied, "Oh no, my lady! Of course not!"
Gary glanced at the Champion with wide eyes, unable to utter anything but, "Uh, um, hi. I—I'm…uh…" She gave him a pitiful smile and passed by quickly, disappearing beyond the gate out of the Arena district.
"Sche totally lovesch me! I juscht know it!" Gary said with a slight wheeze.
"You wish. She has her heart on me. That's why she's always trying to push me away. Women always mean the opposite of what they say," the Bosmer retorted.
Gary shook his head and shrugged before saying, "Well, let'sch go. We schould get back before our mothersch get angry with usch."
"Rightio," replied the Bosmer.
The two fanatics headed home with one thought running through their heads, I should get home and write a story about this.
-:-
M'aiq let out a slight growl as he glanced down at the story he'd just finished reading. He thought to himself angrily, Why do I bother reading this FanFiction s'wit? He shook his head and tossed his copy of the story into the fireplace, heaving an irritated sigh. He hoped that he'd never have to read about another Fanboy ever again…though he had the foreboding feeling that it wouldn't be the last he'd see Gary Stu in the lowly world of FanFiction.