John Carter : Chosen Paths In The Walk Of Life
Southside of Chicago, Illinois. 20:04 Tuesday night.
I made the wrong choices in my life. I know that now. But, just for my own reassurance I've written about what drove me to this. Read it and make your own decisions.
The problems and how I dealt with them caused this situation I face now. This situation, as I calmly describe it, is the one where I have ended up with nothing. The next question is the hardest to answer.
So, how did my life end up so bad? This is a question I ask myself as I wait for the next train to the football stadium, though not in the usual way. For me, it is my metaphorical way out of here. But, the answer to the riddle is again quite simple. I made the wrong choices. Oh, isn't hindsight a wonderful thing. Anyway, much as my ramblings must be interesting, I'll attempt to explain what they mean. My reflections begin on Valentines Day.
I wasn't having the greatest of days. Not only had Lucy been absent for most of it trying to treat Paul Sobricki, the ER was overrun and I had to cope with the new medical student Abby Lockhart having a hard time treating an old women with a respiratory disorder. Since she was relatively inexperienced I thought it would be better to stay with her and help her through it. I guess this was a slight excuse ; I hadn't been getting on all that well with Lucy and wanted to steer well clear of her. No such luck though, and our last exchange before the stabbing summed everything up.
"Lucy we have patients to see so get to it. There's a leg lac in 2 which requires attention," I berated her.
"But Carter," she replied, "This guy's displaying symptoms of schizophrenia, I think we should at least get a consult down."
"Just give him some meds and discharge him"
"You know what Dr. Carter, forget it, just forget it"
With that she just walked away, and I went back to work. Within minutes the old woman died, and someone mentioned that Abby had gone to the roof. Knowing that this case had hit her quite hard, I decided to go and find her. I'd like to think that our talk gave her some insight into life in the ER and I remember thinking that she will probably make a good doctor. As we travelled down in the elevator, I thought it would be better if I went to find Lucy, apologised, helped her with whatever she had left to do and took her to the party. Maybe even ask her to dance with me. It kind of struck me at that point that although I couldn't stand her sometimes, it hurt me when she wasn't there. Before I could pursue this line of thought the music from the party hit me and that put a stop to clear thinking.
After learning that Lucy was still in Curtain 3 I made my way down the corridor, casually rolling up my shirt sleeves. Entering the room, I assumed that because it was dark she had finished in here and had gone elsewhere. Just about to turn and leave, I spotted the card on the floor. Reading it, it occurred to me that Yosh was caring enough to make sure every woman in the ER had a card. On that count, he was a greater man than I. After that, I didn't really have any logical thoughts except pain and trying to grasp what was happening to me.
One thing I remember clearly though. As I fell to the floor something made me focus. Not 5 feet away from me was a face displaying the worst human emotion of them all. Fear. Nothing I have seen since has come close to the shock that that face gave me. Instantly I felt the pangs of guilt attack my throat. She was completely my responsibility while she was in the ER and I had allowed my stubbornness and pride to negate that responsibility. A sweet, innocent girl was lying on that floor, and a large proportion of the blame rested squarely on me.
You know what happened after this. Dr. Weaver found us, I was taken to Trauma 1 where I woke for the first time after the incident. The look of concern on Deb's face meant more to me than it should have. I knew something was wrong, and her two words "Dr. Kovac" confirmed it. From her tone of voice, I knew I was in trouble. Then a shooting pain went through my back, causing me to pivot to one side. It was then I realised that Lucy was in Trauma 2 as Weaver, Benton and Malucci worked on her. Deb confirmed to me that she was still alive.
I was taken upstairs and operated on immediately. When I came to, I was in a bed in the recovery ward. After being exturbated it took me a few minutes to regain my thoughts. Before long Benton came in to check on me. After a few strength exercises he had volunteered no information, so it was left to me to question him.
"How's Lucy doing?"
"Come on man, lift your leg"
"Man that hurts"
"I know, I'll get you something for the pain."
"Lucy's dead. Isn't she?"
"No Carter, but she's in a bad way. She came out of the OR a few minutes ago. Corday & Romano have done everything they can, it's up to her now to pull through."
Benton then gave me a few more instructions which I followed by instinct. My primary concern was Lucy. She wasn't out of the woods yet and even though I'm not a religious man, I offered a prayer to God that night in the desperate hope that she would survive.
3 days on and it seemed that my prayers had been answered. Lucy was out of danger. But, something that you may not know is that I heard this information second hand. I couldn't face Lucy as I had a good idea of what she might say, or rather, what she had the perfect right to say. For another week I kept up the pretence that she was probably to weak to have any visitors. This was the worst type of lie of them all. A lie to yourself.
Although I hadn't been discharged yet, my mobility was increasing and I could walk for a while with just crutches to support me. I was told that Lucy's condition was increasing rapidly and that she was asking to see me. So, with strength I didn't know I had I made it to her room, paused for a few seconds and then walked in.
My thoughts at this time were simple. People had got over the shock, now it was time for the inquest. However, to me, only one person mattered in this. Preparing myself for this ordeal I took a seat at the side of the bed and waited to her to wake up. When she did, I saw another terrible emotion in her eyes, this time it was recollection.
Struggling to stop the guilt turning to tears, I managed these words.
"I'm sorry Lucy"
She looked at me with pain and regret before stating.
"We let personal differences get in the way of our working relationship. Both of us had to pay a huge price for that"
The coldness she said that with warned me of what was to come.
"Why didn't you listen to me Carter?" she implored.
I couldn't give an answer. By now this conversation was completely one sided as I was doing all I could to prevent crying.
"Carter, I've made the decision to go back home for a while. I'll be back in the autumn to continue with med school. This is what I wanted to tell you, now please go, I don't want to be with you at the moment."
I then complied with her wish. Pausing as I reached the door I turned back, feeling her eyes on me. As our gaze met she looked away with what I assumed to be contempt. The sad thing was, I couldn't blame her. I've put her through a terrible emotional experience, injured her physically and put the brakes on her career.
As I tried to make it to my room I managed one positive thought. She would be back in the autumn. I could attempt to make it up to her then.
I was discharged 4 days later, and from there I made it back to my own flat. I hadn't been back to see Lucy since our short confrontation, and she had expressed no desire to see me, I thought it better that way.
It was two weeks until I was back at work, and I'd like to think that I accomplished something in that time. Truth was though, I didn't. OK, I continued with the training until I was almost back to full fitness, and I made peace with Gamma but I hadn't moved on mentally. I mean, for God's sake, how was I supposed to???? My failing had caused someone who depended on me to get stabbed. Lucy still occupied most of my thoughts in that fortnight and I couldn't find a way to release everything I was feeling.
Things worsened on my first day back at work, as soon as I walked into the lounge and went to my locker I noticed the one 2 down from it. 6 letters hit me. Letters I didn't need to see. KNIGHT.
At this point I dropped my crutches and attempted to bend over to retrieve them. While I was engrossed in this, Dr. Weaver walked in. Not knowing quite how to treat me she began with the formalities. "How are you John? Good to have you back" was all I really caught. I saw the next line coming.
"Lucy went to Boston yesterday"
"Yeah she did mention something. Kerry, I failed her, I don't blame her for wanting to get away from me from a while"
"She will be back John. Concentrate on repairing yourself before starting to make peace with her."
I could sense she was about to add to that comment, but the scream of
"Multiple MVA, 2 minors, 2 majors ETA 5 minutes"
saved us both. Ah, a trauma, exactly what I needed. Except, I wasn't allowed to take part. I think they said I wasn't in an appropriate physical condition. Busying myself with a head lac and a drunk in exam 2 I began what seemed like an endless day. Trouble was, the next 8 shifts I did were like this as well. Over 3 weeks, it is fair to say that my medical skills and knowledge were not tested to their fullest extent.
Anyway, over time I was slowly reintroduced to proper hospital life and I began to work on trauma's again. This should have been the end of the whole thing. Full stop. Closed book. Except it wasn't. I was having trouble sleeping at night and my back was giving me constant pain.
I think you know this part as well. It began as one or two pills to ease the pain. Slowly it went to one or two pills to get through the day. Then it went to straight injections just to get me through the shift. I was addicted, I just didn't know it. Looking back on it now, I can't believe that I went that long without being caught. I was making mistakes at work, I was irritable to be around and I was feeling full of guilt about Lucy. But you could of guessed that.
Anyway, I got caught, and by someone who I didn't know that well. Miss. Abby Lockhart. Since she was assigned to Malucci I hadn't seen much of her after that day. So, she caught me and told Weaver. Although I was mad at the time I know now it was the right decision and I thank her for it. Getting back to the story, I thought that I might be able to convince Weaver I was not on drugs. But, she asked me to lift up my watch and I knew I was done for. By the next morning I was in Atlanta, checked in for a 3 month rehabilitation program.
My experience in that place showed me the mistakes I had made and how to rectify them. Not to put to fine a point on it, I was in a mess. During that 3 months I managed to kick the drugs and get some serious thinking done. It sounds so easy, just flows off the tongue. Let me tell you, some of those nights were the hardest of my life. What drove me on was the fact that I knew I had to get back to Chicago and start over. I know it's a cliché but it was my focus during that time. "Things can only get better."
In that time I learnt about myself and I was ready to put that into practise as I got back to Chicago. I had to start to live by the AA maxim, "It works if you work at it"
My first day back at work was tough. I was treated like a child. Deservedly so. I couldn't write prescriptions, couldn't get involved in traumas and got stuck behind the proverbial mountain of paperwork. Still, I only had myself to blame. After my time in rehab I was a lot calmer and philosophical. Meet the nice side of John Carter, I mean, the one you haven't seen for six months.
After a meeting with Dr's Weaver and Greene, which involved a drug test I was allowed to go home. I couldn't though, I had something to do.
My priority that day was to find one Abby Lockhart. I didn't mention it before, but the names I called her after telling Dr. Weaver were to say the least, not kind. After learning that she was due on 1 hour after I finished I waited for her in the lounge. When she walked in there was another surprise waiting for me, although not one that bothered me at the time. She had her arm round Luka Kovac, who although I had respect for him, we didn't quite get along. I referred to him as a working acquaintance. I assume Abby had told him about the situation because he greeted me with a nod and "Carter" before backing out of the door. Finally, time to make amends.
"Abby"
"Carter"
"Look, over the last few months I have been feeling guilty about something (Apart from Lucy, that is). Even though my actions suggested otherwise, I realise now that you couldn't do anything but tell Weaver about what happened. It started me on the way to some sort of recovery. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me."
"Carter, you don't need me to forgive you. When you said those words, I knew it wasn't John Carter speaking, but, if it makes you feel better, there are no hard feelings"
The silence that followed was punctured by an obvious statement from me.
"Seems things have changed a little for you since I left"
"Yeah, Luka and I are doing well"
Our conversation was cut short by a shout warning us of an incoming trauma, which Abby had to attend to. As she dashed from the room I followed at a more sedate pace. However, two things distracted me before I left. One, a glare from Kovac, and two, the hospital photo board, where all doctors and nurses were listed. Somehow, one photo in the ER department caught my eye. Miss Lucy Knight.
It was now late August, she would be back in about a month. How would see treat me? I couldn't blame her if she was resentful towards me. I had let her down badly; it almost resulted in her dying. It was that simple. Black and White. At this point, I was feeling so low that I would have possibly taken drugs again. But, I forced myself to go to the AA meeting.
Ah, the meetings. As part of the hospital conditions I had to go to them, and I had been going since I got back from Atlanta. Listening to people "share" was awesome. It was a relief to know that there were others with the same kind of problems as me, more important, others who had survived those problems. I took strength from that.
The first 15 minutes of that nights meeting were as normal. Someone stood up to the podium at the front of the room and talked. Hearing their words, I was reminded of my time, 3 weeks ago. My very first at the front of this room.
"My name is John. And. And. And I'm addicted to painkillers."
The warm applause that rippled through the room was relief for me. I knew they had accepted me. After all, we were all equals in that room. But, back to tonight's meeting. Although it was still good, I couldn't quite relate to the opening speaker, an alcoholic who had been dry for three months. I had never sought comfort in the bottle, only with a needle. So, my attention began to wonder. Looking around the room, I rested my gaze on one person. Not someone who I expected to see in this place. Abby Lockhart. It suddenly occurred to me that I knew nothing about her. She could be in this room for any number of reasons, all of them I wanted to know. Not just for personal curiosity, but because someone like me had a similar problem. I think that she sensed she was being watched, because she turned her head. Her eyes widened in recognition, but she knew why I was here. Averting my gaze I resumed concentration on the meeting. As soon as it was finished though I made my way over to her.
"Wanna grab something to eat"
"Sure"
So, reaching the nearest diner we found a booth and sat down. After ordering a coffee each paused, not really knowing how to start a conversation. After all, we didn't know each other that well. Luckily, she had the courage to start.
"So I'm guessing you might like to know why I was there. I mean, you know why I was there, but, you don't know what my problem was."
"Yeah, something like that"
"I'm an alcoholic. A recovering alcoholic."
"How long have you been dry?"
"About 5 years I guess"
"Ever think about having a drink"
"All the time"
After this ice breaker we both grinned awkwardly at each other before taking a sip of coffee. It suddenly occurred to me that I had an unanswered question.
"Why did you start?"
A slight smile played on her mouth.
"A little blunt tonight aren't we Carter"
"Sorry"
"I don't mind ; I was trapped in a loveless marriage, I sought refuge in the bottle. It's that simple."
The note she ended that answer on told me not to press further into the matter. Suddenly though, I didn't want to, I had a new tack to pursue.
"Hang on, you said you'd been dry for 5 years right?"
"Yeah"
"So that means you could sponsor someone"
It took her a few seconds to realise what my statement was actually suggesting.
"I don't think that's such a good idea Carter"
"Oh come on, you're not going to make me ask a total stranger"
"Its not that I don't want to sponsor you, its just that I having enough trouble holding my own life together at the moment"
"Look just do it for a while, at least until I can find someone"
I could sense that she wanted to, but something was holding her back. In my opinion though, it was someone. Luka. Bastard. I knew he didn't like me, but my worry was that he could inspire that sort of fear in Abby. Anyway, I had put the compromise on the table, maybe she would go for it.
She pondered it for a few more seconds before giving an answer.
"OK, but, if I am going to sponsor you, we can start off by you telling me about yourself.
"Abby, thanks"
So, I told her as much as I could, or wanted to rather. I enlightened her as to my non existent relationship with my parents, Bobby, Chase and the stabbing. In return, she told me about her mother, her ex husband and Luka. That was a subject I wasn't too interested in.
It occurred to me that I felt at ease talking to this woman. Was it because she had experienced similar problems, so I knew she couldn't judge me. Or was it something else. My thoughts were broken by Abby.
"Carter its almost midnight. I should be going"
"Fine, do you want me to walk you home"
"No, I'll be fine, I live just around the block"
With that and a smile, she left. For the first time in a while, I felt slightly at ease with myself and I began to think about a more pressing matter. Lucy. She was back soon. What would happen when she came back? My thoughts lingered to before the stabbing. More specifically Exam 6. That kiss had been awesome. It was a well known fact that she could push my buttons, and I had felt a little something for her, although I acted like I hated her most of the time, which she seemed happy to reciprocate. I did think we would be okay together, but since we couldn't be I found it easier to act nasty to her in an effort to ignore my feelings.
I certainly thought that she would dislike me even more now. That theory made it easy to lay my old feelings to one side. Guilt now had replaced them. Hopefully though, I could try and build some bridges, I mean, I would be her resident for the rest of her rotation, I had to get along with her. These thoughts ended when I was informed the diner was closing. I made my way home and towards sleep. I didn't sleep well again that night. I still have nightmares of those eyes looking at me from under the gurney.
The next few weeks were strange. I continued going to the meetings with Abby and was getting back into work. I almost managed to shut Lucy out of my mind too. Then, one night in the diner Abby gave me something to think about.
"Luka broke up with me today"
My silence made it obvious that I didn't know how to respond. Truth was, I was stunned. Over time, I had developed some feelings for her. She was kind, unassuming, a good listener. She had a boyfriend though, she was off limits. Until now that was.
In the more immediate situation, I saw a chance to be the listener, to give her back some of the strength she had given me in the past few weeks. So, I just let her talk. Ramble would be more like it. From what she said, I think she knew that her and Luka weren't going anywhere. The hurt that she displayed though made me dislike Luka a touch more. The cold bastard. The evening ended with both of us feeling better. Her because she had someone to talk too, me because I thought there now could be something between us.
We were now spending a lot more time together at work as well. She was defiantly a great comfort and inspiration to me. If she could rebuild herself after addiction, so could I. Difference was though, she didn't have the guilt of the stabbing over her.
But, after coming out of Trauma 2 the next day, I realised it. I had to tell Abby I was falling for her.
Some half an hour later she came up to me and asked if I wanted to grab a bite with her when she got off, at the same time as me. I said yes, then spent the rest of the shift trying to summon up my reserves of courage. This business kept my mind away from the other reason I was going to need my courage. Tomorrow, Lucy comes back.
That night, we went over to Doc Magoo's. After sitting down, ordering and making small talk about the day I was shit scared. But, this had to be done.
Cutting her off in mid sentence, (something about Malucci) these were the words that came out of my mouth.
"Abby, I guess you've helped me through the last months, I, I, have grown to like you immensely. I guess I was kinda hoping that you, you know."
"No, I don't "know", Carter"
*She wasn't exactly helping here*
"Look, emm, oh God, this isn't exactly how I hoped it would be"
With that, I edged forward across the narrow table. She didn't meet me halfway, but she didn't back away either. Good sign. My lips met hers, and for a second I held them there then pulled back to my side of the table, suddenly taking a great interest in my hands. When I looked up again, she was smiling. Relief flooded through me.
After that, the rest of the night was comparatively easy. We chatted for a while longer and then went our separate ways. It suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't thought about Lucy for a few hours. She was coming back tomorrow. 9 o' clock.
As I went to sleep that night I had another nightmare. I was almost crying visualising that face under the gurney. Hang on, I just told Abby about my feelings. Shouldn't I be happy about that? Yes, I should. But this guilt was greater than any love I felt for Abby. I went to sleep thinking about a conundrum. Did I really love Abby if I could only think about Lucy?
I awoke the next morning to the harsh sound of the telephone. Glancing at the clock it was only 7:05. I was on at 9:00. As I answered it I was a little surprised to hear Deb's voice. I'd assumed it was Abby. Her tone was soft and apologetic, but I still didn't expect what was coming.
"John, I think its best you find out from me before you get here"
"Find out what"
"You know that you thought you would still be Lucy's resident as of today?"
"Yes"
"Weaver's just told me that I am now her supervisor"
"Why"
"Didn't say, listen John, we have a trauma, gotta go"
She hung up before I had a chance to. I was a little confused. I knew Lucy might still be upset, but this? I mean, we had worked together before when the atmosphere was frosty, couldn't we do it again? Then another question hit me ; Had she requested this, or was it Weaver's idea?
I got dressed and arrived at work 5 minutes early, hoping to question Kerry about the situation. Unfortunately, she was in a trauma and I couldn't get to her. After stowing my stuff in my locker I was accosted by Mark Greene. GSW 5 minutes out. Dressing in the unattractive yellow translucent gown, the safety glasses and the gloves we ran out to the Ambulance Bay. During the wait Mark tried to make small talk.
"She's back you know Carter"
"Yeah, I know. I also know she's being supervised by Chen, not me"
*A moments pause*
"That was Kerry's idea. Lucy only found out this morning. I was there when she told her. If its any consolation she looked a little disappointed"
My reply was drowned out by the sirens, and the trauma patient was swiftly unloaded. A hacksaw was jammed around his neck and the retaining clasp had been filed off. There was profuse bleeding where the saw was cutting into his neck. Shit, I thought, this was going to be a weird day. Whilst spending the next 40 minutes working on him and a boy who had put his leg in a bicycle wheel I was deep in thought. I was torn between wanting to see her and not having the guts to face her. Although I thought I saw her disappearing into Exam 3 I didn't follow.
My first sight of her came in Doc Magoo's. I had made my way over there since our coffee maker was broken. On my way up the steps, I saw her reflection in a window. She looked stunning. There was colour back in her face, and she seemed to exude her old enthusiasm. The scars were ugly though, especially the one across her neck. I suspected the ones across her chest would look worse. But, considering I had caused them, what right had I to complain about how they looked. Without thinking, I turned and ran. I just preyed she hadn't seen me. At that point, I didn't think I could handle seeing her. The rest of the shift was quiet, so I busied myself with paperwork. I was just about to leave when I was asked to take a look at an x – ray. Malucci mumbled something about a second opinion. Turning off the room lights I lit up the board, and gave him my synopsis of it, which confirmed what he had thought. With that he left the room. Bending down to tie my shoe, I shut off the x - ray board and went to leave the room. Then I saw her ; She had somehow managed to slip in without me hearing her and was leaning against a medicine cabinet, illuminated in the half light of the corridor spilling in. She looked radiant. A slight smile flickered on her lips. "Hey Carter" was her opening.
Struggling to speak, I managed to croak
"Hi" There was a short pause before Lucy began what I assume was a premeditated speech.
"You know Carter. I don't blame you. Whatever I said, ignore it. There was nothing you could have done. There was no way you could of known he would do that"
"You told me ; I could of examined him, I mean, it cost us both. I should have listened."
"And both of us have paid a price for what happened. Dr. Weaver told me about the guilt you feel, what it drove you to. I think you've punished yourself enough, don't you."
By now I couldn't even face her. The way she was talking almost made me feel worse than if she would have hated me. Staring at the floor I whispered,
"If I had just been hurt as a result of my error, I could of dealt with that. But you didn't deserve it. I could of got Malik to sit with him, got security down, anything. But I didn't. Everyday I wake up and remind myself of that, it will never go away from me"
She paused before considering her words.
"Carter, you're not the first doctor to ignore a student, and you sure won't be the last. If I can see that you are not to blame, surely you can start to forgive yourself?"
Wow, she had certainly given me something to think about. After that exchange, she walked over to me and forced my head up until our eyes met. Her next words reassured me.
"I mean it Carter"
With that she turned and left, leaving me sitting on a medicine cabinet in the darkness. Her parting shot was something about hearing about me and Abby, congratulations. I had no idea where she had found that out and to this day I still don't. It was going to take time to sort things with Lucy for good, build bridges I think I said earlier. Well, she had certainly laid the foundations, it was up to me to carry on from here.
If I learnt one thing from this, it was to respect Lucy. She was right before, she would be right many times to come. The sooner I got that into my head, the better our relationship would become.
Thanks to a trauma that came in 10 minutes before I was due to leave I ended up leaving half an hour late. When I got to my locker there were two notes lying on the top shelf. One was from Abby, inviting me over to watch a film that evening. The other was from Lucy and it simply stated that she didn't ask to be placed with Deb, she'd rather be with me. More words of encouragement. This girl was a miracle of creation. On top of being intelligent, caring and sexy. No, scrub that, I'm with Abby now. She was able to forgive me as well, or at least it seemed that way. With my mind working in overdrive I set off to Abby's.
After eating and finding that "The Thing" was showing on CBS, we settled into her sofa. The film was utter crap. Within 10 minutes we had lost all interest in it and were kissing passionately. Since neither of us were on till noon tomorrow you can guess where it went from there.
Waking up the next morning though, I allowed my thoughts to drift back to last night. Abby's mind wasn't in it. It seemed like she didn't wasn't to be there. That she didn't enjoy being underneath me. More questions to answer. Only, they were unanswerable ones. Did she want this relationship as much as me?
She had also told me that she couldn't be my sponsor any more, now that we were involved. I knew that, and the mental note of finding a new sponsor was added to my list of tasks.
For the next fortnight, due to a strange shift pattern we hardly saw each other. The one time I did ring her and ask if she wanted to get together, she told me that she was tired. Being in a similar position myself, I accepted that.
I think it's best if I tell you the next part of the story from Lucy's point of view. It still hurts to think about it. Anyway.
*Lucy*
God I'm having a tough day. Lost 2 patients this morning, one in surgery with Dr. Corday. She seems nice, willing to help me and answer questions. Why wasn't Carter like that? But Romano, disgusting. Staring at my tits like that. Did he think I would notice? Or should I be flattered that he was staring at me and not Dr. Corday? Come on Luce, don't indulge yourself in self praise. Finally, time for some sleep. I think exam 4 is clear. But, just as I was about to go in, I heard voices.
Luka ; We made a mistake.
Abby : I know.
Luka : Why did you go to Carter?
Abby : He was desperate. I needed to feel someone depend on me. You didn't give me that feeling.
Luka : I depend on you more than you realise. You hold me together. I broke up with you last time because I saw you getting close to Carter. I thought it would be a chance to see where you stood. I never thought you would go to him on the rebound.
Abby : I see now that Carter's not right for me. I thought that it would make you jealous and well, you know. He was a friend. It's impossible to go back to that now. I have to finish with him ; Give me a week.
With that I took a glace through the semi open blinds. The sight of Abby and Luka kissing each other filled me with disgust. Carter didn't deserve this ; That bitch cheating on him 3 weeks into a relationship. She had used him. She didn't deserve him.
I knew I had to tell Carter. It was no use him hearing this through idle gossip. It would break him down again, but it had to be done. I knew he came on in 20 minutes, and after leaving a message with Randi I headed to the roof, where he was to meet me.
Sure enough, 25 minutes later he opened the hatch and climbed out, bearing 2 cokes. For once it was quite warm out here. I set about this task, reminding myself that it was because I cared for him that I was doing it. Hang on, did I just say I cared for Carter. Wow.
"Hey Luce"
"Carter"
"Randi said you needed to see me"
"Yeah, Carter, listen. Do you think Abby is the one for you, I mean, have you connected with her"
"Yes. She's experienced everything I have with drugs. She understands. Were happy in our relationship"
"Carter, I, I, I don't think there will be a relationship much longer"
"Luce, you're making no sense. What are you talking about?"
"Carter, I hate to be the one to tell you but I've just seen Luka and Abby kissing downstairs. She said she would break up with you within a week"
He looked at me strangely. Then sound came from him.
"No, No Luce. Why would you say that? You said you had forgiven me, yet you're trying to hurt me. Why, why would you do this? You're just jealous, that's it"
With that he turned and ran, I thought I heard him choking back tears. As he went back into the hatch to exit to roof I thought I heard him shout some obscene name at me. Although I didn't deserve it I knew I had just shattered him to pieces. I couldn't hold it against him. It was basic psyche training, when someone hurts you, you want to hurt them. What was said by Carter didn't actually mean anything, it was just human nature. God, I wonder what he is thinking now.
*Back to Carter*
*Carter's Thoughts*
Lucy Knight. I wish I'd never heard the name. Why does she do this to me? First thing I'm going to do is find Abby and tell her what Lucy said. I saw her going into Exam 2. Maybe she's still in there. Why won't this bloody lift go any faster? At last. Right, the board says she is still in 2. Hang on, isn't that Kovac going in there. Bastard. What does he want? Oh, lets just get rid of him and – oh God.
Yes, you've guessed it. At the point I looked in through the window they were kissing. Lucy was right. I couldn't believe what Abby had done to me. All I could do was run back up to the roof where I had forgotten that Lucy was. This was tricky, unable to go back, unwilling to go forward. Looking back, it sort of typified my life as a whole. What a time to become a master philosopher. I strode out of the lift and climbed out onto the roof. Lucy was still there, looking over Chicago and thinking. She turned.
"Come to apologise for what you called me" was her hard opening.
"I saw them. Kissing" With that I was gone and crying. I had thought that I was starting to pick up the pieces of my life that were scattered over time. One of the major cornerstones, Abby, had just fallen out and I couldn't hold it together any more.
Lucy tried her best to wrap her frame around mine and comfort. To her credit, she didn't tell me to stop crying and the classic phrase "It will be all right" wasn't spoken. I silently thanked her for that. After about 10 minutes of crying more rational thoughts returned to my head, such as how could a woman act like this. Not Abby, Lucy. For her tiny physique, she was a woman of great stature. How else could she forgive me for everything? But Abby, that was a different story. She hadn't wanted a relationship with me, ever. She was doing it out of pity. I hated that. It was unbelievable that someone who I thought I was falling in love with could do that. I was sure Kovac had a part in it though. Bastard. It suddenly occurred to me that they had no idea that me and Lucy knew about them. They would pay for this. But that was an idea for later, now I had to talk with Lucy.
"Thank you" I whispered
"I'm so sorry Carter"
I was touched by that. I knew by her voice and eyes that it was genuine sorrow and pain that a friend had been hurt, not just the pity I assumed Abby had felt for me.
We stayed talking for a few more minutes and then I left. I had been absent for the best part of an hour, I had to go and do some work. As I was stitching up a drunk in Curtain 2 I was thinking that things were a mess again. I mean, Abby had done this to me and on top of that feelings for Lucy were reappearing again. Exam 6 types of feelings. All I could say to myself was that what goes around comes around. I had these feelings before the stabbing, but they had gone out of my mind at the same time as guilt and worry replaced them. And there was hospital policy of course; there was no way I could act on them.
As my mind meandered its way through these thoughts I was disturbed by raised voices coming from the next room. Voices I recognised. Oh Shit.
Running next door I immediately saw Abby and Lucy shouting at each other with Luka trying to calm them down. Before I entered the room I caught a few words.
"Please don't tell John, I love him"
I pushed open the door and simply said "John already knows". With a frightening burst of range I sprung forward and caught Luka with a beautiful hook on the chin. As he fell to the floor I just told him that you don't kiss another man's girlfriend. With a glare at Abby and telling her not to bother apologising I directed Lucy out of the room. Again I was touched by the way she so obviously cared about me. Finding a empty room we sat down.
"Thank you" I started.
"For what"
"For caring enough to go and shout at Abby"
"You don't deserve that hurt John. Someone had to sort out that bitch. You weren't going to and so, well, you know the next bit"
"She didn't know what she had with you. She doesn't deserve your integrity, compassion and your 1001 other great qualities"
Her pager went off at that point and she backed away towards the door before saying
"By the way, nice hook on Kovac."
Oh shit. Luka. He would be after my blood now. It then hit me that after the initial shock of what had transpired that afternoon, I wasn't too sorry about it. I guess I knew things weren't working out with Abby that night we had sex. When she wasn't really interested, I kind of knew it would never work between us but I just didn't want to admit it. Oh well, another failed relationship on the chart.
About a month went by and it was becoming harder to deny those feelings. Instead of having nightmares of Lucy lying underneath that gurney about to die, I was now pleasantly dreaming of how Exam 6 might of continued had we not been interrupted. I knew I wanted to find out, but did she? If I have learnt anything lately, it's that sorting out a problem makes you feel better. Now I had to screw up my courage and face Lucy about it. I decided this one Thursday night, and after checking her shifts I decided to go to her place that Saturday morning at confront her. I remembered where she lived after I dropped some books off there once. So, on that Saturday, I drove to her house at 10am and walked to her apartment. Its at this moment the self doubt set it, and I rung the bell before I had a chance to turn back. She was wearing a dressing gown and her hair was a mess. The look on her face was a picture, I was the last person she expected to see. After a few seconds to collect her thoughts, she invited me in. I declined a drink and a seat because I wanted to be ready for a quick exit. I began to speak.
"Luce, after what happened, I was scared to face you. Once you cleared the air between us I felt better. Your support when Abby broke it off with me was invaluable. It then occurred to me what I felt for you before the stabbing. I was considering asking you out. I know you're a student and its forbidden but I was desperate to. Truth is, I feel a lot for you. If you don't feel the same way its fine, but you were honest with me and I feel that I owe it to you to be the same. Anyway, I've said my bit, I'll go now."
During my little soliloquy I hadn't looked at her. Indeed, on my way out I didn't notice her creep up behind me, place her arms on my shoulders and turn me around. Looking into her eyes I felt that she might feel the same way. The ensuing kiss confirmed it. Quite how we ended up in bed I don't know, but I do know that it was a massive release for both of us, and I had the gut feeling that she could be the one. After Abby though, I decided to let time reveal if she was. She felt enough for me though to ignore the rules. I think "sod them" were her exact words.
She was now asleep by my side and I suppressed a chuckle as I thought of something I had learnt today. That naïve, proper Miss Lucy Knight would sleep with someone on the metaphorical first date. She must have done it a few times though, since she was fantastic in bed. That's all you need to know.
The next 6 months were awesome. Lucy was by my side for every one of them and we managed to keep our relationship a secret from everyone at the hospital. It's probably the worst cliché of them all, but she made me whole again. All of my problems were gone. Abby, the guilt from the stabbing, drugs. I was in the running for chief resident and life was great. Then everything went off the rails. It started in April.
I swear there was no – one in the corridor of the adjacent exam rooms when I kissed Lucy in the lounge. The kiss lasted for no more than 5 seconds but when we broke apart Dr Romano was standing there. I suddenly experienced a sinking feeling in my stomach when I saw his face. His words were even worse. There was no point trying to bluff our way out of this one.
"Dr Carter, Miss Knight, last time I checked you were resident and med student correct.
"Yes"
"You are aware of hospital policy on how those two parties should act in the duration of the teaching spell"
"Yes"
"Then you know the penalty. You are both fired, effective immediately. Clear out your lockers, hand over your patients and leave the building within the hour."
With that he turned and left. By now Lucy was crying. Running to the door I spotted Helah. Shouting to her to come in here and comfort Lucy I sprinted to Dr Weaver's office. After explaining to her everything that had happened, including when our relationship started she assured me she would go upstairs immediately and attempt to negotiate with Romano. After seeing her onto the lift I returned to Lucy. I remember explaining to her what I had done, she didn't say a word to me during it. She had a glazed look in her eyes, I could guess what she was thinking. "Everything I worked for has gone". I could only hope Kerry could talk Romano round, if not for me then for Lucy. I felt the guilt returning, if I had kept a lid on my feelings until after she graduated then this wouldn't have happened. Have I ruined this girls life for a second time?
It was then that the door opened. I could tell by the look in Kerry's face the jig was up. She started to say something.
"I tried John, her wouldn't listen. If it was up to me I would have given you a warning and transferred Lucy to another resident. But Romano, he can't bear to see happiness. I tried to tell him he was destroying two great careers, but he said that if I protested his decision then I would lose my job as well. I'm sorry John."
"It's OK, you did everything you could."
She left the room. Lucy was now clearing out her locker ; I proceeded to do the same. In silence. Finally she asked, "What are we going to do?" I felt ashamed to answer "I don't know"
With that we finished packing and left the room in silence. I couldn't help but feel nostalgic. This would be the last time I ever left this ER. There were lots of memories here. After giving our patients to Dr. Weaver, we turned towards the exit. We were met by a wall of people, none of whom could quite believe what was happening.
Kerry had obviously told them what happened because Dr Greene spoke.
"This isn't right Carter. You are a great Doctor, and Lucy will make a great Doctor. You don't deserve this, we will do our best to fight it for you"
With that everyone came forward and offered us their support, even Luka and Abby. Then everyone suddenly stopped and looked busy. Romano had just stepped off the lift. Everyone stared coldly at him. He didn't seem to care and said.
"Dr. Carter, Miss Knight, you still here? And, if anyone wants to argue the case with me they can follow these two out of the door. Understood?"
He left, and so did we.
On the drive back to my flat Lucy finally spoke.
"John, this is bad. You have your licence, you can still practise. I can't. What are we going to do?"
"I'm going to try and get some locum work for the time being, then maybe go to Mercy or North Western for a job. I'll ring Kerry and ask if she can arrange for you to continue med school elsewhere"
With that she fell silent again. In 2 days I had some work at a local private practise and Kerry found Lucy a berth at Detroit General hospital to continue med school.
I offered to pay for Lucy to move to Detroit, I assumed that after she graduated in 3 months she could find a residency in Chicago and then we would be together again. Unfortunately she had other ideas. Ideas that would finally close the door on my life.
Within a day I had arranged some accommodation for her in Detroit, and had her stuff shipped there. It was as she went to leave that she finally told me how she felt. It was like this.
1.1 Union Station 10:09 Tuesday Morning
"Carter, everything's a mess. Everything's gone wrong. It's made me reassess my future. I've been offered a provisional residency in Psyche in Detroit. I think I'm going to take it. Since it will mean that I will hardly see you, (she choked) I think we should spilt up."
"But Luce……"
"No John, we can do better on our own now"
Knowing when Lucy was sure and definite, I knew this was the end for us. We kissed, one final time and she stepped on the train. Within minutes, Lucy Knight disappeared from John Carter's life for ever.
At this point I was at an all time low. I had nothing. I had lost the job and the woman I loved. After returning home to write notes to Kerry and for the police to find I left and made my way to the railway tracks.
2
2.1 Southside of Chicago, Illinois 20:30 Tuesday night
So, you've read the edited story of the last few years, and no doubt you've drawn you're own conclusions. Anyway, it's all over now. The train hit me head on at 20:09, I instantly died. I felt it was for the best. My life had run the course I had chosen for it, no – one can say if it was the right course, or indeed the wrong one. I have one regret which I'll share with you.
Gamma, Kerry, Mark. Besides Lucy and Abby, you meant the world to me. Please understand why I did this and explain to my family and the ER staff. I'm sorry I never did say this, but thank you for everything. I'm crying now, I can't say anymore.
John Carter: 1971 – 2001.
Can you blame me for what I did?
Detroit, Michigan 22:05, Tuesday night.
What a crap shift. Two kids sick down me, well, at least it was only 8 hours long. When I switched on the TV for the ten o'clock news I was surprised to hear an item on the Chicago El. Seems it had been delayed for 6 hours while a suicide was investigated. I wasn't particularly interested until I heard the name of the deceased. Dr. John Carter. I'm not sure what I felt ; I was cold and numb. Was this just the shock setting in, or did he mean nothing to me anymore. Did I not care, or was a distraught, on the edge of a breakdown myself? I'll leave with one rhetorical question. What would you be feeling in my position???????
Southside of Chicago, Illinois. 20:04 Tuesday night.
I made the wrong choices in my life. I know that now. But, just for my own reassurance I've written about what drove me to this. Read it and make your own decisions.
The problems and how I dealt with them caused this situation I face now. This situation, as I calmly describe it, is the one where I have ended up with nothing. The next question is the hardest to answer.
So, how did my life end up so bad? This is a question I ask myself as I wait for the next train to the football stadium, though not in the usual way. For me, it is my metaphorical way out of here. But, the answer to the riddle is again quite simple. I made the wrong choices. Oh, isn't hindsight a wonderful thing. Anyway, much as my ramblings must be interesting, I'll attempt to explain what they mean. My reflections begin on Valentines Day.
I wasn't having the greatest of days. Not only had Lucy been absent for most of it trying to treat Paul Sobricki, the ER was overrun and I had to cope with the new medical student Abby Lockhart having a hard time treating an old women with a respiratory disorder. Since she was relatively inexperienced I thought it would be better to stay with her and help her through it. I guess this was a slight excuse ; I hadn't been getting on all that well with Lucy and wanted to steer well clear of her. No such luck though, and our last exchange before the stabbing summed everything up.
"Lucy we have patients to see so get to it. There's a leg lac in 2 which requires attention," I berated her.
"But Carter," she replied, "This guy's displaying symptoms of schizophrenia, I think we should at least get a consult down."
"Just give him some meds and discharge him"
"You know what Dr. Carter, forget it, just forget it"
With that she just walked away, and I went back to work. Within minutes the old woman died, and someone mentioned that Abby had gone to the roof. Knowing that this case had hit her quite hard, I decided to go and find her. I'd like to think that our talk gave her some insight into life in the ER and I remember thinking that she will probably make a good doctor. As we travelled down in the elevator, I thought it would be better if I went to find Lucy, apologised, helped her with whatever she had left to do and took her to the party. Maybe even ask her to dance with me. It kind of struck me at that point that although I couldn't stand her sometimes, it hurt me when she wasn't there. Before I could pursue this line of thought the music from the party hit me and that put a stop to clear thinking.
After learning that Lucy was still in Curtain 3 I made my way down the corridor, casually rolling up my shirt sleeves. Entering the room, I assumed that because it was dark she had finished in here and had gone elsewhere. Just about to turn and leave, I spotted the card on the floor. Reading it, it occurred to me that Yosh was caring enough to make sure every woman in the ER had a card. On that count, he was a greater man than I. After that, I didn't really have any logical thoughts except pain and trying to grasp what was happening to me.
One thing I remember clearly though. As I fell to the floor something made me focus. Not 5 feet away from me was a face displaying the worst human emotion of them all. Fear. Nothing I have seen since has come close to the shock that that face gave me. Instantly I felt the pangs of guilt attack my throat. She was completely my responsibility while she was in the ER and I had allowed my stubbornness and pride to negate that responsibility. A sweet, innocent girl was lying on that floor, and a large proportion of the blame rested squarely on me.
You know what happened after this. Dr. Weaver found us, I was taken to Trauma 1 where I woke for the first time after the incident. The look of concern on Deb's face meant more to me than it should have. I knew something was wrong, and her two words "Dr. Kovac" confirmed it. From her tone of voice, I knew I was in trouble. Then a shooting pain went through my back, causing me to pivot to one side. It was then I realised that Lucy was in Trauma 2 as Weaver, Benton and Malucci worked on her. Deb confirmed to me that she was still alive.
I was taken upstairs and operated on immediately. When I came to, I was in a bed in the recovery ward. After being exturbated it took me a few minutes to regain my thoughts. Before long Benton came in to check on me. After a few strength exercises he had volunteered no information, so it was left to me to question him.
"How's Lucy doing?"
"Come on man, lift your leg"
"Man that hurts"
"I know, I'll get you something for the pain."
"Lucy's dead. Isn't she?"
"No Carter, but she's in a bad way. She came out of the OR a few minutes ago. Corday & Romano have done everything they can, it's up to her now to pull through."
Benton then gave me a few more instructions which I followed by instinct. My primary concern was Lucy. She wasn't out of the woods yet and even though I'm not a religious man, I offered a prayer to God that night in the desperate hope that she would survive.
3 days on and it seemed that my prayers had been answered. Lucy was out of danger. But, something that you may not know is that I heard this information second hand. I couldn't face Lucy as I had a good idea of what she might say, or rather, what she had the perfect right to say. For another week I kept up the pretence that she was probably to weak to have any visitors. This was the worst type of lie of them all. A lie to yourself.
Although I hadn't been discharged yet, my mobility was increasing and I could walk for a while with just crutches to support me. I was told that Lucy's condition was increasing rapidly and that she was asking to see me. So, with strength I didn't know I had I made it to her room, paused for a few seconds and then walked in.
My thoughts at this time were simple. People had got over the shock, now it was time for the inquest. However, to me, only one person mattered in this. Preparing myself for this ordeal I took a seat at the side of the bed and waited to her to wake up. When she did, I saw another terrible emotion in her eyes, this time it was recollection.
Struggling to stop the guilt turning to tears, I managed these words.
"I'm sorry Lucy"
She looked at me with pain and regret before stating.
"We let personal differences get in the way of our working relationship. Both of us had to pay a huge price for that"
The coldness she said that with warned me of what was to come.
"Why didn't you listen to me Carter?" she implored.
I couldn't give an answer. By now this conversation was completely one sided as I was doing all I could to prevent crying.
"Carter, I've made the decision to go back home for a while. I'll be back in the autumn to continue with med school. This is what I wanted to tell you, now please go, I don't want to be with you at the moment."
I then complied with her wish. Pausing as I reached the door I turned back, feeling her eyes on me. As our gaze met she looked away with what I assumed to be contempt. The sad thing was, I couldn't blame her. I've put her through a terrible emotional experience, injured her physically and put the brakes on her career.
As I tried to make it to my room I managed one positive thought. She would be back in the autumn. I could attempt to make it up to her then.
I was discharged 4 days later, and from there I made it back to my own flat. I hadn't been back to see Lucy since our short confrontation, and she had expressed no desire to see me, I thought it better that way.
It was two weeks until I was back at work, and I'd like to think that I accomplished something in that time. Truth was though, I didn't. OK, I continued with the training until I was almost back to full fitness, and I made peace with Gamma but I hadn't moved on mentally. I mean, for God's sake, how was I supposed to???? My failing had caused someone who depended on me to get stabbed. Lucy still occupied most of my thoughts in that fortnight and I couldn't find a way to release everything I was feeling.
Things worsened on my first day back at work, as soon as I walked into the lounge and went to my locker I noticed the one 2 down from it. 6 letters hit me. Letters I didn't need to see. KNIGHT.
At this point I dropped my crutches and attempted to bend over to retrieve them. While I was engrossed in this, Dr. Weaver walked in. Not knowing quite how to treat me she began with the formalities. "How are you John? Good to have you back" was all I really caught. I saw the next line coming.
"Lucy went to Boston yesterday"
"Yeah she did mention something. Kerry, I failed her, I don't blame her for wanting to get away from me from a while"
"She will be back John. Concentrate on repairing yourself before starting to make peace with her."
I could sense she was about to add to that comment, but the scream of
"Multiple MVA, 2 minors, 2 majors ETA 5 minutes"
saved us both. Ah, a trauma, exactly what I needed. Except, I wasn't allowed to take part. I think they said I wasn't in an appropriate physical condition. Busying myself with a head lac and a drunk in exam 2 I began what seemed like an endless day. Trouble was, the next 8 shifts I did were like this as well. Over 3 weeks, it is fair to say that my medical skills and knowledge were not tested to their fullest extent.
Anyway, over time I was slowly reintroduced to proper hospital life and I began to work on trauma's again. This should have been the end of the whole thing. Full stop. Closed book. Except it wasn't. I was having trouble sleeping at night and my back was giving me constant pain.
I think you know this part as well. It began as one or two pills to ease the pain. Slowly it went to one or two pills to get through the day. Then it went to straight injections just to get me through the shift. I was addicted, I just didn't know it. Looking back on it now, I can't believe that I went that long without being caught. I was making mistakes at work, I was irritable to be around and I was feeling full of guilt about Lucy. But you could of guessed that.
Anyway, I got caught, and by someone who I didn't know that well. Miss. Abby Lockhart. Since she was assigned to Malucci I hadn't seen much of her after that day. So, she caught me and told Weaver. Although I was mad at the time I know now it was the right decision and I thank her for it. Getting back to the story, I thought that I might be able to convince Weaver I was not on drugs. But, she asked me to lift up my watch and I knew I was done for. By the next morning I was in Atlanta, checked in for a 3 month rehabilitation program.
My experience in that place showed me the mistakes I had made and how to rectify them. Not to put to fine a point on it, I was in a mess. During that 3 months I managed to kick the drugs and get some serious thinking done. It sounds so easy, just flows off the tongue. Let me tell you, some of those nights were the hardest of my life. What drove me on was the fact that I knew I had to get back to Chicago and start over. I know it's a cliché but it was my focus during that time. "Things can only get better."
In that time I learnt about myself and I was ready to put that into practise as I got back to Chicago. I had to start to live by the AA maxim, "It works if you work at it"
My first day back at work was tough. I was treated like a child. Deservedly so. I couldn't write prescriptions, couldn't get involved in traumas and got stuck behind the proverbial mountain of paperwork. Still, I only had myself to blame. After my time in rehab I was a lot calmer and philosophical. Meet the nice side of John Carter, I mean, the one you haven't seen for six months.
After a meeting with Dr's Weaver and Greene, which involved a drug test I was allowed to go home. I couldn't though, I had something to do.
My priority that day was to find one Abby Lockhart. I didn't mention it before, but the names I called her after telling Dr. Weaver were to say the least, not kind. After learning that she was due on 1 hour after I finished I waited for her in the lounge. When she walked in there was another surprise waiting for me, although not one that bothered me at the time. She had her arm round Luka Kovac, who although I had respect for him, we didn't quite get along. I referred to him as a working acquaintance. I assume Abby had told him about the situation because he greeted me with a nod and "Carter" before backing out of the door. Finally, time to make amends.
"Abby"
"Carter"
"Look, over the last few months I have been feeling guilty about something (Apart from Lucy, that is). Even though my actions suggested otherwise, I realise now that you couldn't do anything but tell Weaver about what happened. It started me on the way to some sort of recovery. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me."
"Carter, you don't need me to forgive you. When you said those words, I knew it wasn't John Carter speaking, but, if it makes you feel better, there are no hard feelings"
The silence that followed was punctured by an obvious statement from me.
"Seems things have changed a little for you since I left"
"Yeah, Luka and I are doing well"
Our conversation was cut short by a shout warning us of an incoming trauma, which Abby had to attend to. As she dashed from the room I followed at a more sedate pace. However, two things distracted me before I left. One, a glare from Kovac, and two, the hospital photo board, where all doctors and nurses were listed. Somehow, one photo in the ER department caught my eye. Miss Lucy Knight.
It was now late August, she would be back in about a month. How would see treat me? I couldn't blame her if she was resentful towards me. I had let her down badly; it almost resulted in her dying. It was that simple. Black and White. At this point, I was feeling so low that I would have possibly taken drugs again. But, I forced myself to go to the AA meeting.
Ah, the meetings. As part of the hospital conditions I had to go to them, and I had been going since I got back from Atlanta. Listening to people "share" was awesome. It was a relief to know that there were others with the same kind of problems as me, more important, others who had survived those problems. I took strength from that.
The first 15 minutes of that nights meeting were as normal. Someone stood up to the podium at the front of the room and talked. Hearing their words, I was reminded of my time, 3 weeks ago. My very first at the front of this room.
"My name is John. And. And. And I'm addicted to painkillers."
The warm applause that rippled through the room was relief for me. I knew they had accepted me. After all, we were all equals in that room. But, back to tonight's meeting. Although it was still good, I couldn't quite relate to the opening speaker, an alcoholic who had been dry for three months. I had never sought comfort in the bottle, only with a needle. So, my attention began to wonder. Looking around the room, I rested my gaze on one person. Not someone who I expected to see in this place. Abby Lockhart. It suddenly occurred to me that I knew nothing about her. She could be in this room for any number of reasons, all of them I wanted to know. Not just for personal curiosity, but because someone like me had a similar problem. I think that she sensed she was being watched, because she turned her head. Her eyes widened in recognition, but she knew why I was here. Averting my gaze I resumed concentration on the meeting. As soon as it was finished though I made my way over to her.
"Wanna grab something to eat"
"Sure"
So, reaching the nearest diner we found a booth and sat down. After ordering a coffee each paused, not really knowing how to start a conversation. After all, we didn't know each other that well. Luckily, she had the courage to start.
"So I'm guessing you might like to know why I was there. I mean, you know why I was there, but, you don't know what my problem was."
"Yeah, something like that"
"I'm an alcoholic. A recovering alcoholic."
"How long have you been dry?"
"About 5 years I guess"
"Ever think about having a drink"
"All the time"
After this ice breaker we both grinned awkwardly at each other before taking a sip of coffee. It suddenly occurred to me that I had an unanswered question.
"Why did you start?"
A slight smile played on her mouth.
"A little blunt tonight aren't we Carter"
"Sorry"
"I don't mind ; I was trapped in a loveless marriage, I sought refuge in the bottle. It's that simple."
The note she ended that answer on told me not to press further into the matter. Suddenly though, I didn't want to, I had a new tack to pursue.
"Hang on, you said you'd been dry for 5 years right?"
"Yeah"
"So that means you could sponsor someone"
It took her a few seconds to realise what my statement was actually suggesting.
"I don't think that's such a good idea Carter"
"Oh come on, you're not going to make me ask a total stranger"
"Its not that I don't want to sponsor you, its just that I having enough trouble holding my own life together at the moment"
"Look just do it for a while, at least until I can find someone"
I could sense that she wanted to, but something was holding her back. In my opinion though, it was someone. Luka. Bastard. I knew he didn't like me, but my worry was that he could inspire that sort of fear in Abby. Anyway, I had put the compromise on the table, maybe she would go for it.
She pondered it for a few more seconds before giving an answer.
"OK, but, if I am going to sponsor you, we can start off by you telling me about yourself.
"Abby, thanks"
So, I told her as much as I could, or wanted to rather. I enlightened her as to my non existent relationship with my parents, Bobby, Chase and the stabbing. In return, she told me about her mother, her ex husband and Luka. That was a subject I wasn't too interested in.
It occurred to me that I felt at ease talking to this woman. Was it because she had experienced similar problems, so I knew she couldn't judge me. Or was it something else. My thoughts were broken by Abby.
"Carter its almost midnight. I should be going"
"Fine, do you want me to walk you home"
"No, I'll be fine, I live just around the block"
With that and a smile, she left. For the first time in a while, I felt slightly at ease with myself and I began to think about a more pressing matter. Lucy. She was back soon. What would happen when she came back? My thoughts lingered to before the stabbing. More specifically Exam 6. That kiss had been awesome. It was a well known fact that she could push my buttons, and I had felt a little something for her, although I acted like I hated her most of the time, which she seemed happy to reciprocate. I did think we would be okay together, but since we couldn't be I found it easier to act nasty to her in an effort to ignore my feelings.
I certainly thought that she would dislike me even more now. That theory made it easy to lay my old feelings to one side. Guilt now had replaced them. Hopefully though, I could try and build some bridges, I mean, I would be her resident for the rest of her rotation, I had to get along with her. These thoughts ended when I was informed the diner was closing. I made my way home and towards sleep. I didn't sleep well again that night. I still have nightmares of those eyes looking at me from under the gurney.
The next few weeks were strange. I continued going to the meetings with Abby and was getting back into work. I almost managed to shut Lucy out of my mind too. Then, one night in the diner Abby gave me something to think about.
"Luka broke up with me today"
My silence made it obvious that I didn't know how to respond. Truth was, I was stunned. Over time, I had developed some feelings for her. She was kind, unassuming, a good listener. She had a boyfriend though, she was off limits. Until now that was.
In the more immediate situation, I saw a chance to be the listener, to give her back some of the strength she had given me in the past few weeks. So, I just let her talk. Ramble would be more like it. From what she said, I think she knew that her and Luka weren't going anywhere. The hurt that she displayed though made me dislike Luka a touch more. The cold bastard. The evening ended with both of us feeling better. Her because she had someone to talk too, me because I thought there now could be something between us.
We were now spending a lot more time together at work as well. She was defiantly a great comfort and inspiration to me. If she could rebuild herself after addiction, so could I. Difference was though, she didn't have the guilt of the stabbing over her.
But, after coming out of Trauma 2 the next day, I realised it. I had to tell Abby I was falling for her.
Some half an hour later she came up to me and asked if I wanted to grab a bite with her when she got off, at the same time as me. I said yes, then spent the rest of the shift trying to summon up my reserves of courage. This business kept my mind away from the other reason I was going to need my courage. Tomorrow, Lucy comes back.
That night, we went over to Doc Magoo's. After sitting down, ordering and making small talk about the day I was shit scared. But, this had to be done.
Cutting her off in mid sentence, (something about Malucci) these were the words that came out of my mouth.
"Abby, I guess you've helped me through the last months, I, I, have grown to like you immensely. I guess I was kinda hoping that you, you know."
"No, I don't "know", Carter"
*She wasn't exactly helping here*
"Look, emm, oh God, this isn't exactly how I hoped it would be"
With that, I edged forward across the narrow table. She didn't meet me halfway, but she didn't back away either. Good sign. My lips met hers, and for a second I held them there then pulled back to my side of the table, suddenly taking a great interest in my hands. When I looked up again, she was smiling. Relief flooded through me.
After that, the rest of the night was comparatively easy. We chatted for a while longer and then went our separate ways. It suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't thought about Lucy for a few hours. She was coming back tomorrow. 9 o' clock.
As I went to sleep that night I had another nightmare. I was almost crying visualising that face under the gurney. Hang on, I just told Abby about my feelings. Shouldn't I be happy about that? Yes, I should. But this guilt was greater than any love I felt for Abby. I went to sleep thinking about a conundrum. Did I really love Abby if I could only think about Lucy?
I awoke the next morning to the harsh sound of the telephone. Glancing at the clock it was only 7:05. I was on at 9:00. As I answered it I was a little surprised to hear Deb's voice. I'd assumed it was Abby. Her tone was soft and apologetic, but I still didn't expect what was coming.
"John, I think its best you find out from me before you get here"
"Find out what"
"You know that you thought you would still be Lucy's resident as of today?"
"Yes"
"Weaver's just told me that I am now her supervisor"
"Why"
"Didn't say, listen John, we have a trauma, gotta go"
She hung up before I had a chance to. I was a little confused. I knew Lucy might still be upset, but this? I mean, we had worked together before when the atmosphere was frosty, couldn't we do it again? Then another question hit me ; Had she requested this, or was it Weaver's idea?
I got dressed and arrived at work 5 minutes early, hoping to question Kerry about the situation. Unfortunately, she was in a trauma and I couldn't get to her. After stowing my stuff in my locker I was accosted by Mark Greene. GSW 5 minutes out. Dressing in the unattractive yellow translucent gown, the safety glasses and the gloves we ran out to the Ambulance Bay. During the wait Mark tried to make small talk.
"She's back you know Carter"
"Yeah, I know. I also know she's being supervised by Chen, not me"
*A moments pause*
"That was Kerry's idea. Lucy only found out this morning. I was there when she told her. If its any consolation she looked a little disappointed"
My reply was drowned out by the sirens, and the trauma patient was swiftly unloaded. A hacksaw was jammed around his neck and the retaining clasp had been filed off. There was profuse bleeding where the saw was cutting into his neck. Shit, I thought, this was going to be a weird day. Whilst spending the next 40 minutes working on him and a boy who had put his leg in a bicycle wheel I was deep in thought. I was torn between wanting to see her and not having the guts to face her. Although I thought I saw her disappearing into Exam 3 I didn't follow.
My first sight of her came in Doc Magoo's. I had made my way over there since our coffee maker was broken. On my way up the steps, I saw her reflection in a window. She looked stunning. There was colour back in her face, and she seemed to exude her old enthusiasm. The scars were ugly though, especially the one across her neck. I suspected the ones across her chest would look worse. But, considering I had caused them, what right had I to complain about how they looked. Without thinking, I turned and ran. I just preyed she hadn't seen me. At that point, I didn't think I could handle seeing her. The rest of the shift was quiet, so I busied myself with paperwork. I was just about to leave when I was asked to take a look at an x – ray. Malucci mumbled something about a second opinion. Turning off the room lights I lit up the board, and gave him my synopsis of it, which confirmed what he had thought. With that he left the room. Bending down to tie my shoe, I shut off the x - ray board and went to leave the room. Then I saw her ; She had somehow managed to slip in without me hearing her and was leaning against a medicine cabinet, illuminated in the half light of the corridor spilling in. She looked radiant. A slight smile flickered on her lips. "Hey Carter" was her opening.
Struggling to speak, I managed to croak
"Hi" There was a short pause before Lucy began what I assume was a premeditated speech.
"You know Carter. I don't blame you. Whatever I said, ignore it. There was nothing you could have done. There was no way you could of known he would do that"
"You told me ; I could of examined him, I mean, it cost us both. I should have listened."
"And both of us have paid a price for what happened. Dr. Weaver told me about the guilt you feel, what it drove you to. I think you've punished yourself enough, don't you."
By now I couldn't even face her. The way she was talking almost made me feel worse than if she would have hated me. Staring at the floor I whispered,
"If I had just been hurt as a result of my error, I could of dealt with that. But you didn't deserve it. I could of got Malik to sit with him, got security down, anything. But I didn't. Everyday I wake up and remind myself of that, it will never go away from me"
She paused before considering her words.
"Carter, you're not the first doctor to ignore a student, and you sure won't be the last. If I can see that you are not to blame, surely you can start to forgive yourself?"
Wow, she had certainly given me something to think about. After that exchange, she walked over to me and forced my head up until our eyes met. Her next words reassured me.
"I mean it Carter"
With that she turned and left, leaving me sitting on a medicine cabinet in the darkness. Her parting shot was something about hearing about me and Abby, congratulations. I had no idea where she had found that out and to this day I still don't. It was going to take time to sort things with Lucy for good, build bridges I think I said earlier. Well, she had certainly laid the foundations, it was up to me to carry on from here.
If I learnt one thing from this, it was to respect Lucy. She was right before, she would be right many times to come. The sooner I got that into my head, the better our relationship would become.
Thanks to a trauma that came in 10 minutes before I was due to leave I ended up leaving half an hour late. When I got to my locker there were two notes lying on the top shelf. One was from Abby, inviting me over to watch a film that evening. The other was from Lucy and it simply stated that she didn't ask to be placed with Deb, she'd rather be with me. More words of encouragement. This girl was a miracle of creation. On top of being intelligent, caring and sexy. No, scrub that, I'm with Abby now. She was able to forgive me as well, or at least it seemed that way. With my mind working in overdrive I set off to Abby's.
After eating and finding that "The Thing" was showing on CBS, we settled into her sofa. The film was utter crap. Within 10 minutes we had lost all interest in it and were kissing passionately. Since neither of us were on till noon tomorrow you can guess where it went from there.
Waking up the next morning though, I allowed my thoughts to drift back to last night. Abby's mind wasn't in it. It seemed like she didn't wasn't to be there. That she didn't enjoy being underneath me. More questions to answer. Only, they were unanswerable ones. Did she want this relationship as much as me?
She had also told me that she couldn't be my sponsor any more, now that we were involved. I knew that, and the mental note of finding a new sponsor was added to my list of tasks.
For the next fortnight, due to a strange shift pattern we hardly saw each other. The one time I did ring her and ask if she wanted to get together, she told me that she was tired. Being in a similar position myself, I accepted that.
I think it's best if I tell you the next part of the story from Lucy's point of view. It still hurts to think about it. Anyway.
*Lucy*
God I'm having a tough day. Lost 2 patients this morning, one in surgery with Dr. Corday. She seems nice, willing to help me and answer questions. Why wasn't Carter like that? But Romano, disgusting. Staring at my tits like that. Did he think I would notice? Or should I be flattered that he was staring at me and not Dr. Corday? Come on Luce, don't indulge yourself in self praise. Finally, time for some sleep. I think exam 4 is clear. But, just as I was about to go in, I heard voices.
Luka ; We made a mistake.
Abby : I know.
Luka : Why did you go to Carter?
Abby : He was desperate. I needed to feel someone depend on me. You didn't give me that feeling.
Luka : I depend on you more than you realise. You hold me together. I broke up with you last time because I saw you getting close to Carter. I thought it would be a chance to see where you stood. I never thought you would go to him on the rebound.
Abby : I see now that Carter's not right for me. I thought that it would make you jealous and well, you know. He was a friend. It's impossible to go back to that now. I have to finish with him ; Give me a week.
With that I took a glace through the semi open blinds. The sight of Abby and Luka kissing each other filled me with disgust. Carter didn't deserve this ; That bitch cheating on him 3 weeks into a relationship. She had used him. She didn't deserve him.
I knew I had to tell Carter. It was no use him hearing this through idle gossip. It would break him down again, but it had to be done. I knew he came on in 20 minutes, and after leaving a message with Randi I headed to the roof, where he was to meet me.
Sure enough, 25 minutes later he opened the hatch and climbed out, bearing 2 cokes. For once it was quite warm out here. I set about this task, reminding myself that it was because I cared for him that I was doing it. Hang on, did I just say I cared for Carter. Wow.
"Hey Luce"
"Carter"
"Randi said you needed to see me"
"Yeah, Carter, listen. Do you think Abby is the one for you, I mean, have you connected with her"
"Yes. She's experienced everything I have with drugs. She understands. Were happy in our relationship"
"Carter, I, I, I don't think there will be a relationship much longer"
"Luce, you're making no sense. What are you talking about?"
"Carter, I hate to be the one to tell you but I've just seen Luka and Abby kissing downstairs. She said she would break up with you within a week"
He looked at me strangely. Then sound came from him.
"No, No Luce. Why would you say that? You said you had forgiven me, yet you're trying to hurt me. Why, why would you do this? You're just jealous, that's it"
With that he turned and ran, I thought I heard him choking back tears. As he went back into the hatch to exit to roof I thought I heard him shout some obscene name at me. Although I didn't deserve it I knew I had just shattered him to pieces. I couldn't hold it against him. It was basic psyche training, when someone hurts you, you want to hurt them. What was said by Carter didn't actually mean anything, it was just human nature. God, I wonder what he is thinking now.
*Back to Carter*
*Carter's Thoughts*
Lucy Knight. I wish I'd never heard the name. Why does she do this to me? First thing I'm going to do is find Abby and tell her what Lucy said. I saw her going into Exam 2. Maybe she's still in there. Why won't this bloody lift go any faster? At last. Right, the board says she is still in 2. Hang on, isn't that Kovac going in there. Bastard. What does he want? Oh, lets just get rid of him and – oh God.
Yes, you've guessed it. At the point I looked in through the window they were kissing. Lucy was right. I couldn't believe what Abby had done to me. All I could do was run back up to the roof where I had forgotten that Lucy was. This was tricky, unable to go back, unwilling to go forward. Looking back, it sort of typified my life as a whole. What a time to become a master philosopher. I strode out of the lift and climbed out onto the roof. Lucy was still there, looking over Chicago and thinking. She turned.
"Come to apologise for what you called me" was her hard opening.
"I saw them. Kissing" With that I was gone and crying. I had thought that I was starting to pick up the pieces of my life that were scattered over time. One of the major cornerstones, Abby, had just fallen out and I couldn't hold it together any more.
Lucy tried her best to wrap her frame around mine and comfort. To her credit, she didn't tell me to stop crying and the classic phrase "It will be all right" wasn't spoken. I silently thanked her for that. After about 10 minutes of crying more rational thoughts returned to my head, such as how could a woman act like this. Not Abby, Lucy. For her tiny physique, she was a woman of great stature. How else could she forgive me for everything? But Abby, that was a different story. She hadn't wanted a relationship with me, ever. She was doing it out of pity. I hated that. It was unbelievable that someone who I thought I was falling in love with could do that. I was sure Kovac had a part in it though. Bastard. It suddenly occurred to me that they had no idea that me and Lucy knew about them. They would pay for this. But that was an idea for later, now I had to talk with Lucy.
"Thank you" I whispered
"I'm so sorry Carter"
I was touched by that. I knew by her voice and eyes that it was genuine sorrow and pain that a friend had been hurt, not just the pity I assumed Abby had felt for me.
We stayed talking for a few more minutes and then I left. I had been absent for the best part of an hour, I had to go and do some work. As I was stitching up a drunk in Curtain 2 I was thinking that things were a mess again. I mean, Abby had done this to me and on top of that feelings for Lucy were reappearing again. Exam 6 types of feelings. All I could say to myself was that what goes around comes around. I had these feelings before the stabbing, but they had gone out of my mind at the same time as guilt and worry replaced them. And there was hospital policy of course; there was no way I could act on them.
As my mind meandered its way through these thoughts I was disturbed by raised voices coming from the next room. Voices I recognised. Oh Shit.
Running next door I immediately saw Abby and Lucy shouting at each other with Luka trying to calm them down. Before I entered the room I caught a few words.
"Please don't tell John, I love him"
I pushed open the door and simply said "John already knows". With a frightening burst of range I sprung forward and caught Luka with a beautiful hook on the chin. As he fell to the floor I just told him that you don't kiss another man's girlfriend. With a glare at Abby and telling her not to bother apologising I directed Lucy out of the room. Again I was touched by the way she so obviously cared about me. Finding a empty room we sat down.
"Thank you" I started.
"For what"
"For caring enough to go and shout at Abby"
"You don't deserve that hurt John. Someone had to sort out that bitch. You weren't going to and so, well, you know the next bit"
"She didn't know what she had with you. She doesn't deserve your integrity, compassion and your 1001 other great qualities"
Her pager went off at that point and she backed away towards the door before saying
"By the way, nice hook on Kovac."
Oh shit. Luka. He would be after my blood now. It then hit me that after the initial shock of what had transpired that afternoon, I wasn't too sorry about it. I guess I knew things weren't working out with Abby that night we had sex. When she wasn't really interested, I kind of knew it would never work between us but I just didn't want to admit it. Oh well, another failed relationship on the chart.
About a month went by and it was becoming harder to deny those feelings. Instead of having nightmares of Lucy lying underneath that gurney about to die, I was now pleasantly dreaming of how Exam 6 might of continued had we not been interrupted. I knew I wanted to find out, but did she? If I have learnt anything lately, it's that sorting out a problem makes you feel better. Now I had to screw up my courage and face Lucy about it. I decided this one Thursday night, and after checking her shifts I decided to go to her place that Saturday morning at confront her. I remembered where she lived after I dropped some books off there once. So, on that Saturday, I drove to her house at 10am and walked to her apartment. Its at this moment the self doubt set it, and I rung the bell before I had a chance to turn back. She was wearing a dressing gown and her hair was a mess. The look on her face was a picture, I was the last person she expected to see. After a few seconds to collect her thoughts, she invited me in. I declined a drink and a seat because I wanted to be ready for a quick exit. I began to speak.
"Luce, after what happened, I was scared to face you. Once you cleared the air between us I felt better. Your support when Abby broke it off with me was invaluable. It then occurred to me what I felt for you before the stabbing. I was considering asking you out. I know you're a student and its forbidden but I was desperate to. Truth is, I feel a lot for you. If you don't feel the same way its fine, but you were honest with me and I feel that I owe it to you to be the same. Anyway, I've said my bit, I'll go now."
During my little soliloquy I hadn't looked at her. Indeed, on my way out I didn't notice her creep up behind me, place her arms on my shoulders and turn me around. Looking into her eyes I felt that she might feel the same way. The ensuing kiss confirmed it. Quite how we ended up in bed I don't know, but I do know that it was a massive release for both of us, and I had the gut feeling that she could be the one. After Abby though, I decided to let time reveal if she was. She felt enough for me though to ignore the rules. I think "sod them" were her exact words.
She was now asleep by my side and I suppressed a chuckle as I thought of something I had learnt today. That naïve, proper Miss Lucy Knight would sleep with someone on the metaphorical first date. She must have done it a few times though, since she was fantastic in bed. That's all you need to know.
The next 6 months were awesome. Lucy was by my side for every one of them and we managed to keep our relationship a secret from everyone at the hospital. It's probably the worst cliché of them all, but she made me whole again. All of my problems were gone. Abby, the guilt from the stabbing, drugs. I was in the running for chief resident and life was great. Then everything went off the rails. It started in April.
I swear there was no – one in the corridor of the adjacent exam rooms when I kissed Lucy in the lounge. The kiss lasted for no more than 5 seconds but when we broke apart Dr Romano was standing there. I suddenly experienced a sinking feeling in my stomach when I saw his face. His words were even worse. There was no point trying to bluff our way out of this one.
"Dr Carter, Miss Knight, last time I checked you were resident and med student correct.
"Yes"
"You are aware of hospital policy on how those two parties should act in the duration of the teaching spell"
"Yes"
"Then you know the penalty. You are both fired, effective immediately. Clear out your lockers, hand over your patients and leave the building within the hour."
With that he turned and left. By now Lucy was crying. Running to the door I spotted Helah. Shouting to her to come in here and comfort Lucy I sprinted to Dr Weaver's office. After explaining to her everything that had happened, including when our relationship started she assured me she would go upstairs immediately and attempt to negotiate with Romano. After seeing her onto the lift I returned to Lucy. I remember explaining to her what I had done, she didn't say a word to me during it. She had a glazed look in her eyes, I could guess what she was thinking. "Everything I worked for has gone". I could only hope Kerry could talk Romano round, if not for me then for Lucy. I felt the guilt returning, if I had kept a lid on my feelings until after she graduated then this wouldn't have happened. Have I ruined this girls life for a second time?
It was then that the door opened. I could tell by the look in Kerry's face the jig was up. She started to say something.
"I tried John, her wouldn't listen. If it was up to me I would have given you a warning and transferred Lucy to another resident. But Romano, he can't bear to see happiness. I tried to tell him he was destroying two great careers, but he said that if I protested his decision then I would lose my job as well. I'm sorry John."
"It's OK, you did everything you could."
She left the room. Lucy was now clearing out her locker ; I proceeded to do the same. In silence. Finally she asked, "What are we going to do?" I felt ashamed to answer "I don't know"
With that we finished packing and left the room in silence. I couldn't help but feel nostalgic. This would be the last time I ever left this ER. There were lots of memories here. After giving our patients to Dr. Weaver, we turned towards the exit. We were met by a wall of people, none of whom could quite believe what was happening.
Kerry had obviously told them what happened because Dr Greene spoke.
"This isn't right Carter. You are a great Doctor, and Lucy will make a great Doctor. You don't deserve this, we will do our best to fight it for you"
With that everyone came forward and offered us their support, even Luka and Abby. Then everyone suddenly stopped and looked busy. Romano had just stepped off the lift. Everyone stared coldly at him. He didn't seem to care and said.
"Dr. Carter, Miss Knight, you still here? And, if anyone wants to argue the case with me they can follow these two out of the door. Understood?"
He left, and so did we.
On the drive back to my flat Lucy finally spoke.
"John, this is bad. You have your licence, you can still practise. I can't. What are we going to do?"
"I'm going to try and get some locum work for the time being, then maybe go to Mercy or North Western for a job. I'll ring Kerry and ask if she can arrange for you to continue med school elsewhere"
With that she fell silent again. In 2 days I had some work at a local private practise and Kerry found Lucy a berth at Detroit General hospital to continue med school.
I offered to pay for Lucy to move to Detroit, I assumed that after she graduated in 3 months she could find a residency in Chicago and then we would be together again. Unfortunately she had other ideas. Ideas that would finally close the door on my life.
Within a day I had arranged some accommodation for her in Detroit, and had her stuff shipped there. It was as she went to leave that she finally told me how she felt. It was like this.
1.1 Union Station 10:09 Tuesday Morning
"Carter, everything's a mess. Everything's gone wrong. It's made me reassess my future. I've been offered a provisional residency in Psyche in Detroit. I think I'm going to take it. Since it will mean that I will hardly see you, (she choked) I think we should spilt up."
"But Luce……"
"No John, we can do better on our own now"
Knowing when Lucy was sure and definite, I knew this was the end for us. We kissed, one final time and she stepped on the train. Within minutes, Lucy Knight disappeared from John Carter's life for ever.
At this point I was at an all time low. I had nothing. I had lost the job and the woman I loved. After returning home to write notes to Kerry and for the police to find I left and made my way to the railway tracks.
2
2.1 Southside of Chicago, Illinois 20:30 Tuesday night
So, you've read the edited story of the last few years, and no doubt you've drawn you're own conclusions. Anyway, it's all over now. The train hit me head on at 20:09, I instantly died. I felt it was for the best. My life had run the course I had chosen for it, no – one can say if it was the right course, or indeed the wrong one. I have one regret which I'll share with you.
Gamma, Kerry, Mark. Besides Lucy and Abby, you meant the world to me. Please understand why I did this and explain to my family and the ER staff. I'm sorry I never did say this, but thank you for everything. I'm crying now, I can't say anymore.
John Carter: 1971 – 2001.
Can you blame me for what I did?
Detroit, Michigan 22:05, Tuesday night.
What a crap shift. Two kids sick down me, well, at least it was only 8 hours long. When I switched on the TV for the ten o'clock news I was surprised to hear an item on the Chicago El. Seems it had been delayed for 6 hours while a suicide was investigated. I wasn't particularly interested until I heard the name of the deceased. Dr. John Carter. I'm not sure what I felt ; I was cold and numb. Was this just the shock setting in, or did he mean nothing to me anymore. Did I not care, or was a distraught, on the edge of a breakdown myself? I'll leave with one rhetorical question. What would you be feeling in my position???????