Batman runs for mayor

I don't own Batman.

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Batman was walking down the road one morning when suddenly he was struck by lightning. Too stunned even to fall over, he stood as a rigid burned statue until an ambulance came to take him to the hospital. But while he was on the way to the hospital, Batman woke up. Commissioner Gordon moved to restrain him. "Now don't move, you'll only hurt yourself more!" he said in a worried manner.

Batman was too full of energy to be restrained by a mere man. He leapt onto the ambulance bed and pointed a big meaty finger in Gordon's face while shouting, "YOU'RE SHORT CIRCUITING MY MIND JOHNNY FIVE!" Then he gave Gordon a good roundhouse kick to the face, ripped out the ambulance driver's spine, and drove the vehicle to the batcave.

Nothing was clear anymore-but what was clear was that Batman could be Batman no longer, so he threw away his old suit and made a new bright pink suit with anime eyes and a cotton candy mane. "I AM THE BATMAN OF PONIES EN ARRGH. I MUST FIGHT CRIME IN A MANNER BEFITTING MY NEW STATURE."

So the next morning Batman went down to city hall so that he could represent the conservative party in the mayoral elections going on right fucking now. Since he was no longer Batman, Batman could wear his pink suit with its bright pink fur, anime eyes and cotton candy mane out in day and even in the debates. "Batman, why would you be the best person for mayor?" asked the small child planted into the audience just to ask this question so that Batman would look like a dick if he fucked up.

"Well bitch, I am the fucking Batman and I am TOUGH ON CRIME. When I am running this shit hole, I will put all the criminals behind bars where they can make consumer goods in our Jolly Prison and Entertainment Gulag, or JPEGs, as I call them. In the gulag the criminals will be working for longer hours and less pay, so we can make goods at a lower price than China and we will finally pay off America's debt. This is my thesis. Teehee," Batman giggled and fluffed his cotton candy mane.

"HOLD THE PHONE!" shouted a voice from the sidelines. Holy shitting Jesus it was the Joker!

The Joker jumped onto the podium. "What do you people think you're doing? This can't be the real Batman!"

"OF COURSE I'M FUCKING BATMAN, BUT RIGHT NOW I AM ALSO TWINKIE PIE." Batman shouted.

"Cursed imposter, say your prayers! I'm here to kill you!" shouted the Joker. He ran up to Batman and squeezed his joke flower. Water came out and landed on the cotton candy mane, turning it into goop.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" shouted Batman. "NO, THE CANDY HAS GOTTEN INTO MY ANIME EYES! AUG."

The Joker laughed maniacally. All hope for the conservative party seemed lost. But then the clock struck noon. Since the Joker recreated his mind every day, and since he was nocturnal, that meant it was time for a new brain to grow out of the puss spewing mess of the old one. And it did.

"Batman, I am now okay with your alternative lifestyle," said the Joker.

Then the Joker moved into Batman's house and went to college.

THE END