Title: Alter Boys Have The Best Drugs
Author: Niki Blue
Rating: R, for drug use
Character(s): Charlie Pace
Summary: "He didn't need it, but he liked to know it was there."

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At first, it was just to know that they were there.

Just to know that they were there if he needed them. And he didn't need them, not at first anyway. He didn't need them but he liked to know that they were there.

At first, he didn't need to see them. Just knowing, in the back of his mind that they were there was enough.

When he was forgotten about, disregarded, underestimated; he knew that they were there and it was enough. When Claire's betrayed face was imprinted on the backs of his eyelids, he knew that they were there and it was enough.

When Locke cast him suspicious glances, he knew that they were there and that was enough.

And if his skin felt too tight for his bones when he thought about them, he ignored it. Because that wasn't important. What was important was that they were there if he needed them.

And if his gums itched when he thought about them, he tried not to think about it. Because they were there and that was all that mattered.

Then it stopped being enough that they were just there.

He had to see them.

He had to touch them.

And so he holed himself up with them. And feeling it's reassuring weight in his palms and running his calloused fingers over her ceramic cheeks was enough. He didn't need them, he just needed to touch them and know that they were there if he needed them.

And if Eko watched him a little more carefully than he did the others, it didn't matter. Because he could touch them and they were there if he needed them.

When Jack dismissed him, it was ok. Because he could hold them and their weight reassured him. They were there if he needed them, but he didn't need them.

And then it was't enough just to hold it and mold his palms to the ridges of the ceramic. It wasn't enough to know what was was inside, he had to see what was inside. Just to make sure that it was really there. There if he needed it.

But he didn't need it.

He just wanted to know. To see.

He burried the baggies under the jagged porcelain pieces.

The Virgin's face stared up at him, accusing, until he crushed it into nothing more than powder with the heel of his hand.

Because who was she to judge him?

He wasn't using. He just wanted to know that they were there if he needed them. And he didn't need them. He just needed to know.

So when Sawyer snarked about how useless he was, he ignored him. Because he could pinch the powder in his fingerstips and know that it was there if he needed it.

But he didn't need it.

And when Claire looked at him like he was beneath her, he didn't care. Because he could dip his fingers into it and taste a little bit of it on his tongue, just so that he'd know.

Just so that he'd know that it was there if he needed it.

And he didn't need it.