Dean and I
By J. Tupper
In the year since living and hunting with the boys I learned a few new things, Sam always hides his expensive frou-frou shampoo in the same spot in the showers, Cas can sit cross-legged like a little child for hours listening to you read to him, and you can make Dean do anything with the offer of making a fresh pie at home in the bunker. I had already grown up in a hunter family so I knew my fair share, but the boys brought a more human aspect to being a hunter. I was always raised to kill, kill, kill, there is no grey area, just bad. My father always told us stories that we were descendant from great hunters and had skill, agility, and hunting in our blood. That we'd never fall, never fail. That attitude was exactly what got my whole family killed, my Father, Mother, Brother, and Sister. It wasn't for the boys tracking the same nest of vampires, I would have been dead myself.
I saw my family slaughtered one by one. Skill had been waylaid by ego and my Fathers pride was what did him in first. He was so sure he had the strength to charge in head first, without thinking, catch them unaware. Ego is a terrible thing. They toyed with my Mother while they sliced my Sisters throat, making her watch as they tore my Brother limb from limb. They attacked my Mother all at once to silence her screaming. I was all that was left, I was backed up against a tree, raging with vengeance and seething with hatred. It didn't matter if I lived or died at that point, as long as I took a few down with me. Six gathered in front of me frothing at the mouth, debating on whether to kill me in retaliation for killing their kin, eat me, or turn me and watch my pain as I became one of them.
The boys appeared out of nowhere and took two of them down without much of a fight as the vampires were so focused on me. Seething red, I beheaded one and stabbed the other in the heart before cutting off his head screaming obscenities. Angered, injured, devastated and totally exhausted, I passed out. I could hear fighting in the distance, but it became a blur and everything went black. The last thing I remember was a voice saying, "she's awesome." I woke up in a motel room a few hours later, having my injuries cleaned up by Sam. I knew who they were the instant my eyes laid on them, not a hunter alive doesn't know these two. The Idiots who started the Apocolypse and the Idiots who stopped it.
"Hey take it easy. You've got a pretty bad gash on your forearm and another on your shoulder. I'm going to need to stitch it up ok?" He spoke with concern.
"Over on the chair, beds shake too much for stitches, more painful." I croaked out, achingly got out of the bed and tried to steady myself. Dean grabbed my arm as I wavered and helped me to the chair. I can remember that night as easy as it was yesterday.
"Was that your family or were you trying to save them?" Dean asked. He sat on the bed across from me handing me a beer, a look of sadness on his face, he already knew the answer.
"My family. We were tracking a nest of Vampires that had blown through our neck of the woods, but...pride goeth before the fall." Tears streamed down my face.
"So you're a hunter? We didn't know there were any hunters on this case." Sam spoke up, his voice so calm and soothing.
"Nomads really, hunting never did leave an opening for a real home. We traveled around the country in a beat-up RV. Dad said we were descendant of great hunters and it was our duty to kill all monsters. I know it sounds crazy but he swears up and down claims that were my Sister and I got our intuition from." I cracked open the beer and chugged.
"Sounds familiar, are you...are you a Cromwell? I remember reading something about the Cromwell family of hunters in Dad's journal." Dean sounded impressed, almost smiled but stopped himself remembering they just salted and burned my family.
"Yes I am and you are Apocalyptic Seal Breaker and Demon Blood."
"Huh, well yeah I guess you know all about us then." Dean the charmer, so poetic.
"Get some sleep, in the morning we'll swing back and get your things and your coming home with us if that's alright with you?" Sam helped me back to the bed and covered me up.
"Safer with the Winchesters than on my own, but don't expect me to be happy or functioning for a while, I just might go on a bender to feel something other than this."
"No better drinking buddy than me sweetheart." That fantastic Dean charm. I stuck my tongue out at him and drifted to sleep.
That night changed my whole life. The boys offered me a home, training and a partnership, I brought home cooked meals and sarcastic wits the sights they'd never seen. Sam said the bunker seemed more like home after I came along, a respite from Dean and his 'antics'.
The first couple of months seemed to fly. Hunting was interesting, to say the least. Most of the time I seemed to end up being bait for whatever we were hunting. Not the worst thing in the world I suppose taught me how to hide things on my body. It's amazing the things you can cram into boots, not to mention my bra. That was always the one area monsters never searched, imagine that. My family would never have done anything like that. It was altogether in a group that way everyone's back was covered. He was too afraid of losing us to let us go alone on hunts. Hunting with the boys was like amateur hour compared to my family, but it also taught me to rely on myself more instead on what I grew up with.
Sparring with Dean in the bunkers gym was always a highlight. He taught me tricks my parents never did and honed some skills I already had. He would try to catch me off guard but time after time he failed, always ending up on his back on the floor. He'd play mad but we both knew he enjoyed it. Sam could fight but chose not too, he thought I'd be better helping him research. Always impressed by my ability to speed read through large volumes and still retain the information, not quite a photographic memory but close enough.
I spent my days in the bunker in either in the shooting range, or the gym. I still had flashbacks of that night and my family. I still had plenty of issues to work out, anger and fear so those two spots in the bunker were like second nature to me. Practice with various guns started throwing knives and tomahawks. Either come in handy out on a hunt and either is easy to conceal. I would just put in my earbuds, blare some classic rock and fire away. The boys let me work out my inner demons without complaint, hell we all have them to some degree. I had money left over from my family stashed away so I didn't feel so bad about wasting the bullets, I always replaced more than I used. I could never catch him, but I was always aware Dean was in the range watching me. You could smell him, cheap soap, leather, engine grease and whiskey.
The nights were harder, I couldn't get a handle on my nightmares. That first night in the bunker I woke sweaty and screaming. Sam came running into my room and calmed my fears. He sat with me and talked until the wee hours of the morning. He knew the anguish of the nightmares, my sympathetic shoulder to cry on. He became my best friend that night by letting me cry until no more tears came out. When the tears dried up, I told him about growing up a hunter. We exchanged stories and shared a few beers, then he held me tight until I fell asleep. This became a nightly ritual for the first month I was there. I would wake up screaming and he would come running. He'd climb into bed with me, hold me tight and just talk. Nothing funny ever happened, he never once stepped out of line, he just knew how I felt and how I needed someone. Even though Sam was the first one to come running that night I could smell Dean. Almost every night he hovered out in the hallway, sitting against the wall, listening to me talk. No one ever acknowledged he was there or that he did it every night, but every morning he'd smile and bring me a coffee.
The nightmares only lasted a little over a month before they subsided, but that didn't deter Dean from stopping by each night with the offer to talk, but as soon as Sam would stop by to say goodnight, he'd mumble something about chick flick moments. Sam would smile and laugh and I still have no idea why it was funny.
Grocery runs were interesting. I didn't understand how Dean could eat junk food day in and day out and stay in shape, it was a medical anomaly. It always felt like we were shopping for either a middle-aged vegan or a teenage boy. Both seemed like they had bottomless pits. They were spoiled rotten though, I could bake like there was no tomorrow. Dean couldn't wait to get into the kitchen to see what pie I baked that day.
I had almost read a quarter of the books in the library after the first three months of living in the bunker. If we weren't on a hunt, my time not spent in the range or gym, I was curled up in a leather chair in the library. I learned more from those books than I ever had from my family. I would get so wrapped up in those books hours would drag by. Sometimes I'd stay up too late reading and would wake up in my own bed. Sam swore up and down that it wasn't him that would move me. He would just smile and point at Dean when he wasn't looking. The months flew by, reading, shooting, working out, hunting, rinse and repeat.
I'd lose all sense of time until the boys would come home from their trips to the bar. I used to go with them but it was always the same, Dean would hit on anything with tits, Sam would give him bitch face over his choice, Sam would spend the rest of the night talking to me about anything under the moon while shaking his head disapprovingly at Dean. Guys would periodically come up to the booth and try to hit on me and one by one they'd learn to regret it.
"Hey sweetcheeks, how bout you give old college boy the heave hoe here and come dance with a real man?" He was the third drunken idiot to hit on me that night.
"Beat it Clay Aiken, if I wanted to listen to a whiny bitch I would have stayed a lesbian." Shocked and taken aback the drunkard left the booth but not before calling me a bitch. I stuck out my foot and tripped him up, he landed flat on his face. I could see Dean out of the corner of my eye talking to the bouncers. They walked over and escorted the asshole out the front door and Dean went back to chatting it up. I hated to see Dean with other women, but I could never admit that I'd fallen for him.
Sam watched my eyes, he followed their gaze across the room to Dean. He was chatting it up with the new waitress, giving her some of his lame ass lines.
"So, how long have you been in love with my brother?" He smirked.
I almost spit out my beer. "What!? Me in love with Dean? Nah Nah Nah, no I'm not in love with Dean. I mean you guys are like my brothers. Wouldn't that be Wincest or something" I tried to deflect with my classic sarcasm?
"That was not convincing at all. Seriously, how long?" He just smiled, he wasn't making fun of me in the slightest, he seemed genuinely curious.
I chugged my beer and sighed, "Sam, it's just, I can't, if I admit that then it will screw everything up. You guys are my only family now, I can't just admit it and throw that all away because... damn Sam, I'm not his type. I'm not big titted and dumb. He seems to think I'm nerdy like you. Hell, last week I heard him telling Cas that he didn't understand why you and I weren't dating already."
"Don't worry, Dean's as oblivious to you as you are to him. You two are like to high school kids that can't man up and tell each other how you feel."
"Whatever Sam...wait what?!" I couldn't believe what he said my hands flailed and I knocked the rest of my beer off the table. The shattering glass caught the attention of those around the bar including Dean. He tilted his head with a curious look on his face, Sam just grinned back at him like an idiot and my face went full on red. I tried to cover my face with my hands. Dean walked over and handed me a new beer.
"You alright? Sammy boring you to the point you had to created a distraction just to get me to save the day?" He smirked, classic Dean.
"I uh, no, he just, we were just talking about..." I couldn't think of anything to say, his eyes just pierced through my soul. He winked at me.
"Don't wait up for me, I'll catch a ride home." He tossed the keys to Baby to Sam as he walked back to the bar where the waitress was eyeballing him adjusting her push-up bra.
"Think about what I said. He's making us think he's going home with her, but he's not. He'll wait until we leave then give her some excuse, sneak in the bunker and hide in his room until morning. He's been doing that for the last month now."
"Then why can't he just say something. I'm not a total idiot, I see him staring at me all the time. He's saved my ass a few times on hunts, last month when we were up in Oregon chasing that Wendigo, I woke up to him holding my hand in the car."
"See, doesn't that tell you something?"
"No, no it doesn't because that was the same trip I woke with you spooning me yelling about saving you from the clown." I laughed and smacked his shoulder. I could see Dean out of the corner of my eye glaring at Sam. "You guys think of me as your sister, he can't love me, its fine, besides he should know better by now Sam. You're my best friend, hell the only friend I've ever had in my entire life that wasn't my actual family. If its alright with you, I'd like to go home now. This has been a stimulating conversation but I would like to get some sleep." I stood up and pulled Sam out of the booth, he started laughing and acted as if he weighed a thousand pounds. Dean walked over shaking his head.
"Yeah that's not gonna happen, she's uh...on her monthly." He was clearly lying, Sam and I could see her waiting for him toward the back of the bar. "Let's roll." He winked at me and pulled Sam outta the booth a little too roughly.
The ride back to the bunker was odd and silent. As soon as we got home I bid the boys good night and walked to my room. I couldn't get the conversation with Sam out of my head, I wasn't as tired as I thought anymore. I picked up my iPod, shoved my earbuds in and picked up the guitar. I strumming along to Peace of Mind by Boston. The music was too loud for me to hear the boys arguing in the library.
"Dean, I wasn't hitting on her. We did the same thing we always do, we talked about hunting, our lives and you. She doesn't like me like that you jerk. She's in love with you, she admitted so tonight." No one was better at resting bitch face than Sam, he was tired of Deans shit. "She loves you, you idiot."
"She was hitting on you Sam, I saw it with my own eyes. She was touching you and laughing, the way she smiled at you. You know how I feel about her Sam, why would you do that?"
"Dean, I swear to you, she thinks of me as a brother, her best friend if you will, there's nothing there. I've been friend-zoned Dean, why do you think she always bunks with me out on the road, because there are no feelings what so ever. She loves you, you oblivious moron. She's constantly baking you pies you idiot, there isn't a flavor under the sun she hasn't made for you because she knows you love it. She doesn't make them for me idiot, she does it for you."
"She loves me, she really loves me. Me?" He slumped down at the table and put his hands in his head. "Sam, she's just so damned perfect. She just does something to me, I can't explain like I would take on the whole world just to see her smile. She looks past all the bullshit and sees me, not the soldier, not the hunter, me. I want her so bad, but I don't deserve someone like her."
"I know, you've loved her forever, believe me I know, she's all you ever talk about when she's out of the room. I don't even think you know you're doing it." Sam grabbed them each a beer out of the mini-fridge and sat next to him. "She loves you and you deserve each other, you guys seem to balance each other out. Even Cas thinks you two are meant to be."
Dean was about to speak when he was cut off by music. They could hear my guitar all the way in the library, I guess I didn't shut my door all the way closed. The boys picked their heads up when they heard me singing.
"Is that-?" Sam didn't need to finish his question. They already knew. Dean got up and followed the sound to my room and sat against the wall by my door. "What are you doing?!" Sam whisper yelled, Dean just shushed him. He leaned his head toward the door to get a better earful.
"She's amazing," Dean whispered. They both sat and listened to me for awhile. I started strumming The Weight by The Band, I was midway through the song before Sam noticed Dean was crying. Dean wiped his face and looked at Sam and whispered, "See what I mean Sammy, she's an angel. I can't make her as happy as she's just made me in the last few moments."
"Trust me, Dean, just tell her." Sam got up and offered Dean his hand, "Come on let's get some sleep." They weren't up and more than three feet from my door when they heard me start crying. Dean slowly crept toward the door and peeked in. It wasn't a song he was familiar with, he tended to stick to oldies, but the melody and words just gripped his heart. He had to hold onto the wall watching me, it affected him that much. Sam stood behind him to see that I was okay. I sat on my bed, guitar in hand strumming, Say Something by A Great Big World. My eyes were closed and I just plucked away, swaying from side to side. Tears streaming down my face, the earbuds still in place. I belted out the words thinking no one could hear me, how stupid I was.
Say something I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one if you want me to
Anywhere I would have followed you
Say something I'm giving up on you
And I'm feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
Say something I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would have followed you
Say something I'm giving up on you
And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye
Say something I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would have followed you
Say something I'm giving up on you
Say something I'm giving up on you
Say something
I stopped playing, put the guitar on the floor and just wept. "Oh for fucks sakes, he can't love you, you're an idiot. There's nothing special about you." I threw my iPod across the room, Sam dashed to the side so as not to be seen. The iPod pinged off the door and it creaked open. I could see Dean standing there, his eyes were misty and red. "Um you okay, I was just...yelling about a book I was listening too, you know stupid characters doing stupid shit." I knew better, he had a look about him like he was staring at the stars for the first time in ages. A glimmer of hope flashed across his eyes. "You heard me singing didn't you?"
He shook his head yes, "Sorry, I heard you and I've been sitting out there listening. Your voice, it's the most beautiful thing I've heard. I didn't mean to intrude, I just couldn't stop listening. I uh, I'll leave you alone." He turned and walked out passing Sam in the hallway as he went to his room. He shut his door and proceeded to search for the last song I sang online. He plugged his headset in and listened to the song on repeat until he fell asleep.
Sam popped his head around my door and knocked on the frame. "You alright, what was that about?" He knew damn well what that was about but tried to feign ignorance. "You wanna talk about it?"
"Nope, um I mean, he was sitting out there listening to me? Was I that loud, I thought I shut my door?" I flashed embarrassment and shame across my face because singing was something I did alone, I never sang in front of anyone, it was my refuge, the vulnerable side I kept hidden.
"He was crying, Dean doesn't do that without a valid reason you know, no chick flick moments. Whatever you sang got to him. I told you, he wuvs you." He smiled a giant idiotic grin until I tossed a pillow at his face. "Good night," he said as he made kissy sounds down the hallway.