I neither own the Mentalist, nor the rights to Damien Rice's Older Chests. No infringement is intended. Any comments or thoughts will be greatly appreciated. Sorry for any duplicate alerts that anyone got. The first time I uploaded this, the formatting was wrong. Hopefully this looks the way it should!
Older Chests
i
Like a crack in the wall
Starting small
And it grows in time
Even the possibility of a happy ending had always been enough for her. Hope is a powerful thing. She has thrived off it in her past.
She has watched worlds fall apart when hope was eventually shattered.
She doesn't much like to think about happy endings now. They depress her to no end. After time and tragedy, she can't seem to appreciate costs. The risks people seem to take on their way to what they want...she could never see how something could be worth it, whatever that meant.
She finds it almost impossible to keep things positive.
Consequently, she has opted to keep things real.
She knew him before it happened. Albeit, she didn't know him well. But she had met him once or twice inside the CBI building. A few months before she was offered the lead agent position in the CSU, it happened.
She went to the house, was a part of the team outside the Malibu beach home. She remembers seeing him leave through the front door, a young man in uniform holding him up as if everything depended on it.
After that, she didn't see or speak with Patrick Jane for almost three years.
When she spoke with him the next time, Minellli was introducing him to the rest of her team. Her boss had spoken with her the week before; she would have a consultant in her unit. And no, it wasn't because her close rate was down. Her close rate was phenomenal. He was just going to be there to help.
When she walked into the bullpen, she caught his gaze and she smiled slightly. Minelli started to introduce them, but Jane smiled. "Agent Lisbon, it's very nice to see you again," he said, reaching out his hand.
She shook it, her smile meeting her eyes. "It's nice to see you again too, Mr. Jane."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He had taken to lying on the couch while he was at the office. Unless, of course, they were in the field. So when she made her way back to her office from the break room, she is startled to find him sitting in her office.
"Jesus Jane," she said, a hand over her heart.
"Didn't mean to scare you, Lisbon. Just making sure you were planning on leaving at a relatively reasonable time tonight."
She made her way around her desk. "I have work to do, Jane. What do you want?"
A momentary pause fell between them. He seemed tentative, and as far as Lisbon has been able to tell, Jane doesn't get tentative. She's been working with him for almost a year, and he's never once been nervous.
"Do you need any help with the paper work? Is there anything I can help with, I mean."
She wants to turn her head at this. He probably hasn't ever filled out a triplicate form in his entire life. How strange. She wants to scoff, because her first reaction is to assume that he is making some sort of joke.
She doesn't do any of those things, though. She smiles softly.
"Only if you're prepared to make me another cup of coffee in forty minutes." He smiles back at her, and for the first time in a long time, it seems to meet his eyes.
"Yes m'lady."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"That woman is almost shameless about her idealism. She seems delusional; she must know we aren't going to find her daughter alive."
"Jane!"
Jane becomes especially jaded whenever a case involves young girls. Any age, really. The age Charlotte was, the age she would have been, an age somewhere in between that she never got to see. Lisbon doesn't blame him. But she doesn't think it's productive, and she hates for him to shut down so completely. To close everything down, and focus solely on facts.
He shrugs. "What? It's true. The three other victims were dead within a day of being taken. I'm not saying it isn't sad. It's very sad, heart breaking. But that woman needs to face reality, or her marriage is going to fall apart. Her husband is trying to be supportive, but he can't understand her irrational faith in humanity."
"I don't think she's being delusional. She's hopeful. She wants her daughter to come home."
Jane is generally rational about anything except his family. But his dislike for this woman...Lisbon can't figure it out.
"Well, she's an idiot. The world isn't a nice place, and just because you wish for something doesn't mean it will come true. That's absolutely insane."
She hands him the keys as they reach the car. "You can drive, I'm not feeling well."
Later that day, after Cho had cuffed the first victim's neighbor, and after Lisbon had found the little girl in a spare bedroom, Jane snuck into her office.
He lay on her couch with the lights still off. She wouldn't know he was there.
She had been in that bedroom faster than Jane could even figure out what was happening. When she insisted that he drive them back to the girl's parents, he complied. She sat in the back seat, rubbing the girl's hair. Sarah suffered no signs of sexual assault, no signs of violence. The EMTs said they could take her home.
They had gotten there just in time.
When she finally slides into her office, she shuts the door and sighs. She makes her way to the couch, and taps his shin gently. He lifts his legs, but doesn't make a move to actually make any room for her.
Lisbon rolls her eyes, but sits anyway. He rests his legs back down across her lap, and she holds her coffee cup over his shins, placing it gently on his legs.
"You're aware this is my couch, right?"
He cracks an eye open, quizzical, but she's smiling slightly.
"Figured we could share it for right now. I hope you don't mind."
When she doesn't retort, he opens his eyes again. She's resting her head against the back of the couch, eyes closed.
They are both quiet before he speaks again, this time in a whisper.
"You did a great job today, Lisbon. You'll make an excellent mother one day."
She doesn't move, doesn't even crack an eye.
"I don't want to talk about it right now, Jane. Please."-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It's barely 5:30, and the sun isn't quite up yet. She's listening to a Cat Power album, which isn't really the exact genre she's used to running to, but she hasn't had a chance to listen to the full album yet. James had mailed it to her a few weeks ago, a post-it note attached that simply read "Lindsay loves this woman, and she's kind of jazzy. She sort of reminds me of you. Miss you always, J."She had downloaded it to her iPod the night before, and although it's slower than her Counting Crows playlist that she normally runs to, she still likes it.
The woman's voice is raspy, but soft at the same time.
It's wonderful.
James always had great taste in music, and although she doesn't know Lindsay very well, she thinks her brother's wife is probably just as classy as James paints her to be.
The soothing piano and guitar helps her keep her breathing regular, the 4 beat tune in rhythm with her steps.
Heel to toe, barely touching the ground for a second.
She's so relaxed that when Jane starts running next to her, she doesn't even really register that he's there. Barely recognizes him, in fact.
When he pulls her headphones from her ears, she fumbles slightly. She makes to apologize, but stops when she actually notices that the stranger she thought was trying to pass her was actually Jane trying to run beside her.
It was incredibly strange, seeing him in something other than a three-piece suit. His running shorts and grey t-shirt being a real change from his normal attire.
"You know," she starts, "I didn't think you actually knew how to run."
He laughs lightly, then smirks. "Seriously Lisbon, you think that I sit on my couch all weekend long? Just because you're the agent doesn't mean that I have to be the one who sits around all the time."
"But you do sit around all the time."
He rolls his eyes melodramatically. "Race you," he says, taking off in a sprint.
Although she wasn't prepared to start running, it doesn't take long for her to catch up him. Yet, he is faster than she thought he would be, and he seems oddly in his element.
He's a lot taller than her, and he slows his pace significantly so that they can run alongside one another. -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Somehow, despite the horrible things they face down together, time keeps passing. He had slowly ingrained himself into her life. There were small reminders of this hidden everywhere among their lives. Coffee on Tuesday and Friday mornings, a bear claw on Thursdays.
Pieces of paper folded into animals with notes saying don't stay too late tonight or I'm sorry I'm such a jackass to you all the time.
Newspaper articles placed on her desk about new restaurants that serve great vegetarian options because he knows that she would try to practice such a diet if she had the time and the patience.
Flowers on her birthday, because he learnt that although she always wanted a pony, having one is a little impractical.
Saying "it's me," when she answers his calls and a hand on her elbow or back as they walk through doorways.
And she has wedged her way into his life just as much as he has into hers. Through fights and holidays and years of wanting to know each other, they've created slots for one another. As if, almost by accident, becoming somewhat permanent.
xxxxxxxxx
ii
We all seem to need the help
of someone else
to mend that shelves
of too many books
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The first time Jane tells her about Angela, he didn't mean to. It had been an accident. It had been so small, so easy. At first she doubted he even knew what he had said. It was something small, an insignificant observation that may have stirred so many things in his mind.
But when he really talked about it to her for the first time, it shocked her. It made more sense-his guilt. He explained that their marriage had been falling apart. He had become so obsessed with the prospect of being important to someone other than her, to a crowd or a group or anyone else, that their love had collapsed into itself. And he had never felt bad about it because he always believed that a desire to be unique and important was what brought people together. It was such a human desire that it must be the reason that people were drawn to others.
It wasn't until it was much too late that he understood that the need to be special and unique is actually what separates everyone. Forces people apart.
Most of his regret was based on the fact that he had never appreciated her, hadn't loved her like he should have.
"My daughter became my world, the reason I wanted to come home, or take time off. My wife became someone that I lived around, but never really with. She didn't deserve that."-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Although Lisbon sends people to prison regularly, and sometimes they're put on death row, she is decidedly Left Wing.
She's no a socialist, or a communist or whatever general stereotype a Republican would associate her with.
She believes in choices. People should be allowed to make their own, and they can deal with the consequences. The choices you make will give you the life you deserve. And if California still executes people...well, that's one Right Wing policy she can't seem to disagree with.
Some people don't deserve to be alive.
Yet, whenever Jane makes it plain that he plans to kill Red John, it awakens something in her. While she would be happy to watch the serial murderer suffer for eternity, she doesn't want the same for Jane.
She would never want to be called to the stand and admit that she knew he was capable.
Premeditation would certainly have him sent to the proverbial chair.
California uses lethal injection now.
But she's heard that it feels like fire; that you're burning from the inside out.
She would be happy to watch Red John burn.
She would never be able to watch that happen to Jane.
- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~They have a case at UC San Diego where a baseball player was found dead.
They eventually linked it to his girlfriend, who found out about the young man's other girlfriends.
The entire case, Jane had been spouting baseball facts at her. Cho and Van Pelt were taking the young woman to the local station to take an official statement, but Lisbon and Jane were taking their time leaving the campus.
"Did you ever play baseball as a kid?"
"Softball," she corrects. "I played second base."
This makes him smile. "I always wanted to play. It's such a smart game, you know? So much is involved, and players need to make decisions in the fraction of a second. It's amazing." She smiles lightly at his enthusiasm. "Did you play in college?"
"No, I stopped playing just before my dad died. I always thought about picking it up again but..."
She regrets it right away, the slip. Jane had been in such a good mood the whole time they'd been on campus.
Instead of apologizing or something equally as awkward that anyone else would have said, he simply turns her towards him and says "Will you teach me?"
Sometimes, it's easy to forget that he never went to school.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~He leans towards her chair with a smile on his face. "You're jealous."
"No I'm not," she replies, a little too quickly. "Today is about Grace, anyway, not about me."
Jane had been well behaved through the entire ceremony. And through the reception..which was surprisingly large. Grace and Rigsby apparently knew a lot of people.
"It took them long enough to figure their lives out, I can celebrate that."
"You're not alone. You know that, right?" He looks genuinely concerned. He moves to the chair directly next to hers, instead of staying a few seats away.
After watching Rigsby and Van Pelt try and fail at having a relationship, and then watching the entire O'Laughlin fiasco unravel the younger women, and finally watching Rigsby's relationship with the defense lawyer fall apart after he was a witness for the prosecution...
The two agents deserved to be happy, and Lisbon was very happy that they had finally been able to figure out what they really wanted.
She was happy for them.
"I accepted it a long time ago, you know? My career was what mattered to me. Helping people matters a lot. I'm good at my job-great at it, actually. So I was always sort of... all right with the fact that I was alone. It's bearable."
"The world is a mess, and you're right, someone has to fix it." He pauses, not knowing how to continue. Grace looks beautiful, and he finds relief in the fact that these two wonderful people have found comfort in each other. "Existence is really fucking chaotic, but it's also pretty amazing."
Jane rarely curses, and it catches her a bit off guard. Not too off guard, but enough that he gets her to finally really listen. If anything, his rare optimism is what really surprises her.
"You're not alone, Lisbon," he repeats, taking her hand in his.
She leans into him slightly, resting her head on his shoulder. It's been a very long day. "I know, Jane."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
iii
Some things in life may change
And some things
They stay the same
Like time
They fall into patterns. Lisbon has always been a creature of habit, so it doesn't surprise her that Jane eventually becomes something like a habit.
At first, she would have considered it more like a chore.
But she has found that she actually does really like his company. He may drive her right up the wall sometimes, making her completely and totally insane, but she sort of...likes it.
She likes him.
He's not a chore. He is her friend, and over time, that fact doesn't bother her anymore.
The first pattern they fell into was the bickering. Sometimes they would fight and she would scream and he would yell right back at her.
That rarely happens anymore, though. Over the course of their relationship, they've learnt each other, and they know how to handle things with grace now.
Over time, they make new patterns, new rituals.
She always starts her run on Saturday mornings alone, but by the time she gets close to the high school near her place, Jane is always beside her.
In the summer months, they do other things. Picnics and baseball games. He has even dragged her to a few drive-in movies.
She learnt that he really likes Shakespeare, and she has taken him to a few Bard on the Beach shows. Bottles of wine smuggled into the show inside folded blankets.
Sometimes, their patterns are interrupted, but they seem to be able to recover when life blindsides them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ She answers the blocked number, even though it defeats the entire purpose of having caller ID. When she hears what she thinks is Danny Ruskin's voice on the other end, she is shocked.
Jane had told her that he was going up to the attic to read, but the thought that Angela's bother was calling her instead of him was incredibly odd.
When he tells her that Alex Jane passed away in his sleep, she doesn't now exactly what she's supposed to do.
"I tried to tell Pat that the service would be next Monday, but he hung up on me, said he wouldn't be there. I mean, I know that they haven't spoken in years, but I just thought...This isn't what my sister would want. She would have made him go."
Lisbon thanks him for calling, and hangs up in a haze.
She doesn't find him in the attic, doesn't find him in the records room. She doesn't know whether or not to call him, because she's not entirely sure she's figured out what she wants to say when she does find him.
But it's Tuesday, and they usually eat lunch out by the Capitol building if the weather is nice, so she heads there.
He's not sitting at their usual picnic table, but she finds him sitting at one of the benches not far from there. He's holding a cup of coffee in his hands, resting it against his thigh.
When she sits beside him, he doesn't say anything, and they stay silent for a few minutes. Whoever said that a decade is longer than a second could be very wrong.
Finally, she moves closer to him, their legs pressed together. "I'm not going to make you go if you don't want to."
"Good," he says. "Because I don't want to go."
"Okay," she says. After another life long pause, she lifts the paper coffee cup from his hand. She takes a sip and winces. She tosses it into the trash can beside the bench and then loops her arm around his. Jane hates coffee most days, and even if he does agree to drink it, it's only as a necessity or if he has a craving.
And the coffee cart doesn't have the best brew in the world, so she can't quite understand why he would even consider ordering such a thing.
"I didn't want to go to my dad's funeral either," she offers. After a few seconds, she continues. "But I had three kid brothers who didn't have a clue as to what they were supposed to do or think. I realized that even though I hated him, I still had to honor him. It made me sick, going there, pretending to be sad."
He still doesn't say anything to this, and she is starting to feel insecure. Despite the times they have talked about their lives, their trials and challenges and baggage... it's still hard, and they still have territory that is off-limits, no matter how close their friendship.
Finally he mumbles a "Can we still get some lunch?"
"Of course," she says, rising form the bench. Her hand outstretches to him. "Come on, old man. Let's go."
He takes hold of her hand, letting her pull him to his feet. When they start to walk, he doesn't let go, and neither does she. "I think that maybe I'd be able to go. It's not something...It's the sort of thing that people regret, right? Not going. Maybe if you could come with me."
"To get lunch?" She asks, but when he looks at her in the face, he can tell she's teasing him, and he's very grateful. She looks him in the eye and smiles lightly. "If you want me to go with you, Jane, of course I will."
-
Annie skips the ninth grade, and moves through high school faster than Lisbon remembered possible, only to graduate a year early. She somehow manages to keep a 3.9 GPA, play soccer and work at the Starbucks down the street from Tommy's place. When she calls Lisbon to invite her to the ceremony, she's tearful, or nervous.
Lisbon hasn't made the biggest effort to head to Chicago all that often, but "I wouldn't miss it for the world, sweetheart, you know that."
"Great, thanks Auntie Reese. I've got a ticket for Mr. Jane, too, if he's interested."
Lisbon blushes slightly at the idea of Tommy ordering a ticket for Jane mostly to tease his older sister about the fact that her and Jane aren't together. That, for whatever reason, has always been very funny to her brothers.
When Lisbon finally awkwardly tells Jane that Annie wants him at her Commencement ceremony, he is ecstatic. He loves Annie; adores her not simply because she would be very close to Charlotte's age, but also because she's Lisbon's niece, and Lisbon loves her.
That automatically makes the young girl fairly important.
They sit together at the ceremony, With Tommy beside his sister, and her two other brothers beside him. When Annie walks across the stage, James and Charlie snap photos, and Tommy holds onto his sister's hand with a ferocity Lisbon didn't remember coming from her brother since he was very young.
After the entire ceremony, Annie hugs her father, and then turns to Lisbon, smiling wide. When Lisbon hugs her niece, she feels tears form in her eyes.
She steps back, laughing with embarrassment. "I'm so proud of you, Annabeth."
Jane places a hand at her back, which is a small comfort.
Afterwards, Jane insisted that he treat them to dinner; he had already reservations. James and Tommy found this to be very interesting. When they mumbled about it to each other, Lisbon turned and gave them the sternest look she could manage.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Smiles all around, James answers with "It doesn't mean anything Reese, alright? It's just.."
"Shut up."
"Okay."
They eat and tell stories about each other to Jane and Annie; it doesn't happen often that the entire Lisbon clan is able to get together.
They were fascinating, really. Although Jane shouldn't have been surprised.
They order a very expensive bottle of champagne, and even Annie manages to snag herself a glass. It is her celebration, after all.
Jane pays for dinner despite protest. They all leave the restaurant together, and stand outside for a few minutes, still deep in conversation. The Lisbon siblings hug each other, and hypothetical Christmas plans are put in place. Jane shakes hands with all three of Lisbon's brothers, and gives Annie a hug.
"We're going to head..." Lisbon starts, but trails off, knowing that her brothers don't care where they plan to go. "I'll call when our flight lands tomorrow."
They walk backwards for a few steps, still talking but trying to disengage from the conversation. Finally, Lisbon waves and turns, finally making the journey back to their rental car.
"I don't remember Chicago being like this, you know?"
"What, warm? Because it's actually still pretty nice outside. I was expecting something like 7 degrees."
"It doesn't even get that cold in the winter, Jane. It's Chicago, not Iceland."
"Iceland isn't actually covered in ice; it's mostly greenery. Greenland, however, is mostly ice plateaux. Funny, isn't it?"
"Whatever," she says, leaning into his shoulder and linking her arm through his.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -It's a Tuesday afternoon, the day it happens. Everything is so normal. Rigsby and Cho go out for lunch at two, Jane sleeps on her couch for a few hours, she fills out triplicate forms.
Jane taught Grace a card trick so that she can mess with Rigsby later.
It was so...plain.
Rigsby gets the call just before 5. He's the arson specialist, and he's a part of the unit that's got the Red John case, right? Jane and Lisbon are the first of their unit to get to the scene, but the other three aren't far behind. For this sort of thing, no one needs to stay to answer the phones. This isn't the sort of thing that anyone on the unit could miss.
The CBI office wasn't that far from the downtown core, so getting there didn't take long. The upscale apartment building had gone up in flames after a gas line had ruptured somewhere near the 6th floor.
A Sac PD officer leads the two of them to the third floor, which was partially untouched by fire.
"We..we only found it because we were trying to get everyone out of the building. But as you can see, this part of the floor caught flame. We wanted to see if there was anyone alive in the suites."
Lisbon coughs. Her hands are shaking. She knows who they're going to find.
"He seems to know a lot about you two, so we thought that maybe you'd want to be the ones to make the final ID."
Walking over the threshold of the burnt apartment suite, time feels like it's standing still. Every detail being ingrained into Lisbon's memory. The smell of fire and ash and something home-y underneath it all. Pictures of children, graduate photos, family barbecues and a young woman's wedding photo line the walls.
God, Red John had a family. A daughter.She is going to be sick.
"The, uh, the body is in the study. It looks like maybe he was trying to destroy the evidence. Or...You can go look."
Photos of Jane, files. Discs that held Jane's original TV appearance. Photos of the women this man had mutilated.
Photos of Charlotte and Angela Jane.
Photos of...her. Her with Jane. Her alone. Her with Van Pelt.
Her voice catches on a sob. "Jane."
Jane.There's not a doubt in her mind that this is him. The man who ruined Jane's entire life.
It's surprisingly him who shakes her from the trance-like grief that has overtaken her. She never thought it would end like this.
But it's him who wraps his arms around her shoulder, steers her out of the room, walks her outside the apartment. It's him who is calm and collected, because she doesn't know how to be.
He tells Cho to go look at the scene, to tell the PD officers what to do.
He will not have a chance to murder Red John.
There will be no trial.
- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Lisbon finds him at the cemetery. It's cold out, and the sun shine had deceived her. She should have known. Empty skies mean no insolation for net radiation. The heat waves escape just as quickly as the come.
She should have worn a thicker coat. She makes a mental note to take her peacoat to the cleaners.
He's sitting on the grass in front of the two graves, and he looks undeniably young. Small.
She sits beside him, mimicking his cross-legged position.
They are both silent long enough for her to realize that she's not actually all that uncomfortable being in silence with Jane.
She's reminded of that scene in Pulp Fiction when Uma Therman talks about comfortable silence, and how if you can share that with someone, you shouldn't let them go.
Finally, after what could have been hours, he reaches across to her, takes hold of her hand.
"I didn't realize that I wasn't missing her until I suddenly did. I felt sad for her, felt guilty for what happened. But I didn't miss her."
He stops talking, and stays that way for a minute or so, which Lisbon takes to mean that he was finished talking about it.
But-
"I miss my daughter, though. I'm angry that I didn't get to know her. To see the person she would have been." He stops, takes a deep breath. "I don't look at it like I traded in one family for another, but.."
There's another pause, but shorter this time.
"You're my family too, Jane."
He nods slightly, as if to himself. "Okay."
He turns, then, and lays on his back to rest his head in her lap.
When did they become this? When did she not only feel okay with him doing something like this-when did she start to be more than okay about it, and start to like it?
"It's beautiful out today, isn't it, dear?"
"It sure is," she says, smiling softly.
xxxxxxxxxxxx
So pass me by FIN
I'll be fine
Just give me time