Title: Heaven

Author: Tuliharja

Summary: Sometimes, we forget our past but the past will never forget us. It reminds us, reminding Ukitake of his guilt as his dreams crash over him. It's driving him slowly, but surely, insane. Can he remember in time, and will he be forgiven?

Disclaimer: BLEACH belongs to Tite Kubo. I'm merely just writing fan fiction about it.

Author's note: Thanks for Sunstrom raining betaing this.

.:Heaven:.

:: ::

"…do you believe in heaven?"

"That's a very weird question."

"No, seriously Juu-chan, do you believe in it?"

"…I'm not sure. Do you?"

"Yes."

:: ::

Ukitake Juushiro woke up sweaty and confused. Eyes jumping from object to object, his eyes finally settled on his long-time friend's face, who was gazing at him with worry in his eyes.

"Juushiro, how're you feeling?" Kyoraku Shunsui asked in his deep voice to the man across the room now sitting up in his futon. The captain of the 13th division sighed deeply, before crashing back down onto his bed. Quietly, he covered his eyes with his arm, taking a deep breath.

"I had that dream again," he spoke quietly, his voice raspy as a result of not using it for several days. "Shunsui…I'm losing it."

"Juu-chan…" Kyoraku said, getting up quietly from his seat to walk silently to his bed-ridden friend before pulling Juushiro's arm away from his face. Locking his own grey eyes with grass green, "We'll solve it. We always manage to survive."

The white haired man didn't reply vocally to this assurance but his eyes showed very well what he was truly thinking about the whole issue.

"Juu-chan…don't give up now. Not now…"

:: ::

"Hey, Juu-chan."

"Hello to you too."

"Idiot, it wasn't a 'hello'."

"Heh, sorry."

"Idiot."

"…Sorry."

"About what?"

"…I have to leave."

"Where to?"

"Far away."

"Can I come with you? …Juu-chan?"

:: ::

Ukitake Juushiro was coughing up blood. He had woken to the sight of the foul smelling liquid staining his white sheets, and soft breeze flowing through his open doors. In a way, it was ironic. Everything about him was white, and whiteness surrounded him. The irony, however, was broken as he coughed up the metallic, red liquid once more. The liquid which was supposed to keep him alive seemed to have other plans for him as he struggled outside, trying to catch some air. It ripped at his lungs, hurting as every coughing fit made him feel weaker and weaker.

But in some twisted way Juushiro had started seeing it as a blessing, not a curse that haunted his waking moments. Maybe this time it would finally end his eternal dreams and make him slumber so deep, even dreams from the past couldn't wake him up.

"JUU-CHAN!"

:: ::

"Idiot!"

"I'm sorry, I'm-…"

"Be quiet!"

"…I'm truly-…"

"Juu-chan…Sorry for shouting to you."

"It's okay. I deserved it."

"Juu-chan."

"What is it?"

"Will you miss me?"

:: ::

Ukitake Juushiro opened his eyes slowly, his vision blurry. He could somehow remember coughing up blood and how Kyoraku had barged inside his room with the normally placid Unohana in tow. The look on his friend's face had been terrified when he finally told the two that his sickness had gotten even worse. That, and the fact that Juushiro felt he had to hide on purpose just how in bad shape he had gotten. The look of disappointment on Unohana's face had given the sick captaina horrible feeling deep in his stomach, but what hurt mostly was Kyoraku's look. It had shown the depth of sadness that only years of friendship could breed. It was like an old man's look, one who has seen too much and faced things in his life which are impossible to describe. The look had also told Ukitake, that his best friend didn't blame him. But he wouldn't understand it either because they were best friends until the very end -the end which shouldn't be just yet. Still, Ukitake had decided it would come.

Soon.

:: ::

"Do you remember what I asked you back then?"

"Sorry, I can't recall what it was. Could you help a little bit?"

"I asked you, 'Do you believe in heaven?'."

"Ah."

"I remember you answering 'I'm not sure'. Do you now know?"

"…Yes."

"Then, let's make a promise."

"What kind of promise?"

"Let's go to the heaven together when we've died, okay?"

"…Let's not think about it today, shall we?"

"…you're awful, Juu-chan."

:: ::

"Ukitake-taichou! You're awake! Thank the heavens!" Ukitake Juushiro now heard a relieved voice breath out a sigh as he looked up at the white roof from his place at the low table situated on the deck of his room. For some reason his vision was blurry, even though he wasn't in pain anymore.

"Taichou? What's the matter? Taichou?" His other third seat asked in a now worried tone, but for some reason Ukitake couldn't find any will or reason to look at her.

"Give Juushiro a little bit of room," his best friend's gruff voice sounded from somewhere on his left, before his vision was filled suddenly with Kyoraku's face. "You look awful, Juu-chan."

At that, the white haired Captain flinched as he felt his best friend touch the corner of his eye, wiping it clean with his large hand.

"…Shunsui…" Ukitake breathed, finally realizing why his vision was blurry. It was because the tears. "I remember."

"Remember what?" Kyoraku asked puzzled as he sat back, his face turning from gentle concern to confusion.

"My life," Ukitake replied simply which made Kyoraku blink his eyes.

"Juu-chan…" his best friend started with a stern voice, yet his words were cut off when Ukitake placed his pale finger atop his lips.

"Don't call me that anymore, Shunsui. It's awful nickname. I'm awful…" he whispered now. His eyes shined from the great sadness, and a pain which his heart had been holding secret this whole time, Juushiro himself not even knowing it.

"I killed her. She became a hollow, while I became a Shinigami. I'm awful Shunsui…I never answered to her…" Ukitake told, voice now choked as tears were again obscuring his vision. Kyoraku leaned against his long-time friend and hugged him gently.

:: ::

"Juu-chan!"

"What is it?"

"I love you!"

:: ::

Ukitake Juushiro felt how a hand was placed atop his shoulder as he gazed quietly the grave front of him, a soft wind flowing through the flowers and grass surrounding it. The grave was old. So old he couldn't read the once beautifully written text on it anymore.

The white haired man looked up to the sky, holding a small flower in his hands. It was his squad's symbol, a snowdrop.

"It seems the day will become beautiful one," a voice suddenly spoke behind from him. Yet it didn't surprise Juushiro at all since he had sensed his best friend's spiritual pressure before the man had even appeared next to him.

"Yes, a perfect day to be outside and enjoying life," Ukitake agreed with a glance to the 8th Division captain before he turned his gaze back to the grave. He then crouched down to the ground, settling the small flower in front of the grave aesthetically. Gently, he touched the grave stone before letting a small, sad smile grace his lips.

"Juushiro…" Kyoraku sighed, reaching slightly towards his comrade's shoulder.

Lifting his green eyes to look into Kyoraku's own concerned ones; he gave an apologizing smile.

"Sorry, I've been acting so stupid lately," he apologized again as he looked from the grave stone to the horizon beyond. "But I promise it won't happen again."

"Are you sure? You gave lot of people huge shock, Juushiro," Kyoraku pointed out as Ukitake nodded his head in agreement. He then stood up, placing one of his long, white hairs behind his ear.

"I'm sure," Ukitake replied with conviction, looking his best friend in the eyes. "I'm absolute sure."

:: ::

"I love you too."