Author's note: Thanks go to lintu who inspired me to write this and Felsenkeks for betaing it.

Chapter 1

Coming down from his high, Spencer Reid stumbled up the stairs to the Romanesque cathedral. Two hours ago he had shot the last remnants of the dilaudid he had stolen from Tobias Hankel. He had reached a crossroad in his life; he had to decide how to go on living. His wish was to get a grip on himself, to go back to being the person he used to be. He knew it wasn't that easy, he didn't even know if he deserved any second chances. But he had to at least try to come to terms with himself and he knew he could only do that if he talked to somebody, if he confessed his sins.

He briefly stopped in front of the metal gate to look up to the wreaths hanging on it before he pushed the doors open and entered. There were a few people in the church but they were all sitting in different pews. The amount of space between them indicated that each one of them had come on his or her own, that each and every one of them was all alone. He didn't want to profile yet he couldn't help but notice the obvious. The church seemed to be a gathering place for lonely people. Reid was vaguely reminded of a Beatles song and had to swallow as it dawned on him that he was one of those lonely people.

He lowered his head as he made his way to the confessional. The heavy velvet curtain was drawn back halfway on the left compartment to reveal that this side was empty. Reid took a deep breath, got in and adjusted the curtain. The grid, through which he knew he was supposed to speak to the priest, was closed off and he heard a hushed voice. He tried to make out what it was saying but before he knew it, the voice was quiet. Then the sliding screen was pulled back and he saw the silhouette of a man. Spencer jumped slightly, but burst out "Forgive me father, for I have sinned".

There was a short pause and then a low voice asked, "How long has it been since your last confession? "

Reid was suddenly back in Tobias Hankel's cabin where the alternate personality of his father mauled the agent's feet with a log to get him to confess his sins. He cringed and his left foot gave a jerk at the memory. Spencer made a pained sound before saying "I've never confessed to a priest before"

"You do not confess to a priest. You confess to God", the voice said and the tone of it somehow managed to calm the young man down.

"My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic. My father left us, left me alone with her when I was still a little boy. The day I turned eighteen I had her institutionalized", Reid whispered. When the priest did not respond right away he added, "I sent my mother away. Exodus 21:17 says..."

The priest interrupted. "But you didn't curse your mother. You helped her"

"She didn't want to leave. When those men came to pick her up, she was so afraid and so sad", Spencer pressed his lips together to keep them from quivering as he thought back to that day.

"Mental illness is something that has to be treated professionally. It's not something a single person, much less a child can cope with. You made sure your mother got the help she needed, I don't see how this could be a sin"

Reid frowned. He hadn't expected to hear these words from the priest.

"Is that the only thing you wanted to confess? ", the priest asked and again his voice seemed to touch something inside of Reid.

"No", he said and rubbed over his face with both hands. There was so much he wanted to say, he had made several mistakes in his life but he wasn't sure whether they classified as sin. He wished he could actually talk to the priest but confessionals were there for confessions, not conversations. So he got to the point and admitted the one thing he couldn't tell anyone, the one thing he was truly ashamed of, the one thing that was killing him. "I took dilaudid. That's a drug, I took a drug"

"God wants us to take care of our bodily health, our safety and the safety of others", the priest said.

"I know that. I never wanted to do it but I was forcefully introduced to it. I didn't want it but it helped me. It made the pain to go away and... and I could escape from everything", he stopped. "He was a murderer and we were going to catch him but then he abducted me and did this to me. I killed the man, I killed him to save my life but then I took the drugs from his dead body..." Spencer's teeth had started chattering and a tear had escaped his right eye.

"You are aware of your wrongdoing", the priest said, then paused. "The only thing I can do is tell you to stop abusing drugs. If you feel you can't do that, if you're already addicted then you need to seek help. Because you can do it, but you might not be able to do it on your own. As for your penance, do you know the Act of Contrition? "

"O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended you and I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of heaven and the pains of hell. But most of all, because I have offended you, my God, who are all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve with the help of your grace, to confess my sins, to do penance and to amend my life. Amen"

"Very good. Pray it again at night"

"I will"

"May our Lord Jesus Christ absolve you; and by His authority I absolve you from every bond of suspension and interdict, so far as my power allows and your needs require", the silhouette moved and Spencer assumed the priest had made the sign of the cross, "Thereupon, I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen"

"Thank you", Spencer uttered.
"Go in peace", the priest said.

Reid stood up and just remembered to reply "Thanks be to God", before exiting the confessional.

Although there was still a lot on his mind and many issues unresolved, he felt strangely optimistic. He could do this. He would find a Narcotics Anonymous meeting in his area and he would go there. He would get his life back together. He was not a bad person, his transgressions could be forgiven.
Reid was just about to exit the church when he changed his mind and sat down in the rearmost church pew. He kneeled down and pretended to pray but really he kept an eye on the confessional. Spencer had been surprised with the way the priest had treated him, he hadn't acted judgemental at all. While he knew that was the way a priest was supposed to act, he knew this churchman was very different from the other ones he had met in his life.

His deep voice had been so soothing; it had been like balm for Spencer's lost soul. He had to at least know what the man looked like.

By the time the door of the middle compartment of the confessional opened, Spencer's head had begun aching terribly, he felt nauseous and the crook of his arm was itching. But it was all momentarily forgotten when he lay eyes on the emerging priest. He looked like he was at most forty years old; he was tall, had short raven hair and was utterly handsome.

The man let his eyes wander and when he saw Reid staring at him he smiled the most diminutive smile he'd ever seen. Spencer blushed but the priest didn't see it because at that moment an elderly lady called "Father Hotchner!" and scurried towards him. Reid took the opportunity to get up and leave the church.