Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki. Happy now? I admitted it. But I DO own fansubbed copies of the first two seasons of Saiyuki, and Saiyuki Reload.
Warnings: Very, VERY slight references that aren't even solid enough to be called references that are shounen-ai-esque. And the reader will either be deeply offended or very amused, depending on one's individual work ethics. Oh yeah, and swear words.
It's pointless. It's stupid. It's written in the once-upon-a-time format that seems nearly exclusive to stories reserved for Children. But it sure as hell was satisfying to write. : )
Inside Voice Please!
Once upon a time, the Saiyuki Boys were all made the age seventeen, forced into 21st century clothing, and then unceremoniously dumped into a busy classroom full of grade 12 students. Of course, the students didn't notice, because that would screw things up before they start. And the Saiyuki Boys were NOT able to complain, as the fanfic author is trying to make a point.
Now, Goku took to the noise and clatter as if a duck to water (and yes, this makes sense, nobody's WORKING), Gojyo immediately started putting the moves on all his classmates of the feminine persuasion (while justifying it all with the thought that he was now technically the same age as them), Hakkai just sat there smiling (as he was used to incessant chatter) and decided that if they were going to be stuck in this classroom for the next two hours (according to the schedule), then he might as well do the assignment on the board to keep occupied.
Sanzo also had the same idea, but unlike Hakkai, Sanzo has very little ability to cope with even TWO people talking/yelling at once, let alone THIRTY. And the fanfic author had prudently relieved Sanzo of his smokes, lighter, sutra and almighty-paper-fan-of-Doom, so Sanzo had no means of releasing his tension other than gripping his pencils so tightly they broke. The mechanical pencils. The ones made out of super-hard plastic. Yeah, those ones.
Now, some people may wonder why Sanzo hasn't snapped and yelled, "Shut UP!" yet. This is because the fanfic author is not allowing him to so that the explosion (when it comes) will be the grandest explosion in the history of explosions. Plus, the fanfic author is giving the ones NOT talking incessantly a chance to observe how large the vein on Sanzo's forehead has become (see, the fanfic author isn't evil). Anyways, the smart ones foresaw the imminent explosion and took cover under the desk-tables. There were very few of them. Ah well.
Once upon a time, a not-so-holy monk temporarily in the guise of a seventeen-year-old grade 12 student started yelling obscenities at his fellow classmates (damn good thing the teacher stepped out for a moment). Now, this might have had the effect of suitably cowing his avid listeners if he had been either twenty years older, or hadn't used the phrases 'Shut up! Be quiet!' and, 'do your god-damn fucking WORK goddamnit!' in the same breath. As it was, today's cynical youth burst out laughing at the idea that someone could get so worked up over a lousy school assignment.
At this point Sanzo completely lost it, and resolved to kick everyone's asses, gun or no gun, sutra or no sutra, almighty-paper-fan-of-Doom or no almighty-paper-fan-of-Doom. Gojyo, in a moment of bravery (can't let anything happen to the ladies in the room, right?) tried to hold Sanzo back, while Hakkai tried to reason with him.
Around this point, someone decided to add fuel to the fire by remarking upon just how feminine Sanzo would look in the right clothes, while another remarked that the personality fits. As one could reasonably guess, Sanzo's efforts to break free redoubled and Gojyo was having a much harder time keeping Sanzo's arms pinioned. Goku, seeing Gojyo's trouble, decided that just this once, Gojyo needed his help more than Sanzo. So Goku tackled Sanzo's legs.
Unfortunately, this caused a sort of domino effect in which everyone lost their balance and fell over (Hakkai wasn't quite fast enough in getting out of the way).
Now, a REALLY stupid person who REALLY didn't know when to shut up voiced certain implications relating to the most uncomfortable positions the Saiyuki Boys now found themselves in.
This might not have bothered the Saiyuki boys as much as others might think, BUT, coming from a teenager with all the class of a mud-heap, who CLEARLY meant insult…
The end result was that Hakkai, Gojyo and Goku all decided that a policy of non-interference would be much more satisfying in this situation.
Sanzo, with his obstacles gone, advanced upon the Stupid One, with a wicked glint in his eyes. The way he glanced around the classroom promised retribution for all the others as well…
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This next scene has been censored to keep the rating from drastically rising. Here is some elevator music instead for your listening enjoyment while we wait!
-The sounds of panic and mass hysteria are vaguely heard behind the music-
Um… Let's turn the volume up then… Or… Maybe… Ok, fast-forwarding!
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Once upon a time, a teacher returned to a now dead-silent class that was mysteriously missing a few members. The teacher, delighting in the unusual silence, chose to ignore the fact that students were missing, the tables were suddenly much the worse for wear, and that many of the remaining students were now sporting looks of pure terror ('most' because a few hid under the tables, remember?)
Now that the fanfic author had no more use for them, the Saiyuki Boys had been released back into Tougenkyo after completing the board assignment, much to everyone's relief (classmates and Saiyuki Boys).
And the class never let the noise get higher than the merest of whispers ever again, and the teacher's blood pressure ended up dropping significantly as a result.
Moral of the story? Don't piss off the fanfic author while she's trying to make sure she doesn't have homework so that she can watch more anime, 'cause one day she'll get a magic pencil and BAM! an irate Sanzo and Company will be set on you.
THE END.
I relieved the stress of many classes of not being able to even hear myself think in this fic. Ah, good times…
And for those people who actually look at my profile, no, this is not the one-shot I was talking about. I wrote this in a class where I couldn't concentrate on ANYTHING vaguely serious, not even fanfiction, and I wrote this to blow off steam (though technically THIS is fanfiction too…). And I'm posting it because my stats have stopped dead in the water. --;; Hopefully I'll finish it soon, and if not, Christmas break is coming up, and it's just BEGGING to be filled with hot cocoa and the writing of fanfiction.