Title: Measure of a Man
Author: Steph
Rating: PG
Pairing: Robin/Patrick, Patrick/Noah
Category: Drama/shades of romance
Disclaimer: I do this out of a love for the show. No infringement is intended.
Spoilers: Contains spoilers from last week and takes place right after Friday's (3/31) episode.
Summary: Following Patrick's failure to save Jesse's life, he and Robin have a heart-to-heart about the man, doctor, and son he is.
Notes: This focuses more on Patrick as a character than his relationship with Robin, but they're together through out it and I think it's important for Robin to explore who he is. Hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you thought. Thanks! -Steph
---Measure of a Man: Part 1/1 ---
Patrick sank down onto the bench in the locker room. He bent his head and threaded his fingers through his hair, as he squeezed his eyes shut.
He had just lost his first patient. To make matters worse, the patient had the potential to save his dying father's life. The truth was, Patrick had always wondered how he would deal with the loss of a patient.
He'd watched his father crawl into a bottle of alcohol after he couldn't save his mother and never crawl out. What if this was just the beginning? He couldn't save Jesse's life and he may not be able to save his father's. Patrick never could shake the memories of a once-brilliant and successful father who had fallen so far. If it could happen to his father, then why couldn't it happen to him? What if he was brilliant at succeeding and lousy at failing?
As much as he hated to admit it, he was far from perfect. This would undoubtedly happen again. In med school, he'd heard over and over again that part of being a doctor was failing. It's how you deal with failure that will determine what kind of doctor you really are. It can make you weak, make you question every decision you ever make. Or it can make you stronger, make you better because you survived it and you may have even learned something along the way.
The question was what kind of doctor was he destined to be.
He was so engrossed in his thoughts, he didn't hear her enter.
"Patrick," she said softly from her place behind him.
He raised his head, but didn't turn around to face her.
"Go ahead."
She remained silent.
"Come on. I know you're dying to say it. Go ahead. Say it. Say 'I told you so'."
"That's not why I came in here."
"Why not? You have every right to. You were right. You were right about everything. He shouldn't have been operated on until he was stable and I shouldn't have been the one doing it."
"I didn't want to be right."
Patrick chuckled bitterly. "Well, that's a first."
Robin came to stand in front of him. Patrick looked up at her. She folded her arms over her chest. "I knew how it would look if you lost him, so I thought someone else should do it. But I know you did everything in your power to save his life. You couldn't have saved him even if you waited until he was stable. No one could have done anything. He was too far gone."
"I appreciate you saying that but it doesn't change the fact that I just lost my first patient. It doesn't change the fact that with my father's life on the line and a potential donor on the table, I chose that moment to be less than perfect, to mar my spotless record. That's all anyone's going to care about."
Robin shook her head. "I'll make them understand."
"I don't need you cleaning up my mess."
"That's not what I meant."
Patrick stood up and sighed. "You know what, Robin? I like you better when you're questioning me and telling me how wrong I am."
"I'm just trying to help, Patrick."
"I don't need your help." He licked his lips. "I'll be fine and I'll deal with whatever comes my way. This is just a little setback. I'll be back to my old ways soon enough. Nobody bats a thousand."
Robin's eyes narrowed. "You didn't honestly think you would never lose a patient, did you?"
"Of course not. Maybe you didn't hear me. I just said nobody bats a thousand."
"Losing patients is a part of being a doctor, Patrick."
"Really? I had no idea. I must have been sick the day they taught that in med school."
Robin rolled her eyes. "You don't get it. Anyone can fly high when they're succeeding. The real measure of a doctor, of a man, is how they deal with failing."
"Thanks for the wisdom. Where did you get that? An episode of 'ER'?"
Patrick turned on his heel and began to walk away, when Robin's voice stopped him.
"You are not your father."
He slowly turned around to face her. "You're right. I'm not a drunk who's lost the will to live."
"You know that's not what I meant."
"Then enlighten me."
"Your father dealt with his pain by drinking. You make your own choices."
"Don't worry. I'm upset about losing Jesse, but I'm not heading down to Jake's just yet."
"I'm not talking about losing Jesse. Your father was a brilliant surgeon and you idolized him. In your eyes, he was infallible. But he wasn't. He had lost patients before your mother, Patrick, and he didn't start drinking because he couldn't save her. He started drinking because he didn't know how to live without her."
"I guess you have him all figured out. I'm just not sure what that has to do with me."
"You're stronger than you think. You're not going to break just because you lost your first patient, even under the circumstances. You won't even break if you can't save your father's life. No, if you're destined to follow in your father's footsteps it'll come from how you deal with the pain of losing him. It'll come from dealing with how you failed him, not how he failed you."
"Failed him? I've risked my career to save his life. I'm willing to risk my own life for his."
"And what about all of those years when you didn't even acknowledge his existence?"
Patrick took a few steps toward her and placed his hands on his hips. "You know, you sure have a lot to say about father-child relationships considering you wouldn't give your own father the time of day."
"Our situations are different. My father let me believe he was dead for fifteen years. I didn't push him away like you did yours. The truth is, you've acted as if your father's been dead for years. And now that he may actually die you want a second chance. You probably lie awake at night thinking about all of the time you wasted. If he dies, you're going to have to live with those regrets for the rest of your life. It scares you to think of how you'll choose to live with them."
"You should have been a shrink. The way you spout psycho-babble without a shred of fact to back it up is very impressive."
Robin shrugged. "It's true."
"No matter what's happened in the past, he's still my father. I'm not going to just sit back and let him die. It has nothing to do with regrets."
"Sure, it does. It's always about regrets. Living with them or hoping you don't have to."
Patrick tilted his head and looked down at her. "I guess you would know all about regrets."
Robin looked down at her feet. "This is about you."
"You must live with regret everyday."
Robin's eyes narrowed. "Why? Because I contracted HIV?"
"No, because of how you let it run your life."
"I don't."
"Yes, you do. You never let yourself get close to a guy because of it. And the moment you decide to take a chance and open up, you let your insecurities and tendency to jump to conclusions get in the way."
Robin let out a breath of air. "I can't believe we're back to this again. I already apologized for that, Patrick."
"Yeah, I think I missed that since it was so closely followed by insults."
"You purposely humiliated me. You know, every time I think there's more to you, you prove me wrong. During the virus outbreak, I thought I saw a different side to you. And with your father I thought I was starting to see someone worth knowing emerge. But here I am trying to reach out to you and all you can do is attack me."
Robin shook her head and moved to exit the locker room, but he blocked her path and she nearly collided with his chest.
She slowly raised her eyes to meet his.
He looked down at her and spoke softly, "I'm sorry."
Robin nodded and took a step back. "It's okay."
Patrick moved his eyes to the floor. "You're right. I don't want to live with those regrets. It does scare me to think of how I'll choose to deal with them. I've spent too many years blaming my father for our relationship. The truth is I didn't try to understand, I didn't try to help him. I had put him on this pedestal and when he fell off of it, I didn't want to deal with him. But he's all I have left. He's the only family I have."
Robin bobbed her head. "I understand."
Patrick shrugged his shoulders. "Then why couldn't I make him understand?"
"Maybe because you didn't tell him what you told me."
Patrick dropped his head and sat back down on the bench. Robin hesitated a moment before sitting down next to him. He stared at his hands.
"My mother used to say I have my father's hands. She knew I was born to be a surgeon before I ever did."
"She would have been proud of you."
Patrick turned to look at her. "No, she wouldn't have been."
"Patrick, you're a brilliant surgeon with a bright-..."
He shook his head sharply. "No, she would have been disappointed in me because I didn't take care of my father the way he had always taken care of me...the way she would have taken care of him. My mother was the most compassionate woman I've ever met. I don't know, you'd think she would have passed some of that onto me."
Patrick shook his head, a faraway look in his eyes. "For a long time, I didn't get what my father did. My mother tried to make me understand. She tried to make me see how important what he did was. But it wasn't until I was in the third grade that I really understood. My class had a Career Day and all the parents of the students were invited. There was a lawyer, a cop, a fireman...even a real-life astronaut. I thought my class would think what my dad did was boring. But he stood up there and talked about saving lives with such intelligence and passion that they were riveted. I was riveted. And that's when I really got it. I always knew what he did was important. I knew he was great at it. But for the first time I saw that it wasn't just what he did, it was who he was." Patrick licked at his lips. "That's why it was so hard for me to accept him falling like he did. It wasn't just about losing his career; it was about losing who he was. In my mind, he would always be the guy who stole the show from a real-life astronaut."
Robin placed her hand on his arm. He raised his eyes to meet hers. "You're not in the third grade anymore. When it comes right down to it, Patrick, he's just a man. He's always been just a man. He needs to know that you love him and need him even if that man doesn't live up to the expectations you set."
Patrick placed his hand over Robin's. "Thank you."
They stared at each other for a long moment, before Robin shook her head. She slid her hand out from beneath his and stood up. "I guess I better get back to work."
"Yeah, me too." He paused and then added, "Maybe when this is all over, however it plays out, we could start over." He paused and offered her a grin. "I could be less of a jackass and you could give me the benefit of the doubt once in a while."
Robin smiled. "I'd like that."
She then turned on her heel and left.
---
Patrick sat down on the edge of his father's bed. "I hope you can hear me because I'm only going to say this once."
Patrick bit at his bottom lip. "Do you remember when I was six and I lost your signed Mickey Mantle baseball? It was your prized possession. You even kept it in a glass case. You told me how special it was to you and told me to never touch it. Not surprisingly, I didn't listen. I took it to school for show-and-tell and it never made it home. I was so scared. I was afraid to tell you. I was afraid of how you would react and I hated that I had failed you. At six, I was actually convinced that what I did would make you stop loving me. But you didn't react like I expected you to. Sure, you were disappointed in me. But when I told you how I was afraid you would stop loving me because of what I did, you shook your head and hugged me. Do you remember what you said? You said there was nothing I could ever do that would make you stop loving me. You said that no matter what, whatever successes or failures I may experience in life, you would always be there for me. And you know what? You were when I was a kid and you would have been all of these years if I let you." Patrick paused and his voice grew husky. "If only I had done the same for you."
He took a deep breath. "I love you and I'm sorry that I waited so long to try to save you. I should have been there for you all of these years. If I had been, maybe we wouldn't be sitting here right now. Maybe you could have found a way out of this. Maybe we could have found a way together. I didn't want to deal with the man you'd become. It didn't fit inside the perfect little box I'd created for you. I wanted you to be the strong, brilliant, successful father I remembered. Anything less just wasn't acceptable. So I pushed you away. It was easier that way. And I used you as an example of what I would never become. The man I once dreamed of emulating had become a man I couldn't bear to look at. For a long time, I thought you had failed me. But, the truth is, I failed you. I guess I'm just starting to learn to deal with failure, Dad."
Robin appeared in the doorway. She folded her arms across her chest and leaned against the door frame.
Patrick went on. "A self-proclaimed wise woman once told me that 'anyone can fly high when they're succeeding. The real measure of a doctor, of a man, is how they deal with failing.'"
Robin smiled as Patrick continued. "For years, I dealt with how I failed you by acting as if I hadn't. I was in denial. It was easier to pretend I had done everything in my power and you were a lost cause than to admit I wasn't strong enough to never give up on you. So, now I'm going to do what I should have done all of those years ago. I'm going to do what you would have done for me."
Patrick took his father's hand in his and squeezed it. "I'm going to be there for you, no matter what."
Robin stared at the man she was just beginning to get to know and realized for the first time that, in many ways, he was just beginning to get to know himself.
----------------------------------------THE END--------------------------------------------
Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it and please let me know what you thought. -Steph