a/n: my other Sev/Lily stories are all set at Hogwarts, but I was watching Order of the Phoenix recently and I realized that Severus was in the Order. Now, I can't exactly remember if he was in it to begin with, or if Albus brought him in after Lily's death. Either way, for the sake of this story he is in the Order and at the same time he is a Death Eater. This is my way of explaining just how Sev became the Professor Snape that we know, and tells a little of why Lily chose James over him. Hope you enjoy, and if you do please review! thanks! And happy reading!
Severus could feel the heat from the fireplace warming his face, he could feel the ice in the glass of firewhiskey he was holding slowly beginning to melt from his touch. He could hear the rain pelt the window outside and feel the thunder as it talked back to the bright lightning. He could hear the sounds of cars speeding past his windows, people hurrying to get home and out of the storm. But most of all, no matter how hard the wind blew or how loud the rain was, there was nothing as powerful as the feeling of his heart breaking all over again.
He knew what tomorrow would bring, what had been coming for months. He just thought that someone or something would have put a stop to it before it was too late. He thought that he would have had the guts to say something, but he didn't. He wanted Lily to be happy more than anything, and if that meant allowing Potter to put a ring on her finger tomorrow, than he wasn't going to say anything. He couldn't have said anything if he really wanted to.
Lily still wasn't speaking to him, not since their fight a few months ago when she had come to tell him that she was engaged. It was as if she was expecting him to throw a party and congratulate her. How could she expect him to do that knowing full well how he felt about her? For the brightest witch he'd ever known, she sure could be daft sometimes. He shook the image of her in a white dress from his mind and downed the rest of the goblet. He felt the burn down his throat but ignored it and emptied the bottle into the glass.
He knew there was little chance of getting any sleep tonight, or of getting any tomorrow night, so if he was going to stay up he may as well enjoy himself. No one ever said a self-created pity party was boring. He stood and walked over to the fire, poking at the logs to bring the flames back to life. He admired fire to an extent, how it could grow and leap to life only to dwindle down to almost nothing, and then come back just as strong.
He wished that he had that kind of power, that kind of perseverance. But as the night went on and the firewhiskey began to burn less and less he found himself helpless to the emotions that were plaguing his broken heart. He despised feeling weak, and swore that after tomorrow he would never allow himself to feel love or compassion for anyone ever again. He would close himself off from the world if he had to.
The knock on the door had him looking up sharply, a glare shinning over his black eyes. Couldn't people have the decency to just let a man sit in his own miserableness? Did someone always have to bother him when he's at his weakest? The intruder knocked again and with a growl he pushed himself up from the chair and stalked over to the door. He didn't bother looking through the peep hole, whoever it was hadn't better plan on staying long. He wasn't in the mood to entertain and he certainly wasn't about to be hospitable either.
He threw open the door, his mouth already forming the words to dismiss the knocker, but the sight of a soaked woman with flattened red hair and dripping clothes stood before him, her eyes and face almost as sad as his. She eyed the glass in his hands and looked up at him, failing to hide the tears that were in her eyes. He wasn't exactly sure what to do or say, so he stepped back and gestured for her to come inside. She hesitated, but eventually crossed the threshold.
He closed the door, and locked it merely out of habit than anything else and moved forward to take her coat. It weighed quite a bit from the amount of rain outside and he imagined that she had walked here from wherever she had been. He wanted to ask her what she was doing here, what she wanted, but he couldn't. She just stood there shivering, her arms around herself, and tears falling from her eyes. He took a step toward her and she looked up at him.
All at once she was in his arms and he was thrown back a little from the force of her running at him. "Lily?" he whispered, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. "What's happened?"
"I'm falling apart Sev. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I'm feeling confused and out of control. Everything is messing up and no one is making any sense. I'm not even making any sense." She sobbed and buried her face in his shirt.
"Everything is going to be alright." He could feel the wetness of her rain soaked clothes seeping into hers and he held her back gently. "How about I go and get you some dry clothes and then make us some tea." His head was spinning a little from confusion, the whiskey and having her so close to him. "Merlin knows I could use it. Then you can tell me everything."
She nodded and stepped back to lean against the wall. With a quick glance over his shoulder, Severus made way to his room and over to his closet where he pulled out a set of pajamas and an old shirt that would possibly fit her. Then he quickly changed from his damp clothes as well and walked back to the living room, the clothes in his arms and a look of curiosity on his face. He needed to know why she was here, why she had come to him the night before her wedding, but she wasn't ready to answer those questions just yet.
"Thank you." She said, her voice quite and soft.
"The loo is just down the hall." He pointed and she nodded, walking away as he turned to fix them some tea the muggle way.
He thought it odd that a witch and wizard who loved magic as much as they did preferred to do some things without it, but there was something therapeutic about making ones own tea, and he needed something to distract him from the fact that Lily was only a few feet away either naked or changing into his clothes. He set two mugs on the island he used for a table and placed two packets of sugar beside hers. He wondered if he would ever forget just how well he knew her.
Lily pressed her palms into the sides of the sink and took a deep breath. She looked up at the mirror and shook her head. What the hell was she doing here? She'd actually run from her own rehearsal dinner and snuck away to see Severus? She couldn't believe what she had gotten herself into. Now what was she supposed to do, go and drink tea while her clothes dried and then just leave? He would want an explanation and she would have to be the one to give it to him.
She peeled her shirt off and hung it over the base of the tub. Every piece of clothing was sticking to her and she was glad she'd found Severus' after all. She wasn't sure how she'd even got here to begin with. She'd just known that she had to get out of the restaurant before she burst into tears. Everyone was so happy and smiling and she felt like screaming. Did no one notice that she was miserable? All she wanted was her best friend, and he hated her, wasn't even speaking to her.
Of course she knew that she had broken his heart, and that whatever piece that had survived when she'd told him that she was going to be James' girlfriend at school, was shattered now that she was getting married. She couldn't believe that she had hurt her friend like that, and that there wasn't really anything she could do about it now. Now it was too late, now their time was up and there was nothing she could give him that wouldn't just destroy him even more.
She sighed and pulled his shirt over her head. It hung nicely, but was very long and went almost to her knees. He was always so much taller than she was. Sure, she loved James more than anything, she was marrying him tomorrow and there was nothing that could stop that, not even herself. But there was something inside her, something that needed to be released before she could fully commit to the marriage. She needed to let go of Severus and she needed to show him just how important he was to her. Maybe that's why her feet had led her here without even knowing where she was going.
With one last glance at the mirror she walked out and found him sitting in the kitchen, his hands around a steaming mug of tea. He didn't look up until she sat down and began pouring the sugar into her cup. He knew her so well, surely he would understand better than her what she was doing here, he was always so good at knowing things like that before she did. But looking at him now, she could tell that something was a bit wrong with him.
"Severus, what is it?"
"What is what?" he asked and looked up at her, their eyes meeting properly for the first time.
"What's the matter?" she reached out her hand for his but he pulled away.
"If you can't figure that out for yourself you aren't nearly as clever as I thought you were."
She was a little shocked at his tone and the harshness of his words, but after all the pain she'd put him through, she knew that she deserved it. "I know this isn't the future that you planned on us having Sev, and I'm sorry for that, but things aren't always the way they are meant to be. I care for you, but there is a reason that I am meant to love James more and a purpose behind marrying him. I'm not sure what it is yet, but I know that it is the right thing."
"How can you possibly know that?"
"Female intuition." She offered, knowing that he would only scoff and roll his eyes.
"I just don't understand why you can't marry me for the greater good or whatever rubbish you are talking about."
"Things are the way they are meant to be Sev, we have to learn to accept that."
"I can accept it, but that does not mean that I have to like it or set of fireworks to celebrate it." He scowled, but she was relieved when he didn't pull away from her touch this time.
She looked down at their hands. His skin was much paler than hers and she wondered just what being a Death Eater was doing to him. He'd missed the last Order meeting and she was worried that he was being lured away by Voldemort and his followers. She'd asked Dumbledore to check on him, but she still hadn't gotten a real answer out of the old man. It was rare that one ever got a straight answer from those lips anyway. She laced her fingers through his and studied the eyes that he turned to her.
"What would you say if I offered you a proposition?" she said, weighing her words carefully.
"What kind of offer are we talking about here?" he looked intrigued and guarded; his emotions and thoughts at bay.
She gritted her teeth and felt her free hand form into a fist. She could feel her nails digging into her hand, but ignored the pain. She could sense the thickness of the air around them as they waited for her to answer. She could hear her heart beating loudly and wondered if he could hear it. She could feel the roughness of his hands under hers and wondered what it would feel like to be touched by him. She wondered if he had ever killed anyone while under Voldemort's power, but pushed to thought away.
She knew that once she said the words that sat on the tip of her tongue that she would never be able to take them back, and she knew that speaking them would only give him a false hope that would kill him afterwards, but she couldn't help it. She could feel the connection between them, and knew that no matter what happened tomorrow, they would both know how they felt about each other, and if anything that would get them through the dark times that lay ahead.
She felt her lungs expand as she took in a breath, and then she opened her mouth and let the words fall out. "One night, with me Severus. That's the offer."
Severus looked at her as if she'd gone mad. His eyes sparked somewhere between anger and curiosity. Neither was sure if he was more angry and planning to toss her back out into the rain, or desperate enough to feel her touch to let the morning after worries go and let the night take its course. Merlin knew she wanted this as he did, and if there was anything stupid she was going to do in her life, it was going to be this one thing. Once she married James, she would be a full fledged Order member and she would be given more responsibilities. At least that's what Dumbledore had said.
He looked down at their joined hands and thought for one blissful moment what might happen tonight if he agreed to her plan and do the thing he'd always dreamed of doing. He'd thought of making love to Lily for a while now, and before that his adolescent mind and imagined kissing her. But he'd never done any of those things, and tonight may very well be his final chance to live out the fantasy of having her in his arms. The pain of her leaving in the morning would be almost unbearable, but he wasn't sure if he could live with the disappointment of passing up the chance of night with her.
If anything the memories would be enough to last him through the war, and maybe after it was over; once she had served her purpose of marrying James for the greater good, he would be able to have her. He would have the chance to fight for her properly and prove to her that he was the right choice. But if he died in this war, whether at the hands of someone from the light that didn't know he was a double agent, or someone under the Dark Lord's power that discovered he was in the Order, he wanted to be able to die knowing that the woman he loved understood just how he felt about her.
"Alright," he nodded and squeezed her hand. "you can have your one night."
Lily stood and pulled him to his feet. She'd seen his bedroom on the way back from changing and knew where to lead him. As they walked down the hall she felt her stomach dancing as if a thousand fireflies were dancing about. She fought the nervous feelings away and pushed open the door. She noticed that the colors of living in Slytherin for his childhood were hard to overcome, as was her loyalty to Gryffindor. You spend so long believing in something it's sometimes hard to change.
The walls were black, but green velvet drapes hung from the windows. His bed was quite large and covered with alternating shades of green silk blankets and silver brocaded pillows. "It's beautiful." She said and turned to him. "A little too Slytherin for my taste, but acceptable."
He sneered, keeping his arms firmly at his sides. He ached to touch her, and hugging her and never really been forbidden, but now that it was apparent to them both what they were about to do, he found himself more nervous than the day he'd received the dark mark tattoo on his arm. "Would you feel more comfortable if the curtains were red and gold?"
"Not at all." She shook her head and locked her arms around his neck with slight hesitation he barely notice. "If it was to change than it would hardly be you, and I want to be with you tonight, exactly as you are."
Her words seemed to give him confidence and he felt his hands flatten themselves against her hips. He wanted to feel his skin against hers, but was afraid that if he moved to fast she would change her mind and leave. "Lily, I'm not exactly certain how you would like to go about this. I've imagined making love to you hundreds of times, but not once did a scenario go like this. I'm completely off track here…"
"Just feel Severus. Close your eyes and just let go into the moment. There is nothing else here but you and me and the way we feel about each other. Don't be nervous, just be yourself."
He took a shaky breath and watched as her eyes closed and her face tilted up towards him. She was waiting for him to kiss her, waiting for him to make the move and prove to her that this wasn't a mistake, that she'd made the right choice in cheating on her fiancé hours before they were to be married. The reality struck him, but he pushed the feelings of guilt aside and knew that James would not have shown the same compassion had the roles been reversed.
With a passion he'd locked deep inside, he kissed her until neither of them could breath anymore. She tasted like sugar and spices; a mix of the tea he had made her and probably the dinner she had run away from to see him. He let his hands work up her back into her hair and felt his fingers tangle into the silky curls that were beginning to dry already. He was glad she hadn't performed a drying spell in the bathroom earlier.
She smelled like rain and fresh air, and of course like the lilies that always seemed to envelope her. He often wondered what came first, the name or the smell and if she smelled that way because of her name or if her parents had named her that because she was as beautiful as the flower even as a baby. Then all thoughts in his mind ceased when he felt her tongue dart out to ask for entrance. He hesitated, but after a moment, allowed her in.
He wasn't sure if it was the intimacy of the kiss that gave him the strength to overcome his fears, or if it was simple primal instinct that took over, but he felt himself walking her back towards the bed, and then before he knew it he was on top of her, pressing her into the mattress. His hand snaked under the fabric of the shirt and came in contact with her heated skin. He couldn't stop himself from touching now, and suddenly he was a mad man,
Lily didn't seemed bothered by the sudden change in her friend and responded just as enthusiastically, pulling his shirt over his head, only to rake her nails down his back when it was off. He let out a low groan into her mouth and broke the kiss, allowing his lips to trail down the side of her face to her neck. He sucked at a section of skin beneath her ear and felt her nails dig into his back. It was far too enjoyable to be painful.
He couldn't help it, he needed more of her skin so he pulled back and slipped the shirt over her. He was a little stunned when he noticed that she'd left her bra to dry in the bathroom along with the rest of her clothes, but her tinkle of a laugh brought him back to reality. She was looking up at him with a bemused expression and pulled herself higher on the bed so her head was resting on the pillows.
He joined her, letting his hands slid over the newly exposed skin. She let her head drop back and searched for his lips. When their mouths joined and their tongues began to battle again she found herself back to the desperate woman from before. Her primal female instincts to get what she wanted to took over and she began working the buttons of his pants open. His kisses halted for a moment, but when she nipped at his lip he got the message that stopping was no longer an option.
A few minutes later their clothes were shed and he was looking down at the bare body of the woman that had plagued his dreams and thoughts for years. He couldn't believe that this was all finally happening, that he was going to get what he wanted, and that there was nothing that could bring a stop to it. She was lying next to him, their bodies tangled as the other fought for dominance of the kiss and more. She eventually won out, and when he felt her lower herself onto his tip, he held his breath.
She looked down at him, a small smile on her lips, the fire that was her hair crazy around her flushed face, and a look of unmistakable love in her eyes. He brought his hands down to circle her wrists and closed his eyes when she did. He felt the heat radiating off her body, the softness and warmth surrounding him as she lowered even further, taking him inside her. He felt her nails digging into his chest and the weight of her upper body in the pressure of her hands on his skin.
He heard the hitch in her breathing when she started to move above him, felt the increase in his pulse as her hips began to move more freely and quickly. He sensed the overwhelming love she poured into him, and heard the moan that slipped from her lips as she tightened around him. He didn't want this to be over yet, didn't want morning to come or face the light that was going to surely tell him how dangerous and stupid their actions were.
As she shuddered over and above him he held her tightly to him, but before her eyes opened or her breathing returned to normal he took her lack of control as a advantage and gently flipped her onto her back. She had enough control over her liquid limbs to wrap her legs around his waist and lift her hips up to meet his thrusts as he made love to her. Her moans were hard to understand but he could pick out his name on her lips, and that gave him more pleasure than he could explain.
Lily felt out of control again, but it was the kind of control that she didn't mind being out of. There was no one here to tell her what to do or what to think or say or feel. All she wanted was here, in this moment with Severus. He was calm and gentle one minute than strong and almost scary the next. She couldn't explain it, but she understood it, and he understood what she wanted and needed. He knew her inside and out, quite literally now.
She could feel the silkiness of his sheets against her back and the muscles that rippled through the arms she clung to as he fought for control over her. She could taste the dark chocolate and herbal tea that he'd been drinking before. She could smell the faint remnants of the last potion he brewed in this room as well as the cologne that he'd started wearing in their seventh year. She'd wondered if he'd done it just to get her to notice him again.
She felt the pressure build up inside her as he increased the speed, and then the world seemed to explode around her and inside her all at once. She felt the shift of her heart and the change in the air around them. Her heart sped up and slowed and for a split moment she wondered if this is what death felt like. Then slowly, the world came back under her and she felt Severus slip from inside her. She could have whimpered at the loss of contact, but almost as she did, she felt his arm wrap around her and pull her into his body.
He placed a kiss on her shoulder and murmured something she couldn't quite understand, and then she was asleep.
A few hours later the darkness seemed to startle her awake. She felt the even breathing of Severus' chest against her back, could feel his warm breath on her neck. She could smell the sweat and the reality of what they'd done, along with the guilt that darkened her mood. She knew that she'd done the right thing, but she couldn't justify it in the moment. She had a wedding to prepare for in a few hours, and she wasn't sure that she could handle to pained look in Severus' eyes as he watched her walk out the door.
Carefully and quietly she snaked out of his arms and searched for the floor with her feet. When her toes met the hardwood of his bedroom, she held her breath and slipped from the soft mattress. She carefully met the lace of her torn underwear with her toes and bent to retrieve it. It was unlikely that she would ever wear it again, but leaving it there for him to deal with would be cruel. The crept to the bathroom, and was pleased to find her clothes nearly dry. With a quick wave of her wand she dressed and tiptoed to the kitchen.
It took a minute to find the quil and parchment, but when she did she'd wrote the note she'd rehearsed in her head the whole time while dressing. She pressed and kiss to the dried ink and waved her wand again. The scroll floated through the open door of his bedroom and landed on the pillow where her head had been. With an ache in her heart she slipped her shoes on and locked the front door behind her. This would be the end of Severus and Lily as they knew it.
The next morning Severus rolled over and reached out, half expecting to find air. He'd assumed that memory of Lily in his bed had been only a dream, but the rolled up parchment told him that it wasn't. He wasn't sure if that made him happy or sad. Tossing the sheet away he sat up and flattened the paper with his fingers. He could smell her around him, on the paper and in his bed and on his skin. If he closed his eyes he was sure he could feel her touch.
Dear Severus,
Please know that I do not regret what happened between us last night, and that I will take with me to my grave all the wonderful memories of our first time together. Please know that I care for you deeply and that you will always hold a special place in my heart. Please know that whatever happens over the course of this war is meant to be and that everything happens for a reason. I don't yet have answers for the questions of why or what, but I do know that it is important we continue on the paths we are on. Please don't lose heart, and please don't lose your love for me. I understand that today will be hard for you, but know that one day this will all make sense.
Yours forever, Lily Evans
Severus stared at the paper for a long time. The sun shone in through the gape in his curtains and he forced himself to stand and go over to it. There were no remnants of the storm last night and the morning sky was a beautiful blue. Lily's wedding day was going to be beautiful, and even though he was not invited he was happy to know that he was going to be a part of her happiness. He may not understand why she was marrying him, but he would not interfere. He would love her until it was time for them to be together again.
Then things would make sense and he would breathe easy again.
One Year Later
Severus slammed his copy of the Daily Prophet down and saw the table rattle from the force. He couldn't believe it, he wouldn't believe it. Lily couldn't be dead. Of course he'd heard the prophecy and understood what it meant for her to be the mother of the Chosen One, but he'd begged and pleaded with the Dark Lord to spare her. It was all over now. Whatever hope he had for a future of them together was gone.
He had no one and nothing. He was never going to be happy, never going to have her in his arms again. He threw the paper across the table and watched the inserts fly around the kitchen. The funeral for her and James was this afternoon in the park, and he was damned if anyone was going to stop him from going. He tossed on his cloak, not bothering to put his hood up.
The Dark Lord could kill him now, and he wouldn't object. Perhaps he would even beg for death, for what use was there to live if Lily wasn't there to live for. He stepped out onto the street and ran into a man with long blonde hair. Lucius Malfoy grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. "Did you hear, did you hear what happened?"
"I read the paper you idiot. Of course I heard."
"He's gone, the Dark Lord is gone."
"Of course he's not gone you fool." Severus spat and tossed Malfoy aside, not having the patience to deal with useless nonsense right now.
He conjured a single lily flower and walked to the park. All around him people were whispering behind their hands and looking up at the sky as if they were afraid that something might swoop down and take them all away at any moment. Perhaps Lucius had been telling the truth after all, perhaps the Dark Lord was really gone. He couldn't imagine it after so long, but the Chosen One had finally destroyed him than perhaps Lily hadn't died for nothing after all.
He saw her remaining family members and a few of the Maruders standing around two graves, all dressed in black with grave looks on their faces. Severus noticed that Petegrew was missing and that Sirus was looking over his shoulder with a worried experession. His hood was up as if he was hiding. No one looked up or said anything when Severus approached. Snape felt Remus' eyes on his when he lowered the flower onto Lily's casket.
Then he turned and left, saying nothing to no one. He had to see Dumbledore, it was time that the old man explained a few things. But even as he walked he thought of that night when Lily had been his before she had given herself to James and the cause of the resistance. She'd been his and would remain his. The tombstone had read 'Lily Potter', but she'd signed her letter to him as Lily Evans. That was all he needed, to know that Lily Evans had been his, and that she at least had loved him.
a/n: so this one is a bit more 'realistic' shall we say. Of course there is no truth or evidence that Lily ever went to Snape before or after she married James, but I'd like to think that she did. I'd like to think that she knew that her child would be a great man and that she would have to give up her childhood fantasies of a life with Severus to serve the greater good of the cause and love James. I believe she loved James, but I also believe that she loved Sev. So there you go! Thank you for reading.