Disclaimer (Must I write one?): I do not own Full Metal Alchemist, anime, manga, or otherwise. (I don't even own FMA merchandise.) That is the property of the esteemed Arakawa Hiromu. I own the main characters and parodies of the cast of Full Metal Alchemist.

Warning: This is a parody. Some (Read: Most) characters have been changed slightly (Read: Bastardized). May contain crossovers. Story not to be taken internally, but go ahead and do it. Let me know how it tastes.

Episode 1: Those Who Challenged the Pun

People can gain something without giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value need not be lost. This is Fan Fiction's first law of Author Power. Usually. There's a catch. There's always a catch.

Inside a house…

Two children, a boy and a girl, sat on opposite sides of an octagram (eight sided star inside a magic circle), which had been drawn in crayon. They scribbled furiously at a large scroll. The girl, who was the younger of the two, asked, "Why can't we talk again?"

The boy shushed her. "Quiet! In order to maintain maximum crypticness and mysteriousness, we must not say anything!

"Crypticness isn't a word!"

"Yes it is!"

The eight-sided star began to glow.

Outside…

A storm was taking place. A cloaked figure stood on the hill overlooking the house, staring into the window, trying to catch a glimpse of what was happening inside. Unfortunately, since he was standing on higher ground, a lighting bolt struck him.

Inside the house…

"Fck! Get this thing off me!"

The scroll had grown to ten times its normal size and it was foaming at the mouth. The paper actually attacked the two children, completely engulfing the young girl, and dragging the boy into its mass by the leg.

Gee, the boy thought. And here I always believed I was going to die re-enacting a stunt from Jackass.

Years later…

The mayor of Forsaken Desert Town, an old, graying, very senile old man, put his arm around his dog. "Son, do you know why I built this town in the middle of the desert, where there is no water?"

The dog decided to humor him. It barked questioningly.

"Because some guy on the street told me I couldn't do it. So I built a town in the middle of the desert. Everyone who came to live in it died from thirst. So, I built another one. Everyone died from thirst, and then the town burst into flames from the sheer heat. Then I built another one. Someone stole it in the middle of the night. Now, in retrospect, that "press to steal town" button wasn't a very good idea. So I built another one, and this time, some dude saying he was sent by the Sun god Leto came and provided the town with resources and water. And now…

While he was talking, the dog had alerted the proper authorities in a Lassiesque conversation. ("What, boy? There's an old psycho somewhere? Take me to him, boy!) The men in white were taking the crazy old man away. The old man, however, seemed unaware. He grabbed the hands of one of the men in white.

"Someday, son, this will all be yours."

Outside of town…

"Ed, are we there yet?"

"Don't call me Ed, Al."

"How many times do I have to tell you, it's Alice!"

"Then don't call me Ed. My name is Edan!"

If anyone stupid enough had walked out into the desert in the middle of the day, they would have seen two strange looking people arguing. One of them was a young girl in her early teens wearing a pair of glasses with large, round lenses. She was short and sickly looking. She seemed to have a metal arm and a leg, although the leg was just plating from the False Fake Leg co. ("Proudly supplying those too wussy to lose a leg the normal way for 50 years!")

The other person, a slightly older boy, couldn't have been human. The fact that he was wearing a suit and coat in 100 degree weather should have been indication enough. If this was not odd enough, he also had tattoos of chain links all over his body. The teen carried a large backpack. He also needed a haircut, badly.

When they entered the small, formerly forsaken desert town (the renaming ceremony was scheduled for next week), the two noticed that statues of various sizes had been placed everywhere alongside radios: on windowsills, outside buildings, in streets, by walls, and around people's necks. These people struggled under the heavy burdens, their necks constantly bent and their mouths constantly remarking about the poor quality of their shoes. The largest of the statues were positioned around a water fountain in the middle of the city. The sculptures all depicted a clown in a toga blowing a raspberry. In one hand, it held a staff topped with a sun insignia, and in the other hand, a toilet.

Needless to say, the two teens were snickering the entire time that they were walking through the town.

They stopped at a quaint little café for lunch. Edan didn't eat. He never ate. Suddenly…

A high pitched voice said, "Testing, testing, one, two, three…three…er, what comes after three?…three, four. I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle…" This display went on until three hours, until a deeper voice interrupted in the middle of "London Bridge is Falling Down."

"Who the heck are you? Get away from that microphone! Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen. The sermon will continue as scheduled. Ahem. My children, have faith, and thou shalt be saved. The sun god, Leto, brightens thy path…"

Alice whispered to Edan. "Isn't Leto the goddess who gave birth to Artemis and Apollo?"

"Yes, I believe so."

The broadcast continued… "…and ask yourselves, 'What would Leto do?'"

"Get a sex change operation and disown her kids, apparently." The girl giggled. Then, Alice motioned to the waiter.

"Excuse me, who is that on the radio?"

"Are you deaf, kid? That's Father Cornello, Leto's messenger."

"Who?"

The other customers crowded around her. "Father Cornello, the founder of Letoism!" They said. "He showed us the path of the Sun god! He has the power of miracles!"

Alice covered her ears quickly. If they broke into a musical number, she would scream. "I'm an atheist." She tugged on Edan's coat. "I think we should leave now."

"Right." In his haste to leave, he accidentally knocked over the radio. A truck from the Big Heavy Rock Company burst a tire on one of the loose screws. It skidded out of control, crashing into a house and dropping its load. The boulder it was carrying destroyed three nearby houses and knocked over an occupied outhouse. It then took out a wall. It took the wall out to a movie, but after that they never dated again. No one knows what happened at the theater.

"Look what you did!" The restaurant owner yelled. "It's all because you're wearing that stupid oversized backpack."

Edan addressed the owner of the restaurant. "Relax. We'll have it fixed in a moment."

"Fixed?"

Edan didn't reply. He was drawing an octagram around the remains of the radio. From his pocket, he produced a piece of paper and an old fountain pen. The teen quickly scribbled something on the paper. Grasping the parchment between his index and middle fingers, he held it over the broken radio. There was a flash of light. When everything cleared up, the radio was in one piece again.

The restaurant owner, the passerby, and the guy in the outhouse were speechless.

"The power of miracles!"

"Are they also prophets of Leto?"

"It's some type of sign from above!"

"Hey, we're out of TP."

"Aw, man. I must be totally sloshed."

Alice sweatdropped. "No, you misunderstand. We're authors." She hopped down from her stool. "Just call us the Elrics."

"I've heard of you! An author of the state is called Elric. I believe her official title was '¼ Metal'?"

Alice went berserk. "NO, IT ISN'T!"

A thought suddenly occurred to Edan. Hoisting Alice onto his shoulders, he began sprinting away from the café.

"Where are we going?" Alice watched the world go by in a blur.

Edan cleared a fence in one long jump. "Anywhere. Just so long as we get away before the townspeople realize we haven't fixed all the houses we wrecked."