Lois: alright everones out of the house. If I can stretch getting the mail for another 30 minutes, that'll almost be one half of one half of the day.
Stewie walks in: Lois did you know your ass is getting fatter. Because Jerome has, and he's been peaking through the Windows more.
(Jerome slides down the window creepily.)
Lois: Oh no. I forgot to take Stewie to day care!
Stewie: yea. of course you did you zombie. All you had for breakfast were three Xanax.
Lois: ohhhh. I guess he could just stay home with me , It's been a while since we really spent any quality time together.
Stewie: yea that's actually true. Like from here, I'm just noticing that grey hair.
Lois: oh it'll be fun. We can watch Oprah. And we can ...
long pause.
Stewie: that's it idnt it. That's the whole itenieray. Jesus Christ woman. Join a gym.
Jerome from off screen : you bet not!
Lois: Hey you know what would be great?! mani pedi s! We can do em really pretty. 1980 movie montage style !
Stevie: yea you know what. why the hell not.?
(Montage music) Cutaway to them walking into nail salon then immediately walking back out.
Stewie: They put me RIGHT to work. Didn't even ask my name. God, How do they even fit a heroin operation back there?
Lois: So that was a bad idea.
Stewie: yea have you seen your Haircut bitch? It's not you're first.
Lois: It's been so long since we spent time together though. I dont even know what you like to do anymore. Do you still like to play peekaboo?
She makes the peekaboo motion but then completely disappears from the screen. Then reappears saying, peekaboo.
Stewie: ehhhhh not really. I started getting epileptic seizures from playing that.
Lois: he doesn't seem to be enjoying it.
Stewie:of course I'm not woman. Gosh, you're as farcical as one of Biff' s henchman actually being useful.
Cutaway: biff: hello! Anybody home?! (In typical scraggly voice)
Henchman hands him a seltzer water.
He drinks it.
In normal articulate voice: Thaaaaank youuuu!. Jeez.
Stewie: hey , didn't you say something about going to get the mail?
Lois: well stewie wont play with me. I guess I can go get the mail now.
Stewie: i swear I am just so unappreciated.
Lois comes back with mail.
Lois: what's this ? A letter from my old college.
Stewie: bet you $50 its from whatever the hell STATE university.
Lois: Rhode island state university.
Stevie: god I am so money. I don't know why Rupert won't take me with him on his trips to Vegas. (Crying voice) or maybe I don't want to know.
Lois: oh no. it says here that the credits I earned are invalid and that those educated in the time I was there have been discredited ! All four of the classes I took! Now I wont have a leg up when I apply for waitressing jobs. I wont be able to mark "some college". And then immediately after, "no degree."
Stewie hops out of her lap and walks off screen. Stewie: I'm gonna grab the wine cause it's becoming more and more evident that I'm gonna be stuck with you for this one.
Lois: but how can this be . I worked really really hard to sleep with my professors in those classes . How can they just do this. You know what. This isnt right. I'm gonna drive down there and figure out what the hell is going on.
stewie has already walked back across screen and out the door with the wine bottle in hand. Before he closes the door he says
And this time, either forget to wear jeans instead of khakis , or forgot your tampons, but not both.
Next scene.
Guys at the bar.
Cleveland : So bottom line is the gouts fighting with the in grown toenail, and now my podiatrist has to decline my insurance twice a week instead of just once.
Quagmire: yea that out grosses mine. Not by much. But it out grosses it.
Cleveland: Peter? What say You?
Peter: What? Oh yea. Sickle cell must suck for you people. Whatever.
Cleveland: Peter. What's wrong with you? you seem to be really out of it.
Peter: I dont know guys. I'm just feeling a little disenchanted that's all.
Quagmire: spell disenchanted.
Peter : don't you guys ever get sick of doing the same thing? I mean were here all the time. I even named all the pieces of Gum stuck under the table left by the filthy gross assholes that eat here by name. (Flips over table.) They're all named Caitlyn Jenner. after Caitlyn Jenner .
Cleveland: yea . I Suppose Peter's right. We are here all the time. We could probably benefit from a little more imagination in our outings.
Quagmire: well what do you guys think we should do?
Bartender walks up
Horace: Here you go fellas . Another pint.
Peter: Hey Horace. You know of any great places to go in the city.
Horace: ehhh I dont know. But From what I see in the movies, you better not go anywhere the littler Affleck brother is at. Someone always ends up missing or dead , And then he spends about 45 minutes too long trying to figure it out.
Peter : thanks Horace.
Horace: no problem fellas.
Peter: well that was no help. Come on guys . We need to think of something. to do something other than get drunk at a bar.
Pause .
Peter: I got it! Let's get drunk at a carnival!
Quagmire: a carnival? I dont know Peter. That sounds a bit rock-bottom-y.
Cleveland: I like it. It sounds like a fun idea. Besides, I past rock-bottom last night when I was pullling my penis out of a can of chili.
Peter: yea. We could go and make friends with all the carnies. We could even make a game out of which one of them tries to rape one of us first!
Cleveland: my bets on you Peter. You've really been taking care of your skin.
Quagmire: is there even a carnival in town?
Peter: of course theres a carnival in town. Dont You read the guide.
Quagmire: I don't know guys . Something about it just seems desperate to me.
Peter: More desperate than that 15 year old. (Through his teeth in a low voice) That I know about .
Quagmire: let's go to the carnival.
Peter: yaaaaaayyyyy!
Quagmire: yea blackmail your best friend whatever .
Next scene.
Lois and stewie at the campus.
Lois : Gosh this place hasn't changed nearly as much as I would have thought.
Stewie: that's because people won't wake up and vote for Bernie.
Lois: like there's the Wallace building. And ooh look over there is the Math building. I hated going in there. But right after I would have my photography class in the building right next door. So it kind of balanced out.
Stewie: you took photography? You bitch. Me and Rupert had to hire a professional. we couldn't find anybody. Oh my god what a waste of money we probably could've afforded the tilapia option .
Lois: but these blue lights are new. Back in my day we didn't even have that system. Every night could have been the night. Ugh what a rush!
Stewie: w... were you the perpetrator, or the victim?
Lois: and all these kids are on their cell phones. That's not right. Half of the excitement of college was the new social dynamic. These kids aren't even enjoying it at all.
Stewie: they're probably all too busy yik yakking about the red headed old bag on campus.
Lois: if I was these kids ' parents I would take their phones away for them. That's for sure. They're missing so much.
Stewie: you'll be lucky if even one your children ends up here. For even a semester.
Lois: c'mon stewie let's go to the deans office. It's time to find out what happened with my credits.
Next scene.
Quagmire: ahhh the carnival. You ever notice how as a kid, this is a place filled with wonder, but as an adult , it's filled with smells you can't Trust. You don't know exactly which smells , but you know you can't trust them.
Peter: stop your bellyaching quagmire. We'll walk around , eat a few corn dogs, drink a few beers, it'll be A great time. C'mon.
Quagmire: actually my bellyachings from, from something else.
(One of the aliens from alien protrudes from his belly)
Peter: look, I don't know how long were gonna be here damnit, but were gonna have fun. We have to.
Cleveland: ehh. I drank a gallon of Pepto bismol on the way over here so I should be good for another hour .
Peter: hey look , over theres a funnel cake stand. Let's get some funnel cakes.
They walk over to the funnel cake stand. An older man with a beard and tattoo is tending it.
Funnel cake vendor: good evening . Do you guys want to see the gauges I'm thinking about getting?
Peter: um no, I think we'll have three funnel cakes sir. Regular please.
Cleveland: actually can I get some struh-berry on mine?
Peter: wait, aren't you allergic to strawberry?
Cleveland: naw, I just say that so I don't have to eat donnas pies.
Peter: just decline to eat em ,Tell a bitch about herself.
Vendor: here you go. Three funnel cakes . One with strawberry.
They all pick up the funnel cakes and simultaneously hunch over their plates carefully so as to not get any powdered sugar on themselves. Just as they're all about to take their first bite at the same time, all the powdered sugar hops up off the funnel cakes and all over their respective clothes.
Peter: that...Was delicious.
Little while later. They're standing in line for a ride. All with a beer in their hands.
Peter: I ve seen three cousins here that I havent seen in years. They all pretended not to see me.
Cleveland: this line is sooo long. It got me burning calories. I need those to keep warm!
Quagmire: yea this line is really long. I dont even like this ride. The rocket that goes all the way upside down, eventually. It's not even exciting.
Peter: youre just not drunk enough. Here. Have another beer.
Quagmire takes it.
Quagmire: I'm probably going to throw up when I get up there.
Peter: yea. With any luck.
Quagmire: if were gonna do this, cant we at least go get on one of the real roller coasters.
Peter: ehhh, I would but I watched final destination last night. ... I dont think I'll be riding roller coasters, or takin a shower alone for a few days.
Cutaway: (Peter to Lois from inside the shower curtain) you there? Lois(flipping through a magazine): yes Peter. Peter (pokes his head out the shower) : well you've gotta check on me too to see if the shower head is wrapped around my neck ,or else it defeats the purpose.
Lois: you know what, I'm outta of here. This is ridiculous. Peter: Lois, no! Shot of inside of the tub. He looks at the shower head terrified. It jiggles a little . He starltes. Then he's calm. Then he turns around to bends over to grab the soap. He slips and breaks his neck.
Clown walks up to the guys in line.
Clown: hey you guys tryna get to the front of this line?
Quagmire: oh my god yes. We've been standing here for like an hour. This little girl just peed on me giggity.
Clown: c'mon, lemme show you guys a little trick.
Pulls out a balloon and blows it up. Twists it into the shape of a cellphone. Then he looks at it and says, oh my god, there's a Celibi over here!
Everyone in line pulls out there phone walks over into that area.
Peter: hey, you helped us. thats good. i promised myself i would make friends this summer at camp.
Cleveland: he looks like a black and mild that no one wanted to finish.
Peter: any other cool stuff you can show us?
Clown: sure. I'm a natural tour guide. Not like Ben Stiller.
Cutaway: Ben stiller leading people down hallway in the museum from night at the museum. Ben stiller: and here we have the Macedonian exhibit from... whoaaa! King Tut?! How did you get out?! And Atilla the Hun?! Who let YOU out ?! And Ricky Gervais?! Who let YOU out?! (Switches to serious face) no seriously who keeps letting you over here. Go back. (Gervais slumps off screen) Stiller: yea, go...go help them out with Brexit or something. I'm sure they could use your help.
Clownie: c'mon ill show you.
Guy standing in line for something with the girl that he came with. (In his head) alright . Paid for the tickets. Paid for the food. Drove here in my car. We're here alone. Time to go in for The kill. (He puts his arm around her) . Just at that moment she notices someone else she recognizes and runs to him. "Justin!" He's dressed in ripped jeans and a tank top. She's all over him and giggling. The first guy tries to get close to her and she pushes him away. He tries again, she pushes him away. he tries a third time and she pulls out a gun and shoots him.
Next scene.
Stewie: so I can see the guitar douchbag has been more or less replaced by the longboarding douchbag. So that's nice to know.
Lois: sitting here so many memories are coming back to me . It's almost overwhelming. Like that time Daddy paid the cops to come hose down those students protesting the war.
Stewie: the VIETNAM war?How old are You?
Lois: or when I saw the first lesbians.
Cutaway.
Cheerleaders cheering on the field. One spreads her legs while doing a handstand and another one falls onto her so that they scissor for a millisecond. At the very moment of contact their outfits change from cheerleader costumes to jeans and a white shirt and sneakers. And they go from blonde to black hair. Both get up walk away holding hands. "we figured it out they- we figured it out," they say respectivley in quick succesion.
to me
Lois: I hate to admit it but I almost wish I could relive it all. I'm just like that Mom in modern family. It'd be nice to have that part of my life back. To Get Out and be bettering my self everyday. Oh what I would give.
Just that moment , the dean walks by.
Lois: dean schalllit!
Dean: yes.
Lois:(gets up and shakes his hand). Hi I'm Lois Griffin. We were just coming up to your office to speak to you.
Dean: is that So? Sitting there on your fat ass?
Stewie: told ya.
Dean: Well what about?
Lois: well it seems that my credits have been revoked. I went here some years ago , and I wanted to know what I could do about it.
Dean: oh ! You must have been part of the group of students who we reviewed last month. Yes due to an event that occurred here that year we came to the conclusion that there was no way students here were receiving a proper education.
Lois:event? What event ?
Dean: Milly Vanilli sold out a concert here.
Lois: wh... well, there must be something I can do Dean Schallit, I didn't even go to that concert for that long. Please. This experience really meant a lot to me , and now it's gonna be like it never even happened at all.
Dean: I really shouldn't be doing this. But the voices in my head are telling me that I should help you out. So here's what I'll do. If you want to pull your transcript, I'll let you stay and attend all those classes and if you pass them, they'll be fully reinstated.
Lois: oh thank you Dean . Thank you so much. I knew you weren't sinister. The way Hillary and Bill are behind closed doors.
Cutaway: Slow zoom in on Hillary smoking cigarette near a window inside the same house in house of cards. Bill: does this mean we've officially not quit? Hillary: we've never really been quitters have we.
Next scene.
Lois walking into class with stewie.
Lois: oh let's hurry up and get a seat. I wanna make sure and get a good one.
Stewie: where'd you get a laptop so quickly.
(Student listening to music on his phone, but loudly and without headphones)
He leans over to student next to him. Everybody's whispering but he nods his head to the music with his long hair going back and forth and he yells : I'm an asshole!
Lois: (to student next to her) Hey. I'm Lois. Today's my first day. Well not really. I went here years ago. But now I'm back to earn my credits back.
Student : hey. I'm Connor. Nice to meet you.
Lois: is this 4302 ? I wanna make sure I'm in the right class.
Connor: yea this is it. Oh. There goes the professor.
Professor walks in. They all stand up, (except for lois) out of their chairs at attention. The professor takes a deep breath, taking it all in, and whips his hair. And then in a grand gesture, let's lets them know that they may be seated. He points at lois. "That's a letter grade, infidel."
Professor : alright class. Welcome to introduction to macroeconomics. Today we will learn about why you WON'T be speaking Chinese in a few years... You'll be speaking Korean. If you would all please turn your books to chapter 7.
Stewie: 7? is that the one after 5?
Lois: (Starts taking notes. Pen runs out) oh no. My pens out.
Connor: here . You can borrow mine.
Lois: thanks.
Connor: sure. don't Mention it.
Stewie: so now you dont even need the laptop?
(Montage of Lois taking copious notes in all the classes. One of the shots shows a professor doing unwarranted backflips around the classroom.)
Lois: wow. I'm making real progress here. It's even making me want to call Bonnie.
Cutaway: Bonnie and Lois are splitsscreen talking over the phone. Lois is patronizing about the stuff shes learned with glasses on. Bonnie is nodding along.
Bonnie: those glasses are from the drug store.
Lois : here comes Connor.
Connor: hey Lois. How's it going so far.
Lois: great. Thanks for letting me borrow you're adderrall. That statistics test was killer.
Connor: any time. Hey listen. Me and some friends are having a little get together later. At the suites on the other side of campus. Not the box dorms on this side of campus because we're not poor. if you have some time, you should come by.
Lois: oh my god Yes Yes Yes! I mean, ahem. Yea sure whatevs. When is it? Maybe . I dont know.
Connor: here. Here's my suite number. Be there at around 10.
Lois: alright.
Connor: alright see you there.
Lois: oh my god yay. I just got invited to a college party. I still got it. Not like a dad who kinda sorta knows how to fix a car.
Cutaway: guy rolls out from under a car. Agh Johnny looks like you have a broken radiator cuff down here. Yahhhhhh. I'm gonna have to disconnect it and throw her into idle just to see if its still working or not. Yep, this might take all afternoon. Johnny: I told you when I brought it to you that it has a flat tire. (zoom out , and the back tire is flat.) Johnny: radiator cuff isn't even a part of a car, dad.
"Don't tell your mother."
Next scene
Lois : this party is Lit!
Rollo walks in: they uncancelled me to let you know , (clears throat), no. never again. (Walks off)
Connor: hey Lois! I'm so glad you could make it!
Lois: yea. I cant stay too long though. I have another party to go too soon.
Connor: really? I didn't know there were any other parties tonight. And I checked. Im that kind of petty asshole. I need all of the attention on campus. Where is it at?
Lois: aaaatttt the quad...-center...-village-apartments. This guy named Chad.
Connor: Lois , I know your lying. The only other apartments around here are the quad center community apartments. And the only Chad there is my brother. And he's here tonight.
Lois: hehe. Yea. You caught me I guess. I'm just so nervous . I feel like I half to impress.
Connor: you certainly don't dress like it, but come on, we've got beer over here. That should calm you down.
Lois: okay . That sounds great.
Stewie: I need ONE beer and then I'm gonna smash these diptards at some fifa.
(They're at the table where beer is at.)
Connor: pick your poison. but If you're poison is anything other than pabst blue ribbon, you'll have to go somewhere else.
Stewie: pabst? Is this a party or a monster truck rally? Uh? Am I right? (Looks at person next to him. Insists once more.) Uh?
Person: no.
Stewie: oh... .
Person: yea . If you had to ask , how funny did you really think it was gonna be?
Stewie: all right geez.
Person: No. Not all right. I'm the funny guy around here, and if you're gonna come for me at least respect the craft.
Stewie: okay .
Person: yea. (Walks off. )
Connor : Lois , ur downing those suckers pretty fast.
Lois: (snickers) Uncle Jefferey .. you're, you're funny. Why are you always so nice to me when I'm dizzy?
Connor: you want to play a little beer pong?
Lois : sure.
Connor: alright come over here.
( guy with wrestling-sized champion belt around his waste approaches table. He points a Lois menacingly. )
Youuuuuuu wanna PONG?!
Lois: (snickers again) yea. I'm the queen.
Cage drops over them and the table.
Stewie: (Looks at screen.) Leave the camera there after . I'm gonna use this cage for, for other stuff ...later.
She wins without trying.
Connor: wow your a natural athlete, lois. Say, My dad is a coach here. Would want to play for the volleyball team?
Lois: you m, m, mean like... intramural?
Connor: (scoffs) no. No, no, no, no. My father is a real coach.
Lois: then yea. I'm up for whatever.
(Jerome peeks back up again from behind a couch. )
Back to Peter Griffin.
to me
Clownie: (to Peter) hey I really like you guys. I'm gonna show you my quahog.
Peter: you look like you show your quahog to a lot of strangers.
Clownie: I just got off. You should come with me so I can show you around town.
Peter: that sounds great. Me and the fellas were just saying we needed an adventure.
Quaqmire: well we're all at the age where adventure should mean picking the gobstoppers instead of the m&Ms at a matinee. But yea. Let's go with jigsaw.
Clownie: hey ! We take offense to that phrase!
Quagmire: jigsaw?
Clownie: Yea!
Quagmire: what? Why?
Clownie: well, you know, do I go around saying every white guy is John Wayne Gacy?
Quagmire: that doesn't even make sense.
Cleveland: yea. And , historically speaking, you kind of could.
Clownie: just watch your mouths.
Peter: to the town!
(They're walking down the sidewalk in Clownies part of town)
Peter: (looks at persons feet walking buy.)
Socks and flip flops are kind of an either or situation, in case you didn't get the memo. (Person ignores him. Peter waves him off in disregard.) Ehh He didn't get the memo.
Quagmire: where are we headed clownie.
Clownie: to a dive bar fellas!
Cleveland: dive bar? But that's not adventure. I go to the one on Cedar street all the time.
Clownie : no this is a real dive bar. They don't even serve alcohol here. Just crank.
Peter: crank what?
Clownie: (through his teeth aggressively.) your friggin mind, that's what.
Quagmire: this is a bad idea.
Clownie: (opens door to bar.) Come on in.
(Bartender is a woman with only one leg)
Bartender: How the (beep) can I help y'all ( really long beep)?
Clownie: save the pleasantries JIll. We ain't cops.
Jill: oh. Good. I'll go back to takin a shit back here then. (Squats down on one leg behind bar)
Quagmire: i... I need to get in on that. (He disappears off screen towards the bar).
Clownie: so what do you say fellas? A pint each?
Cleveland: of Smith and Forge Dry Hard Cider if you got it.
Clownie: be right back .
Peter: (to Cleveland.) There's a used rubber on my shoe.
Cleveland: judging by the look of this place , your not the only thing that's been CON-DEMNED.
quick cutaway: goose with the EH? face.
Peter: boy, I can really feel the hopelessness here. Where is Obama now.
Cleveland: yea. That we're not that proud of him anymore may be America's best kept secret.
Peter: (laughs) it's not a secret to the rest of us, its never been.
Clownie comes back.
Clownie: here we go.
Peter: that's toilet water.
Clownie: you got a trust me Peter. It's my Quahog, remember.
Cleveland: my cousin Dontavious says pruno is actually not too bad. But then again, he can't even rob a bank right in Boston, so what does he know.
Peter: if you say so clownie.
Quagmire makes it back.
Quagmire: alright. She's out of bodily fluids.
Peter: did you ask her if she likes hops?
Quagmire: I did. I did ask if she likes hops.
Peter: good. I have two big chinned friends she has alot in common with... That is all.
Quagmire: enough about her. Let's get drunk.
(They all tilt their pints bottoms up.)
Peter: hey this isn't too bad.
Clownie: yea. It tastes better than your wife.
Peter: hey!... She's been through alot down there don't you judge.
Quagmire: guys , do any of you have Seth Rogens number?
Peter: why?
Quagmire: because I feel a drunk montage coming on.
Peter: yay!
Back to Lois.
(She's playing volleyball. Connor is sitting with stewie in his lap in the stands. Lois scores a point.)
Connor: go, Loisss! (Holds Stewie up in the air facing him. Speaks in baby voice.) Your mommy is so good! Yes she is! Shes very good at volleyball!
Stewie: I'm about three seconds from wiping scopolamine over that pretty face of yours.
(Shot of Lois serving a shot. Her ads cheeks wobble excessively. Then under each cheek appears the levers from pinball machine. After some tries, the levers get the ball successfully in her asscrack).
(Game is over. Connor and stewie go down to congratulate lois.)
Connor: Wow, Lois, your a better volleyball player than the Brazilian chick. That's an even stranger thing than the show Stranger Things.
Stewie: I heard the wood panel budget on that show was like 40 grand.