Finally by Betty Bokor
Sam/Daniel. An accident changes the lives of two friends.
Spoilers: All seasons, including 9.
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.
Finally
Finally, after weeks of uncertainty and desperation, the last traces of the plague had been eliminated. Sam was simply relieved that the nightmare had ended. Cam and Daniel had retrieved DNA from the Prior of the Ori the one who had initiated the plague right on time for Orlin to finish the antidote. That had been another battle, one with an indisputable casualty; Orlin was dead and there was no certainty as to his chances for ascension. He had not become a "glowy creature" like Daniel had the first time, but, after all, she didn't know what had happened the second time. She could only hope that wherever Orlin was, he was in peace.
After all the tension of the last weeks, and before they could resume their efforts to stop the Ori, they all needed a break. Jack had taken care of that; he had invited SG-1 the latest version, including Cam to his cabin by the pond, in Minnesota, and, for once, nobody had complained. Sam and Daniel had already packed and were ready to leave. Teal'c, who was still trying to help the new Jaffa nation, which seemed adrift after their leader had joined the Ori side, would be back two days later. Cam was going to wait at the base in order to fly to Minnesota and then drive to the cabin with him.
Early on Monday, Daniel finished loading his car and got ready to drive with Sam to the airport. They left Colorado Springs at 6:30 in the morning. Roughly two hours later, the plane landed smoothly at the Minneapolis-Saint Paul International Airport. The scientists picked up their rental Land Rover and began their way to the cabin. Because of the change of time zone, it was already 10:00 am. They had at least an eight-hour drive ahead but they didn't mind because it was a beautiful winter day. Daniel drove for the first five hours. Then, they found a small fast-food restaurant and they stopped to have something to eat and stretch their legs. After the stop, Sam sat in the driver's seat and they resumed their trip. They planned to be at Jack's after sunset.
While Sam was driving, Daniel kept up a light conversation with her, as she had done while he was driving. Everything was going according to their plans. On their last call to Jack, right after they had left the restaurant, they had gotten the final directions to find the cabin. Jack had promised to welcome them with dinner.
The road was flat, quite different from what they were used to encountering in Colorado, and the landscape was peaceful and pleasing. A winter storm had brought some snow during the previous week and, even though four to eight inches had been reported in some northern communities, there was not much snow left on their path. Right after passing by a small grove of trees, Sam spotted a blurry figure speeding toward the highway in the fading light. She swerved and forcefully applied the brakes at the same time as Daniel shouted "Deer!" with a strangled cry. After that, everything became confusion in the early twilight.
When the vehicle finally stopped moving, Sam tried to make a rapid assessment of the situation. She had not been able to avoid the heavy animal that had been startled by their lights. There was not much daylight left and it was hard to distinguish what was what inside the car. She could see Daniel still held by his seat belt, but he was not moving. The deer had hit Daniel's side of the front of the Rover after being lifted by the initial impact. Sam was thankful that it had only touched the front corner of the vehicle and not hit the windshield with its body. She knew what nightmarish consequences that could have brought.
There were small pieces of glass everywhere. Sam released her belt and touched Daniel. She could feel his pulse, steady under her fingers. As she was trying to find out more about his condition, Daniel regained consciousness. He looked at her. In the dim light of the interior of the car, she saw his vacant stare and started to panic. She softly called his name, while pressing her fingers on his left arm. He didn't respond for a minute; he just kept looking at her, unable to focus. He was trying to tell her something but he only was able to slowly articulate a couple of words. By sheer knowledge of Daniel's nature, she understood what he was trying to ask, "Are you all right, Sam?" She nodded but he was not paying attention; it seemed he was having a hard time concentrating.
Sam decided to take action. First, she tried to restart the car, to get the heating going and use the lights to see if they could get out of there. Nothing happened. She tried again with no results. She got out of the battered car and walked towards Daniel's door. She could see the figure of the dead animal some twenty meters behind them. The vehicle had ended its run against a tree, but, by then, only inertia had kept it moving and that last impact had been less destructive. She opened Daniel's door and tried to check him for any spinal injury. If he had any, she would probably worsen it by moving him, but there was not much else she could do. Beside a clear lack of coordination, Daniel's reflexes seemed normal. She was thankful that both had been buckled up at the time of the accident.
Daniel didn't seem to have any major injuries; only small cuts here and there, caused by the glass fragments thrown at them. She noticed she had some, too. Both airbags had deployed and that had prevented their faces from getting as many cuts.
With the help of her flashlight she kept checking Daniel, before she dared unbuckle him. She suddenly realized that a large bruise was forming right above his forehead. All her training as the medic on SG-1 helped her finally understand; the brief loss of consciousness, the impaired attention, the delayed response, all were symptoms of concussion. She only hoped it was not severe.
The night was getting colder by the minute and the car didn't offer much relief with all the broken windows. She remembered having spotted some kind of building ahead of them, about two hundred meters from where they had finally stopped. She imagined that once there, they could rest and wait for help. All of a sudden, she realized that she had not called anyone to ask for help. She searched for her cell phone and tried to dial, but there was no signal. She searched in Daniel's pocket and tried again with his cell, except there was nothing there, either. "Great!" she thought. "Lost somewhere without even a miserable telephone signal!"
Daniel seemed more lucid by the minute. "What's just happened?" he asked with some confusion still in his eyes.
"You don't remember, Daniel?" Sam asked him.
"No," he doubted, "not really."
"I hit a deer that crossed in front of us. I'm sorry; I couldn't avoid it. I was not able to see it coming because of the trees in the curve," she explained with sadness. "He didn't make it."
"Are you all right?" he asked again.
She smiled at him. Always worried about others. "I'm okay, Daniel, but I think you may have a concussion."
"I'm fine, just a little headache. What do you think we should do?"
"The car is not working. I saw a building in the distance. Didn't look like a house but it may shelter us. Even if Jack notices we are not there on time, I don't know how long it will take him to find us here. We ended up far from the road, among the trees. It will be difficult to spot us, or any debris we left on the highway, in this darkness. It's getting colder and it may snow. I think we should try and get to the building. Do you think you can walk?" she concluded.
"Sure. Let's pick up our backpacks so that we have some needs covered, and we'll get on our way. I saw you trying with the cell phones… Not working, eh?"
"Nope, no signal here."
"All right; let's get out of here." He carefully released his seat belt and got out of the car. A wave of nausea hit him with full strength and he only had time enough to move away from Sam before he had to vomit. He fell on his knees and stayed there until the episode ended. When he stopped vomiting, Sam carefully helped him stand up while she reached for a handkerchief in her pocket. He accepted the tissue and cleaned his face. He promptly reached out and held himself against the vehicle.
"What?" Sam asked with worry.
"Just a little dizziness, but it's passing. Don't worry. I'm fine," he answered softly.
She felt guilt and anguish for having put him in that situation. "Let me get our bags. I'll carry them. They are not heavy," she said as she opened the trunk and retrieved the luggage. He wouldn't accept that; he grabbed his backpack and hung it on his back. She picked up a couple of light blankets she carried on a roll with a small pillow she had felt uncomfortable before in Jack's cabin and this time she had come prepared and closed the trunk.
They walked slowly for about twenty minutes until they finally reached the building. It looked as if it had been some kind of storage facility in the past, but now it was abandoned. There were no windows, and the big double door was not locked. The floor was plain dirt and the walls were covered with old white paint.
When Sam tried to reclose the doors, they creaked loudly. Daniel instinctively covered his ears and shivered. Sam's concern increased. They chose a corner that seemed more protected from any wind coming from under the doors and put one of the blankets on the floor. They laid out some of their clothes from their packs, too, to soften their makeshift bed. Daniel found a bottle of water in his pack and used it to brush his teeth; then he passed it to Sam. She cleaned her own teeth and, with the help of the flashlight, they cleaned their small cuts. Sam checked his hematoma and confirmed her suspicions. It didn't look good.
After enjoying some chocolate bars that Daniel had brought in his pack, they decided to rest. They lay down side by side on the blanket on the floor and covered themselves with the other. Daniel seemed very tired and he couldn't tolerate the bright light of their SGC-issue flashlight, so she had to turn it off. Sam wanted to keep him awake but he kept falling into a light sleep. She did not give up, however, and, every time, she shook him softly and started a new conversation. In one of these occasions, Daniel opened his eyes with surprise and started talking fast.
"Oh, God. I'm so happy that you're here with me. I missed you so much all that time that you were away from me. You don't know how much I love you. All those chances I had to tell you and I always let them pass without saying anything, taking you for granted… but you're here now, back with me, and we won't be apart any longer," he said and reached out for Sam. He pulled her softly towards him and hugged her caringly.
Sam was stunned. "He is confused because of the concussion. He thinks he is back with Sha're," she thought. She couldn't bring herself to break his illusion. She just stayed near him and held him back.
"So many nights I stayed awake," Daniel continued talking, "afraid I would lose you forever, without ever having this opportunity to make up for all my selfishness, for all my pride. I feared I wouldn't see you again, see the love and care you put in everything you do. How you're always there for me and for everybody else. You are so brave, tough, bright, and, at the same time, so feminine and kind. So, so beautiful!" He caressed her hair and added, "I'm so sorry for everything you've had to endure these past years. So much pain, so much heartache. I should have never left you alone, not even for an instant. I'm so afraid to lose you…"
"Wow! Definitely Sha're," Sam confirmed in her mind. She didn't have time to reflect much longer because Daniel pulled her face up in the darkness and kissed her. She was unsure of what to do, but she felt a rush of warmth running through her body and she responded to his kiss without thinking. It was passionate and tender, different from any kiss she had experienced before. When he finally let her go, she had trouble breathing again. Daniel started kissing her neck before she had even begun to formulate a plan to stop him. While her mind was debating whether accepting his caresses was taking advantage of a sick and confused friend, her body kept responding to Daniel's attention. How could she stop him when he was making her feel so wonderful? She didn't remember ever having felt this aroused simply because of some kisses. When he started pushing her shirt up, her mind lost the battle with her body and heart. If that was what he needed, right there and then, she was going to give it to him, no matter the consequences. After all, she didn't even know if he would make it alive out of there and it had all been her fault. "If only he felt this way for me" was her last coherent thought.
While the snow was falling softly outside, Sam, despite everything she had hoped for from Jack for almost ten years, kept dreaming that Daniel was loving her and not Sha're.
It was already 5:00 in the morning and they were still at least two and a half hours away from sunrise. Jack was getting increasingly annoyed by the slowness of the rural search and rescue services. He kept driving back and forth down the same stretch of highway in the hopes of finding any clues as to what had happened to his friends, but he had achieved nothing yet. As soon as it had become evident that they were suspiciously late, Jack had started trying to contact them. Their telephones seemed dead. By 9:00 in the evening he had called the SGC and a team including Dr. Lam had been dispatched to help him. Highly ranked members of the SGC didn't disappear into thin air for no reason. They could hope for the best but they had to be ready for the worst.
When the first lights of the morning started to filter from under the doors, Sam awoke disoriented. She stretched slowly, feeling happy, satisfied, warm, held by a strong arm. She had her head against Daniel's chest but she didn't think anything of it. It took her a couple of minutes to remember what had happened the day before and, immediately after that, she remembered what had happened the night before. She sat up as if galvanized by a jolt of electricity. Her clothes were in complete disarray –that is the clothes she still had on her– and the rest were dispersed around on their bed. She started fixing herself while deep guilt began squeezing her from inside. How could she have taken advantage of Daniel like that? And, why? She couldn't even begin to answer those questions. She tried to pull herself together and think of their situation right then and there. How could they get help? That was the right question at the moment. She had to concentrate on it and, later, she could figure out the rest. She was certain Jack was already looking for them- wow, Jack! She hadn't thought of him at all the night before. Now she felt like she had betrayed him, like she had been unfaithful. She needed to erase any indications of what had happened, in case Jack found them, to at least avoid giving explanations until later. She softly moved Daniel, who seemed to be in a deep sleep, and fixed his clothing as much as she could. She felt it was wrong touching his body like that, even after the events of the night before. She would have to wake him up soon to finish the task together, but first she wanted to check his bruise. It was uglier in the morning light. It looked bigger and darker and her concern doubled.
She finally gathered her courage and woke him up carefully. He slowly opened his eyes and closed them back immediately while grabbing his head.
"Daniel, what's going on?" she asked, worried.
He took a second to compose himself and then answered, "I'm fine. It's a headache… The light…" He took a deep breath and then uncovered his eyes. "I'm just a little dizzy."
"Do you know where we are? Do you remember?" she asked cautiously.
"I remember… the deer, that's all. I can't seem to recall how we got here. Are you all right?"
"Fine. Actually, I'm great," she said with a full, relieved smile. "We had an accident, but we're doing okay. I'm sure Jack will find us soon. Why don't you get up slowly and get dressed. It's getting colder."
He was surprised that he was not wearing his shirt or pants, but didn't think it would be appropriate to ask her why he had chosen to go to sleep like that. She was fully dressed and everything else looked fine. "I'm trying to remember," he said with a sigh, "but nothing's coming back yet."
"Don't force yourself." She panicked. This was not the time or the place to have that discussion. "I believe you have a concussion. Perhaps you will remember later. Let's concentrate on what to do now. Jack must be near. We should open the doors and check the road for traffic. If I see any vehicles, I'll ask for help," she said while helping him arrange his clothing.
He was quite disoriented and let her do. When she thought the events of the previous night would not be obvious anymore, she tucked him under the blanket and let him rest.
Jack was happy the SGC team was searching with him now. He thought new eyes would have a better chance and he was not wrong. Around 8:00 in the morning, one of the young airmen that had come with Lam spotted a dead animal on the side of the road and, in rapid succession, the damaged car and a couple of small figures by a building in the distance. They all rushed towards the stranded teammates and were welcomed with shows of appreciation. Jack checked that they were both reasonably fine after their ordeal and left Lam to take care of the rest. He occupied himself giving orders regarding the scene of the accident while Lam took Sam and Daniel to the back of the emergency van they had brought in case medical attention was needed. After a superficial examination and a brief talk with both of them, she confirmed that all Sam's injuries were minor and that Daniel's major problems were his probable concussion and the hematoma; she suspected something else but she needed more medical equipment to prove it. She decided to take them both to the best-equipped hospital in the area, where they were already prepared and expecting them. Sam insisted that what they first needed was the chance to take a quick shower, and even if Dr. Lam was about to object, the desperation in Sam's eyes pushed her to accept. She was not sure what had happened during all those hours while they had been lost, but it was not her place to found out or judge them, as long as it didn't interfere with her job.
Sam was released long before Dr. Lam came back with Daniel's results. The doctor didn't look worried and that calmed Jack and Sam's anxiety.
"Well, it's better than I thought. I was afraid that there could be an epidural hematoma, but we performed a CAT scan and even an MRI, and everything is fine. There is, no doubt, concussion, but it's not severe. According to what you and Daniel have told me, he showed many of the immediate, acute signs of this kind of concussion after the accident. He still has some of the delayed symptoms, the persistent headache, fatigue, and some confusion as to the events of the last day. We'll keep him here one more day for observation, but, then, the best treatment would be to have some rest. I know how difficult is to get Dr. Jackson to do that sometimes, but if you all continue with your little vacation, it could help. I'll prescribe some painkillers for his headache and that would be all we can do."
Jack decided to stay with Daniel while Sam was taken to the cabin to rest for the remainder of the day. She would come back in the evening to relieve Jack. The following day, with the full SG-1 in Minnesota, they would start planning the rest of the week.
Sam did not actually sleep at all. She couldn't stop thinking about the events of the day before, the night before, as a matter of fact. First, she tried to decide how she was going to deal with Jack. Her first impulse had been to tell him everything and look for his forgiveness, but then she had started having seconds thoughts. Why would she tell him anything? It was not like he told her anything about his own life. He had not said a word before or after she had caught him with Agent Johnson. He had not apologized or… Well, she had been dating Pete at the time… but she had told him everything about it; she had even asked for his advice. He hadn't looked very concerned about her relationship with Pete, now that she thought about it. What did Jack really feel for her? All these years she had believed that the Air Force regulations were what had been keeping them apart. Now, there were no rules between them and, still, nothing had happened. Was he expecting her to make the first step? He didn't seem like the shy type to her. Perhaps, all the flirting over the years had been just that, flirting –no consequences attached. She didn't dare to think so. Oh, no… It sounded so logical. Maybe, that was the answer; if he hadn't done anything, it was just because he didn't want to; he didn't want her.
She sat up in bed hit by the revelation. He didn't care for her that way. He cared for her more than he should care for another soldier, but he also cared for Daniel and Teal'c as much. Sometimes she thought he cared for Daniel more than for anybody else, even behind all their ranting and sparring. Only God knew what deeply bonding spiritual connection they had forged on that fist mission to Abydos.
How could she have been so blind? What had she been thinking? And most of all, how did she feel about this? She tried to calm down, expecting the full blow of grief and disappointment to hit her, but nothing happened. In fact, she felt relieved. She understood her actions of the previous night better now. Okay, so Jack was not in love with her… She was not in love with him, either! At least not anymore. That hit her. That shocked her deeply. She had been building her life on a mirage for years. Now that the illusion was broken, what was left? She threw herself back against the pillow and cried for a moment, while her mind rushed from one idea to another.
She calmed herself and tried to go back to logic once more. Where did all this leave Daniel? Hundreds of images rushed through her mind at the thought of Daniel. Images of care, support, understanding, forgiveness. Images of brightness, singularity, and passion. She had found all those qualities in Daniel, in everything he did. He was as fundamental to her as the air she breathed. The year he had spent ascended had been, without any doubt, the most painful year of her life. She had taken him for granted so many times before that… and after his return, too. Even now, after his second come back. She was so used to getting to the base early in the morning and going straight to share the first coffee with him, that she considered it her right. Daniel was there whenever she needed him and that was how the world worked. What would happen if he married someone, one day, and all the time he gave her in the evenings and weekends was taken from her? All the shared movies, meals and long conversations. All the calls after midnight when the world seemed to be falling from under her feet. What would happen if he left the SGC? What if he died again and this time he didn't come back? That was it. She could see it clearly. That was why she had made love with him last night. She was terrified of losing him and to hold him, to kiss him, to love him, gave her the confirmation that he was still there, alive and hers.
She got out of the bed to try and reestablish her breathing that seemed to have left her. HERS? What did she mean by hers? Since when did she have any rights over Daniel? She sat back down on the edge of the bed and held her face between her hands. This she had not expected.
Then, another realization hit her. Last night, she had not been helping a broken friend; she had not been giving consolation in a moment of despair. She had been taking something from him, getting what she wanted. Getting what he wouldn't have given her if he had known reality from dream, if he had known she was not his beloved wife, but only his friend. After all these years, he still loved her. What would she give now to have the right to any small portion of the passion he had showed her the night before?
The weight of all these revelations hit her fully then. She went back to bed feeling sad, confused, and guilty, profoundly guilty. Unable to process her feelings anymore, she cried herself to sleep.
When Sam got to Daniel's room that night to relieve Jack by his bedside, she looked worse than when she had left. Dark rings under her eyes spoke of fatigue and pain.
"Are you sure you're okay, Carter? You look like crap," Jack blurted out as soon as he saw her.
She smiled softly and answered, "I'm fine, sir. I guess the events from yesterday caught up with me, but I'm all right. How is he doing?"
"Okay, Carter; he's fine. That thing on his temple looks bad, but the doc says he's doing fine. He's been sleeping most of the day. I don't think he'll wake up for you. Do you need me to bring you anything before I leave?"
"No, sir. Thank you. I got a couple of magazines at the stand on the first floor and I took the liberty of borrowing one of your books from the cabin. I also have some cookies. I'm all set, sir."
"Okay, Carter. I'll be back tomorrow morning to pick up both of you. Call if you need anything. Good night."
"Good night, sir."
After Jack left, Sam sat by Daniel's bedside and contemplated him. She had been so close to losing him again. All the emotions she had discovered this afternoon came running to her while she looked at him. A little sob escaped her.
As if on cue, Daniel opened his eyes just a little bit and tried to distinguish who was there. Without his glasses it was difficult, but he knew Sam was sitting by his side. He would have recognized her presence anywhere. Even with his eyes closed.
She moved closer to him, trying to decide if he had actually opened his eyes, when he raised a hand and touched her face. He felt a tear on her cheek and was immediately alarmed.
"What's going on? Are you all right, Sam?"
"Yeah, I'm fine, Daniel." She smiled at him. "Just a little emotional today. Go back to sleep."
He closed his eyes, lowered his hand and seemed like he was about to sleep, when, suddenly, he reopened his eyes with panic and said, "I'm sorry, Sam, I'm so sorry. I don't know how I could have done that to you!"
She was startled for a second and then she was concerned. "What? What do you mean?" she tried.
"I remember, Sam. I remember what happened yesterday night. I don't know how I could have done that to you," he repeated. He closed his eyes to keep the tears in them from falling.
She was stunned but she regained her composure and talked softly to him. "You didn't do anything that I didn't let you do. I was there, too, okay? I did it with you. It felt right and I'm not upset about it."
He had semi-straightened himself up against the back of the bed and was now intently looking at her, trying to discern if she was telling him the truth.
She sat facing him, on the side of the bed. "I hope you are not mad, Daniel. I knew you were thinking I was Sha're, but I couldn't bring myself to tell you." She lowered her eyes with pain.
He was confused. "You thought… you knew I was thinking of Sha're and you didn't stop me?"
"I know, I'm sorry. It looked like you really needed someone. I couldn't tell you." She lowered her eyes again, and looked broken. "Please, forgive me, Daniel. Don't be mad at me."
He was still trying to process all the information. She had done that for him? And she was apologizing? How could he ever repay her for such sacrifice? He reached out and brought her to his chest. She had started crying softly and it broke his heart. "Sam, look at me," he said as he looked down to her. She raised her head slightly against his chest and looked, still with tears in his eyes. "There's nothing I have to forgive you for; you don't have to apologize. It was my entire fault. I don't know how the hit on my head affected me, but I should have controlled my actions. If you are willing to try to forget it, I'll do the same and we'll be back where we started yesterday morning. All right?"
Forget it? He wanted her to forget it? That was a night she would not forget for the rest of her life. It was like a secret treasure. She would not bring it up again, if that made him happy, but she would not forget.
"I won't bring it up again if you won't, okay?" she said shyly.
"Thank you. You're too important to me. What I mean is, your friendship is very important to me. I don't think I could stand to lose it," he finished.
"You'll always have it, Daniel." She began straightening and moving back to her chair while trying to push him down. "Now, go back to sleep. Everything will be fine in the morning."
"One more thing, please, Sam. Did I say her name, did I offend you?"
"No, you didn't. You didn't say her name. I just knew. You talked about how much you had missed her, how much you loved her… It was beautiful. Any woman would be happy to be loved that way. I know she suffered so much, but she was lucky to have had your love to give her strength on harder times." She tucked him in, kissed his forehead, and sat back. He closed his eyes and all the fatigue caused by his injury caught up with him. He was sleeping in a minute.
During the next two days the five members of SG-1 followed their plan. They fixed great meals and barbecued together. They rested and watched movies by a cozy fire. They shared interesting stories and bonded. Even Jack felt in the mood for sharing. Cam felt welcomed to the band and he enjoyed the camaraderie they offered him. Teal'c was surprised to enjoy this visit to the cabin; ever since other teammates had started joining Jack and him, things had gone far better.
Teal'c was the first one to notice and the first one to do something about it. On Friday afternoon, he approached Sam, who was alone by the pier, seemingly lost in thought, and talked to her.
"Colonel Carter, are you and DanielJackson well?" he asked without preamble.
"Yes, Teal'c; thank you. The consequences of the accident were minor, considering-"
"I was not referring to the accident, colonel. DanielJackson and you have been acting strangely the last two days."
"What do you mean?" she asked feigning ignorance.
"I am certain you do not need me to explain the details, but if you do not trust me as a friend, I understand," he said solemnly and started walking backwards away from her.
"Hey, Teal'c, wait. Don't leave. I really don't have anyone else to tell this. I trust you with my life, my friend. I may as well trust you with my secret." Teal'c stopped leaving and got back closer to her.
"I am listening," he said.
"There's nothing really wrong between Daniel and me. It's that… eh, I… Oh, gosh! The night of the accident we slept together. That's it. I said it."
Teal'c looked confused. He tried to understand. "I believe that was the logical thing to do. You were both alone in the same building. You have slept with DanielJackson in the same tent before."
She interrupted him, "No, Teal'c. What I mean is that we made love. We had sex. Do you understand now?"
"Indeed," he said calmly. "I have told you in other occasions that that practice is not discouraged among Jaffa warriors. You were under strenuous circumstances. I still fail to see what the source of your discomfort is."
Sam sighed. "If it had been just that, I think I would be over it, but there's more to it."
"Was it unpleasant? Were you unwilling? Were you hurt?"
"No! He would never… No." She sighed. "It was great, actually. Just, just… Daniel was confused and he thought he was with Sha're."
"I see. Did he tell you so? Did he say her name?"
Sam let a little laugh escape her.
"Did I say something humorous?" Teal'c asked without comprehending.
"No, I'm sorry, Teal'c. It's that Daniel asked the same question."
"I see. What was your answer?"
"No. He didn't mention her. I just knew."
"Did DanielJackson corroborate your theory?" he dared.
"Yeah. Well, no. He didn't say anything about it. He just kept apologizing."
Teal'c raised his head as if he were about to say something and then he changed his expression. "Would you, perhaps, have thought his words applied to you, say, in other circumstances?"
Sam smiled and shook her head sadly. "No, Teal'c. He was talking about deep love, the kind that implies commitment, a shared life. He talked about longing and the need to express his feelings. He talked about the fear of losing her again. He thought he was back with her. It's clear."
"DanielJackson knows he has lost his wife forever. He has shared with me how the years have softened the raw edges of his pain. His fear now is to lose you, Samantha. I believe he was talking to you."
"No! He was confused because of the concussion. He would have never said anything like that to me," she countered anxiously.
"He shares his life with you, Samantha. Where does he spend most of his time in base or his free time? With whom? There is no other person closer to his heart. He may not be willing to share his feelings for you for fear of rejection. Perhaps, the effects of his injure gave him the freedom to speak the truth."
Sam was about to object when a little bit of hope stopped her. "Do you think he cares about me that way?"
"I know he cares very deeply about you. You may as well expose your own feelings and confront him."
"My feelings? You know?"
"I have known that you love him for the longest time."
She was utterly surprised. She didn't even know that a couple of days ago. She had definitely been blind, in many ways. She leaned toward Teal'c and pressed her fingers on his hand. "Thank you, Teal'c. You've always been a good friend." She gave him a little kiss on the cheek and smiled. "Maybe I will talk to him about it. Another day. I just need a little bit more of courage, " she finished.
While Jack was on town getting some supplies, Cameron had convinced Daniel to take a walk in the woods. They had walked for about ten minutes, talking about the improvement in the weather and other light subjects, until they reached a clearing and Daniel asked to sit on a tree trunk for a while.
"So soon out of shape, Jackson? We've only had one week of vacation," Cam joked.
"I'm just a little dizzy and the day is so bright that it bothers me," Daniel said.
"Ah, I've had those symptoms before. It's still because of your concussion, right?"
"I believe so."
"Well, you are also having trouble sleeping and, though that could be part of the same problem, I think there's something else provoking your insomnia," Cam said with a smirk.
"I don't follow," Daniel said innocently.
"Well, O'Neill can play dumb as long as he wants to, but I don't care for that game. There's something wrong between you and Sam."
"What do you mean?"
"Look, Daniel. I know we haven't known each other for very long, but you and I, we understand each other. We are different and we complement each other. I'm proud of having you on SG-1 and I wouldn't change you for anyone else. The same goes for Sam and Teal'c. You three are the best at this and I'm learning from you. I admire you in particular. Sam and Teal'c, they are easier to understand, they are soldiers, like I am, but you, you're a mystery. You could be up there, sitting in an office even higher than O'Neill's, after all the things you've done. However, you're still here, battling side by side with us and, since I met you, you have given me the gift of your friendship." He stopped for a second to recover his breath after the long speech and Daniel took it to say his part.
"Thanks, Mitchell. You deserve it; we owe you our lives," he said.
"And I don't owe you mine? How many times in the last years have the four of you saved us all?"
"We could have done better-"
"Don't. Don't even try that. It's true. Accept it and move on." Daniel lowered his head. "Now," Cam continued, "back to the ranch. There's something wrong between Sam and you and I can't figure it out. I thought perhaps you'd like the chance to talk about it with a friend."
"Why do you think there's something wrong?" Daniel asked.
"Look. Since Carter came back from Nevada you two have been stapled at the elbow. Always together, working in each other's offices, spending your down time together… When I don't find one of you two, I know the other knows where to find the missing one, if you're not already together. According to Walter Harriman, who has been very useful in acquainting me with the history of the SGC and its people, you've always been that way, since the very beginning. 'Joined at the hip' he called it." Daniel's face showed that he still didn't know where this was coming from. "But," Cameron continued with an eloquent gesture, "but these last days, since you came back from the hospital, you've been avoiding each other. You don't even sit at the same side of the table, for heaven's sake! There's this tension between you. You don't look at each other's faces. You avoid each other's look like the plague. What the heck is going on?"
Daniel thought for a moment that he should deny it all, although, to whom would he talk about it? Jack? Cameron had become very close to him since he was assigned to lead SG-1. Cam respected him, which was more than he could say of Jack, especially in the last few years. He sighed and decided to put his trust in Cam. "I'm afraid she will know," he started.
"What?"
"That I've fallen in love with her," he finished slowly.
Cameron had been standing all along; he suddenly felt the need to sit down. He sat by Daniel's side on the trunk and asked, "Is this something new?"
"No," was the entire answer.
"How long have you been in love with her, then?"
"I'm not sure when it changed to that."
"Well, how long have you known for certain?" Cameron kept pushing.
"Since I returned from ascension."
"The second time," Cam reflected.
"Nope, the first," Daniel conceded.
"Wow. That's a long time. Why are you afraid now that she will discover it? Or better, why haven't you told her?"
"As to the second question, because she doesn't love me back. She loves Jack, in a twisted way that I don't understand."
Cam was stunned. "Are you sure?"
"I'm not sure of anything right now, but we've talked about it and Walter could tell you that everybody in the SGC believes it to be so."
"What about the first question then?"
"Ah, that's even worse." Cam looked expectantly at his friend. Daniel held his head in his hands between his legs and let it go. "On Monday night, after the accident, I really was not that aware of the situation. I was confused, dazed, and I told her the truth."
"So she knows," Cam inferred.
"No, she thought I was talking about Sha're. She felt so much pity that she didn't even stop me."
"Stop you from telling her?" Cam asked, confused too.
"No. I made love to her and she let me." Daniel felt relieved that someone knew now and would despise him as much as he despised himself. He leaned backwards against a tree and closed his eyes, waiting for the disapproval to come.
Cameron took some seconds to recover from the shock. That was definitely big.
"Let me get this straight, man. She thought you believed you were talking to your dead wife and she let you make love to her while still believing that in your mind you were having sex with your wife?" He asked, emphasizing the points that most shocked him.
Daniel simply nodded.
"Look, Daniel, I've known Sam since our Academy days. We're not close friends, but I know her pretty well. So, first, we know that you didn't make her do anything against her will, because she would have taken your head off before letting you." Daniel kept quiet. "Second, not many women would lend themselves to fill the fantasy of their best friend, especially that way, no matter how injured or lost you were. That leaves us with only one conclusion up to this point: she cares for you so deeply that she doesn't weigh the consequences of what you ask from her. She just gives you what you need, no questions asked." Daniel screwed his eyes shut to avoid crying. He felt so much pain for Sam. "Third, she is not resentful about it; she hasn't regarded this as a sacrifice, because, no matter how much you two have been avoiding each other, when there was no escape, she's only shown care and concern for you. I would say that the only logical deduction is to think that she loves you at least as much as you love her." He finished very satisfied with himself and waited for Daniel's reaction.
"No, that's not possible. We've talked about her feelings for Jack, many times. Nonetheless, some days I would think she didn't really love him, that she was fixated on him, especially after the Zatarc incident."
"I read the report. There's nothing there-"
"Jack admitted that he cared about her 'a lot more' than he was supposed to, and she did the same for him. After they both admitted that, they stopped being suspected as zatarcs."
"Aha. Not in the report, eh?"
"Nope."
"But she was engaged to that Pete a while ago; I remember that."
"Yes. By then, I thought she was over Jack, until she left him."
"She told you it was because of Jack?" Cam kept trying to figure it out.
"Yes. She was about to confront him."
"And?"
"Things were complicated. Jacob was dying, I was dead, Teal'c had problems with the other Jaffa, and Jack was having an affair with a CIA agent-"
"Did Sam know that?"
"She didn't, but she soon found out."
"How did she take it?"
"Unfortunately, I was not there to help her. By the time I came back, she had gotten over it. It really didn't seem to bother her."
"Maybe there's a reason for that. Maybe she doesn't really care about him that much anymore. Besides, why are they not together now? There's nothing to stop them."
"She's been waiting for him to approach her. It could happen any time, especially now that we're here. I believe he'll take the opportunity before we leave."
"Ah, Daniel, this is complicated."
"I know. Just back me up a little. I have to keep up the charade until they get together. After that, with no chance or hope, it will be easier, like before the accident. I will be able to shut off all those memories I have of her now."
"Was it good? I mean, I'm not a creep trying to know that. What I wonder is, did you feel a connection? Did it feel right?
"It felt perfect to me, but she was enduring it for me."
"Maybe she did enjoy it, Daniel. Regardless of what she feels for Jack, there's something very deep between the two of you. Maybe sex was just another way to express that."
Daniel just shook his head without hope. "I just don't want to talk about it anymore.'
"Okay, I won't bring it up until you need to talk about it again."
"Thanks, Cam. Someway, I feel better now."
"No problem, Jackson. Let's start walking back. It's getting colder."
By the time they got back to the cabin, Jack and the others were there. They fixed dinner and talked by the fire until late at night. The following morning they started cleaning up and packing.
Sam was busy trying to clean the den when Jack came from outside.
"Hey, Carter."
"Hey, sir. Where is everybody?" She stopped what she was doing and looked at him.
"Well, I am here. The boys went to town to get some presents; Teal'c went with them."
"Presents?"
"Yep; Daniel wanted something 'crafty' for Cassie's birthday."
"Oh, you're right. He told me last week." She went back to moving furniture around.
"Carter, can you stop doing that for a minute?"
"Sir?"
"I need you to pay attention." He grabbed one of her hands and he guided her to the sofa. "Sit down here, there you go." She was sitting down now. He sat on the small table in front of her. "Carter… Sam. You've been trying to tell me something for a while and I've never given you a real chance. I think we could talk about it now, before I head back to D.C. What do you think?"
Sam was astonished. After all that had happened, he still wanted her to be the one to do the talking. She felt some kind of pain, for all the years lost yearning for his affection, failing to see what she already had.
"Carter?"
"Yes, sir. I was putting my ideas in order, sir." He didn't like her sirs. He kept waiting. Sam gathered all her courage and started. "Well, sir, things have changed a lot since the last time I tried, but I'll try again. Would you be opposed to a relationship between two members of… let's say, the SGC?"
Jack was caught by surprise. He was expecting her to go straight to the point. "Are we talking two people in a commander-subordinate position?" he probed.
"Kind of. They were, before; not anymore, exactly."
"Aha. Well, if they were part of that small group of people who have saved this planet so many damned times, I would say they deserve to catch a break. Some exceptions could be made," he offered cautiously.
"Sir, this is very hard for me to tell you." She held her head with a hand to her forehead and closed her eyes. "For years now I've had this… kind of crush on you, sir." She raised her head and looked at him. "I always read something more that what you were really trying to communicate. I imagined a subtext to the way you looked at me, or the words you told me." Jack was about to interrupt her but she stopped him with a firm gesture. "Please, sir, you have to let me finish. It's hard." Jack sat backwards and she continued. "It took me a long time to figure out that there was nothing there and," she kept him from talking again, "and I have finally gotten over that, sir." Jack made a strenuous effort and kept his face impassible.
"Carter," he tried.
"Sir, I just want to apologize now, for everything I may have done or said that was inappropriate. You've been the best commanding officer I've ever had and I've learned more under your command that under anyone else's."
"Thank you, Carter. Let me-"
"One more thing, sir. I know it's time to move on. I may need your help. I may need you to cut me that break that you talked about." Jack was not following her and she noticed. She tried to make it clearer. "Before he died, my dad told me that I still could have everything I wanted, but I didn't know what I wanted. I know now; I know what I want and what I need to be happy. I almost have it all, including a job that I still love. I merely need him. I can only hope that he gets to feel the same way."
She leaned her back against the sofa and left Jack utterly confused. He tried to compose himself. He? Who was she talking about? "Carter?"
"Yes, sir," she answered eagerly.
"He, Carter? You're not talking of Mitchell, are you? No, he's still your commanding officer. T? You're talking about Teal'c?" he asked without showing his amusement.
"No, sir. Teal'c has something going on with Ishta," she answered.
"It cannot be Danny-boy, so that leaves-"
"Yes, sir, Daniel. He is the one," Sam said with a small smile.
"Daniel? Our Daniel?"
"Yes, sir."
He was dumbfounded. "Ah, I didn't know," he tried to sound happy. "So, you still don't know how he feels, eh?"
"Well, not exactly. I have an idea, but, you know men, sir, he could keep his feelings to himself until it was too late. Until he had lost me."
He felt the stab directly into his stomach. What did they say about wounds to the stomach? It bleeds slowly and it takes longer to die, painfully die.
"Are you planning on doing something about it, Carter?"
"Yes, sir. If you give us your blessing, sir, yes, I think I will push a little."
"Well, be careful, Carter. I know you two know each other very well, that you're good friends, but this is something different. Your relationship is of another kind. It's not like you've ever made out before or-"
"Actually, we have, sir, kind of." She couldn't believe that she had told him that. "Sorry, sir. That was too much information."
"No, Carter; we're talking serious business here. You said you have, sort of, made out with Danny. That was it? That's why you think you could have a chance? This is Daniel, Sam. He's been alone for so long," he said with a heavy tone of incredulity in his voice.
It hurt Sam. He was again underestimating Daniel. He couldn't conceive that someone could actually fall for Daniel and that Daniel could make that person happy. He kept emasculating Daniel. She decided to teach him a lesson. "Well, this is embarrassing, sir, but we have been through so much, the three of us together… I think I can trust you. We… we-" She stopped and looked like she was afraid of going further. He took the bait.
"You haven't gone all the way with him, have you?" he asked anxiously.
She lowered her head in apparent discomfort. Then, she raised it back, put a dreamy look on her face while she nodded slowly.
Jack thought an abyss had opened between his edge of the table and the wooden floor of the cabin. He took some seconds to recover from this new shock and quickly said, with the best smile he could muster, "Good for you, Carter. Good for you. I hope everything goes as you'd like. I will support the two of you all the way. I think I'll have a little talk with Danny-boy when he comes back; I haven't been there for him much lately."
"I'm sure he will be delighted, sir. He is so wonderful!" She repeated the dreamy look and then she stood up and patted him on the shoulder. "Thank you, sir. You're like a father to me. This conversation helped me very much. Now, I need to finish the cleaning. Excuse me, sir," and she went back to the sweeping, feeling completely free of Jack for the first time in many years.
Near midday, after everything was clean and all the bags were packed, Sam suggested a last stroll by the pond. Cam and Teal'c were happy to accept her invitation, but Daniel was feeling under the weather and decided to stay. Jack offered to stay with him. Late in the afternoon they would have to drive to a nearby local airport strip, where an official plane would pick them up and take them to their destinations. "Perks of being a general," Jack had called it.
Daniel was trying to haul his now heavier luggage, full of presents for an undetermined number of friends, when Jack spotted him and came to help.
"Hey, Danny. You shouldn't be doing this after what you've been through," he said while grabbing some of the items and taking them to the car.
"Thanks, Jack, but I hit my head. The rest of my body is doing just great."
"So I've been told."
"Excuse me?"
"Carter and I were having a little chat and she… sort of mentioned how… how wonderful you were," he finished hesitantly and, after looking at the clueless face of Daniel, he continued, "unless… unless she was pulling my leg and the two of you have never actually-" The suddenly deep-red flushed face of Daniel gave him away and Jack stopped in his tracks. "You have, haven't you?"
"I didn't think that would be something that Sam would discuss with you," Daniel tried.
"Why not? We are a family here, we share these things," Jack said, attempting to minimize the event. "She talks to you about those things, doesn't she?"
"It's different. She's not in-" He stopped himself before saying too much. "I'm just surprised that she told you; that's all."
"I would have expected you to tell me first."
Daniel got a deeper blush, if that was possible. "I thought Sam wanted me to keep it to myself."
"Okay, we don't need to dwell on this. I told her I would support you both if you want to have a relationship. She deserves to be happy." He put the last piece of luggage in the car and added, "I'll go get some gas before we leave," and with that Jack left Daniel standing in the middle of the room, still astounded. He couldn't understand why Sam would tell that to Jack. Was she trying to make Jack jealous? How much of what had happened had she told him? Why was Jack taking it so easily? A relationship, like Sam would ever want that with him. He couldn't keep trying to second-guess his friends, because his three teammates came back through the front door.
The trip home was serene. At the airport, Daniel got his car and picked up Sam.
"You're going home, right, or do you need to go through the base first?" he asked as soon as she got into the car.
"Actually, I was thinking that I should go with you, to your house," Sam said with complete calm.
Daniel felt some kind of panic. "Why?" he asked shyly.
"Because you are still convalescing and we shouldn't leave you on your own. Dr. Lam said at least seven days. We're not there yet," she smiled.
"I'll be fine, Sam. You don't need to-"
"Well, if you don't want me there, just say so. I won't be hindering your life-"
"Sam, Sam, stop. That's fine. If you're willing to come, it's fine with me. You're always welcome in my house."
"Great. Then, it's settled. Let's go to your house."
"Do we need to go by your house to pick up something?"
"No," Sam smiled again. "I have everything I need right here in this car."
After they got to Daniel's house, they fixed a late dinner and they sat in the den to watch a movie together. Near midnight, Daniel offered to prepare his guestroom for her.
"No. I think we should sleep in the same room, Daniel," Sam objected. "You've had the boys keeping an eye on you these days. Now it's my responsibility. Why don't you go take your shower first, get in bed, and I'll be there a little later, after I finish putting all these things away. Don't complain," she added when she saw his gesture. "You always do this kind of thing for me." She gently pushed him towards his room and then went back to start the cleaning up.
Daniel took his shower –a very, very cold one–, put on his pajamas, and got into bed. He stayed in the far edge of the bed, facing the wall, and prayed that Sam would not move too much around in bed. Every time he closed his eyes, images of their night together came running to his mind. He couldn't remember many things about that day, but he had the clearest recollection of their lovemaking. A synesthesia of images reminded him of the texture of her skin, her scent, the softness of her hair, the taste of her kisses… He covered his head with his pillow. He had to make it through the night.
Sam came to bed ten minutes later, smelling strongly of her shampoo with lavender. She saw him under the pillow and gently lifted it from his head.
"That's not fair, Daniel. How would I know if you're sick if I cannot see your head? There," she said while putting the pillow under his head, "that's much better." She leaned over him to reach his night lamp and he feared he would stop breathing when he felt the weigh of her breasts on his shoulder. She turned off the light and went back to her side. She put her head against his back and rested her left hand on his waist.
"Good night, Daniel."
He took a deep breath, reached his lamp, turned it back on, and sat in bed. Sam looked at him surprised.
"Sam, I cannot take this. I cannot be this near to you," he finally said.
"I'm sorry," she said sadly. "I didn't know I was bothering you," and she started to get out of bed.
He grabbed her hand and stopped her. "You don't understand. That's not it. I've been lying to you, Sam, and it's killing me."
"Okay, I'm listening," she said and she sat by his side, looking at him.
"The night of the accident, when we were together in that building, there were lots of things that were confused in my mind, but there's something that was very clear. I knew very well it was you lying there by my side, Sam. Never a thought of Sha're crossed my mind. I don't know what pain induced impulse made me tell you what I feel for you, but I was talking to you, only to you. I don't even know why I first kissed you either; it simply felt right. I was sure you were going to break my neck and bring me back to reality, but, instead, you kissed me back and, from there, I don't think I could have stopped myself. I'm so deeply in love with you, Sam, and I'm so sorry." He lowered his head into his hands and looked destroyed.
Sam put a hand on his back and got closer to him. She lowered her head to get her mouth near his ear and whispered, "Those are the words that I most wanted to hear in my life. I love you, too, Daniel," she reached his earlobe and bit it softly.
Daniel raised his head with tears in his eyes. He looked into her eyes and confirmed that she was saying the truth. He turned around and kissed her. He didn't care if the world decided to come tumbling down or the klaxons at the SGC called them soon to continue their endless fight. He knew that was the beginning of a new life for him, with Sam, for as long as they were given, and nothing else mattered.