You Can't Win!
by Lady of the Wolves
Dedicated to Starzie and Ragsy
This is in response to Lady Reena's current (I think) challenge. The requirements were:
1) a bouncy ball
2) Internet
3) an orange cat
4) a box of Lucky Charms
5) someone who is greatly amused by nothing whatsover
6) a random useless fact
7) someone famous in our day (Britney Spears, ets.) and makes fun of them
8) the word PLOOP
9) the colors red and black
*Lights flash, camera shows audience screaming and applauding, then cuts to shot of host. Theme song plays*
A woman with short brown hair curled at the bottom smiles at the camera. She's wearing a red and black checkered suit.
Woman: Hi, I'm Anita Job, your host. Welcome to today's episode of "You Can't Win!"
*Crowd screams and applauds. Clapping dies down slowly*
Anita: On today's show, we have three very special contestants, all the way from Tortall! Let's hear it for them!
*Everyone claps and whistles*
Anita: Let's introduce today's players: Please welcome Contestant Number One!
*Crowd goes crazy*
A tall, dark man with black hair in a horsetail walks onto the stage nervously.
Anita: Contestant Number One is Numair Salmalin! He is a black robe mage and enjoys reading, spell-casting, and spending time with his girlfriend!
Numair: Hi Daine! (He takes his place at his podium and waves at the audience)
Anita: Thank you, Numair! Now, let's hear it for .... Contestant Number Two!
*Crowd goes wild*
A short, stocky woman with red hair leaps onto the stage, smiling at the audience.
Anita: Contestant Number Two is Alanna Cooper! She enjoys spending time with her family and doing what she does best-being a knight!
*Everyone claps*
Alanna: Let's hear it for me!
Anita: Ahem. All right, let's hear it for-you guessed it! Contestant Number Three!
Audience stands up, clapping*
A big man with curly red hair smiles broadly, running up the stairs. He trips and falls down.
*Crowd whispers*
The man appears again, blushing. He walks quickly over to his stand.
Anita: Ha ha, I mean okay! Let's give a big round of applause for Cleon of Kennan!
*Crowd laughs, some people clap*
Anita: Cleon likes to fly kites, blow bubbles, and make out with his girlfriend, Kel!
*In audience, a tall woman with short, light-brown hair stands up and waves frantically*
Cleon: There she is! Hi Kel!
*Numair glares at him.*
Numair: I said hi to MY girlfriend first!
*Cleon glares at him*
Anita: Okay everyone, let's introduce today's categories.
*Waves hand at screen behind her. Five blue boxes appear*
Anita: And they are: The Internet, PLOOP, Famous Cats, Toys, and Britney Spears!
*Crowd goes wild*
Numair to Alanna: Who is Britney Spears?
Anita (glaring at them): Ahem! Now, remember, you have three lifelines: phone a friend, 50/50, and YOU LOSE!
Cleon: Uh, what does that last one do?
Anita: Audience members, please enlighten Cleon,
*Everyone in the audience reaches under their seats and throws a bouncy ball at Cleon. Numair and Alanna put up shields with their Gift, Cleon gets nailed.
Cleon: Help! Stop! Please, no more!
*Audience stops*
Anita: Thank you, Contestant Number Three! Now, let's have Contestant Number One pick a category.
Numair (gulping): Okay...I pick....gee, this is hard! Can I phone a friend?
Anita: Sure! Who do you want to call?
Numair: Daine!
Anita: OK, let's call Daine!
*Waits a moment. A cell phone in the audience rings. An extremely beautiful woman with curly brown hair, a great figure, and gorgeous eyes answers*
Daine: Hello?
Anita: Hi Daine!
Daine: Who is this?!
Anita: This is Anita Job, host of You Can't Win!
Daine (jumping up and down): I LOVE that show!
Anita: Thanks! Now, your friend Numair-or should I say BOYfriend Numair needs your help!
Daine: Okay!
Anita: Numair, go ahead and ask Daine your question. You have thirty seconds.
Numair: Daine, which category should I pick?
Daine: Um...the one about cats!
Numair: Okay!
Daine: Good luck!
Numair: Thanks! I love you!
Daine (sniffing): I love you too!
*Crowd "aaahhhhhhhs"*
Anita (mumbling): Make me sick....I mean, you're out of time, Numair! Which category shall it be?
Numair: Famous Cats!
Anita: OK!
*Screen behind her changes to a picture of an orange cat*
Anita: What is the name of the owner's cousin's friend's aunt's brother's nephew's baker's monkey's uncle's niece's sister's teacher's 6th cousin's foster mother's favorite baseball player's dog's favorite toy?
Numair: Uh....I'm lost.
Cleon (snickering): Loser.
Anita: I'm sorry, that's incorrect.
Numair: Wait! That wasn't my answer!
Anita (laughing): I'm sorry, Contestant Number One, but, since you didn't get the question right, you have to....
Audience: GO ON A DATE WITH LORD WYLDON!!!
Numair: NO!!! THE HORROR!!!!
*Everyone in crowd laughs evilly*
Daine, in audience, standing up: I object! He's mine!
Wyldon, appearing from behind a curtain on the stage: Hey there, you sexy man!
Numair: HELP!!! DAINE, SAVE ME!!!
Daine: How could you, Numair? I thought you loved me!
*Daine runs out of the audience crying*
Anita: Ah, young love.
*Six armed thugs grab Numair and take him over to Lord Wyldon. Numair is kicking and screaming*
Lord Wyldon: Take him inside, boys.
*Thugs throw Numair behind the curtain. Wyldon goes inside and closes the curtain.*
Numair, voice muffled: NO! NO!!!!
*Numair bursts out of curtain, eyes wild in terror, and runs offstage. Wyldon chases him.
Anita: Now it's your turn, Contestant Number Two!
Alanna: I pick Britney Spears!
Numair (running across the stage): Wait! What was the answer?
Anita: The answer was 6,237,583. Please accept our consolation prize of a cruise with Lord Wyldon!
Numair: NO! NO! NOOOOOOO!
*Numair runs out a door*
Anita: OK, let's hear our question!
Cleon: Hahahahahahaha! Ha ha ha hahahahaha!
*Cleon drops to the ground, laughing his head off. Armed thugs pick him up and throw him back to his stand*
Kel (in audience): You leave my man ALONE!!!
Anita: Um...let's move on!
*Wyldon comes over and taps her on the shoulder*
Wyldon: Did you know that rats can't vomit?
Alanna (fascinated): Is that a fact?
Anita: OK! THE QUESTION FOR CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO IS: What is Britney Spears doing RIGHT NOW?!
Alanna: Who is Britney Spears?
Anita: I'm sorry, that was incorrect.
*A puff of green smoke blinds everyone for a second, then Britney Spears appears onstage, eating a box of Lucky Charms. She looks around*
Britney: Um...Okay.
Anita: Welcome, Ms. Spears! Please tell us, what are you doing right now?
Britney, very confused: Um, dreaming? I hope.
*Audience laughs and claps*
Alanna: That's not fair!
Anita: Of course it isn't! Alanna, for getting the question wrong, I'm afraid that you must...
Audience: BE BEATEN UP BY A BAND OF WARRIOR ELVES!!!
Alanna: Bring it on!
*Ten fierce, spear-carrying warrior wood elves surround her and start to attack*
Alanna: Wait! How was I supposed to know who Britney Spears is? Besides what she was doing!
Anita: That's the point! And why?
Audience: YOU CAN'T WIN!!!
Alanna: So I'm gonna be beaten up 'cause of some blonde LOSER?!?!
Britney, whirling around: Excuse me?! Loser?
Alanna, dodging a blow by one of the elves: Yeah! You! The LOSER!!!
Britney growls: You wanna take this outside, girlfriend?
Alanna: Bring it on-umph.
*Alanna gets jabbed in the stomach by an elf. She turns around and starts to whoop them*
Anita: Okay, Cleon, it's your turn! Pick a category!
Cleon: Um...PLOOP!
Anita, smiling: An excellent choice, my personal favorite!
*Armed thugs "escort" Alanna, Britney, and the elves outside*
Alanna: Don't I get a consolation prize?
Anita: And the question is: what is the capital city of Uzbekistan?
Cleon, brightening: I know that one! It's -no wait, I forgot. I wanna use my 50/50!
Anita: Okay then! Two choices are eliminated!
Cleon, scratching his head: Wait, I had choices?
*Audience laughs. Behind Anita, the screen shows a word: TASHKENT*
Cleon: I know! I know! It's Tashkent!
*Audience roars*
Anita, smiling broadly: Great! Now, to win, you must answer one question correctly!
Cleon: Bring it on!
Kel, in the audience: You go Cleon!
Anita: Here it is! Drumroll, please....
*Drumroll*
Anita: The question is: PLOOP-true or false?
Cleon (gulps): I'm gonna die. OK, let me use my YOU LOSE! lifeline.
*All audience members throw bouncy balls at Cleon*
Cleon: No more! No more! Whhhhaaaaaaaaa!!!
Anita: I'm sorry, Cleon, but as a consolation prize, you win this diamond engagement ring!
*Audience claps politely*
Cleon: Wahoo!!!
Anita: But....you DID get the question wrong, so....
Audience: YOU'LL GET THROWN IN A POOL FILLED WITH HUNGRY, MAN-EATING ALLIGATORS!!!!
Cleon: NO!!!!!!!!
*Thugs grab Cleon, kicking and screaming, over to a pool, in which they throw him into. The alligators grin evilly*
Cleon (from inside the alligator pit): So who wins?
Anita: I'm glad you asked that, Contestant Number Three! The winner is....
*Audience leans forward in seats*
Anita: Bob Helpme!
*A short, balding, stocky man wearing a tacky shirt and khaki shorts leaps out of his seat and jumps up and down*
Bob: I won! I won!
*Cleon (who made it out of the pit alive), Alanna (who has returned with the elves), Britney (with a black eye and swollen lip), Numair (who has kisses all over him and a restraining order clutched in one hand, frantically trying to get Daine's attention), Wyldon (wearing a shirt that says "I went on a cruise and all I got was this shirt"), Daine (who is refusing to speak or look at Numair), and Kel (who is the only one unharmed, as of yet)
all exchange glances*
*Bob runs onstage and shakes Anita's hand*
Anita: Congratulations, Bob!
Kel: How could he win? He wasn't even playing!
Anita (ignoring Kel): You win this fabulous prize! A red convertible, a trip to Hawaii, $10,000,000, and a date with Daine! Eat your heart out, Regis!
Daine and Numair together: WHAT?!?!
Anita, shrugging: Fine, forget about the date.
Bob (grinning mysteriously): Hey Daine, I'm a millionaire!
*His eyes travel down the beautiful Daine, and Numair growls. Alanna has to constrain him*
Anita: We'll see you next time on-
Audience: YOU CAN'T WIN!!!
*Bob slings his arm around Daine's waist. Numair tackles him and begins to punch him, screaming his war cry. Theme music mingles with Bob's screams. Anita smiles*
Daine: I love you, Numair!
Numair (still beating up Bob): Let's get married!
Britney: Ah, he really cares for her. All we need now is a four-star Hollywood ending!
*Cleon clears his throat, stepping forward. He kneels in front of Kel*
Cleon: Kel, will you marry me?
Kel (squealing): Sure!
*Cleon gives Kel his ring*
Bob (lying on the floor, bleeding, several bones sticking out): Ow...Could someone call an ambulance?
*At this, Numair, who is making out happily in a corner with Daine, whirls around and jumps on Bob*
*In the background, Kitten, sitting in the director's chair, slaps her forehead and mutters in Dragon that they'll never work in this town again*
THE END....of THIS episode!
*Laughs evilly* Okay, that was insane. I want to thank Star Shadow for all the help, along with Becca for the "You Can't Win!" idea.
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone except Bob. I don't even own Anita Job! Everyone/everything else belongs to Tamora Pierce and the other people I borrowed it from.
Ah, poor victims of my insanity (darn, I don't even own that line!)!
REVIEW!!! If you want more, tell me!
Sorry, I'll shut up now.
Have a nice day!
~Lady of the Wolves