The Weirdness That Occurs When...

by Aallazar

Read and see. By the way, the FULL title is 'The Weirdness That Occurs When You Have An Epidemic Of Writer's Block (or) Man, What's He On?'

Title: The Weirdness That Occurs When You Have An Epidemic Of Writer's Block (or) Man, What's He On?

Author: Aallazar

Email: aallazar@yahoo.com

Rating: M at the worst. That's… PG13? I don't know…

Main Characters: the Creators, the Slash Guardians, most of the LoTR characters, Warren and Scott

Summary: The title says it all

Timeline: complicated

Pairings: waaay too confusing with the LoTR guys, Scott/Warren

Series/Sequel: I sincerely doubt it

Universe: several different ones

Archive: want, ask, take, have. Just let me know

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these people, including myself. I am on leave from the Fanfic World Mental Institution on a day pass. If you ask the nurses nicely they might let you in, but they don't like the green people in silver foil hats… time for my medication…

Claimer: the Slash Guardians are mine. Don't take them please. Most of them will get really pissed if you do, and the others are pretty much useless. I'm not entirely sure who owns rabid fangirls, but I own these particular ones by default

Warning: gay couples here! I don't care! Little cussing too. A story with very few females, unless you count rabid fangirls. I don't, personally

Notes: this is not a serious story. It started out as one, but then it mutated. ;-p And yes, I do say 'yeesh' when I'm pissed or just plain annoyed. Rebeccah and Dana are friends of mine who write slash but are too chicken to post it. Ares is a writer of non-slash X-Men stuff, but she likes the slash pairing of Scott-Warren or Scott-Logan and she sometimes draws slashy stuff

Re: J. Marie's 'Freak on a Leash', the story that this Scott-Warren couple comes from. She hasn't finished it yet, so I'm jumping the gun and hoping that she keeps Scott and Warren together and doesn't kill them. (Hint, hint.)

Rebeccah and Dana don't get individual Mini-Realms for two reasons. One, they don't post their fics so it'd be hard to understand (they have weird things going on in their minds, those two :-p) and two, there'd be too many Realms if I gave everyone individual Realms. Besides, they like the Aragorn- Legolas and Boromir-Legolas pairing. (See! I'm not the only one!)

***************

The Weirdness That Occurs When You Have An Epidemic Of Writer's Block (or) Man, What's He On?

***************

In the Beginning there was the Word.

The Word was as follows:

"Thou shalt not mess with Slashers, as we are the Great Creators of Slashiness, Lovers of Carnality, Rulers of Eroticism and Destroyers of All Relationships In Which Our Favourite Character Isn't With Our Other Favourite Character.

"Thou shalt not slander, nor put down, nor debase Slashiness. (We realise this is likely to happen anyway, and we would like to take this opportunity to inform thee that we couldn't give a rat's ass.)

"Thou shalt respect the right of two handsome, virile men, or two attractive women, or even gross people that thou would never picture with another sentient being, to form a union that transcends the norms of society. Mmm… union…"

At which point the Word became drool-soaked. More of the Word has not yet been found. Although one such Creator's words were kept for posterity, announcing on the cover of a treasured notebook used to write fragments of Slash: "the pairing of Legolas and anyone is a match made in heaven! Unless they're, like, creepy, or gross, or Gollum…"

The Creators are said to be the wisest beings in existence, though this is a load of bull. They are served by the Slash Guardians, supernatural creatures formed from the mind of one such Creator. Their minds are augmented by creatures called Muses, which can be extremely pissy when they don't like the way the Creators do things.

They are called Creators because, well, they create things.

Duh.

Some of them Create flames that feed the dragons owned by some of the others. Some of them Create weird emails that freak out other people. But mainly they Create little alternate universes, where the objects of their affections spend most of their time. There are an infinite number of these universes, each with a slightly different 'main couple' starring in what has come to be termed 'fan fiction'.

The reason is unclear. Perhaps Creators are fans of watching these activities?

Whatever the reason, the Creators each have their own universe where their favourite people are coupled and tortured and made to angst at the Creator's will. Most of the people have no idea the Creators exist. A few do, and they resent them, but at the same time they enjoy the coupling. Not so much the angsting and torturing.

The Creators are said to have the power to kill even canon characters who made it to the very end of the movie/book/game or who has currently survived through five seasons of the show, despite being thought dead several times and having a hand device, staff weapon, body-switchy-thing and weird-memory-thing-that-gives-you-big-owies used on them! [1]

Whether this is true or propaganda spread by some as-yet-unknown force has not yet been determined. But it's fun to think about.

***************

*J. Marie's Realm*

Warren Worthington III sat up in bed, his skin crawling. Something was very wrong.

"Scott?"

Beside him, Scott Summers sat up sleepily, adjusting his sleep goggles. "Something wrong, War?"

"I don't know. I… felt something."

Scott chuckled. "Nice line, but I've got classes to teach tomorrow. I need some sleep."

Warren shook his head. "I wasn't… actually, that's not such a bad… what I meant was, something seems… wrong. I can't explain it."

A bright flash of light blinded them for a few seconds. When their sight cleared, a plump girl with long brown hair falling loose over her shoulders was standing in their bedroom, a cheeky grin on her face.

"Who are you?" Warren asked, extremely aware that he was naked under the sheet tangled around him and Scott. The girl's grin widened as she obviously came to the same conclusion.

"I'm Slasher," she chirped cheerfully. "J. Marie needs you two, by the way."

"Who?" Scott asked, still half asleep.

"J. Marie. I'm here to help her out. I'm a Slash Guardian. Aallazar would have sent Lust if he'd thought of this – but then that's why I'm here, because the Creators can't think of anything, and here I'm going off on a tangent again – but Lust has to keep Erotica and Desire on task, and anyway it won't be hard to transport Aallazar's characters. So I came to help out J. Marie."

Scott picked up his sunglasses and replaced the goggles. "What does this 'J. Marie' want with us?"

Slasher giggled. "Ain't it obvious? Writer's block can really kill an author. I got sent to bring help."

"Writer's block?" Warren asked, dumbfounded.

"Yep. There's an epidemic going around. None of the authors have any ideas," Slasher said. "And the Muses aren't helping at all. AC and GW's Muses are fighting because they think Legolas should be with different people, and you don't want to get me started on J. Marie and Ares' Muses. They can't agree on anything. And that's not a good thing."

Warren stared at Slasher, having gotten lost about three words into her explanation. "Uh, what does this have to do with us?"

"Well, me and the other Slash Guardians got sent out by the Grand High Poobah to bring in inspiration for the Creators. You've got two minutes to get decent."

"Excuse me?" Scott spluttered.

"You heard me. Get dressed, or don't. Whichever way, in two minutes we're out of here," Slasher said, turning her back.

Scott and Warren looked at each other, dumbstruck.

"One minute and fifty seconds," Slasher sang out. The two mutants scrambled to find clothing, just in case she was serious.

***************

*Aallazar's Legolas-Boromir Realm*

Legolas aimed and fired an arrow. The tall man standing two metres away winced as the projectile passed through him, leaving a bloody wound that didn't seem to bother him much. Beside Legolas, Boromir was hacking wildly at another two opponents, both of whom were standing calmly, watching the Man and Elf fight. They were both getting hurt, but they didn't seem to care much.

The man Legolas had shot walked a little closer, holding his stomach, and said loudly, "this is getting old. Desire, Erotica, I think the others are waiting for us."

The red-haired girl glanced at the man. "But they're so cute! I love it when they're all manly and macho and—"

The brunette girl shoved her hand over the redhead's mouth. "Shush, Desire. Lust is right. Knowing Slasher, she'll have her two already, and Libido's probably already been to AC's realm. We shouldn't be late."

Desire pouted. "But they're so cute and manly and… all right. But we get to watch!"

Lust chuckled. "Oh yeah. C'mon, let's get these two and get going. Orcs might show up, and as far as I know none of the Creators like them much. Well, GW likes that Lurtz thing, but somehow I doubt anyone else is into that."

Desire and Erotica made identical faces of disgust. Then there was a flash of silver light and everything went dark.

"Did the moon go out?"

"Aw, Boromir sounds so cute and confused!"

"Shush, Desire. Lust, a little help here?"

"Is that your hand, Legolas?"

"No."

"Desire!"

"Sorry Lust."

There was another flash of silver. This time no voices followed, but an extremely annoyed fox slunk off, muttering about jumped-up-something-or- others and how they should learn to leave the moon on when they went jumping from place to place like rabbits, and Mmm, a rabbit would taste good right about now…

****************

*AC's Realm*

Elrond stared at the Elven-looking man standing in front of him. "You want what?"

"I want you two to come with me and have wild Elf sex until AC writes more fanfic," the man, who had introduced himself as Libido, said matter-of- factly.

Elrond blinked and considered those words. Legolas looked fairly dumbstruck, though that was probably due to the fact that a strange man had appeared in Elrond's bedchamber while the two Elves were in considerably less than decent clothing. Elrond grinned.

"Heck, I've done worse. Where do we go?"

***************

*Realm Of The Great Creators of Slashiness, Lovers of Carnality, Rulers of Eroticism and Destroyers of All Relationships In Which Our Favourite Character Isn't With Our Other Favourite Character (also called Realm of the Creators, when they're not in their weird, we're-the-lords-of-the-world phases)*

This was bad, very very bad. Lover had never seen anything quite so bad.

Oh, he'd seen when Aallazar had been toying with the idea of killing off Legolas during a bout of depression caused by what Lover had come to recognise as 'Real-World Shit'. He'd seen what happened when J. Marie a.k.a. Askani'daughter didn't post the next chapter of *'Freak on a Leash'* fast enough. He'd seen the total downfall of Stephanie, a friend of Aallazar's and now, unfortunately, a person who refused to post on fanfic.net because it was 'a piece of shit where nobody reviews'.

Stephanie had severe problems. Many of them involving a Muse called Fred.

But Lover had never seen anything like this.

The Creators had no inspiration! They could think of nothing to put in a fanfiction! Even senseless smut and PWP was unattainable!

It could not go on.

Lover prayed that his fellow Slash Guardians would return soon, with the inspiration taken from the respective universes made by the Creators. Then, maybe, inspiration would strike.

Lover also prayed that someone would tell him where he got such a dumb name.

***************

*GW's Boromir-Merry-Pippin, Frodo-Sam, Gandalf-Bilbo-Balin, Gimli-Gollum, sometimes Boromir-Lurtz and always Legolas-Aragorn-Elrond Realm*

Passion was happy. The people she'd been sent to get were extremely agreeable. They couldn't wait to come with her and have wild Hobbit-Man- Wizard-Dwarf sex for the poor, afflicted Creators. Of course, she'd only asked Sam and Frodo, both of whom were looking for a new place to do it anyway since they got kicked out of the Prancing Pony. She hoped Boromir, Merry, Pippin, Gandalf, Bilbo and Balin wouldn't mind coming along. Or the hot two Elves and the sexy man (that was what she'd heard some of the other Slash Guardians calling them). She just hoped she wouldn't have to do the pretty-silver-flashy-thing.

Doing the pretty-silver-flashy-thing made Passion's head hurt.

Well, she had Frodo and Sam almost ready. Sam was just looking for…

"Pots and pans?" Frodo asked incredulously. "Sam, what in heck are we gonna need pots and pans for?"

Sam whispered something in Frodo's ear, causing the other Hobbit to blush furiously.

"Oh, OK then. This won't take long, Miss Passion."

Passion nodded and popped her bubblegum. Lover, the kind-of leader of the Slash Guardians when he wasn't being a pain in the ass by moping around more than Aragorn in an angst fic or the entire Summers breed, might be annoyed with her for taking too long but at least she didn't have to do the pretty-silver-flashy-thing.

***************

*Realm of the Creators*

Lover paced. That in itself didn't deserve a mention *per se*, but Lover never paced. It was beneath the first created of the Slash Guardians, or, as the other Slash Guardians liked to call him, the Grand High Poobah. Either way, he didn't pace.

He paced.

There was a flash of silver light, but nothing went dark. Instead, Desire, Erotica and Lust appeared with an unconscious Boromir and Legolas in tow. Lover looked up, a relieved expression suffusing his face.

"Thank the Creator, you're back. I take it these two weren't cooperative?"

"They shot me," Lust said, trying not to sound pissed off and failing. "It's going to take forever to get the feeling of an arrow out of my gut."

Lover turned to Erotica and Desire. The former was glancing worriedly around the room where, normally, Creators would be congregating, discussing ideas and occasionally sponsoring battles between the Muses. The latter was gazing down at the unconscious Man and Elf, sighing happily.

"What do we do with these two?" Lust asked, gesturing at said Man and Elf.

"I'm not sure. We'd better wait until the others get back before we decide anything. And I'm really not sure how the Creators are going to take this," Lover fretted.

Seeing a Slash Guardian fret is an interesting experience. They don't do it like normal people. At the moment, Lover fretted by somehow wavering in and out of focus and growing extra arms that all seemed hell-bent on pushing back his hair. As a result, several ghostly limbs collided mid-air.

"Where's Aallazar?" Erotica asked anxiously. "For that matter, where's everyone? They should be here."

"I think they're all… there," Lover said uneasily. "Except Aallazar, GW and Dana. They're… well, I haven't seen them for a while. Last I knew they were Aallazar's chambers, but it sounded like they were arguing about something. It's another symptom of heading there, arguing."

All four Slash Guardians looked troubled, even Desire. Lover forced a smile and said, "well, we'll have to come up with some plausible way for the characters to get it on. It wouldn't be right if we just threw them in a room and expected them to do it. We'll have to give them some sort of quest."

Lust nodded. "Sounds good. We have to keep each Realm separate, though. We don't want them bleeding into each other. And we should erase their recent memories so they don't remember being brought here. It's safer that way."

Erotica nodded briskly and said, "well, we'll take Boromir and Legolas to… uh, Lover? Can we make a place in this palace that's more suitable for… you know, mortals and Elves? Somehow I don't think they'd be comfortable in the Creator's chambers."

"I suppose we can make a new place," Lover said, frowning. "I've never tried before."

"West wing, third floor," Desire said suddenly. When the other three looked at her she shrugged. "I had Legolas and Elrond here once, when AC was having a bout of writer's block. Nothing on this scale."

The four Slash Guardians glanced in the direction of there and went to work.

Elsewhere, a Slash Guardian turned on the inter-Realm VCR, pressed record and grinned.

***************

1 *There*

There was not so much a place as a state of being. There was a room that had been designated as the There room, but only because the first time a Creator had been There she had caused a lot of property damage.

Only three times in the memory of all the Slash Guardians had a Creator been there: The first time had been in the Beginning, when the Word had not yet been written; all Creators were there. The second time was when a long- gone Creator finally realised that the universe she had created didn't work.

(Coincidentally, this Creator had been a Dragonball Z Creator. Which just goes to show…) [2]

The third, and last, time a Creator had been there was the unfortunate fiasco in which Aallazar threatened to kill off Legolas if the other Creators didn't stop bugging him about being there, saying something along the lines of 'I don't give a flying fuck if he survived to the end of the books, that's what fanfiction's about! We can change whatever the hell we want!"

There was a dangerous state of being for Creators. Oddly, the Slash Guardians could handle it fine. Possibly because they were created themselves, as was there, but nobody knew the real reason.

Whatever the reason, Ares, J. Marie, AC and Rebeccah were there. One of the side effects of the epidemic of writer's block was, apparently, being there. And being either extremely depressed, excessively hyper or just plain hostile.

This was obvious by the way AC snarled at anyone who came near her. By the way Ares was idly doodling in her notebook, looking despondent. By the way Rebeccah and J. Marie were currently engaging in an enthusiastic giggling match, brought on by the consumption of too much coffee.

Sensuality flitted between them, beside himself with worry. He'd begun to think there was something seriously wrong this time, something that a Slash Guardian couldn't fix.

They were depending on the characters.

They all were.

***************

*Much Later, In The Place Designated As Aallazar's Boromir-Legolas Mini- Realm*

Boromir woke up.

This was quite an accomplishment, because at the moment there was nothing he wanted more than to continue dreaming about Legolas and an indecent amount of clothing.

Then he realised that what he had taken for a pillow was breathing. And long blonde hair was tickling his nose.

Boromir opened his eyes and looked at Legolas, who was also just waking up. The Elf's expression was so cute and confused that Boromir wanted to lean over and kiss him, but there were more important things to worry about. Like where their shirts had gone. And their weapons.

He looked around the room they were in. Fairly large, kind of Ancient Greek- looking. No actual beds, just a lot of piled silk and satin pillows. Two golden chalices and a carved crystal decanter of what looked like water.

Oh, and a semi-transparent girl sitting in the corner.

Boromir and Legolas both leapt to their feet. The girl also stood, looking solemn. She was unfamiliar, but then he didn't really know many semi- transparent girls.

She was wearing an extremely revealing gown; sleeveless, low-cut, two strips of fabric serving as the skirt with slits up to her mid-thighs. She was very pale, but otherwise she looked fine. A little sad about something, but fine. For a semi-transparent girl.

"I'm glad you're awake," she said solemnly. "You characters sleep so much."

"Who are you?" Legolas asked beside Boromir. "And where are we?"

"You're in The Place Designated As Aallazar's Legolas-Boromir Mini-Realm," the girl replied. "I'm called Erotica. I was sent to ask you for help."

"Our help," Boromir sighed. "Look, you might not have heard (I mean, everyone seems to have heard but maybe you've been underwater or something) but we're kind of on a quest here. Saving the world, ring a bell?"

Erotica smiled. "Oh, that's all right. You're… well, you're in a different realm right now, and time passes much faster here. When you're done you can go back to your realm and no time will have gone by. Or at least not enough to matter."

"So what's this quest?" Legolas asked.

"Uh… well, we have an evil Lord… Tauron. And he made a… Key-Ring of power. It got taken from him long ago and now it has to be destroyed. And you two are the only two who can do it."

"Why?" Legolas wanted to know.

"Because it's evil, and it tempts anyone from this realm," Erotica replied. "You have to get it to the… Crack of Ka-Boom and destroy it."

"There aren't any hobbits around here are there?" Boromir asked suspiciously.

"No, no hobbits. Well… sometimes. It depends on whether they've eaten or not," Erotica said. "So, will you help me?"

"Where are our weapons?" Boromir wanted to know. Well, if he was going to help a damsel in distress – even a see-through one – he needed something to fight with.

Erotica showed them their weapons, laid out carefully on a table covered with purple silk. Boromir's sword looked as though it had been polished, and Legolas' quiver was full of arrows, more than he'd had last Boromir checked. Also with the sword, bow and arrows were the ivory-handled daggers Legolas carried and the silver-tipped knives Boromir owned, all of which had been polished so that all the flecks of blood or dirt were gone. Boromir's shield lay nearby, polished so much that it hurt to look at it.

Erotica tried to give them both a wide-eyed, eyelash-fluttering gaze that was totally spoiled by the ever-present solemnity. Boromir doubted the girl knew how to use another expression.

"Thank you," she said breathily, fluttering her eyelashes like… well, like nobody Boromir knew, unless you counted Aragorn after he and Legolas spiked the Ranger's water with very strong Elvish spirits. "I promise, when this quest is over, whatever you desire will be yours if it is in my power to bestow it."

Boromir glanced at Legolas, who looked as though he was smothering laughter. "Right. Whatever you say. Can we have our shirts back now?"

***************

*Aallazar's Chambers, The Corridor Between Aallazar And GW's Chambers and The Corridor Between GW And Dana's Chambers*

Three figures paced inside a large set of rooms on the eastern side of the Realm of the Creators. Like all the bedchambers (the ones that Aallazar's Muses had a say in decorating, anyway) it was very Ancient Greek-looking, with silk and satin pillows, cushions and other assorted soft fluffy things. Unlike most of the others, though, this bedchamber also contained an actual bed. Aallazar had finally managed to convince his Muses that he was under no circumstances going to sleep on a pile of cushions, no matter what the Ancient Greeks used to do.

The three current inhabitants of the room looked bored, nervous, bored, pissed off, flustered and bored. The only male among them spoke.

"I don't see the point of staying in my rooms. We aren't likely to get any inspiration here. Whose dumb idea was this anyway?"

His last comment was directed to the short young woman with shoulder-length brown hair. GW Katrina glared at him and shot back, "while we're here we can't go There, can we?"

The last figure, Dana, glared at them both. "Stop arguing. You're not helping anyone, least of all the others."

Aallazar rubbed the back of his neck, frowning. "Isn't there anything we can do to help the others? I hate seeing them There."

Dana shook her head. "You know there's only one way to cure writer's block. We need the Muses back."

Aallazar laughed humourlessly. "I don't think there's much of a chance of that. You know what the Muses are like."

"Besides they're all still pissed because of the time someone cancelled their tournament."

GW glared at Aallazar with that last statement, grey eyes blazing behind the glasses perched on her nose. The other Creator snapped defensively, "how was I supposed to know Muses have to battle once a month?"

Slightly lower, he muttered, "as bad as you females."

GW's eyebrows rose. "Excuse me? Did you just say what I thought you said?"

Dana dropped her head into her hands. "Oh boy…"

Aallazar smirked. "I said Muses are as bad as you women. Neither of you can be approached once a month."

GW looked like a bull about to charge at the matador. "Why, you arrogant, ignorant, chauvinistic—"

Aallazar interrupted. "Aw, did I step on your poor little itty-bitty ego? Want me to kiss it better?"

"Both of you stop it!" Dana shouted. "Can't you see what's happening? You're both heading There."

"We are not," Aallazar protested, giving her his wounded-puppy expression that was slightly spoiled by the way he kept glaring at GW. [3]

Dana sighed. "Yes, you are. You're both hostile, and especially you, Aallazar. The only time you've been like this is the last time you were There. You of all people should recognise the symptoms."

Aallazar and GW stared at Dana for a few minutes, identical expressions of shock on their faces. (Not strictly identical, because how identical are a short brown-haired young woman and a tall blonde guy who needs a shave?) GW finally broke the silence.

"This is bad."

"Ya think?" Aallazar muttered. Dana shot him a glare and he held up his hands defensively. "Sorry. Sorry, all right? Yeesh."

The three left the chambers almost automatically, still talking.

"Have either of you two seen the Slash Guardians since all this began?" Aallazar asked. "Slasher hasn't been around for a while. I think we're depressing them."

"Slash Guardians don't get depressed," GW contradicted. "At least, I don't think they do. Did we create them with the ability to get depressed?"

"Not on purpose," Dana muttered, "but half the problems here are caused unintentionally. Like the neon pink 'secret' door that leads nowhere."

Aallazar blushed. "Sorry about that. I'd read waaaay too many sillyfics. But that wasn't as stupid as the screen door someone installed on the submarine."

"Or the chocolate teapot in the kitchens!" GW said, giggling.

"The dissolvable raincoat."

"The bull with tits."

Aallazar snorted. "That was a weird one. Who thought that up?"

"You," GW pointed out.

"Really? What the hell was I on?"

Dana let out a sigh of relief. The other two Creators seemed to have staved off the approaching There-ness, but she wasn't sure how long it would last. Or how long it would be until she succumbed as well.

They stopped at GW's chambers, Aallazar and GW still giggling like idiots. They managed to say a goodnight that sounded more like a cat trying to sing while it was being suffocated in a set of bagpipes, but at least they weren't at each others throats anymore.

She and Aallazar kept walking, heading to Dana's chambers. For some reason Aallazar had a weird chivalrous-only-male-in-the-realm deal going on lately, and he felt the need to escort them all to their rooms if they so much as stopped to talk to him in the corridor. Which admittedly was hard to do, since Aallazar spent most of his time locked up with his computer, but still…

"Hey, Dana?"

"Hmm?"

"Don't think I don't know what you're doing."

Dana looked up to see blue eyes watching her seriously. "I don't know what you're talking about, Aallazar."

"I think you do," the other Creator said. "You're the only one of us who isn't affected much by the epidemic, and you're trying to keep me and GW from becoming… like the others. From where I'm standing, you could gain a lot if we were all There. Being the only fanfic writer this side of Uranus would have its upsides. So thanks."

"What, you think I want to be stuck here with a bunch of manic-depressive- hyperactive Creators?" Dana asked. "I have to do something to make sure you don't all end up There."

Aallazar grinned. "My thoughts exactly."

They stopped outside Dana's room. Aallazar sighed. "I'd better go find out what Slasher's up to this time. Last time I left her alone for more than twelve hours the battleroom was painted pink with purple spots."

He turned and vanished down the corridor. Dana entered her chambers and flopped onto the pile of satin pillows.

At a time like this, normally images of Legolas and Aragorn would begin running through her head, inspiring another fanfiction or smutty drawing. But now, thanks to the epidemic of writer's block, the only things she could think of were the fics she'd already written, the pictures she'd already drawn.

Dana was getting close to going There. She, GW and Aallazar all were. It was only a matter of time.

***************

*The Place Designated As J. Marie's Mini-Realm*

Scott was getting sick of this.

Okay, being kidnapped was nothing new anymore. He was used to that. And being taken somewhere completely unfamiliar, that was nothing new either. Even being taken somewhere with his gay lover was something he was getting used to.

But being told by a tantalisingly familiar semi-transparent girl that he and Warren were 'needed to help our people, because there's an evil lord… Gagneto, and he's going to destroy us all with his power to control... fish!' was definitely not something he'd experienced before.

Something smelled wrong about this, and it wasn't just the fact that they were in a field of rotting vegetables.

Warren was hovering half a metre above the ground, looking around with disgust. "She couldn't have teleported us somewhere a little cleaner?" he asked, wrinkling his nose in a way that made Scott want to wrestle him to the ground, rotten pumpkins notwithstanding, and shag him silly.

Somehow he didn't think that would go down well with the winged man.

"Well, she said we were the only ones who could fight this Gagneto person, because he can counteract the powers of anyone born in this dimension," Scott said doubtfully, having unfortunately had the girl's entire speech implanted in his brain by some weird means.

"I know, I have that part too. What I don't get is why us?" Warren asked. "I mean, yeah, you've got your optic beams, but I can fly. What's that going to do against this so-called super-evil?"

"Who can control fish," Scott reminded him. He wasn't sure whether the girl had been serious or not. He hoped not. Controlling fish was a weird way of becoming a tyrant.

On the other hand, he'd probably be really easy to beat.

Warren sighed and surveyed their surroundings. "Do you want the good news, the bad news or the really freaky news?"

"Good news first," Scott decided.

"Okay. I can see the end of this field."

"What's the bad news?"

"There are about fifty more fields to go before we even reach the horizon," Warren informed him flatly.

Scott sighed. "What's the really freaky news?"

"Most of the fields are growing really weird crops."

"Weird like what?" Scott asked.

"Well, the one after this looks like cotton candy," Warren reported, "and there's one with… I think it's candy apples. Then there's bottled water, and what looks like soda. That's just the things I can identify."

Scott frowned. "Weird. But that girl did say this place was different."

"Different, yes. Not freaky," Warren complained, sinking down a little so he was hovering just above the ground. He had that petulant expression on his face that made Scott want to wrestle him to the ground and shag him silly.

Most things about Warren made Scott want to do that.

"We should probably get going," Scott said, trying to drown the lust rising in him when he looked up at Warren. "The girl told us that there wasn't much time before… Gagneto… destroyed their world."

"Why is this our problem?" Warren asked grumpily.

"Look at it this way. I'd much rather be back at home with no clothes and a lot of chocolate sauce, but we're in this world and if it gets destroyed, we get destroyed with it. Got my drift?"

Warren grinned impishly. "I should buy chocolate sauce when we get home?"

"Well, there is that," Scott admitted, "but what I'm saying is we don't have much of a choice if we don't want to be destroyed along with this freaky place. Let's go find this Gagneto person—"

"—who can control fish—"

"—and get the hell out of here," Scott finished.

There was a ripping noise, like someone had just taken a huge piece of paper and torn it in half, and the sky flickered for a second. Scott looked up, frowning.

"Wonder what that was."

"Who knows?" Warren asked. "Maybe it's normal for this word. It's freaky enough already, why shouldn't the sky flicker and sound like it's being torn in half."

Scott still had that flicker of trepidation. "I don't know. I can't help but think… there's something going on here that we don't know about. And it can't be good."

***************

*The Main Hall of The Realm of The Creators*

Lover was flitting here and there, checking on each Creator worriedly. GW and Aallazar had so far managed to keep away from There, but it was getting harder every minute. Dana had resorted to glaring at her computer and yelling something in what sounded like Elvish and GW was apparently re- enacting one of her fics using plushie LoTR toys. Aallazar had succumbed to the There-ness and was currently having a giggling competition with Rebeccah. (A guy in a giggling competition is a scary thing to see.)

Ares came out of There and Created a cup of coffee. She waved absentmindedly to Lover and returned to There and her argument with J. Marie over whether Scott-and-Warren or Scott-and-Logan was a better pairing.

Slasher suddenly appeared, looking upset about something. Lover asked, "what's gotten into you? You've got three extra arms."

Slasher glanced down at her extra arms and winced. She de-made them and looked at Lover, eyes worried.

"What is it?"

"Um, Lover, we kind of have a problem," Slasher said.

Lover sighed. "Wonderful. What?"

"Well, you know how the Mini-Realms are duplicates of the Created Realms?"

"Yeah?"

"And you know how Lust warned us to be careful or they'd start bleeding into each other?" Slasher continued.

Exasperated, Lover asked, "Slasher, does your train of thought have a caboose?"

Slasher looked at her hands. "You know how Lust said never to leave the borders of the Mini-Realms unattended in case they tore?"

"You didn't."

"Not on purpose."

Lover swore. Then, de-making the arms that had popped out of his torso, he said, "okay. This I can deal with. We just—"

"Lover?"

"What?" the other Slash Guardian asked fearfully.

"You know how in half the slash fics we've read Saruman is after Legolas or Gandalf, and everyone seems to have a fixation on Elves…?"

Lover's eyes widened. "Creator preserve us."

He closed his eyes and forced himself to calm down. He would have taken deep breaths, but Slash Guardians don't breathe. Unless they're really worried, in which case they hyperventilate like there's no tomorrow.

"All right. It could be worse. The fangirls could be loose."

Slasher looked at her feet.

"Please tell me they're not loose."

"Not all of them," Slasher replied pitifully.

"Oh, for the love of… which ones?"

Slasher hesitated.

"Which ones, Slasher?"

The other Slash Guardian's voice was a tiny whisper. "The ones with the co- ordinated names from the place where Ares and Dana locked them last year. They got out."

Lover swore again. "Great. This is wonderful. So now, not only are most of the Creators There, but the characters are probably going to stumble into each other's paths and they have insane fangirls after them, not to mention Saruman and all the assorted Elf-freaks!"

Slasher bit her lip. "Maybe we should go into the Mimi-Realms and make sure nothing bad happens?" she suggested timidly. Lover shook his head.

"No, that wouldn't work. We can't enter Mini-Realms easily, remember? It's hard enough getting into the regular Created Realms as it is. We'll just have to hope nothing else goes wrong."

***************

*AC's Legolas-Elrond Mini-Realm*

Two very annoyed Elves were standing in the forest, both looking more than a little ruffled. Elrond's robes were hiked up around his knees, possibly because they'd just waded through a very cold river, and Legolas had lost his shirt somewhere along the road. Now it was growing dark, and there was still no sign of this so-called Great Evil Poobah, as the girl who'd spoken to them had called him.

"Do you think there's even any civilisation around here?" Legolas wondered, shading his eyes against the setting sun. "We haven't seen any sign of life since that girl dropped us here."

*A figure watched from the shadows.*

Elrond shrugged. "There have to be living people somewhere. Humans, at least. But unless we're in the West, I doubt there are any Elves."

*The figure licked its lips.*

"So should we stop for sleep or keep going?" Legolas asked. "I doubt there's much of a chance of finding anyone tonight."

*The figure snickered softly and hissed, "my ownses… my preciousesssssssssss…"*

"We should probably get some rest," Elrond mused. "Who knows how far the next living being is?"

*Another figure joined the first one. It hissed, "that'sssssss my trademark, line-sssssstealer." It hit the first figure, who fell to the ground with a thump. The second figure made a noise in its throat like 'gollum, gollum' and slinked away.*

Legolas glanced around. "Did you hear something?"

"I don't think so. Come, we should find a place to sleep for the night. I don't think it's wise to be so close to the river."

The two Elves moved away from the river, oblivious to the eyes watching them from the trees. And the shrubs. And the river itself.

Elves are fun to watch, especially from the back. Especially when Legolas is wearing the tight pants he'd woken up in.

The Elves found a place to sleep and sat down, leaning against a large tree that had conveniently been right there when they needed it. Elrond unclasped the butterfly barrette [4] from his single braid and undid the slender rope of hair, while Legolas unbraided the two golden ropes holding his hair back.

And then something large and black swooped down on them, cackling evilly and smirking. (Yes, it is possible to do both at once.)

The two Elves were distinctly unimpressed. The large and black thing peered down at them, then looked at a photograph clutched in one scaly, clawed paw.

"Hmm, yes, this looks right. Legolas Greenleaf and Elrond Half-Elven?" it asked, sounding like one of those telemarketing people who aren't sure how to pronounce your name and don't particularly care anyway.

"Yes," Elrond said cautiously. "Why?"

"A-HEM! His High-And-Mightyship-Lord-Saruman-The-White,-Not-That-Cheating- Colour-Stealing-Jerk-Gandalf, requests an audience with Legolas Greenleaf and Elrond Half-Elven, to discuss a convenient time for abduction."

Legolas and Elrond stared at him. Finally, Legolas spoke.

"What the fuck?"

The large and black thing sighed. "Fine. Fine. That's what I get for trying to add a little class and order to these things. I'm going to have to knock you out now, and you'll wake up with big headaches in Isengard in chains."

It raised a large and black paw and walloped the Elves hard. Sighing, it deposited its unconscious burdens in the handbasket Saruman had given it (this is a large thing, remember, so its handbasket is damned big) and flew off to Isengard.

***************

*GW's Boromir-Merry-Pippin, Frodo-Sam, Gandalf-Bilbo-Balin, Gimli-Gollum, sometimes Boromir-Lurtz and always Legolas-Aragorn-Elrond Mini-Realm*

I could tell you what's going on in this realm with said Boromir-Merry- Pippin, Frodo-Sam and Gandalf-Bilbo-Balin, but then I'd have to up the rating of this fic to NC-17 and I don't particularly want to. I suck at writing graphic sex. No dirty pun intended.

Gimli was running away from Gollum, having lost his axe somewhere.

Lurtz was stalking Boromir.

However, Legolas, Aragorn and Elrond had just finished what the other threesomes and couple were in the midst of. Now the two Elves and one Man were lying entangled on the grass in a convenient clearing with a convenient blanket over their lower bodies, just in case some marauding Uruk-Hai stumbled onto them.

There was a sound like large wings beating and a shadow passed over them. There was a soft thump as something large settled to the ground, then a faintly amused-sounding voice said, "um, hi. Come here often?"

Aragorn's eyes flew open. Two young men stood at the other end of the very small clearing, one with a smirk on his face. Which was a bit rich, coming from a man with his arms around the waist of his male companion, but still. It irked him.

"Is something wrong?" Elrond asked lazily, not in the least bothered by the fact that he, Legolas and Aragorn were stark naked under their blanket and two other men were there.

The brunette man blinked. "Um, we're kind of lost. We came from over there," he pointed east, "but we got turned around in the fields. Do you know how to get to the nearest town?"

Aragorn studied the two young men. The taller one was lean and muscular, with short wavy brown hair, a defined jawline and some sort of red-lensed eye coverings on. The shorter, slenderer man was very beautiful in an androgynous way, with long golden hair brushing his shoulders, pale skin, crystal blue eyes and large white wings rising from his shoulderblades. The blonde was also the one smirking, with his arms wrapped around the brunette's waist.

Actually, apart from the wings the blonde reminded Aragorn of Haldir of Lórien. A lot.

"Who are you?" the Ranger asked.

The brunette replied, "I'm Scott Summers, and this is Warren Worthington. Look, we're kind of in a hurry, so if you could give us directions…?"

"There's no town near here," Elrond said, again very calmly. "The nearest place is several days' walk, and you'd get lost if you're not familiar with these woods."

Legolas nudged Elrond's shoulder. "Elrond, we're not familiar with these woods. That's why we stopped, remember? We got lost, and Aragorn said that maybe we needed the right inspiration to find our way again."

Scott blinked and Warren smirked again, getting a weird smarmy look on his face. "Well, we got lost too but we didn't resort to using that as an excuse to fuck," he informed them, like Aragorn really cared about the bed habits of these two. They'd ruined the chances of the two Elves being up for more.

"Well, we don't know which way to go. You can leave now," Aragorn said snippily. Scott seemed all right, but Warren grated on his nerves.

Legolas spoke suddenly. "A great shadow and a threat grow in my mind. Something dark patrols this place."

Aragorn considered. "These two?"

Legolas snorted. "No. They wouldn't know a dark force if it bit them on the ass. This is something… else. Like nothing we have faced before."

"Sauron?" Elrond asked.

"It seems different. Not of Middle-Earth, or any place we have knowledge of," the younger Elf replied. "It's… elsewhere. Elusive."

Scott and Warren were still standing there. Aragorn sighed. "Fine, we may as well travel together. Safety in numbers and all that. But you two better keep up with us. And turn around so we can get dressed."

The two did so, Warren snickering. "What, you think we've never seen naked men before?" he asked.

"I think you should shut up before Aragorn decides Anduril needs a new sheath," Legolas advised him, pulling on his leggings and showing off a smooth expanse of back. His quiver of arrows lay on the ground and he carefully strapped it on, picking up his bow. Elrond, taking slightly longer to dress, paused to admire the elegance the younger Elf possessed.

He possessed it as well, but he couldn't very well admire himself. Not unless he wanted to turn into Arwen. [5]

Once the Elves and Aragorn were fully clothed, they set off, with Scott and Warren actually keeping pace easily. There wasn't much conversation, possibly because Elrond and Legolas kept nuzzling up to each other and shooting meaningful glances at Aragorn, while Warren seemed incapable of removing his arm from Scott's waist for any longer than two seconds.

A few hours passed, during which Scott had asked a few questions and had been answered by grunts from Aragorn (who it seemed still resented the intrusion on his time with Legolas and Elrond), strangely cryptic remarks from Elrond or answers from Legolas that involved trees, forests or the stars in some way. Warren didn't seem to care who it was they were walking with, as long as he kept in contact with Scott.

By the time the sun set they'd reached an old ruin (strange how those crop up at the most convenient times, huh?) and had decided to set up camp for the night. Well, Aragorn and Scott decided. Legolas and Elrond were busy whispering about all the things they were going to do to Aragorn as soon as they were alone, and Warren had been sulking ever since Scott had gently but firmly removed his arm from around his waist, insisting that they couldn't exactly climb the crumbling stairs abreast.

Aragorn was glad there was one other reasonably sensible person with him. All right, it had been annoying when Scott and Warren had interrupted him and the Elves, but with the way Elrond and Legolas got when they started plotting, Aragorn was glad of the extra company. Those two would do nothing but whisper and giggle all night. And probably attack him sometime before dawn.

Not that he minded being attacked. But having other people around did a lot to quell his libido.

Aragorn stoked the fire and sat back, expecting a long, long night ahead.

***************

*Realm of the Creators*

The Creators had left the There room and had all gone to their chambers.

In GW's chambers: Plushie Legolas and Plushie Aragorn had vanished under a pile of satin cushions while Plushie Boromir fought off what was actually a Star Wars bounty hunter but was filling in for Lurtz until he had a Plushie toy made.

In Dana's chambers: Dana read PWP after PWP.

In J. Marie's chambers: J. Marie had a debate with herself over which name was better; Aragorn, Strider, Elessar or Estel.

In Ares' chambers: Ares kicked a pillow halfway across the room and knocked the life-size cut-out of Frodo onto the floor.

In AC's chambers: AC used Paint to draw glasses and moustaches on the Harry Potter characters.

In Rebeccah's chambers: Rebeccah read Lord of The Rings for the fifty thousandth time.

In Aallazar's chambers: Aallazar had way too much coffee and started beating the crap out of an Arwen cut-out, yelling about stealing Glorfindel's scene.

Elsewhere, the Slash Guardians worried.

***************

*Aallazar's Boromir-Legolas Mini-Realm*

Boromir was seriously pissed off now. First they'd been dumped in this world, which had really cold rivers, then a large and luridly pink thing kidnapped him and his lover, and now said lover was still unconscious while Saruman and the large and luridly pink thing cackled evilly.

Saruman got a thoughtful expression. "You know," he said to Boromir conversationally, "I've been thinking of getting some publicity. There's a big market for evil these days. But I'd need a snappy nickname."

The large and luridly pink thing offered, "Saruman The Ultimate Procurer of Isildur's Doom, Dealer In Cruel Kinky Horrible Evil Abominable Deeds. Uh, one drawback to that, it spells out STUPID DICKHEAD."

Boromir snorted. Saruman cuffed LALPT and stomped away.

LALPT turned to Boromir. "I thought it was a good nickname," it offered.

"Certainly sums up what Saruman is," Boromir replied. He wasn't really mad at LALPT; it was just doing what it had been told. Saruman was the creep who had ordered this. For that, he would die.

Or else get mice put in his bed.

LALPT looked at Legolas. "Your friend isn't waking up, cute-Man-shaped- thing," it offered.

"You know, I hadn't noticed that," Boromir said snippily, a little startled at the name LALPT called him. He might not be mad at LALPT, but being in chains would piss off anyone. Except people who were really into S&M. [6]

There was the sound of wings and LALPT looked excited. "Large and black thing is back," it squeaked.

"There's more of you?"

"Oh, yes. His High-And-Mightyship-Lord-Saruman-The-White,-Not-That-Cheating- Colour-Stealing-Jerk-Gandalf made several of us. He decided to stop making Uruk-Hai after Lurtz ran off to stalk you, cute-Man-shaped-thing," LALPT explained. "Large and black thing was sent to get the two sexy Elves."

A thing that looked exactly like LALPT except black appeared, carrying a bloody huge handbasket. It opened the thing and dumped two unconscious Elves on the floor: Elrond and… Legolas?

"What the fuck?" Boromir burst out upon seeing two versions of his lover. One in chains not too far from him, and one in tight pants sprawled next to an unconscious Elrond of Imladris.

"Is His High-And-Mightyship-Lord-Saruman-The-White,-Not-That-Cheating- Colour-Stealing-Jerk-Gandalf here?" the large and black thing asked. LALPT pointed the way Saruman had gone and LABT nodded. "I'll tell him that Elrond Half-Elven and Legolas Greenleaf are here," it said. It caught sight of the other Legolas and frowned. "Why is there a second Legolas Greenleaf?"

"Hey, yours is the second," LALPT protested. "I brought mine here first."

"Does it really matter which one is the first or the second?" Boromir asked. "I just want to know why there are two."

LALPT shrugged. "Don't know. But His High-And-Mightyship-Lord-Saruman-The- White,-Not-That-Cheating-Colour-Stealing-Jerk-Gandalf will be happy. Twice as many pretty Elves means twice as much fun."

"What's he going to do to them?" Boromir asked, dreading the answer.

"Well, that depends, cute-Man-shaped-thing. When he's in a good mood he just makes prisoners dress in drag and sing 'Poison' by Bardot," LALPT replied. "When he's in a bad mood he forces them to watch Barney."

Boromir's blood ran cold. Saruman was a bigger monster than he'd ever dared to imagine.

***************

*The Mixed-Up Mini-Realm Containing Elrond, Legolas, Aragorn, Scott, Warren and Elbereth knows who else, Also Known As The X-LoTR Mini-Realm*

Scott leaned against the rock and sighed. It was about midnight, and it was his turn to take a watch. Not that he minded; he'd much rather take a watch than be attacked while he was sleeping. But being awake meant he had to hear what Legolas and Elrond were planning for Aragorn, who was blissfully unaware of his imminent demise at the hands of the Elves.

Warren was asleep on the other side of the small fire they'd made, golden hair flopping over his face and making him look even younger. His wings were wrapped around him for warmth, and Scott noticed Legolas and Elrond shooting the winged man a few curious glances in between whispers and soft giggles.

Those two were worse than St. John and Bobby.

Scott gazed over the land that he could see from their vantage-point atop the old ruins. The forest wasn't very wide in the direction they'd come from; he could catch glimpses of those bloody annoying fields past the trees. To the left was more forest, wound through with rivers. To the right was more forest. Up ahead was, yep, more forest.

Aragorn turned over in his sleep and muttered something in the language Scott had come to recognise as Elvish that made Legolas blush and Elrond burst out laughing. Curiously, Scott asked, "what did he say?"

"He said he wanted to wrestle Legolas to the ground and shag him senseless, despite the rotting pumpkins," Elrond replied.

Scott blinked. "So they have that effect on other people too?"

"What?"

"Never mind." Scott settled back against the rock, his jacket folded behind him to make it a little less uncomfortable. He gazed over the dark, silent surroundings.

Wait a minute.

"Guys? Did you see something move out there?" he asked, scrambling to his feet and peering over the edge of the ruins. Legolas and Elrond moved to his side, looking out into the darkness.

Something moved in the shadows. Then a tall man with longish brown hair appeared, carrying what looked like two children with curly hair and very large, furry feet.

"Boromir!" Legolas called. "What are you doing here?"

"Running," the man replied. "Who else is up there?"

"Aragorn, Elrond and two others we met today," the Elf replied. "Come up here and tell us what you're running from."

A few minutes later, the two curly-haired hobbits were sitting by the fire and gazing adoringly at Boromir while he talked.

"We were in the forest, minding our own business—"

"Shagging," Legolas said knowingly. Merry and Pippin nodded enthusiastically.

"Yes, fine, we were shagging. And we were attacked by a mob of rabid girls," Boromir finished, shuddering. "They were insane!"

"One of them kept shouting, 'we are fangirls, hear us roar, we're too annoying to ignore'," Merry put in. "And they wanted us to sign their underwear."

"Did they follow you?" Elrond asked, looking out into the darkness. It had suddenly gotten extremely threatening.

"I'm not sure," Boromir answered. "I was too busy making sure Merry and Pippin were all right."

Aragorn was toying with Anduril. "If they come near us, they'll have Anduril to reckon with," he said darkly.

Something else moved in the shadows. Two blonde men with pointed ears dashed into the dim illumination, each with a bow drawn and aimed at something in the darkness. One fired his arrow, and it hit something that let out a high-pitched shriek.

"Haldir? Glorfindel?" Elrond asked. The two blondes looked up, relief suffusing their faces.

Once again, explanations were had by the fire. This time, Glorfindel explained while Haldir inspected a long scratch on his arm that looked like it had been made by fingernails.

"Haldir had come to Imladris with a message from Lord Celeborn when the place was attacked by insane women," Glorfindel told them. "They seemed to think that either he or I knew where you and Legolas had gone. And then a few kept yelling about Arwen being a bitch who steals scenes, and everything got very confused after that."

"A few were angry at me because I was rude to Aragorn when he came to Lórien," Haldir remarked.

"How far away is Imladris?" Legolas asked.

"Several days," Haldir replied. "We led them away, but then we couldn't lose them."

Something else moved in the shadows. Scott sighed, "there's someone else out there. Does anyone else have insane women chasing them?"

This time, a mob of girls appeared. With them were two dark-haired Elves, each one gagged by a bright pink scarf and bound with what looked like purple pantyhose. The girls nearest them brandished makeup kits and drag outfits.

The leader of the girls stepped forward. "Give us Elrond and Legolas or Elladan and Elrohir get it!" she shouted.

***************

*The Mixed-Up Mini-Realm With Boromir, Legolas, Elrond and Legolas, Also Called Aallazar-AC's Mini-Realm*

Legolas had been awake for the past half hour and he was still confused out of his mind. Boromir had explained what he and Legolas – the other Legolas – were doing there, and his story was much the same as Legolas'. Boromir and Legolas – the other Legolas – had been in the forest and a large and luridly pink thing had attacked them and brought them to Isengard.

Elrond was still unconscious. LALPT and LABT had gone off to talk to Saruman and find out if something was wrong. Meanwhile, Boromir was trying to take off his chains without much luck, and Legolas – the other Legolas – was inspecting the shackles around his wrists.

Legolas gazed at the other version of himself, who was sitting near Boromir with a dark bruise on his forehead. As far as Legolas could tell, he and the other Elf looked identical. It was fascinating. And creepy.

Boromir dropped his chains and sighed. "Damn. I really, really hope Saruman's in a good mood."

"Why's that?" Legolas asked.

"Because if he's in a good mood we only have to dress in drag and sing 'Poison'. If he's in a bad mood, we have to watch Barney," Boromir informed the Elf.

"Barbaric. He's worse than Sauron."

Elrond stirred and sat up. He looked around the small room and frowned. "Am I seeing double?"

"No, melethron," [7] Legolas assured him. "It is a very long story, and I don't even understand it myself, but it would appear there are two versions of me in this world."

"That's the first good thing about this world," Elrond muttered.

"You tire of me, melethron?" Legolas teased.

"Never. Where exactly are we, Legolas?"

"Isengard," Boromir cut in. "Saruman is around here somewhere, but he stormed off when LALPT suggested that his nickname should stand for STUPID DICKHEAD."

LALPT appeared at that minute. "His High-And-Mightyship-Lord-Saruman-The- White,-Not-That-Cheating-Colour-Stealing-Jerk-Gandalf demands an audience with you," it told them. "His High-And-Mightyship-Lord-Saruman-The-White,- Not-That-Cheating-Colour-Stealing-Jerk-Gandalf will be here shortly."

Boromir cringed. "Is he in a good mood or a bad mood?"

"He is not happy, cute-Man-shaped-one."

"Oh, this is great," Boromir moaned. "We're going to have to watch a dancing purple dinosaur!"

"We have to get away," Elrond said. "That sort of torture can break even an Elf."

***************

*Realm of the Creators*

The inter-Realm VCR kept recording. The Slash Guardian who had started it looked in every now and then to change the tape, but mainly left it alone, apart from an occasional snicker or smug grin.

This particular Slash Guardian had a plan. A very famous plan. [8]

***************

*The Mixed-Up Mini-Realm Containing Elrond, Legolas, Aragorn, Scott, Warren and Elbereth knows who else, Also Known As The X-LoTR Mini-Realm*

Elladan had never been so embarrassed. It was bad enough that he and Elrohir had been captured by this… troupe… of females, but this… it was just plain humiliating.

The leader of the girls, whose name was apparently Callie, was negotiating with a man with red-lensed eye coverings and another man who Elladan vaguely recognised as Boromir of Gondor. His sharp Elven ears had overhead the conversation on top of the ruins before the two negotiators had come down, and he gathered that Boromir and Aragorn didn't want to send Legolas and Elrond down unless it was absolutely necessary.

He understood that. He wouldn't want to be down here either.

Half a dozen of the girls were standing guard around Elladan and Elrohir – like they could really get away with their wrists and ankles bound with some sort of purple material – and two were fingering their makeup kits impatiently.

Callie looked like she was losing her patience. "Listen, there will be no negotiating our terms," she snapped. "Do we have a deal or not?"

Elrond appeared at the top of the crumbling stairs. "Let me talk to my sons first," he called.

Callie turned back to the girls. "What do you say?"

The girls considered and Callie's second-in-command, Carly, replied, "one of them. We need some insurance."

"All right. Courtney, Cassandra, take Elladan up to Elrond. If there's any trouble, we'll get you out of there. We still have Elrohir."

Two of the girls untied Elladan's ankles and started toward the stairs.

Elrond met them three-quarters of the way up. "Ungag him," he ordered, looking furious. Courtney removed the bright pink scarf from Elladan's mouth and took half a step back, keeping a firm grip on her captive's arm.

"Are you all right, my son?" Elrond asked anxiously.

"As well as can be expected, Father. They have not harmed us as yet, though I'm afraid Callie has a very short temper. She won't negotiate for much longer," Elladan warned.

Aragorn stood just behind Elrond, Glorfindel and Haldir with him, and Legolas was a few feet away with two hobbits and a blonde man with wings. This was a very strange turn of events.

Elrond turned to Courtney and Cassandra. "May we have a moment in private?"

The two girls glanced at each other and moved to the only way off the ruins. They stood blocking access, watching Elrond and Elladan with hard eyes.

Elrond glanced at them before turning to Elladan. "Do they have any weaknesses we can exploit?" he asked.

"Only their lust for you and Legolas," Elladan replied. "Otherwise they act as an orchestrated attack force. Don't risk yourself, Father. Elrohir and I can find a way out of this."

"I will not leave you in their hands," Elrond snapped.

A voice spoke from near the fire.

"A great shadow and a threat grows in my mind."

They turned to look at Legolas, having learnt the hard way – several times – to trust him when a shadow and a threat grew in his mind. All except the winged man, who snorted.

"What is it?" Aragorn asked. "Can you tell?"

"I am unsure. I feel that… people very close to us are in peril," Legolas said slowly.

Courtney sighed. "Are you quite done? Callie isn't known for her patience."

"Legolas, can you tell anything else?" Aragorn pressed.

"Not much. Only that we must go to… Isengard. Saruman holds our friends prisoner there."

Elrond turned to Courtney and Cassandra. "Tell your leader that we have friends in peril. Surely she must understand that we have to help them."

Cassandra ran down the crumbling stairs to report to Callie. She was back within seconds.

"Callie will lend our aid to you in rescuing your friends, but until that time Elladan and Elrohir remain with us, and after your friends are safe we will resume negotiation," she said. "That's the way it goes. Either we come with you or none of us are going anywhere."

Elrond sighed. "It appears we have no choice. Tell her we agree to her terms, for now. But if my sons come to any harm, whether physical or psychological, all deals are off."

Courtney nodded. "That's fair enough. We have to return to Callie and the others. We'll be ready to set off within half an hour."

She and Cassandra escorted Elladan back to ground level. Once they'd left him with Elrohir, he quickly explained everything he'd heard.

"Who do you think Saruman has?" Elrohir asked. "Glorfindel and Haldir are here, as are Legolas and Aragorn. Who else can it be?"

***************

*The Mixed-Up Mini-Realm With Boromir, Legolas, Elrond and Legolas, Also Called Aallazar-AC's Mini-Realm*

"Make it stop," Boromir moaned. Saruman sat behind them, cackling wickedly, while LALPT looked concerned.

A huge TV sat in front of the four captives (don't ask me where Saruman got a TV from) with a big purple dinosaur dancing on the screen, singing.

"I love you, you love me, we're a happy fa-mi-ly!"

"Can't you just torture us?" Elrond asked, wincing as Barney hit a particularly high note. "This is evil beyond even you!"

Saruman laughed. "I will break you, Elves."

"We're broken, okay? Are you happy now?" Legolas (Elrond's Legolas) asked.

LABT lumbered in, a confused expression on its face. "Lord Lord-Saruman-The- White,-Not-That-Cheating-Colour-Stealing-Jerk-Gandalf, there seem to be some people outside."

"What people?" Saruman snapped.

"Um, a mob of girls, Lord-Saruman-The-White,-Not-That-Cheating-Colour- Stealing-Jerk-Gandalf," LABT replied. "Their leader claims to be called Alexandra, and she says that if you don't release Elrond, Legolas, Legolas and Boromir to them, they will be forced to paint Isengard hot pink and write 'strip club for Uruk-Hai' in psychedelic colours."

Saruman shuddered. "Barbaric," he muttered. "I hate hot pink. And Sauron wouldn't particularly be happy if Isengard was pink and turned into a strip club for Uruk-Hai. Tell them I accede to their demands."

LABT nodded and left. LALPT asked, "are you really sending away cute-Man- shaped-thing, Lord-Saruman-The-White,-Not-That-Cheating-Colour-Stealing- Jerk-Gandalf?"

"I'm afraid so, Large And Luridly Pink Thing. It must be done."

LALPT looked disappointed. "But I like cute-Man-shaped-thing."

"Maybe the girls will let you go with them. Go down and ask."

Once LALPT was gone, Saruman glared at Boromir. "What is it with you and my creatures? They all fall in love with you, for Sauron's sake! Them, or a cave-troll!"

Legolas nibbled Boromir's earlobe. "I can certainly see the appeal."

Elrond looked shocked, until the other Legolas said softly, "that's the other one, melethron."

LABT returned with half a dozen girls in tow. "They are here for the Elves and the Man, Lord Lord-Saruman-The-White,-Not-That-Cheating-Colour-Stealing- Jerk-Gandalf," it said. "They also said Large And Luridly Pink Thing can go with them, because it is pink. It is waiting downstairs with its suitcase."

Saruman nodded and stalked out of the room, muttering something about stupid girls and how if it had been up to him they wouldn't have been invented.

The girls looked over the three Elves and the Man, their eyes shining. The tallest one, a brunette with blue eyes, licked her lips. "Okay, hot stuff, let's go."

"'Hot stuff'?" Legolas (Boromir's Legolas) muttered. "I've been called a lot, but never 'hot stuff'."

The brunette smiled. "I'm Alexandra," she chirped, "and by the laws of chess you are now our prisoners."

"By the laws of chess?" Boromir said sceptically.

"Okay, by the laws of we-captured-you-so-there!" Alexandra snapped, still managing to sound chirpy. "Anya, Amanda, Abigail, Alison, you get the ropes. April, make sure the others are ready downstairs. And tell LALPT that we're going to head off in a few minutes."

"Does it strike anyone else as strange that all these girls have names beginning with 'A'?" Elrond asked.

Anya, Amanda, Abigail and Alison each had a bright pink rope in her hands. Legolas and Legolas moved forward, instinctively reaching for bows that weren't there. Alexandra sighed and pulled a small crossbow out of hammer space, aiming it at them.

"Behave. Or I'll shoot you."

"You're aiming too low to kill us," Legolas (Elrond's) couldn't help saying.

Alexandra grinned. "Yes, but I'm aiming low enough to do a lot of damage."

Legolas gulped. "Oh. Okay then."

The four girls swiftly bound their hands, somehow doing it in a way that made it impossible for the Elves to squirm out of their bonds. Alexandra stared at the three Elves, absent-mindedly wiping drool off her chin. "Mmm… okay, girls, let's go."

***************

*The Mini-Realm that has become extremely mixed-up, which now includes Scott-And-Warren, Legolas-And-Elrond-And-Aragorn, Legolas-And-Elrond, Legolas-And-Boromir, Boromir-And-Merry-And-Pippin and half a million other people, including Gandalf-Bilbo-And-Balin, (who are still off doing things that I'm too polite to mention) and Sam-And-Frodo (who are doing much the same thing as Gandalf, Bilbo and Balin except with pots and pans). This Mini-Realm also contains Glorfindel and Haldir, who are as yet unhitched but may acquire partners if they're lucky.*

Don't worry, Sam and Frodo will be along soon enough. I mean, how much time can two Hobbits spend shagging?

Uh…

Forget I asked.

Anyway.

Scott and Boromir were riding with Courtney and Cassandra, who seemed to be the sanest amongst the girls. Legolas and Elrond kept away from the girls, since the strange females had taken to staring at the two Elves and licking their lips, and Aragorn stayed with Legolas and Elrond, playing with Anduril's hilt every time someone got too close. Warren had decided it was safer in the sky since one of the girls had decided he looked like an Elf with wings, and he'd finally given in to Merry and Pippin's pleading looks and carried them as he flew. Squeals of delight came from up above.

Glorfindel and Haldir were still mad at the girls, it seemed, because they'd haughtily accepted the offer of horses and then rode up ahead with Legolas, Elrond and Aragorn, occasionally shooting venomous glares at the girls.

"Does Legolas have any idea who Saruman holds prisoner?" Courtney asked. She was astride a black mare and carried a long sword that looked as though it had come from a comic book about Japanese Samurai. (In other words, long, thin and curvy.)

"Not as far as I know," Scott replied. "I guess we'll just have to find out when we get there."

Cassandra sighed and brushed her hair off her face. "Well, I doubt Saruman will be able to hold off an attack of fangirls. Nobody has yet, and the Elves of Rivendell are far more able to defend themselves than one old man who doesn't even use Uruk-Hai anymore. Ever since Lurtz ran off Saruman has been sulking."

Scott glanced back. The two dark-haired Elves were riding in the middle of a knot of girls, their hands still tied with purple pantyhose. Their horses were flanked by two others, the girls on each side holding the reins of the Elves' steeds.

"Can I talk to them?" Scott asked Courtney.

She shrugged. "Don't see why not. Come with me."

They dropped back to the knot of girls and Courtney spoke to one of them softly. Being Callie's third-in-command or something, she apparently had a lot of influence. The girls gave them some semblance of privacy, though kept close enough to catch up if the men tried anything.

One of the dark-haired Elves smiled tiredly at Scott. "How goes the quest?" he asked sardonically. "I don't imagine you thought this would happen."

"No, I have to admit I don't often fantasise about riding with a bunch of girls who are holding two Elves ransom against two other Elves," Scott replied. "Listen, what do they want with Elrond and Legolas? Not to sound callous or anything, but aren't two Elves enough?"

The Elf chuckled softly. "Ah, but these girls have an obsession with our father and Legolas. Elladan and I are merely aesthetically pleasing to the eye, while Father and Legolas are… I think the words Callie used were 'nummy treats'."

"Aesthetically pleasing to the eye?"

"Hey, just repeating what I've heard," the Elf said. "I'm Elrohir, by the way."

"Scott Summers. Look, there must be something we can do to get out of this mess," Scott said. "Don't these girls have any weakness?"

"Like I told Father, only their lust for him and Legolas," Elladan replied tiredly. "I honestly doubt there's an easy way out of this situation."

Warren swooped down, still holding Merry and Pippin firmly in his arms. "Scott, there's something up ahead. Looks like a crowd of some sort. I can't see what sort of people they are yet."

"Okay. Take Merry and Pippin to Boromir and scout up ahead," Scott told Warren. "You don't mind, do you?"

"Of course not. The sooner we figure out this mess, the sooner we can get back home," Warren reasoned. As Scott watched, he flew up to Boromir and gently deposited the Hobbits in front of the man before flying higher into the sky and heading for the horizon.

Courtney rode up beside Scott and asked, "where is he going?"

"He thought he saw some people up ahead. He's making sure they're not a threat."

"I'd really prefer if you conferred with one of us before sending people off," Courtney said, sounding a little pissed. "Callie wanted to keep us all together until we reached Isengard."

"Would you rather we walk into an ambush?" Scott asked, keeping a hold on his temper with great difficulty. "Just because you're all too incompetent to post scouts doesn't mean we all are."

Courtney seethed. "You'll regret saying that," she hissed.

"Whatever," Scott snapped. "Look, you can be mad at me later. Right now we may very well be walking into an ambush and Warren's the only one among us who was intelligent enough to think of looking ahead instead of drooling over Elves. So get your act together and see if we're really facing a threat or not!"

***************

*The Mixed-Up Mini-Realm With Boromir, Legolas, Elrond and Legolas, Also Called Aallazar-AC's Mini-Realm. Also currently contains the fangirls whose names all start with 'A', LALPT, several Uruk-Hai including Lurtz, a cave- troll and the Balrog, who has finally gotten over Gandalf and has his eyes fixed on a certain Man-shaped-thing who catches the eyes of every male in Middle-Earth…*

Boromir glanced back again. Something told him they were being followed.

He, Elrond, Legolas and Legolas were in a wagon with two of the girls, Amy and Ariel, driving. The other girls were all riding horses outfitted in various eye-smarting shades of pink, and LALPT was flying at the head of the crowd.

They stopped suddenly and one of the girls came galloping back, reining in her horse and saying to Ariel, "the C group are just ahead. They've got who we're after."

Ariel grinned. "Good. Go get Alexandra and we'll prepare to deal."

Another girl rode up from behind. "Ariel, there are five Uruk-Hai, a cave- troll and a Balrog behind us. They have Sam and Frodo, and they're demanding to speak with Alexandra. They're willing to trade."

Ariel raised her eyebrows. "We'd have the full set? Go tell Alexandra and we'll figure this out."

She turned back. "Say goodbye to each other, hot stuff, you're about to be separated," she said. "Alexandra's making a deal."

A mob of girls was up ahead, all seated on horses that, miraculously, weren't wearing anything besides the usual saddles, halters and other assorted bits and pieces. With them was a small knot of men, too far away to make out familiar features, and one winged man in the sky, hovering just above a brunette man with red eye-coverings. One of the girls rode out, followed by the brunette man who appeared to be making sure nothing untoward happened.

Right.

The girl halted her horse in front of Alexandra and raised her eyebrows. "What do you want to deal for?" she asked. "And what do you have?"

"Nice to see you too, Callie," Alexandra said sarcastically. "We want Merry and Pippin. We've got Elrond and Legolas and, well, another Legolas. Something weird is going on here, but I like it."

The brunette man sighed. "More multiple people," he muttered. "Great."

"Shh, Scott," Callie said absentmindedly. She turned back to Alexandra. "So you want to trade Legolas, Legolas and Elrond for Merry and Pippin. I don't know, the hobbits kind of grow on me."

"You mind if I talk to those guys?" Scott asked Alexandra.

"Sure, go ahead. Just over there."

Scott rode over and said to Amy and Ariel, "give us a minute okay?"

Amy grinned. "Whatever you say, gorgeous." She and Ariel jumped down from the driver's seat and went to listen to the negotiations. Scott turned to the four men and sighed.

"Okay, here's the low-down. Back there," jerking his thumb towards the other mob of girls, "are Aragorn, Elrond, Legolas – apparently there's more than one of you, don't ask me how – Boromir, Merry, Pippin, Haldir, Glorfindel and a guy who's with me. The girls are demanding that we give them Elrond and Legolas, or they'll do… something to Elladan and Elrohir. I didn't quite get that bit, to tell you the truth. Up there," pointing the way the 'A' group had come, "is a thing that looks like it's made of shadows and fire, a really ugly troll thing, a bright pink creature and about five weird-looking humanoids. They have two… I think Boromir called them hobbits. I don't know what they want yet."

"Who the hell are you, and how do you know that?" Boromir asked, since the Elves were still back on the idea of there being more of them and trying to decide whether that was a good thing or not.

"My name's Scott Summers, and the guy I was talking about has wings. He did a little recon. Before you ask, we're not supposed to be in this world, we just got dumped here by some weird girl."

One of the 'A' girls approached Alexandra and Callie, LALPT in tow. "Alex, LALPT and his group say they're willing to trade Sam and Frodo for any Boromirs in the vicinity. That includes the one the 'C' group has."

Alexandra nodded. "Okay. Callie, you can have Legolas and Elrond and Legolas if you give us Boromir, Merry and Pippin. And we wouldn't mind Glorfindel and Haldir, either. Some of the girls have a thing for Elves."

"I'll see what I can do," Callie said. "You got any interest in a winged guy who looks like an Elf?"

Scott wheeled around. "Hey! Warren's mine, so leave him out of this!"

He turned back to Boromir and the Elves. "I've tried everything I can think of to get everyone out of this, and I hate to admit it, but these girls are pretty much invincible, at least until we have a lot more manpower."

***************

*The Realm of the Creators*

Lust glanced at the other Slash Guardians. "I think this has gone on far enough," he said. "It's getting out of hand."

The others nodded. Slasher said, "I knew it'd be weird, but this? We have to get the Creators to snap out of There and stop the fangirls."

At that moment, J. Marie and AC emerged from There, both looking like they hadn't slept for a week. J. Marie was saying, "I know Ares likes Logan, but with Scott? It's just not right!"

Slasher and Libido, the two Slash Guardians who worked with J. Marie and AC the closest, corralled the two Creators by the coffee machine, while Lust, Desire, Erotica, Lover, Sensuality and Passion walked into the There room to get Aallazar, Rebeccah, Dana, Ares and GW.

The Slash Guardians emerged, dragging the protesting Creators. Once all the Creators were in the large-ish room that the Slash Guardians usually congregated in, Lover said, "look, this is going too far. You've got writer's block, we know, but that's no excuse to let the characters suffer. Take a look at this!"

With a wave of his hand, a large viewing screen on one wall appeared. The Creators stared at the melee of fangirls, mutants and LoTR characters with a mix of horror and lust on their faces.

"You have to do something," Slasher said plaintively. "We can't go into the Mini-Realms without one of you there."

"What are the characters doing there anyway?" AC asked. "The Mini-Realms are normally separated, aren't they?"

"Normally," Lust assented, "but there's been a lot of strain on them lately, thanks to this epidemic, and the borders tore. We Slash Guardians aren't powerful enough to do anything about it. Only you can."

The Creators looked at each other. Finally, Aallazar said, "we'd better go sort this out."

***************

*The Mini-Realm that has turned into an amalgamation of all the Mini- Realms, with Gandalf-Bilbo-and-Balin still off somewhere (they have stamina, don't they?) and Gollum chasing Gimli through Moria.*

Glorfindel reached for an arrow, noting Haldir doing the same beside him. The two Elves spun around on their horses to aim at the girls, only to find their weapons gone.

Someone cleared their throat. The Elves turned to look at the small group that stood between the two mobs.

Five people stood between the 'A' group and the 'C' group, while another two were with the Uruk-Hai and assorted other creatures. All but one were female, but all had the same slightly annoyed expression on their face.

With them were some semi-transparent people, male and female.

One of the females spoke. "That's quite enough," she said severely to the 'C' group. "Dana and Ares locked you up before, and they can do it again. Only this time they won't give you any fanfics to read while you're there."

Callie shivered. "We're sorry, AC," she whimpered, "but it's our nature! We're insane fangirls; what else is there for us to do?"

"She has a point," one of the other women said. "We can't really punish them for doing what's in their nature to do."

AC sighed. "Fine. Dana, help me send them back to where they belong. They can keep their Internet connection."

A woman stepped forward. The two clasped hands and there was a bright flash of golden light. When it cleared, the fangirls were gone.

One of the women with the Uruk-Hai and assorted other creatures did the same, eliciting a golden flash of light as she sent the creatures back to where they belonged. She and the other woman walked over with Sam and Frodo.

"Everything done?" the man asked.

"All taken care of."

"Excuse me," Scott said, "but who exactly are you?"

AC grinned. "We're the Creators."

"We Create stuff," the man explained. "We write fanfiction about… well, you guys, to be honest. These are J. Marie, GW, AC, Ares, Dana and Rebeccah. They all lust after a few of you."

"Aallazar doesn't lust after anyone," GW said mischievously.

"That's right, I'm above that," he said loftily, grinning. "Listen, we should get you guys back to where you belong."

GW frowned. "Aallazar, they're all mixed up."

"That's fixable," J. Marie said. "Scott, Warren, come with me, please. I'll send you back to your world."

The two mutants bid farewell to the LoTR characters and went with J. Marie. A flash of golden light preceded their departure.

"All right," AC said, "Legolas and Elrond."

"Not the ones who're also with Aragorn," Ares warned. "That's a whole other story."

Two of the Elves stepped forward. A flash of golden light and they were gone.

"Legolas and Boromir."

Flash. Gone.

"Legolas, Elrond and Aragorn."

Flash. Gone.

"Boromir, Merry and Pippin."

Flash. Gone.

"Sam and Frodo."

Flash. Gone.

Soon the only non-Creator people left were Elladan, Elrohir, Haldir and Glorfindel. Aallazar frowned. "Now, where do you four belong? I don't think any of us write much about you. Except Dana has a thing for you, Haldir."

The blonde Lórien Elf eyed Dana nervously, until GW said reassuringly, "Creators aren't fangirls. Dana just thinks you're… what was it she said?"

"The hottest blondie-bear-Elf-archer on the face of the earth, though he's got competition in Legolas," J. Marie supplied, smirking.

"Much as I love to see Dana blush, we need to find out where these guys belong," Aallazar interrupted.

Dana stepped forward. "I'll find out. Why don't you guys come with me, and we'll figure out which Realm you came from."

The four Elves and the Creator vanished in a flash of golden light, leaving six Creators and the Slash Guardians. AC turned to Libido. "I think you all owe us an explanation."

"The epidemic was getting bad," Lover said. "We wanted to do something to help you get your inspiration. So we brought the characters here."

Slasher held out a pile of videotapes. "I made tapes," she offered.

Aallazar grinned. "Oh, this is going to be interesting."

***************

End.

***************

[1] Reference to 'Stargate: SG-1' here, more specifically Daniel Jackson, who, it seems, has more lives than a cat.

[2] Which just goes to show how much I dislike Dragonball Z

[3] My friends tell me I can do a wounded-puppy expression. I don't know why.

[4] Reference to AC's fic *'Though I Am Young And Cannot Tell'*. Had to mention the butterfly barrette. It's just so cute.

[5] I don't hate her, I swear. She's just… ugh. I'm still mad at her for stealing Glorfindel's thunder in the movie.

[6] Sex and Masochism. (By the way, what the heck does BDSM mean?)

[7] Elvish for 'lover' (I hope).

[8] Beatles reference there. Anyone seen their movie *'Help'*? Brilliant movie.

Re: the fangirls and the fire. It's possible for the fangirls to have gone to Imladris, because the Mini-Realms are still Middle-Earth, just different in each one, depending on each Creator.