A/N: And again. Weird Chustin/Juliark mashup with some one sided Jogan. And the song is from RENT. Talk about slashy. I don't own Glee (Mr Murphy) dalton (Mama CP) or Without You (Jonathon Larson)
*GLEE*
Without you, the ground thaws
the rain falls
the grass grows
The last term of Senior Year is torture for Charlie. For the two terms before that, he and Justin had been dating – secretly – and Justin had gone home for the holidays with plans to tell his parents.
That had backfired, because they proved to be homophobic, and had yelled at the Hanover for hours about how he was letting his family down, and why he should find himself a nice, rich girl to settle down with and start a family.
Charlie had helped him prepare for such a situation, with information about where same-sex marriage was allowed, and adoption, but they wouldn't listen.
They made him break up with Charlie via email. He'd cried as he typed the words, and begged to be allowed to call him, at least, but they said no, and took away his cell phone and his laptop for the rest of the holidays.
At least the weather – rain – matched his mood.
Without you, the seeds root
the flowers bloom
the children play
Julian finally decided that this term, he would tell Logan how he felt. Maybe. He was sure the blond didn't feel the same way, and he wouldn't be able to stay at Dalton with him if he actually said it. So he waited until the day he was supposed to leave to shoot the next season of "Something Damaged" before going in search of the Prefect.
Logan was in Warbler Hall when he finally found him. He walked over to him, taking deep breaths as he tried to think how to word what he had to say.
He didn't say anything.
Logan had turned, phone in hand, smiling, and started talking about "Alex", someone he had presumably met during the holidays.
So Julian called the car, went out to the gardens to wait, and then fled.
The stars gleam
the poets dream
Charlie sent texts every hour, and emails every half hour. Justin didn't answer, which worried him. Even if he was ill, he'd have managed a text.
Then the email arrived.
Charlie didn't know how to react. He hoped – he knew – that Justin wouldn't break up with him like that if he had a choice, so presumably his parents had forced him to do it. The fact he STILL wasn't answering texts or emails was worrying, so Charlie sent Laura an email, hoping she could give him more details.
Charlie:
Mum & Dad were really angry. They took Justin's phone and his laptop away, and he's not really meant to leave his room. He asked me if I could tell you he was really sorry…
Laura x
P.S. : Justin keeps writing really angsty poetry. How do I get him to stop?
P.P.S. : I don't care if you want to be together. Love is love, no matter what Mum & Dad say.
The eagles fly
without you
This time, it took Logan two days to notice his friend had flown the nest. He sent a quick text asking what he had wanted when he came to Warbler Hall, and scolding him for leaving again so soon before finals.
Julian sat in his trailer, alone – he was a few days early to set, his friends weren't here yet – and thought about how to answer. There was no point telling Logan how he felt now that he was with "Alex", but he couldn't exactly say that he'd left because of Logan… so what did he say?
In the end, he sent one word.
- Goodbye -
The Earth turns
the sun burns
but I die, without you
Justin obeyed the order to stay in his room. He only came out to eat, and even then not very often. He got steadily paler and thinner, and wouldn't have eaten before if it wasn't for Laura, who passed on the message that Charlie was worried about him.
The days passed and got a little warmer, sunnier, but it didn't make much of a difference to Justin. It had been two weeks since his confession; school would start in a few days. He ventured downstairs and found his mother.
He asked if he would be going back to Dalton and she looked at him, and fetched an air ticket, undated.
He left that afternoon.
Without you, the breeze warms
the girl smiles
the cloud moves
Julian was surprised how much weight had lifted off his shoulders now he knew for certain he had no chance with Logan. There was no pressure to come out, or stay at – return to – Dalton, so he could focus on the show. Maybe he'd finally find someone else to fall in love with.
Back at Dalton, Logan remained unbothered by the loss of his wingman, spending as much time as he could with Alex and the rest with Derek. Sure, he and Julian had been friends, but they were never all that close because of Julian's constant to – and – fro attendance. Besides, he had no reason to believe Julian wouldn't be back. Derek certainly wasn't going to tell him.
Without you, the tides change
the boys run
the oceans crash
They avoided each other. Charlie stayed with the Windsors, run off his feet by their crazy antics as usual, and Justin spent more time with Danny and Spencer. They both needed time to think about whether they could cope without each other, and in Justin's case what consequences there would be if he continued to spend time with Charlie as more than just friends.
They both had places to go when they needed to think. Justin climbed a tree in a nearby forest and stayed there for hours in silence. Charlie went to the nearest beach and watched the boats on the lake, taking comfort from the joy of those around him.
The crowds roar
the days soar
Clark had noticed Julian seemed a bit… different… since returning from Dalton, but he hadn't found the time to ask him about it. In fact, almost a month passed before he actually spent more than an hour with Julian without being on camera, and any time at all with him alone – Julian had been with Nathan constantly as they prepared to take finals online.
Julian was nominated for an award (Best Actor), as was Clark (Best Newcomer) so they were suddenly faced with the prospect of three or four hours together. They spent the first five minutes of the car ride in silence, before Julian suddenly blurted out that he was bi, that he'd been in love with Logan, but now he was over him, which was why he was happier.
Clark sat in stunned silence as he realized just how cute Julian looked in a tuxedo.
The babies cry
without you
Justin stayed in the tree even when it started to rain, as he was reasonably sheltered by the leaves. Soon, the rain running down his face was joined by tears as he realized what he had done to Charlie. They'd promised each other they wouldn't let their parents control them, and here he was doing just that. It took him two minutes to think of where Charlie would be.
At the beach, Charlie was getting similarly wet. He didn't want to leave because everyone in Windsor was starting to notice his mood and trying to cheer him up. In Kurt's case that meant cookies, but for the Tweedles it meant pranks, nerf battles, and impromptu mini parties, and he just couldn't face that today. One month since they broke up.
The moon glows
the river flows
but I die without you
They both won the awards they were nominated for, and some of the others – Clark suspected Alica – insisted on going to a bar. Julian doesn't seem to be talking to anyone, just sitting by himself sipping at whatever it is he's drinking, so Clark walks over and suggests they leave. Julian follows him willingly and when they get outside he looks at Clark with the same knowing expression Clark himself used far too often.
They reach the hotel before Clark finds the words to ask if Julian is all right. The actor looks at him incredulously and shakes his head no. He's miserable now he's lost Logan, just as he was miserable when he wanted but couldn't have him.
The world revives
colors renew
Justin is drenched by the time he moves to stand next to Charlie on the sand. The Windsor glances at him dully and tries to move away, but Justin catches him wrist and drags him to the car. They drive in silence to a small, friendly café where they order hot chocolate and sit in a corner, both wanting to tell all but not quite sure how to start. Eventually, they head back to Dalton where they separate and head for their own dorms. Charlie doesn't even make it to his before he starts wondering whether or not he should just text Justin (who had been bought a new phone as a birthday present by a very observant Kurt and Blaine).
The idea of talking to him makes everything a little bit easier.
But I know blue
only blue
Clark guides Julian back to his trailer and makes sure he's fast asleep before writing him a note and leaving it on the pillow. Telling people things was never his strong suit, and this seems like the best option. Every single time he looks at the brunette all he can think is how upset Julian still is about Logan, and that now really, really isn't a good time to tell him how he feels. So he writes it all down and retreats to his own trailer to wait.
Julian wakes without a hangover – he hadn't actually drunk that much the night before, he was a clingy, weepy drunk at the best of times – from a very confusing dream about a certain blue-eyed blond. He noticed the folded paper and picked it up, frowning at the lines of blue, slanted writing.
J -
I know that this is the last thing you want to hear right now, but I think I'm in love with you. I was insanely jealous of Logan the whole time you were fawning over him, and now you're… kind of over that… I just thought I should tell you before it got too late.
Sorry,
C x
Lonely blue
willingly blue
without you
When he couldn't bear the lonely silence anymore, he sent the message he'd typed and erased too many times to count.
- Can we talk? –
The reply came quickly.
- Sure… where? –
Charlie sat and stared at his phone. He hadn't really expected to get an answer and now he had one he felt unsure again. Slowly, he typed out a response.
- Can I come to your dorm? There's a bunch of crazy people running around near mine. –
It took a few minutes for a response, the longest of his life.
- Okay. The front door is unlocked. –
He rushed straight there, despite the still-falling rain, and stopped only when he reached Justin's door. He forced himself to take a breath, then raise a hand to knock.
The English boy answered, his expression guarded. Charlie silently followed him over to the bed and sat down next to him. He opened his mouth to explain, but Justin beat him to it.
"I just rang my parents." He looked slightly confused. Charlie picked up his iPod, so that he didn't sit on it by accident. Justin wasn't looking at him, so he checked what was playing. A blues playlist called 'What do I do?'
"And?" He asked, trying and failing to catch Justin's eye.
"I'm not… I'm staying here for college. University. I might not go home over the summer. If they let Laura come here for a bit."
Charlie blinked. "Why?"
"They threw me out…" Justin said quietly. Charlie hesitated, not certain. Justin finally looked at him.
"They threw me out… because I told them I wouldn't leave you."
Without you, the hand gropes
the ear hears
the pulse beats
Julian finally put the paper down, and made his way to Clark's trailer. The blond looked up, showing red-rimmed eyes, as the younger boy sat down next to him. Julian was quiet for a few minutes, before sighing and meeting Clark's gaze.
"How long?" He asked calmly. Clark opened and closed his mouth a few times before managing to answer.
"Since your first full season."
Julian smiled. "Wow. That's only, what, 18 months? Half the time it took me to pluck up the courage to say something. I'm impressed."
"First and last time I'll do that." Clark replied dully. Julian gave him a look as thought to say 'p-lease!'
"Clark, you impress me all the time. Mostly with how oblivious you can be… but also how cute you are… and, umm… how… easy it is to fall for you…"
"To…" Clark stared. "You…"
"…yes."
Without you, the eyes gaze
the legs walk
the lungs breathe
"You told them… you chose me?"
"Of course I did. This… this is going to sound stupid, but even though I was alive without you, I couldn't… live… without you… it was horrible. I missed you so much, and I felt so guilty!"
"Justin, it wasn't your fault. I knew your parents wouldn't let you date me, that's why I didn't tell you for ages!"
"I shouldn't have listened to them when they wanted me to send you that email… and I should have hidden my phone, or…"
"Justin." Charlie interrupted gently. His friend stopped talking abruptly.
"Yes?"
"I forgive you. You didn't have a choice."
"I did, I could have-"
"Is this how you spent the past month by any chance?"
"…possibly."
The mind churns
the heart yearns
the tears dry without you
Clark blinked, and Julian noticed that he was still crying. He twisted and gently wiped the tears away, pulling the blond in to a tight hug.
"Clark, why exactly are you crying? Am I really that moving?" He teased. Clark laughed weakly, pushing at his shoulder.
"Shut up, Larson."
"Stop sobbing then. You're getting my shirt wet."
"You're not very good at romance, are you, J?"
"Well. I haven't had much practice, have I?"
"Please. You've slept with more girls that Cameron."
"Key words there are 'slept with'. I never dated them or asked them out… just agreed when they asked."
"Well, I'm not going to make it so easy for you. I refuse to even kiss you until you ask me nicely."
"Are you serious?"
"Yep."
"…right."
Life goes on
but I'm gone
"You…are pathetic."
"Thanks. I see exactly why I chose you." Justin's cockney accent was back as he teased Charlie. The American rolled his eyes.
"You spent a month moping. And writing poetry."
Justin blushed scarlet. "Laura told you about that, then."
"Yes. She called it 'very angsty' actually."
"I'm going to kill her."
"I wouldn't, if I were you. She's promised to try and talk your parents round. And she insists that we invite her if we get married."
Justin, if possible, blushed even more. Charlie pouted. "What, wouldn't you want to marry me?"
"Well, yes, but-"
"Don't tell Laura, will you? She wants to plan it."
"…I'm going to kill her."
"… do you want some help?"
'cause I die, without you
without you
Julian grabbed Clark's arm as they were leaving set the next day, pulling him over to his trailer.
"So. You said I had to ask nicely."
"Yes… should I be worried?"
"Probably."
"Wait, why should-"
"Clark, I was joking. Anyway. Er. Yeah. Thiss is going to be pathetic…"
"Julian?"
"Yes Popstar?"
"Will you just ask already?"
"Erm. Can I kiss you?"
"Yes."
Julian hesitantly did as he was told, pleasantly surprised when Clark kissed back slightly more forcefully. They broke apart for air, and Julian tilted his head as he considered Clark.
"What?"
"Just wondering when you found the time to learn how to kiss like that."
"Funny. I was thinking the same. Will you promise me something?"
"Depends what it is really."
"Don't go back to Dalton. Because… when you're not here I… die a little inside."
"And you thought I was unromantic."
"Julian!"
"Okay, okay, I promise."
Without you
without you...
Justin leant against Charlie, who kissed the top of his head. "I love you, y'know."
"I love you too, Justin. Even if your parents don't want us to be together, we'll manage. I promise."
"I know. I've got a place at the same college as you, hopefully, so they won't be able to interfere for now. And since Laura is apparently our shipper, I'm sure she'll help out if we need her to."
"Are you suggesting I can't protect you by myself?" Charlie asked, trying to sound hurt. Justin shook his head slightly, grinning at the other boy.
"No. Because that would be stupid."
"Like your parent's attitudes?"
"Yes." He twisted so he could kiss Charlie properly. "How they think I could be happy without you, I just don't know."