Disclaimer: I own none of the His Dark Materials
characters or any information from the books used in this fic. The ideas though are my own.
Heaven Starts Here
~Phoenixstar
Taking a deep breath, she tried again. At first, she closed her eyes, concentrating on the
alethiometer held between her hands.
Thinking like she was forcing all the energy she felt in her thumping
heart out through her fingertips into the warm metal object, almost as if
fuelling it with her want for this to work. But she couldn't resist opening them, hoping to see
the hands spin around, touching on all the little pictures. Only, just like the last time the hands
weren't moving.
She closed her eyes again and put the alethiometer back on the bed. She tried to control the welling up of
anger inside her. She knew she
could do this, she had done it before, and she knew that she could again. What was stopping her?
As she sat on her bed, fists clenched tightly, the anger slowly ebbed into
sadness. It could only be her
fault that she couldn't do it.
She was now failing at the one thing she had prided herself at being so
special at. She could remember the
looks of astonishment that had lined the old mens' faces as she had
managed to read it so clearly, seeing so clearly the meaning beyond the little
symbols. Only now, if they could
see her that look would be gone, replaced by pity perhaps, on even
indifference. She was now a plain
girl named Lyra.
She rubbed furiously at her eyes.
No matter what happened, Lyra would not cry. That was something she had given up a long time ago, when
she had been forced to give up other things, like her power over the
altheometer and Will. No, Lyra
didn't cry anymore.
Opening her eyes, she got up off the bed, and stretched her arms above
her head. She glanced over at the
clock, it was getting late. She
carefully picked up the alethiometer, and put it back in its pouch. She had taken to handling it with most
extreme care, as though it were made of glass. Once, a while ago, she had wondered if maybe all it had gone
through, banging around in her knapsack through her adventures, had damaged
it. The thought had been quickly
dismissed. Will had said that it
was still there inside her somewhere, and she trusted Will.
She now put the alethiometer back into her knapsack, which lay limply
against the wall. She then took
the time to look around her room.
She didn't like it as much as the one that she had had at Jordan
College. Perhaps it was a matter
of familiarity, or maybe just the people.
Even if they both in Oxford, her two homes seemed worlds away. Funny enough though, she realised, she
didn't miss the lack of freedom she used to have at Jordan College. She wasn't good at following rules,
but somehow exploring didn't have the same appeal it used to. Perhaps being with Roger had been half
the fun, but like not crying, she tried not to think about Roger too much any
more either.
On her desk lay a little globe, which she picked up and examined. In it had a little statue of Iorek in
it, and when she shook it, little gold sparkles, like a mixture of snow and
Dust floated around, swirling among the tiny figures. It had been sent to her from the witches to Jordan College
long ago. She treasured it, as in
her new life she didn't get to travel, and visit, so this was her
reminder of everyone in one.
Sometimes she even thought she could see the shapes of people gone, like
Lee Scorsby floating among the sparkles, but they faded almost as soon as she
saw them. She put the globe back
down on the desk, and looked back out the window. It was dark now.
She picked up her bag and quietly left her room. She crept deftly down the halls,
letting Pan scurry ahead of her to check if the coast was clear. As was common for this time of night,
the halls were empty so they had very little trouble sneaking out of the
building. Once they reached the
street, Lyra bent down, and without a word passed between them, Pan scrambled
up into her arms and she walked on.
~~~
The garden was quiet, except for the noises of animals lurking in the
trees and among the flowers. She looked around, and saw Pan behind her on the
path, his fur bending in the soft breeze.
Sensing her gaze he looked up but said nothing and disappeared into the
bushes lining the path.
She walked along a bit until she reached the bench. She looked at it a minute or two, as if
studying it, checking to see if it was exactly how it should be; exactly how it
had been. Satisfied she walked
over and sat down on it cross-legged. She swung her knapsack of, and with
slightly trembling fingers she pulled out the alethiometer and settled it one
her lap. Like she has done before,
she closed her eyes and steadied her breathing, although her anticipation
seemed to make it sped up and catch in her throat.
Then she slowly let her hands pick up the now cold metal
instrument. As she focused on it,
the whole world seemed to stand still; the breeze died away and so did the
noise. She thought like she had
before, reaching out to the dials, almost forcing them to move by thought, but
peering out she saw that they only spun in meaningless circles. Her eyes watched them, and her mind
struggled to bring any meaning to their pattern, but she couldn't. She sighed in frustration and the hands
stopped moving and all the sounds seemed to come back into the world.
She just couldn't seem to figure out why this wasn't
working. She had been able to do
it, and you can't just completely lose the ability, grace or no. Will had said…
Then she realised; just like Will hadn't been able to use the
knife when thinking about his mother because it was a love he had to do
without, an emotional pain, she couldn't think of Will when she was
trying to read the alethiometer.
Only that was why she wanted to use the alethiometer. She didn't want to know what was
going to happen to anyone else, or where anyone else was, or what anyone else
was doing. She just wanted
Will. Now she let herself
cry. If it meant not thinking
about Will she didn't want to have to spend the rest of her days learning
to read it.
She slipped it back into its pouch and then put it back in her bag. She wouldn't be needing it much
anymore.
Crestfallen she stared into the dark night sky. It looked the same even if this night
was supposed to be the eve of a special day. When her one hope had been dashed, it was hard to be happy. With eyes stinging she lay down and
soon felt the small weight of Pan curling up on her stomach. They lay together; Lyra thinking of
Will and happiness and wishing the two could exist together until she fell
asleep.
~~~
When she awoke, she heard the chirps of birds and the chatter of other
animals as they scurried around the gardens. Slowly she tried to sit up, stretching out the stiffness that
had seeped into her back from lying there. Pan, she noticed, had moved and was now sleeping on the ground
beside the bench but soon, he too was awake. For a moment she worried about having slept too long, but
then she heard bells ring, counting the hour. It was twelve, midday.
Pan scurried up beside her and nuzzled her hand and then dived into the
bush behind the bench.
Then in came to her; it was like Xaphania has said. She would learn to
see Will, just like his father had learned to imagine. Instead of learning the alethiometer,
she would learn how to do that. A
wave of anticipation started to flood back into her.
She lay back down on the small bench and waited. It was right here that they were
allowed to be together.
She closed her eyes and started to try and see the gardens around her,
shinning in the midday sun. Lyra
could hear Pan in the trees behind her, and felt a breeze break the still air
on her cheek and smiled. It was
the first true smile she had had in a while. Heaven was starting here.
