Author's Note
Hey Shadowfam! So this is a continuation after the 3B finale of Shadowhunters (although we still fight to Save Shadowhunters). This story incorporates aspects of the book and show, but picks up after the 3B finale, so beware of spoilers. It will follow the structure of TMI books and the show, so Clary will be the lead character. There will of course still be some Malec, Sizzy, wolves and vamps but the lead is Clary, Jace (Clace story) :). I'm super open to suggestions and feedback so don't be afraid to shoot me a message. Follow me on my Shadowhunters Twitter account Ava62303140
NOTE: This chapt, focuses on Clary's road to becoming a Shadowhunter again, next chapter will leap right into the action! And onwards…
Chapter One: Out of the Shadows
"I'll take a caramel cappuccino and a croissant." Clary said, tucking an annoying strand of hair behind her ear. She turned to consider the confused blond boy beside her. "What was it you wanted again?"
"What's that bitter drink thing you mentioned?" he asked staring curiously at the whirring machines behind the very bewildered barista.
Clary grinned and turned back to address the barista. "Yes, so that's one medium caramel cappuccino, a croissant and a medium black coffee to go."
In less than 8 minutes of Java Jones service, Clary and Jace were out of the cafe and strolling down the bustling streets of Brooklyn. Clary watched Jace sniff strangely at the coffee before carefully placing his lips to the cup and sipping mildly. She struggled to suppress the snort that desperately wanted to escape when he recoiled from the steaming heat of the coffee.
After their encounter in the alley, Clary had slowly begun to remember different aspects of the mysterious and frankly, dangerous, Shadoworld. Once she began having flashbacks, her curiosity overpowered her shock. The only people who seemed to have answers to these strange visions, were the Shadowhunters.
At first she did struggle to remember the vampire Simon Lewis, the daunting Lightwood siblings and the cheery Mr. Lightwood-Bane. She remembered the Institute, the Clave, the Silent Brothers, runes and weaponry. Her ever growing and retrieved knowledge of the Shadoworld seemed to ignite the most vibrant hope and excitement from the blond boy walking beside her. Although he tried to hide it, Jace appeared mildly disappointed when 3 months had passed and she still hadn't recovered memories of her experience in the Shadoworld. Sure, she could remember runes, demons and the Institute, but she failed to remember moments of her personal life as a Shadowhunter.
It was frustrating to hear other people who had supposedly been her closest confidants, recount her impressive stories as a Shadowhunter. Simon spoke of her like a badass warrior who was launched into a new world and fought demons, like some heroine in his video game. Isabelle spoke of Clary with great respect, painting her old self with bravery and selflessness. Jace's memories of her time in the Shadoworld were almost painful. He told her simple stories of her most daring battles with Valentine and Jonathan, a father and brother she didn't know she had, and of intense training and magical rune ceremonies. She felt as if he were leaving out important details, however when she pressed him for more, he merely smiled and told her it wasn't time.
It had been 4, almost 5 months of this routine. Jace would pick her up outside her townhouse, they would grab food and walk through the streets of Brooklyn. Clary felt the strangest feeling whenever she was with Jace. She always felt as if memories were trying to resurface but that feeling was most prominent and urgent when Jace was there. As they walked by the local park, Clary smiled fondly as she sipped her cappuccino. This was where she had her first memory of her time in the Shadoworld. It had been a chilly evening and she was heading over to this secluded spot under the trees. She often met Jace, Simon or Isabelle at this spot for their impromptu hangouts. That day, Jace, Simon, Isabelle, Alec and Magnus were all waiting for her under the trees. Isabelle was scolding Jace and Alec for their food arrangement, while Simon was laughing as Magnus used his warlock magic to blow a gust of wind that knocked over a teenage couple behind a tree, a few yards from them.
"I know, I know, I'm late. Sorry, I had to hand in a piece of work to the Academy." Clary said rubbing her hands together for warmth. "Did you - did you guys set up a picnic?"
Jace blushed visibly and kicked over a water bottle. "It was Isabelle's idea, not mine. She thought eating would somehow make you remember - "
"You asshole," Isabelle snarked. "I said being surrounded by food and good company might help trigger some sense of familiarity. Just because you and Alec don't know how to set up a blanket with food, doesn't mean you have to pin the abysmal presentation on me - "
As the pair continued to bicker, Clary sat down awkwardly next to Magnus. He smiled warmly at her and offered her the sharpest and largest butter knife she'd ever seen. It was nearly as long as her forearm. She raised her eyebrow questioningly, as she took the knife and began slicing the bread.
"Shadowhunters like large knives." he said amusedly as he watched Alec enter the argument, first as mediator, then becoming Isabelle's next victim.
"I've noticed," Clary smiled. She enjoyed Magnus' company. Out of all the people there, Magnus was the only one who didn't ask if she'd remembered anything, every time he saw her. She felt less pressure to remember the Shadoworld and all her experience in it, when she was around him. Clary turned to watch the intensifying argument when she noticed a dark figure stirring in the trees above them. She stood up uncertainly, craning her head to get a better view.
"Watch out!" Clary cried, yanking Jace away as a revolting creature leaped down on the spot where he was just standing. Clary gasped as the demon advanced towards her, not because she was frightened but because a chilling and exhilarating memory had just surged through her mind. It happened so quickly, that in a blink of an eye, she jutted her knife forward and stabbed the demon. It disintegrated before her eyes and she collapsed to her knees in complete and utter shock. She was deaf to the questions being launched at her as random hands began helping her up and guiding her back to the picnic blanket.
"We should all just simmer down and let Clary catch her breath." Magnus said using his magic to push everyone a few inches away from her. Clary exhaled sharply, sending Magnus a grateful look. All eyes were trained intently on her as they waited for her to say something.
"I...remember." Clary said shakily as she hugged her knees to her chest.
"Everything?" "What do you remember?" "Do you remember our comic book?" "What did you see?"
"No." Clary replied to the grass a few feet in front of her. She refused to look up and see the disappointment spread across everyone's faces. "Not everything. I remember that demon I killed with Jace and Isabelle on Halloween. I remember running towards them and shooting something from my hand that finally destroyed it."
A moment of silence passed amongst the group. "That's fucking fantastic Fray." Simon beamed enthusiastically down at her. He plopped himself down beside her and tossed her a bottle of water. "Drink up, you must be drained from all the action. At least we know, that your real memories are slowly returning."
Since that day, memories had begun to trickle back into her mind. There weren't many and they weren't long, but they did give her a better idea of who she was. The most disheartening part, was that she still hadn't remembered anything about her and Jace. Clary recalled some moments with the others but had failed to remember moments with Jace. She wasn't sure if she or Jace was more frustrated by this. Even now, Clary could recognize the passionately deep relationship and bond her old self shared with him. She knew he played an instrumental role in her old life, she just couldn't remember any of it.
"I...I don't mean to pressure you, or rush you in anyway," Jace said awkwardly as they rounded the corner on Bloom Street. "I was just wondering - if you had given any thought to - "
"To doing the procedure with the Silent Brothers?" Clary finished, taking a big painful gulp of her coffee. She had. She had given it many sleepless nights and horrific nightmares.
"Yeah. Yes. That would be it." Jace said trying to regain his composure. He turned to look at her with his golden eyes that always seemed to see right through her. She wished he wouldn't look at her. It would make it so much easier to tell him that she didn't want to do the procedure. A few weeks ago, Isabelle had convinced her to visit the Silent Brothers and consult them about ways to restore her memories. She would be lying if she said she wasn't amazed and intimidated at their interesting appearance and method of communication.
Brother Jeremiah had told her of a complicated procedure that could potentially restore all of her memories, given it was the will of the angels. Or the procedure could be completely unsuccessful and she would be left as she is. Or the procedure could be unsuccessful and take all her progress of remembering the Shadoworld. Her favorite outcome, was the procedure resulting in failure while also taking her "frail mundane life".
"Jace…" she began feeling her voice catch in her throat. "I want to. I really want to do the procedure." They stopped walking as the reached the steps of her townhouse.
"I sense a 'but' coming." Jace said not unkindly as he watched her fidget uncomfortably.
"But, I'm just not sure I'm ready to sacrifice everything for the Shadoworld. I know it's pathetic, because I know your Clary would do it in a heartbeat, but I'm just not ready. I want to get to know you and Simon and the others, but at the cost of my life and my memories again? I'm not ready." she finished weakly. She felt completely ridiculous as she stood before Jace, a half empty cappuccino cup in her hand and tears streaming down her face. Clary grew frustrated and irritated as she waited for Jace to respond. "Well are you going to speak?"
Jace actually gave a small laugh and reached forward, as if he were going to comfort her but caught himself in the last second. She was surprised to find herself slightly disappointed. "You are my Clary and you've already been incredibly courageous. It's foolish to expect you to give up everything for people you've just...met. Please don't feel sorry or guilty for refusing." Jace said assuringly, only succeeding in making Clary cry harder.
"God I'm sorry," Clary said doing her best to look even slightly less disorganized and disgruntled.
"Don't be." Jace said his eyes burning with intensity and desperation. "Will you be alright?"
"I'll survive." Clary smiled weakly, digging inside her purse for her keys.
"Have a good day," Jace said stiffly as he turned to head back to the Institute. Clary turned to watch him leave and surprised herself by calling after him. He turned around equally as shocked and stopped to stare at her.
"Will you tell me a story about us next time? Not a training or a battle, but like...I don't know a date maybe?" Clary asked watching a smile spread across his face. She was moved when his smile sent sparks of joy and happiness through her.
"Our dates were not conventional or mundane." Jace said fondly as he tucked his hands into his pockets. Clary felt a sharp sense of loss inside of her and almost jealousy, because Jace looked so thrilled to be reminiscing his dates with this Clary girl. She really longed to be that Clary.
"Don't say 'it's not time'." Clary said indignantly, moving to reduce the large space between them.
The corner of Jace's mouth twitched and he sighed regretfully. "I don't think I'm ready to retell our love story, just yet. It's a long and complicated and heart wrenchingly beautiful story."
And then he turned and walked briskly back towards the Institute.
It had been a week since her last outing with Jace and one new memories had resurfaced. She had remembered fighting demons in New York City with Alec, Isabelle and Jace. She was unclear on how and what triggered these memories, just that they came on their own terms.
Clary felt excitement and almost giddiness as she waited for Isabelle outside the mall. She felt her heart rate speed up as she spotted the dark haired girl crossing the parking lot.
"I remember feeling that we were close. Very close." Clary said abruptly when Isabelle approached her.
Isabelle looked taken aback before she smiled sadly at her. "We wanted to become parabatai, but we never really got the chance." Clary felt her soaring happiness sink a little when she discovered the reality of the old Clary's parabatai status. "Are you ready to buy out the mall?"
"How are you getting all this mundane money? And how do you know what a mall is?" Clary asked curiously as they entered the first store.
"Shadowhunters get a salary for clothing. We can request to spend it on mundane clothes if we want, it's what most people do. As for the mall, I was practically raised here. How do you think my wardrobe is as well stocked as it is?" Isabelle said happily skipping through the aisles. "As for you my dear, becoming a mundane again has not developed your sense of fashion. It's still plain, simple and virgin like."
"You want me to dress like a slut?" Clary asked confusedly as Isabelle piled a stack of clothing in her arms.
"I want you to dress like the badass woman you are." Isabelle corrected as Clary followed her down the aisles. The badass woman she was, Clary thought.
It must've been at least 45 minutes later before Isabelle was satisfied with the clothes she'd selected and promptly lead the march to the change rooms. Clary watched amusedly as Isabelle's glamourized form managed to sneakily guide Clary around the long line and dart into an empty change room. It must've been at least another 30 minutes of twirling and trying on clothing that were much tighter than she was accustomed to. Isabelle looked overjoyed as she sorted between the clothes to keep and the ones unworthy of being worn.
"I don't think my rent fees will appreciate it if I spend all of my money on clothes." Clary said wearily eyeing the growing pile of 'keep clothes'.
Without turning from her skilled sorting, Isabelle chirped "Don't worry, I brought you a Shadowhunter salary for clothing too. Alec won't be too pleased when he finds out, but as the Head of the New York Institute, I simply can't let a fellow Shadowhunter drown in outdated clothing."
"But I'm not a Shadowhunter." Clary protested, catching her plain appearance in the mirror. She'd seen a picture of her from Magnus and Alec's wedding and she had changed quite a bit. She was paler, her had grown out and she didn't have runes covering her body anymore. Her arms looked skinnier, likely as a result of less training, and her cheeks were hollower.
Isabelle stopped her sorting and turned to look at Clary. She moved to stand right in front of her, blocking her view of herself in the mirror. "You may not remember being a Shadowhunter, but it's always going to be a part of you. The bastardly angels may have taken your angelic power but they can't take your angelic blood. You were born to be a Shadowhunter and even as a mundane there were traces of it in your life - " Isabelle was cut short because Clary had completely launched herself at her and enveloped Isabelle in an unexpected hug. Clary didn't remember everything about her relationship with Isabelle, but she was certain it was not unloyal or unsupportive.
"Let's go make the cashier faint with this pile of clothing. Oh, and Clary? If I go to hell, I'm blaming it on you." she said cheerfully as they made their way to the checkout line.
"Why?" Clary laughed struggling to hold all the clothes in her arms.
"I called the angels 'bastardly' to make you feel better."
3 hours and 12 stores later, Clary and Isabelle were walking down the street on the way to the Institute. It wasn't an easy trek, with all the bags they were carrying. Clary wasn't sure why or how she could see the Institute as she was certainly not a Shadowhunter. When she asked Isabelle, her reply was firm and unwelcoming to further questions; "Being a Shadowhunter isn't something that just disappears. It's a gift, and even angels can't get refunds on those."
Somehow Isabelle had convinced Clary to return to the Institute with her for dinner. She had only been there a few times since she lost her memories and only snippets of it had returned to her at random instances.
"We can drop these off in my room and you can pick them up before you go." Isabelle said as they entered through the massive wooden doors of the church. Clary was surprised to discover that she knew the way to Isabelle's room, without ever being told. She felt a sense of self satisfaction as she walked side by side with her.
After dropping off their bags, Isabelle lead them to the kitchen. "What do we feel like eating? Chinese? Italian? Mexican? I haven't had Thai in a while…" she said thoughtfully opening the fridge door.
Clary perched herself on a stool by the counter after Isabelle firmly rejected her offer to help. She was watching Isabelle flit around the kitchen when the door opened, admitting Alec and Jace. They were laughing about something ridiculous and they were drenched in sweat. They stopped short at the sight of her, pausing their conversation rather suddenly.
"Clary!" Jace exclaimed as a wide grin spread across his face. Clary smiled lightly back, feeling a sense of familiarity and naturalness in this. "I bet Isabelle exhausted you with all the shopping - ".
Before she could reply, she noticed Alec and Isabelle hissing to each other very heatedly.
"And you expect me to just dismiss a thousand dollar withdrawal that had no Shadowhunter's name associated to it?" Alec snapped, aggressively twisting open a bottle of water.
"Clary is a Shadowhunter." Isabelle retorted, slamming ingredients on the counter.
"You very well know what I mean. I have only been inquisitor for a year and I'd like to at least keep the position for a few more decades. And what about you being the head of the Institute? You can't just keep robbing the Clave for your spontaneous shopping sprees." Alec said indignantly. "It's completely irresponsible and inappropriate - "
"I told Isabelle, I'd be fine with paying myself." Clary interrupted, feeling the need to cease the fire that started because of her. "It's really not a big deal."
Alec looked disgruntled as he turned to address her. "No no no, Clary, I'm not opposed to the fact that you are a Shadowhunter. I meant that Isabelle should pay for both of your expenses with her own salary."
"We can discuss this later," Isabelle huffed yanking open the drawer of very sharp and big knives. "If you'll excuse us, I was just about to make Clary and I some Thai food."
"Ooh," Jace said wincing as he sat down next to Clary. "You must have also forgotten Isabelle's creative cooking style. For the sake of your health and digestion, maybe you and Izzy should consider joining Alec and I at Taki's. Izzy you don't object do you?"
"Well I am rather tired from shopping all day, and I have been craving their burgers." Isabelle said regretfully eyeing all the ingredients she had laid out.
In an hour of New York time, the four of them were seated at Taki's diner, gorging on all the food. The first time Clary had eaten here, she was touched to learn that Maia (a very beautiful werewolf who was apparently her friend) had named the burrata salad after her Shadowhunter family name. She's ordered it every time.
The night air was cool and crisp as they strolled down the quiet street. Isabelle and Alec were bickering ahead, as Jace and Clary walked side by side.
"Is it strange?" Clary asked staring straight ahead. "To see a stranger wear the face of the woman you loved?"
Upon seeing Jace's astonished face, Clary immediately regretted asking. "I'm sorry that was insensitive of me and completely intrusive. Just - forget I asked - " she said panicked.
"No, it's alright." Jace said quietly. "I won't lie to you, it is strange. It's only strange because when I look at you, I expect to see you staring back. You're not a stranger wearing her face, you are Clary Fairchild. You're just...Clary Fray right now."
Clary considered this as they continued down the street. Fray, Fairchild, Clarissa, Clary, mundane or Shadowhunter, it was all completely disorienting.
"Jace look to your left." Alec said suddenly. He and Isabelle had stopped and retreated to stand in front of Clary, their hidden weapons suddenly exposed and ready.
Jace tensed himself as he skillfully drew his seraph blade. He slid a large dagger into the palm of her hand. It felt foreign but familiar in her small hand. "Just in case." he whispered. "Stay back-"
Before he had a chance to finish his sentence, a group of revolting figures emerged from the shadows and sped towards them. Their clawed hands shone in the moonlight, as their formless, liquid like legs carried them forwards. The most disturbing part, were the streaks of fire that exploded from their eyes. Alec shot several arrows, that killed one and wounded two others.
Clary watched with awe as Isabelle's whip entangled itself around the largest of the group and effectively knocked it off its feet. Jace stood squarely in front of Clary, stabbing a demon wherever he could reach before finally deliver the fatal blow to its neck.
Another demon had snuck up on their right, bolting straight towards them. Clary raised her dagger and deflected the bolt of fire that was aimed at her face. Jace expertly flipped so that he was behind the demon and sliced across the back of its liquid legs. The demon roared with rage, grabbing Jace with its claws and slamming him into the ground.
A hand suddenly gripped Clary by the arms and hoisted her into the air. An arrow struck the creature square in the chest, but only succeeded in irritating it and loosening its grip on her. Clary watched Alec nock another arrow before his back was singed by another demon's fire.
Clary didn't understand her actions in the next few moments, but her body seemed to move from its own knowledge and will. She thrust her dagger into the underside of the demon's jaw, which forced him to drop her. Clary landed flat on her feet and dodged the demon's bolt of fire. She ducked its claw fisted swing and she drove the dagger sharply into its chest. The demon disintegrated in front of her, but there was another one attempting to knock her over. Clary was stunned by her own reflexes as she evaded the demon's claws, chopping off its hand before jumping onto its back. She dug her dagger into the eye sockets of the demon, falling to the ground as the demon collapsed and died. Heaving for air, her blood singing with adrenaline, she gazed up and saw the three of them staring at her with broad smiles.
"That's my girl." Jace laughed helping her up from the kneeling position she landed in.
"That's my parabatai to be. I taught her everything she knows." Isabelle said proudly, winking at her.
"I don't know…" Clary started still dazed with shock and a high she'd never felt before. "I have no clue what I just did but somehow by body did."
"Shadowhunter fighting instincts," Isabelle beamed. "This just proves my point. Once a Shadowhunter, always a Shadowhunter."
Since she remembered Jace's name outside of the gallery, she had been troubled by confusing dreams of beautiful angels, dark demon-like beings and a red haired boy with the sharpest cheekbones and facial features she'd ever seen. His eyes were a crisp and gentle shade of green, always staring at her with seriousness and intensity. A pair of brilliant white wings extended from his back. The boy would stand across from her on a busy street in New York. The New Yorkers would be oblivious to their interaction as the boy called out to her. He always said the same thing to her and she never had a chance to respond before she woke. "Don't be afraid to fall." he said.
After a restless night filled with dreams of the red haired boy with wings, Clary handed in another painting to the Academy. This painting had a dark and somber tone and color scheme, outlined with sharp strokes of blood red. The gallery consultant was impressed and slightly disturbed by the dark painting, but accepted it nonetheless.
"Ready Fray?" Simon asked waving at her from the bench outside the gallery. He stood and joined her stride as they walked towards the Institute. "So remember that comic book I told you about? It's blowing up everywhere in the mundane world, it's so crazy Fray. They even want me to do book signings, panel discussions and photo ops."
"That's great Simon, it looked amazing the last time I saw the preview." Clary smiled. "I bet you're excited."
He turned to look at her incredulously. "Oh, I don't plan on attending any of that media crap. Not without my best friend and co-writer/artist."
"I hope you're not referring to me." Clary said feeling an indescribably acute ache in her heart.
"Who else could I possibly be referring to?" he asked shooting her a side grin.
Clary wasn't sure where her anger and frustration came from but she felt it erupt without her permission. "What makes you, all of you Shadowhunter people, so confident that your Clary is just going to suddenly appear? Have any of you ever considered that maybe she's gone and all you have left is me. The girl wearing her face but not her mind and memories. I swear it's like you all feel that by spending time with you, my memories will magically reappear and we'll all reunite and live happily ever after. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you that sometimes, happily ever after just doesn't exist."
Simon was silent throughout her angry outburst, making her even more regretful and stressed. Yet he didn't appear surprised or upset.
"I guess I can see how we've all been pushing you. Maybe a little too hard. For that, I am sorry." Simon said genuinely. "I think we're all just so desperate to get you back that it's overtaking our reason. Believe it or not, this is the third time we've lost you in like 2 years. We thought you were dead, then you became all evil Fray and then you lost your memories. You are Clary, there's no separate versions of you, the real Clary is just lost right now. I understand how new and overwhelming this must all feel, but come on Fray, somewhere deep inside you can't tell me you don't feel that familiarness. When you fought those demons or when you're in the Institute, you can't tell me it doesn't feel right?"
They had just reached the Institute. Clary stopped at the large wooden doors and stared at it. She could leave. She could run and ignore the Shadoworld that her old self was supposedly involved in, and live her own life. Clary had no reason or obligation to the Shadowhunters to continue spending time with them, in hopes of regaining her memories. However, Clary couldn't deny that she did have an obligation to herself, to at least try and discover more about her identity.
"Let's go in." Clary said steadily to Simon. But on the inside her nerves and blood were burning with fear and uncertainty.
They were greeted by Isabelle who gave her a tour of the Institute and told her some stories in each place. Apparently, in the training room she was possessed by her darker side because of her connection to her supposedly very evil demon brother, and she beat the crap out of another Shadowhunter, who was also the daughter of a very important person in the Clave. Clary was completely dumbfounded and even wondered if Isabelle was joking.
They reached a closed door in one of the side corridors. Isabelle stepped back and motioned for her to open it. "This is your room. I'll let you take a peak on your own."
Clary felt unusually nervous as she gripped the knob of the door and turned. She timidly entered the room and was greeted by a streak of light from the setting sun that shone in from the large windows. The room was lofty and messy. Messier than she thought it would be. Boxes were left drawn out, they appeared to have been rummaged through. Her bed was neatly made, no indication of having been slept in recently. Her closet was rather empty but her desk was cluttered with scraps of paper and charcoal pencils. Easels were propped up in every corner, presenting bold and expressive artwork.
Clary couldn't deny the liking or respect she felt for her old-self. The room seemed to reflect characteristics of the Shadowhunter Clary. Messy and disorganized, but there was something beautiful and artistic about the chaos. Her - my - artwork also suggested that Shadowhunter Clary was passionate and daring in her artistic technique. Clary was drawn to the sketch book that lay open on the desk. She was entranced by a sketch of a boy in a burning tower. She flipped through the sketch book and stopped when she reached a newer sketch. She could tell it was newer, by the freshness of the pencil strokes and pastel colors, and the crispness of the paper.
It was an image of a tall blond haired boy and a dark red headed girl, walking hand in hand in front of the Eiffel Tower. The sun was setting behind the tower, and the sky was splattered with brilliant shades of pink, gold and orange. The boy and the girl were walking towards the tower. Upon closer examination, the boy was holding a seraph blade and the girl was holding a dagger. Clary couldn't help but admire the Shadowhunter Clary's attention to detail and expressiveness. Even as a stranger revisiting something she previously drew but didn't remember, she could feel the blazing love and trust between the two Shadowhunters. She felt a sudden longing somewhere deep within her soul that seemed to verberate with scathing intensity. It was as if her soul was yearning for something, she couldn't understand.
Clary nearly dropped the sketch book when she heard a sharp rap at the door. "Come in," she said awkwardly. Jace stepped into the room donned in gray sweats and a plain white shirt. His hair was cleanly washed and swept effortlessly to the side. It annoyed her to see his careless perfection and beauty.
"Hey," Jace said clasping his hands behind his back. "Isabelle told me you were in your room."
Clary refrained from stating that it wasn't really her room. "Yeah, she told me I could have a look, see if anything came to mind."
"Did anything come to mind?" Jace asked casually. Clary didn't fail to notice the hint of hope in his voice when he asked the question.
"Unfortunately, not." she said, gazing out the window so as to avoid watching the pain flicker briefly but noticeably across his eyes.
"Nobody said it would be easy," he said in a surprisingly gentle tone. "You've already come so far."
Clary didn't know what broke inside of her, but she felt the pain, pressure and stress she'd been repressing for the past few months collapse, as tears came rushing out. She stifled her sob and turned away from Jace, completely mortified to appear so weak and frail in front of him again.
"Clary?" Jace said, sounding very concerned and panicked. "Did I say something? Are you alright?"
She couldn't even bring herself to answer as she leaned over the desk, gripping the edge very tightly as she tried to stop the steady flow of tears. It was difficult to comprehend that she had a gifted and supernatural life before this, filled with heroic battles, thrilling adventures and mystical creatures. It was even more challenging to realize that she may never fully know that life again, or the people in it. Yet, perhaps the most agonizing part, was knowing she could never be that Clary, ever again.
"I'm sorry - " Clary gasped, "I just feel this immense loss inside of me. It's like there's this gaping hole inside of me that I can't locate or understand. It's like something was ripped out of me and I can't close the wound no matter what I try, or remember, or do. I am not your Clary, I'm really sorry, I wish I was, but I don't know if I'll ever be the same." she finished lamely. Clary still refused to look at him, choosing rather to look up towards the ceiling.
She stilled at the touch of his hand on her back. Her chest was bursting with pain and unspoken emotions that her brain couldn't process. He slowly turned her stiff body so that she was facing him. Clary was staring fixedly at the necklace he wore around his neck when his knuckle lightly nudged her chin. She reluctantly turned to look at him and was entranced by his smoldering golden eyes.
"I know you don't remember it, but I'll tell you a story of us. We were dancing at Magnus and Alec's wedding. You wore a stunning red dress that completely stole the show from the couple. For me at least. Right before you left the Shadoworld, you told me something. You said 'Jace, no matter what, my love for you will never die.' And you know what? I believe that. I didn't when I first realized you were mundane, but when you said my name, in that alley, for the first time in a year, I was able to breathe. Now I believe it so strongly, I have complete faith in you regaining your memories. You're always going to be Clary, even if you don't remember it. The angles may have taken away your memories, but they can't shatter your will, your values or even your determination. And that is what makes me so confident in you." Jace said softly. His hand had found its way to her cheek, and she felt a small part of the gaping hole mend itself, just a fraction from hearing his genuine words of comfort.
"I know you believe that but I'm not sure I do." she said before she could stop herself. Clary saw his jaw twitch and eyes flicker with pain, subtle indications of his torment, that were gone in an instant.
"You don't have to. I'll believe enough for the both of us." he replied, touching their foreheads together. God why did he have to be so honest and pure and eloquent? She looked up at his blazing eyes and felt the heat projecting from them, or maybe it was his body, because she had suddenly realized how close together they were standing. He was close enough that the sides of their noses were touching.
"I'm sorry - " she said breathlessly, moving to the other side of the room. "God, I'm such a mess. Was there something you needed when you came?"
Jace was staring after her, his eyes fixated on hers. His hands fell to his side and he blinked quickly before picking up a sketchbook from the desk.
"You left this in my room...the last time you were - " he said, shifting between feet uncomfortably. He seemed to be struggling to identify the appropriate word. " - there. I thought I'd give it to you to help freshen your mind." he extended his arm to offer it to her.
She moved closer and received it, without breaking eye contact with him. "Thank you. I also have something for you."
Clary moved to pick up the other sketch book she had been looking at. She showed him the picture she was fascinated with. "I don't know if you've seen it, but I was completely intrigued by its beauty and intricacy. I thought you should have it."
Clary was taken aback when she saw his features soften as he stared down at the picture, tracing his thumb lightly over the two people. He seemed transfixed by the drawing and she wondered if this was something he and Shadowhunter Clary had dreamed about.
"Thank you." he said sincerely. "Have a good night."
She nodded and he turned to head towards the door, holding the sketchbook protectively in the crook of his elbow.
After a long, scorchingly satisfying shower to wash off some stress and anxiety, Clary crawled into bed and pulled out the sketchbook that Jace had given her. She opened the sketchbook and began flipping through the artwork. Once again, she found herself very impressed with Shadowhunter Clary - her - work. Each piece was carefully illustrated, with undeniable passion and expressive techniques. There were sketches of the exterior of the Institute, a grand city she'd never seen before, a colorful forest, a crystal clear lake and boys with white/black angel wings. She paused at a sketch of Jace. Clary was awed by the precise details and the wonderful representation of his facial structure.
There was no warning when something inside her came alive, whirring and leaping, soaring and screaming. She couldn't stop admiring the incredible sketch that seemed to capture Jace's true beauty. Her heart was pumping wildly in her chest and she felt every nerve ending in her body catch fire. She saw herself leaning against the headboard, sketchbook propped against her bent knees and pencil poised over the paper. Something inside of her was waking and begging for freedom, Clary felt short of breath as her mind prickled with the strangest sensation. Jace was snoring lightly, his arm carelessly thrown across his chest, his hair flopped messily to the side. His chest was rising steadily with each breath. Clary smiled to herself as she added the final few strokes to her sketch. Something inside her mind unlocked and the flood came storming out. Satisfied with her sketch, she tossed the book onto the bedside table and crawled back into bed, leaning her head on Jace's chest. Clary was transported back into the scenes from the other night. Jace's hand inching up her thigh. His lips crushing hers. The kisses that pleased their insatiable hunger, the touches that inspired the desire for more, and the love that burned hotter than falling stars.
Clary stood up in shock and gasped for air. Her first real memory. This wasn't just a moment in her Shadowhunter life about training, battles and fighting. This was a real and pure memory. And it was about Jace. This, was exactly what she needed.
Clary grabbed the sketchbook and a hoodie before sprinting outside into the dark night. Her luck ended when she realized it was thundering and raining outside. She cussed before tucking the sketchbook into the hoodie, in order to protect it, and dashing towards the Institute. It was not a pleasant or short journey either. Her lungs were burning, her arm was sore from clutching the sketchbook tightly and she was totally drenched. But it was impossible for her to stop now.
She finally reached the Institute and tried to open the door. She was surprised to discover it granted her admission and she quietly entered the building. There were a few Shadowhunters roaming the halls, checking monitors and switching duty. Clary prefered not to be questioned so she hid in the shadows before finding the corridor for the main bedrooms.
She wasn't sure which room belonged to Jace, so she knocked on the first door, hoping to obtain directions from the tenant who would likely be very displeased, given that it was nearly 2:00 in the morning. Clary was very aware of what a disaster she looked like. Perhaps even a bit insane. But she had more pressing matters.
The door opened and a gruff voice replied with annoyance. "What do you need? Underhill is rather occupied at the moment."
Clary blushed, feeling incredibly stupid. "Sorry to bother you at this hour. Could you please direct me in the direction of Jace's room?"
The man raised his eyebrows suggestively. "You look quite wet enough to me."
Clary stifled an exasperated sigh and stopped herself from rolling her eyes. "Jace's room please?" She was growing impatient. She had to see Jace, even if it was 2:00 in the morning.
The man smirked and flicked his hand sending a series of blue flames of fire that began a trail leading further down the corridor. After quickly thanking the man, she hurried off to follow the flames and finally reached the end of the trail. Clary's desperation overpowered her reason and she rapped on the door sharply. When there was no reply, Clary banged her fist on the door several times before it suddenly struck air.
"By the angel...who the fuck is interrupting my sleep at this mother fu - Clary?" Jace said his eyes widening with shock. "By the angel are you alright? Did you walk here in the storm? God you're even more reckless than before." he dragged her inside the room and tried to usher her into a chair.
"I need to show you something - " Clary said trying to unwrap the sketchbook which had surprisingly remained dry in the hoodie.
"Put this on." Jace said, as he tossed her a dark red quarter zip sweater and black jeans. "I'll turn around."
He really didn't have to, given he'd seen everything already. Clary was incredibly eager to skip the politeness and hospitality, yet she saw he was unmoving. "This looks rather small to be yours." Clary said impatiently yanking off her wet shirt.
"They were yours…" Jace said still facing the opposite wall. He was shirtless and his sweats hung low on his hips. Clary averted her eyes, blushing inadvertently. "Most of your clothes somehow managed to end up in my closet…" he said uncomfortably.
Clary was unable to contain it any longer. "I remember." she said watching the muscles of his back tense. He turned slowly to face her and she moved forward to show him the picture.
"I remember our first time. I was looking at the sketchbook you gave me and I saw this sketch I did of you and suddenly I remembered our first time. Jace this is the first real memory I have of you and of the Shadoworld. It was so detailed and perfect and God something just clicked inside of me. I've wasted too much time debating whether or not I wanted to be a part of the Shadoworld. Not only did that sketch of you trigger this perfect memory of us, but it sparked something back to life inside of me. Jace - " Clary said struggling to get all her words out. She had so much she wanted to say and she couldn't seem to be able to say them fast enough. Jace's hand found its way to her cheek again and she felt that it was exactly where it was supposed to be. His eyes were trained on her, waiting for her to explain herself in this half crazed and disastrous state.
"Jace I need to see the Silent Brothers. Now." Clary said breathlessly.
Jace stared at her with bewilderment before beaming and crushing her against his chest. She wrapped her arms around him and inhaled the familiar scent of him. It was so simple then. The sketch of Jace, reminded her of their first time and their undying love. This love was something that she had fought for in another life, and was something she had to fight for now.
"Clarrisa Fairchild. Do you accept that this procedure is physically, mentally and emotionally draining?" Brother Jeremiah asked.
Clary wore a white hospital gown, spotted with blue dots. She stood before a circle of Silent Brothers, Jace holding her hand as they stood in the centre. His hand in hers was the only reason she needed to be there. It was also the only thing keeping her in the room instead of bolting from the premises.
"Yes."
"Do you accept that your potential for retaining, seeing and remembering aspects of the Shadoworld makes you an ideal candidate for the procedure, however it does not guarantee success?"
"Yes."
"Do you understand that this procedure will only be successful if it is the will of the angels?"
"Yes."
"Do you understand that this procedure has 4 different outcomes. You may receive all your memories of the Shadoworld back, given it is the angels' will. The procedure may also result in failure and leave you in your current position. Or the procedure may result in failure and decimate any progress you've made since the angels removed your memories. The procedure may also result in death, if your mundane body is not strong enough to withstand the process."
"Yes."
"Clarissa Fairchild, we ask you one final time. Are you fully willing and consensual of this procedure, knowing the possible outcomes and risk factors?"
Clary felt her breath catch but she also felt Jace's hand in hers, reminding her why she was there. Clary also felt an obligation to her real identity press her to say, "Yes."
"Then we will proceed as soon as you are ready." the Silent Brothers shuffled into the chamber next to this room.
Clary turned to Jace, feeling panic ignite inside of her. He seemed to realize this too and he pulled her close to him.
"Are you sure that this is what you want? Don't do this for me." he said shaking his head at her questioning glace. "Do this for you. Only if you truly believe you want to live life as a Shadowhunter again. Clary, if you decide right now that you would rather live life as a mundane, away from the chaos and the danger, I wouldn't stop you." these last few words seemed to be difficult for him. Clary felt tears rise and she shook her head at Jace.
"Why are you saying this?" she asked gripping his arms tightly, clinging onto him for sanity.
"Clary, please. If this isn't what you want - if you'd be happier in another life - I would find a way to be happy too." he said softly. Each word seemed to cause him a great deal of strain, but his voice was genuine and honest. She didn't doubt that he would let her go if she wanted to.
"I may not remember everything about us," Clary said, finding herself lost again in his penetrating gaze. "But I remember enough to know that you and I - we're worth fighting for. And I'm not just doing this for us. I don't think I would ever be able to live a peaceful life, knowing that I was hiding from another world. I don't want to regret leaving the Shadoworld, or not trying to be a part of it. And now Jace Herondale, please kiss me."
Jace laughed, running his hands through her still damp curls. "That's a bold request." he said gazing down at her.
"I don't want to die without remembering how it felt to kiss you. Really, truly, kiss you - "
The part of her soul, that had been weeping and mourning for so long finally felt free. His lips moved softly, tenderly over hers. Clary knew Jace was also feeling that elation and the indescribable freeing joy that was coursing through her veins.
She broke away, breathing heavily. If she didn't stop now, she most definitely would never leave. "If the outcome is - "
"Don't say goodbye," Jace said his voice strained. "I can't - I refuse to hear you say goodbye again. Luke, Maryse, Simon, Isabelle, Magnus, Alec and I will all be waiting for you when you wake up."
Clary smiled lightly, trying to memorize every inch of him, before she pulled herself away from his arms and turned to enter the chamber.
Author's Note
Thanks so much for sticking around! I hope you enjoyed this chap. I've had the storyline for this story in my head for so long, it feels great to get it all down on paper.
IK this chap. was a little less action and Shadowhunter fighting/plot stuff but I promise by next chap. we'll see some plot development.
Stay tuned Shadowfam !
*Please lemme know your thoughts on the first chapter!