Author's Note: For this one, I completely lay the blame on Artemis Arcturus, who left me a voicemail like this in Lucius Malfoy's voice. This is humor, and not to be taken seriously! I do not own Harry Potter, or any recognizable characters, locations, etc. They all belong to JK Rowling.

I forgot to do this on my last post, but I remembered this time. Thanks to Bittersweet x for you review for Vernon's Guide to Good Living. Glad you like it! To HoVis: Thank you for reviewing Unwilling Taste Testers. Glad some Malfoy humor could make your day. It sometimes makes mine to write a crazy Lucius. To T: I also find it hard to believe that the Malfoys would not have another house elf besides Dobby, but the opportunity was too good to pass up. Glad you liked this and was entertained with it.

To All Other Reviewers: If I failed to respond to your reviews, I apologize. My account went a little whacky and erased everything in my outbox so I do not know if I responded to reviews or not. So sorry. If you are among one of those that I did not respond to: Thanks for reviewing any of my stories that you read! Reviews make my day, and I get very excited. So thank you for leaving a little blurb about how you found my one-shots. You are all awesome!

This takes place in the timeline of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, but at this time, Lucius has not been arrested, sent to Azkaban, and he is still a member of the Board of Governors.

Lucius's Secret Mission

Lucius Malfoy was not a vicious man, really, but when he'd heard of a giant spider living free in the Forbidden Forest he was motivated into action. Being a member of the Board of Governors had its advantages. You were allowed to wander onto the Hogwarts Grounds when you felt there was something suspicious going on. Getting into the actual castle required a bit more permission – particularly from that fool Dumbledore.

However, Lucius's goal was not the castle…it was the Forbidden Forest. He did not forget when his son was a first year and was forced to serve detention with that bumbling half-giant oaf, Hagrid! There's a reason why it's the Forbidden Forest! There were things in it, that the students should never have to come across! Draco had told his father all about what he'd seen – and heard that others had seen – in there. He'd even mentioned some of the things that Saint Harry Potter had seen in his seemingly frequent jaunts in there. The one that concerned Lucius the most? That giant spider! That thing needed to be caught and killed!

And here he was, slowly walking through this dark and creepy forest for the third night in a row trying to find this giant spider that Draco had mentioned. "Most likely one of that savage's pets!" he mumbled to himself.

He saw a boxy shape in the pre-dawn mist up ahead. 'Hmm,' Lucius thought. 'Could this be a shack or something to keep the beast in?' The blonde aristocrat silently crept closer with his wand raised and ready for attack. He found that this shape was in fact a beaten up, nearly collapsed building of some kind. There was a door at least.

Keeping a huge distance of at least Hagrid's height away from the door, Lucius whispered, "Alohamora!" and the door opened to reveal darkness. Lucius did not dare to enchant the Lumos Charm. What better way to completely announce your presence to a creature on whom you were trying to sneak than with a bright white light? No, Lucius kept as much to the shadows as possible as he approached the door.

After he'd entered the tiny building, a strong gust of wind picking up and slammed the door shut behind him. Lucius held his breath. 'Now, I'm trapped in here with a potentially lethal giant spider!' he thought. 'Wait! Wait! What if I call it and pretend to be a friend? What did Draco say the thing's name was? Amycus? No, no, I know Amycus! Arigas? No. Arigag? No, but something close to that!' Lucius thought for another few moments in the darkness. Then, it hit him! 'Aragog!' That was it!

"Aragog?" Lucius called out in a strangely sweet-for-a-Malfoy voice. He heard something shift in the room and whipped around to face it. As tempted as he was to light up the room with a simple Lumos Charm, he resisted. "Aragog?" he tried again, in a firmer voice hoping that he would respond to a little authority instead of a cutesy voice.

Apparently this was wrong!

Lucius was suddenly on the floor! He heard scratching sounds from all around him and he realized that he was pinned down by a giant spider! He felt the spit of the creature taint his hair and he began to fidget madly! When he felt the spider hold down his legs Lucius began to struggle fiercely. He shouted out, "Lumos!" and instantly regretted it! Then, the little building began to sound with the man's screams. In front of him was truly a terrifying vision! Lucius bucked and screamed and kicked and desperately tried to search his mind for a curse to get this gigantic creature off of him! The only thing he thought of was, "Serpensortia!" A snake burst from his wand and wound itself around the spider's neck, the impact of the serpent landing on the spider sending it from Lucius.

Lucius scrambled to his feet and ran from the little building in the Forbidden Forest. He knew the snake would do the job. Or at least he hoped it would. Lucius, with trembling fingers, removed a little common object from his coat and said, "Malfoy Manor!" and he disappeared from the Forbidden Forest as he was in mid-run.

X~X~X~X~X

Draco Malfoy was sitting in the Great Hall during lunch when his owl flew into the giant room and directly to him, leaving a rather clumsily folded letter in front of him. Draco picked it up curiously. Surely no one in his family would have allowed this shameful-looking letter to go flying all over Britain! Either way, he opened it. He recognized his father's distinct handwriting right away. What he saw written, however, concerned him.

Dear Draco,

I am going to hunt DOWN and KILL Aragog! I'm…going to…approach it slowly, very slowly…and then I'm going to whisper the words…AVADA KEDAVRA because…I was just attacked by one of his minions…again…and…I was screaming in the room! I was terrified!!! Because this - you know - you must understand that when I tell you that this was not your ordinary spider…it was…it was…a HYBRID creature of terrible proportions…I - I can only say that it was like something of a mix between a centipede…a spider…and…

Then, the letter cut off! Draco began to get nervous! Was his father alright? He had to have made it away in order to write this letter! Draco wondered if he should use the vanishing cabinet in the Room of Requirement to go to Knockturn Alley and then make a very quick visit home. It was possible. He just needed to find the time to sneak away.

Then, he thought of the consequences of what would possibly happen if he failed at his mission for the Dark Lord. He remembered his father telling him a long time ago. "Anyone who failed and disappointed him would not only be Crucio'd, but would be forced to live up to our new name and eat death!" Draco shuddered. Best to not risk using the Vanishing Cabinet for travel until the already agreed upon time. With worry, Draco tucked his father's unfinished letter away, hoping that he'd escaped the spiders.

X~X~X~X~X

Lucius left the Forbidden Forest the next night with a triumphant grin on his face. His wand was pointed behind him as he strode from the forest with the huge body of a dead, curled-into-itself spider floating behind him. He walked close to the hut belonging to Hagrid and lowered the spider to the ground. He smiled again, half wishing he could be here to see the half-giant blubber and weep over the dead giant spider! But, his mission was completed, and it was enough for Lucius.

He pulled out the small object he'd used last night and said, "Malfoy Manor." Lucius disappeared leaving the corpse of Aragog behind where Hagrid would see it.

The next morning, Lucius sent a note to his son with only two words on it. It made Draco smile.

"Mission Accomplished."

Hope you all enjoyed it. I had a good time writing it. Thanks for reading! Please review! I would really appreciate it, because they totally make my day! Thanks!