Props to manonthe3up for inspiring this. (I originally was considering a TF cross, but this works better IMO) Setting is post Season 5 for RvB assuming the "everything goes back to normal ending" and ignoring reconstruction more or less. (So don't tell me about how Church is really an AI and shit.) I really have no plan beyond "hey that could be funny!" so if you have ideas (on the off chance anyone reads this crap) feel free to toss them out.

Chapter 1: New Location, Same old bullshit…

"Alright men now I'm sure you're all wondering what I called you here for!" Sarge announced jubilantly to his team who he'd had assembled atop their base.

"Not really, can I go back to bed?" Grif replied bored already.

"Denied!" Sarge shot back. "You have an important role to play in these preceding!"

"Why do I get the feeling of impending doom, does anyone else feel impending doom?" Grif questioned wearily.

"Of course you feel impending doom. He's going to test it on you." Simmons replied dismissively, it being the ramshackle device before them. "So umm what exactly is it sir?" He asked looking over at the machine which appeared to have been crudely cobbled together mostly from the remains of several destroyed Warthogs among other miscellaneous trash lying around the base.

"I'm glad you asked Simmons! This is what is going to win us the war!" Sarge crowed confidently.

"Oh yeah cause I've never heard that before." Grif noted sarcastically.

"That's great sir, but you still haven't' said what it is?" Simmons's noted impatiently.

"Ah yes well quite simply its matter translocation device!" He announced proudly.

"So it's teleporter?" Donut asked mildly confused.

"Well I suppose that would be what a laymen might call it." Sarge conceded grudgingly.

"Didn't we have one of those, and aren't we still 'fighting'?" Grif noted pointedly.

"This one's different!" Sarge responded proudly patting the side of the contraption.

"Yeah you built it, so instead of just turning us black and horribly burning us while going nowhere useful it'll probably scatter our dismembered body parts all over this damned canyon." Grif shot back sarcastically.

"We can only hope since you'll be the first to test it!" He informed him enthusiastically.

"Can't we just like send some rocks through it something?" Grif countered miserably.

"We need to ascertain its effect on living matter first!" Sarge responded as if this should be patently obvious.

"Actually shouldn't we see what it does to inani- You know what? Why even waste my breath." He sighed in defeat.

"Good to see you're ready to do something useful to the team for once!" Sarge noted approvingly. "Now let's fire this bad boy up! Lopez!"

[I've been telling you for the last three days this device is unstable.]

"Enough chit-chat Lopez! We can discuss improvements later!"

[Activating this could result in disaster.]

"Losing Grif is hardly a major set back." Sarge replied dismissively.

[The death of the lazy orange idiot is the least of the possible catastrophic outcomes.]

"Don't make me break out my overrides." Sarge was growing increasingly grumpy at the delay.

[Fine, kill yourself; I shall enjoy your last agonizing moments before I embrace sweet oblivion.]

The recently rebuilt robot turned back to the controls and reluctantly twisted several knobs and flicked several switches. At first nothing seemed to be happening much to Sarge's growing irritation and the rest of the team's relief. Finally after about a minute he approached the device and used his trusty shotgun to deliver a smash to the side of the machine. The entire device suddenly buzzed to life with a loud and growing hum. It vibrated furiously and electricity could be seen arcing between several components.

"You're sure this is safe?" Simmons asked more than a little concerned as the noise increased and several loud bangs sounded in rapid succession as other parts of the machine began venting steam.

"Absolutely! Well for us anyway…" Sarge reassured him when suddenly a much louder bang was heard and fire could suddenly be seen on part of the machine.

"Is it supposed to burn like that?!" Simmons asked panicked.

"Not that specific part of it no." Sarge himself remained largely unfazed.

"Is it supposed to glow ominously like that?!" Grif asked as an increasingly intense white glow began to spill from various seams in the machine.

"I don't recall that being in the plans…" Sarge replied thoughtfully.

"Sarge, permission to run around and scream like a little girl?" Donut asked as the device continued to belch, smoke, and shine with increasing intensity apparently in some sort of runaway state.

"Granted!"

"Aiiiieeee---"

Suddenly the machine imploded and everything went white.

"Hey we're not dead!" Donut announced happily as the light suddenly vanished. The machine was smoldering ruin, but other then that everything and everyone seemed intact and undamaged.

"Wow a failed invention that only destroyed itself, that's a nice change of pace." Grif noted appreciatively.

"All that planning and work! Gone in a flash and it didn't even take Grif with it!" Sarge moaned in despair at the loss of his device.

[What planning and work? You just ordered me to build it based on a set of half finished blue prints.] Lopez was less then impressed with this remark.

"Well don't worry sir I'm sure you'll think of other ways to ridiculously endanger my life soon enough." Grif's consolation was less then sincere.

"Oh you're just saying that…" He mumbled morosely.

"Umm guys, do any of you remember that mountain being there a minute ago?" Simmons suddenly cut in drawing the group's attention skyward.

Sure enough looming some distance outside the confines of the familiar box canyon stood a snow capped mountain. That in itself might not be so odd aside from the fact it simply had not been present mere minutes before. This sudden revelation silenced the group as they all paused to ponder its implications.

"Well there's only one thing to do!" Sarge announced boldly after a few moments thought.

"This sucks!" Grif shouted irritably.

"Shut up and climb faster slacker! That rope won't get itself to the top of the canyon you know!" Sarge shouted back at his subordinate as he tried to pick his way up the towering cliff face dragging a rope.

"Shouldn't I have like a safety line when rock climbing or something?!" Grif protested pitifully as he clung precariously from the near vertical rock face.

"Nonsense how can we have a safety rope without someone climbing up first!" Sarge scoffed.

"Actually Sir there are ways to do it as you clim—" Donut began informatively.

"Shut up Donut I don't want to be distracted when he falls to his death." Sarge cut him off uninterested as he watched his progress with a sniper rifle.

"Why would you know about rock climbing anyway?" Simmons asked Donut curious.

"Oh well I don't really, but I do know something about rope and knots!" He replied cheerfully.

"You know what forget I asked." Simmons shuddered.

"Damn it why isn't he plummeting to his doom?!" Sarge was growing increasingly annoyed as Grif neared the top of the cliff and had yet to fall to a gruesome death.

"Well Grif can be surprisingly capable when faced with the prospect of certain death as his only alternative." Simmons noted.

"Damn he got to the top." Sarge noted disappointed.

"Haha! Whose the man?" Grif boasted triumphantly from the top feeling more then a bit full of himself.

*POW*

"Oww! What the hell!?" He shouted as a bullet bounced off his shields.

"Finger Slipped!" Sarge shouted back.

*POW*

"Slipped again!"

"Stop trying to kill me asshole!" Grif cursed ducking back behind the edge of the cliff.

"Sir, I know how much you like shooting Grif, and believe me we all enjoy it, but maybe we should get on with our mission?" Simmons suggested as inoffensively as possible.

"Well I suppose you have a point Simmons." He agreed grudgingly. "Besides I can't get a clear shot at him now anyway." He added off hand as he lowered his rifle.

It didn't take the rest of the team too long to ascend the cliff with the aid of the rope Grif had laid for them and they soon gathered around at the top. They found the terrain clear along the rim of the canyon, but it quickly turned into a thick temperate forest about a hundred meters from the edge. This impenetrable wall of trees prevented any real information from being gleaned about the surrounding area. It was painfully obvious that if they wanted to find anything out they'd have to enter the woods…

"Now remember men this is unexplored territory discovered following a bizarre and improbable accident! As such these woods could be crawling with all manner of monstrous killing machines with a taste for human flesh!" Sarge announced with little idea how accurate that assessment actually was despite its insanity.

"You know what suddenly spending the rest of my life in that box canyon doesn't seem so bad, why don't we just forget about this and head on back…" Grif suggested turning back toward the rope.

"No chance buttercup!" Sarge stopped him in his tracks. "Along with the killing machines there's a high chance of there being unknown alien artifacts of great power, if the blues get there hands on them they could alter the whole balance of power! Grif you take point, if anything jumps on you just scream and we'll come running as quickly as possible to kill it once it's finished horribly mauling you."

Knowing arguing was completely futile Grif merely wearily moved to the head of the group as they entered the woods. Despite Sarge's hopes, and Grif's fears, their trip into the woods was fairly uneventful as they more or less just muddled around aimlessly. When questioned as to what exactly they where looking for Sarge was vague at best and most of the team had a sneaking feeling his directions were leading them circles. Soon apprehension gave way to boredom.

"This is bringing back bad memories of summer camp." Grif grumbled as he trudged along a path that hardly deserved the name.

"Oh I loved camp! It was like a sleep over with all my buddies every night!" Donut piped in happily.

"Yeah you would like someplace where you got to see lots of half naked boys on a regular basis and do arts and crafts…" Grif mumbled.

"You saying something?" Donut questioned suspiciously.

"Nothing, nothing." He coughed as if clearing his throat and quickly turned his attention elsewhere when something caught his eye. "Hey did you see that!" Grif suddenly paused and pointed ahead drawing the group's attention toward the area he thought he'd spotted something. Instantly the better part of a half dozen weapons were drawn and trained on the spot. The men watched the undergrowth intently in the dimming afternoon light fingers anxiously flirting with the triggers of their weapons.

"There!" Sarge suddenly shouted and began blasting away with his shotgun shredding branches from trees and ruining the atmosphere of the once tranquil woods.

"Where is it? I don't see it?!" Simmons frantically scanned the woods trying to find what Sarge was shooting at.

"Who cares start shooting!" Grif shouted back determined that he wasn't getting his face eaten by some alien freak today. He and Simmons began spraying their rifles wildly into the trees adding a stream of tracers to the torrent of buckshot.

"Aiiieee!" Donut wailed as he assumed his designated position screaming like a girl and panicking in the face of the unseen enemy.

Assuming they must have seen something Lopez strode forward from the rear of the group and let loose with his flamethrower hosing down the woods with napalm. It a matter of moments the once peaceful serenity of nature was reduced a blazing bullet riddled hell. Finally after nearly a minute the flamethrower ran dry just as the rest of the team expended the last of their ammunition and the barrage petered out.

"Did we kill it? What was it anyway?" Grif questioned still scanning the burning woods for movement.

[I did not see the target either.] Lopez chimed in.

"Well I'm pretty sure I thought I saw something." Sarge announced seemingly quite satisfied with the devastation before him.

"You thought you saw something?! We torched half an acre because you thought you saw something!?" Simmons replied incredulously.

"When dealing with the unknown it's better safe then sorry!" Sarge replied sagely.

"You don't even know for sure that anything was there!" Simmons protested.

"Not knowing if something unknown is around is an unknown in and of itself!" His logic as always was flawless.

[You're stupidity continues to astound me even after so long...] Lopez announced with contempt.

"Umm guys maybe we should get out of here. The fire seems to be spreading…" Donut noted worriedly.

Indeed a quick glance showed the flames had taken hold in the treetops and the fire was continuing to intensify and spread on its own. Without any further promoting or a second thought they quickly fled the scene leaving the fire they'd started to continue spreading out of control. Pointlessly torching a few acres of woodland was hardly even near the top of the list of wicked deeds they'd committed and totally failed to take any responsibility for after all.

Unbeknownst to them as they fled the scene Sarge HAD actually seen something. That something was now staggering away from the spreading flames singed and bruised, but somehow miraculously free of bullet holes. "I… I just wanted to surprise them…" She whimpered pitifully with tears in her eyes.

Red Base Sometime Later

"Alright men, first off I just wanted to congratulate you all on that excellent mission." Sarge began in all seriousness.

"What was excellent about it?! We just bumbled around the woods for an hour and then murdered some trees! Then we got lost and it took six hours to get back!" Grif responded incredulous.

"Funny you should mention that second bit I have some notes on that! Now while I really liked how we were all firing indiscriminately and randomly at the slightest sign of movement once we got going I think we can do better. In the future I'd like to see quicker reactions and hair triggers. Remember to shoot first and ask questions later at all times!"

"Noted sir, we'll start shooting sooner and with less verification in the future!" Simmons replied quickly.

"That's the spirit! Now I also have some more specific problems let's start with Grif why didn't you take your assigned position?"

"You mean why didn't I run out in front of us to draw enemy fire?" He replied flatly.

"So you knew what your job was and still failed! Show some initiative!" Sarge admonished, but hardly expected better from him.

Grif merely sighed wearily at this.

"Simmons, you should have been closer to me, and ready to leap in front of any return fire that got past Grif to valiantly save your leaders life!"

"Sorry sir I umm didn't want to block your line of fire sir." His reply this time was less then sincere.

"It's an important job so see that it doesn't happen again!" He noted gruffly before moving on. "Donut, I could barely hear your girlish squeals over the storm of gunfire! Your effeminate wailing can't distract the enemy if he can't hear it so speak up!"

"Sorry sir I forgot my throat lozenges and I was just too parched to hit my normal volume!" He apologized earnestly.

"Making sure you have all your equipment is vital!" He noted sternly. "Lopez, flamethrower fuel is expensive so when incinerating random tracts of terrain in the future fire in short controlled bursts! Let the secondary fires do the work of destroying property for you!"

"Usted es insano."

"Glad we agree!" He nodded approvingly. "Now I know it may seem like I'm being hard on you, but that's because it's going to take everything we've got to survive in this strange new land, but follow my lead and we'll be fine!"

"God we're so boned…" Grif noted bleakly.

Elsewhere…

"Hey, hey did you hear?!"

"Hear about what?"

"There was an incident!"