Disclaimer: I don't own Les Miz (the Novel Belongs to Victor Hugo and the musical to Buoblil and Schonberg) I did not own Legally Blonde the Musical or Jerkyll and Hyde. Or the "glare-o-death", that belongs to Enjy. But Random Villager 2 is mine.
Les Mis: Shortened and Messed Up.
Toulon:
Convicts: We're prisoners.
Guards: Shut Up
Valjean: Wow. Nineteen years for a frickin' loaf of bread
Javert: 24601, get the hell outta here.
Valjean: I have name you know, it Jean Val-
Javert: And I'm Jaaaaaavert!
Some village that I think is called Digne
Valjean: Can I stay here?
Bishop: Sure man!
Valjean: Oh! Pretty shiny candle sticks! *steals*
Police Guy: Did this convict steal from you?
Bishop: Heavens no!
Police Guy: Whatev
Bishop: I've bought your soul for God.
Valjean: Um…yay? Okay, I guess I've got change my name like 12 times now.
Mountriel-sur-mer:
Poor People: Our lives suck
Fantine: My life sucks, but at least I have a job, so ha!
Factory Girl 5: Not anymore! You have an illegitimate child! You're a slut!
Fantine: Look whose talking!
FG5: Ah-oh! Three words: Spring Break, Cabo!
Fantine: Guess I gotta go sell my hair and become a whore *goes offstage and then comes back with shorn hair and less clothes*
Bamatabois: Haha, you're ugly! Can I buy you?
Fantine: Ew…no! Don't you play Grantaire later in the show?
Bamatabois: *throws absinthe bottle offstage* no.
(they fight)
Javert: Tell me quickly whats the story-
Bamatabois: She did it!
Fantine: But I can't get arrested, I've got a kid.
Javert: Yeah, Yeah, whatever.
(The mayor strolls by)
Mayor: Since I'm such a nice guy, I'm going to help this whore and her dying child!
Javert: You're weird. You remind me of this convict, 24601, but we've caught him, after ten years on the run.
Mayor: It's only been nine.
Javert: Huh?
Mayor: never mind…Who am !?
Random Villiager 2: Looks like the mayors having another one of this "Jerkyll/Hyde" moments.
Mayor (or shall we say "Valjean"?): I'm Jean Valjean! 2-4-6-0-1! *insert high note here*
Hospital
Fantine: I'm dying. *cough*
Valjean: I'll save your Cosette!
Fantine: *dies*
Javert: I've got you now 24601!
Valjean: Sorry dude, I've got some brat to save. *throws chair at Javert…hey! That rhymes!*
The Inn
Cosette: There is a castle on a cloud.
Authoress' brothers: Thats physically impossible! Shut up you twit!
Mme Thenardiar: Go fetch some water kid.
Cosette: *wibble*
Thenardiar: Get drunk! Whee! I'm making money!
Drunken Lodgers: HaHa! We're drunk! We love you!
Mme Thenardiar: He's an asshole though.
Valjean: I've come to adopt Cosette, I have money and a will.
Thenardiar: Sold!
Paris: Ten Years Later
Poor people: Our lives still suck.
Enjolras and Marius: We're friends now, even though in the book we hate each other.
Courfeyrac: Hello? What about me, your roommate? Hello? Remember me Marius?!
Eponine: Hey Mari! Watcha doin'?
Marius: I'm gonna go stalk that pretty girl over there. Could you get her address for me?
Eponine:*sulks*
Javert: I think that old guy over there with the girl being stalker by that dolt of a lawyer is Valjean. Hmp. *suddenly becomes night* Oh look! Stars! Pretty!
Cafe Musian
Enjolras: let's rise up for the poor.
Combeferre: My part is too small
Authoress: I know sweetie! It's so sad! *hugs him*
Combeferre: Don't touch me.
Bahorel: At least you got a part!
Marius: *enters*
Enjolras: You're late.
Joly: *sneezes* whab's up? *sneezes again*
Marius:…pretty girl…
Grantaire: I'm agog! I'm aghast!
Enjolras: Who cares about pretty girls and love! I prefer death!
Garvoche: Lamarque is death!…I killed him.
Enjolras: Yes! Finally, some death! Let's build a barricade! *sings* DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING?
Everyone one else: No.
Enjolras*glare-o-death*
Cosette's Garden
Cosette: Yay! I have a stalker!
Marius: I love you!
Cosette: I love you too! BTW, whats your name?
Marius: Marius Pontmercy!
Cosette: I'm Cosette!
Eponine: *sulks*
Thenardair: Lets steal from the man who stole Cosette
Montparnesse; Um…Whats Eponine doing here?…Not that I'm complaining *flashes his uber hot flirtatious dandy smile*
Thenardair: Get away you little hussy!
Eponine: *screams*
Patron-Minette: *scurries off*
Marius: Eponine, you've saved the day! I still love Cosette though
Eponine: *sulks*
Valjean: Cosette, I heard a scream
Cosette: Oh yeah…there were some prevs here a minute ago.
Valjean: Must be Javert!
Cosette: Who?
Valjean: Uh…nothing, come! We must flee to England! ('cuz Les Mis is still playing there, hehe… yeah I know that wasn't funny…)
Some Random Spot…
Valjean: One day more!
Cosette and Marius: I love you!
Eponine: *sulk*
Enjolras: Let me lead you to your deaths in my sexy non-canon vest!
Javert: I've gone from stalking middle aged convicts to stalking hot young schoolboys!
Thenardiars: Hehe! We're gonna steal from those hot schoolboys!
All: One Day More!
End of Act 1
Rue Plumet
Eponine: *dressed as a boy* Monsieur, I've a letter for your daughter.
Valjean: Merci
Eponine: *sulk*
Valjean: Are you just gonna stand there and sulk all day or are you gonna leave?
Eponine: *sulks while leaving*
Valjean: *reads*
The Streets
Eponine: I love him, but everyday I'm learning-
Random Villager 2: Oh shut up already! Its 2AM!
Eponine: *sulks*
The Barricades
Eponine: *sulkingly climbs the barricade and sulkingly gets shot*
Marius: hey watcha doin' 'Ponine, did you give Cosette my letter?
Eponine: Um…I'm kinda dying here
Marius: Oh Look! Rain! *holds Eponine*
Eponine: And rain, will make the flowers…*die*
Marius: Aw man! She didn't get to finish the song!
Garvoche: *To Enjy* See the old-looking guy over there?
Enjolras: Yeah.
Garvoche: He's not a student revolutionary, he's a 52-year-old spy with OCD.
Javert: Oh, crap.
Garvoche: Whoop-Whoop! Score one for the little people!
Enjolras: What should we with him?
Grantaire: Can I get into his pants?
Enjolras: No.
Grantaire: can I get into that dead girl Eponine's pants?
Enjolras: No.
Grantaire: Can I get into your pants?
Enjolras: NO!
Valjean: *suddenly appears* I'll take care of him. *takes Javert away* Here you go, you're free.
Javert: Why?
Valjean: 'Cause I'm Saint Valjean now…or is it Saint Fauchelevet now? I can't keep all my names straight…
Javert: Are you sure? 'cause really, I'm okay with it
Valjean" You're free…FREE, now go!
Javert: Fine!
Later in The Café
Fueilly: Lets Drink to Poland!
Courfeyrac: To Grisettes!
Grantiare: We're all gonna die and nobody will care.
Enjolras: *glare-o-death at R*
Eveyone: *drunk*
Marius: I miss Cosette! *sulks* I've become suicidal!
A Little Bit later
Valjean: dear God, please save that dolt boy of a lawyer Marius who's trying to steal my little girl away from me. But its okay if you let Combeferre, a nice, respectable, intelligent, extremely gorgeous, young boy die. Along with all the other awesome barricade boys. (The bald one who can't spell his name had it coming) Thank-you.
Even Later-er
Enjolras: okay men, lets fight-*shot*
Grantaire: Not my Apollo! *holds Enjy in his arms…aww*
Enjolras: I never told you this…I love you-WAIT! HOLD UP! THIS NEVER HAPPENED! WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Authoress: Come on Enjy, everyone would like to see this!
Enjolras: Nobody would! You're sick and twisted little teenage girl!
Authoress: Oh, fine, Grantiare, let go of him.
Grantiare: *sulks*
Enjolras: Oh, and when Thenardair comes around, don't let him touch my super sexy vest. *dies*
Enjy-Fangirls; No!
Everyone else but Marius and Valjean: *dies*
Random Villager 2: Haha, idiots.
Thenardair: hehehe! I'm gonna steal stuff! *realizes that these are dead students and they own squat, just like the authoress* Oh well…I quess I'll have to settle with this cheap ring then *steals a ring from a seemingly dead Marius
Valjean: *carries a seemingly dead Marius*
The Sewers
Valjean: *carries Marius through the sewers*
Javert: Ha! I've got you 24601!
Valjean: That's what you said the last time and I still got away.
Javert: Well, not this time!
Valjean: Whatever, you're weird…you really need a hobby, you should try knitting…or get a cat, you seem like a cat person, you can name it Snookums.
Javert:*confused and angry*
At A Bridge over the Seine
Javert: Who is this man, what sort of devil is he?
Valjean:*from off-stage* I prefer the term "Saint"
Javert: ugh, my pretty stars are black and cold, guess I gotta die now, oh well *jumps into the Seine*
Javvie Fangirls: NO!
Some place…
Marius: My friends are dead and gone!
(Meanwhile, up in Heaven)
Enjy Angel: Haha! He thought we were his friends!
Grantaire Angel: What a Dolt!
Fueilly Angel: He said he didn't like Poland…*sniff-sniff, tears*
Joly Angel: He never washed his hands.
Lesgle Angel: *rubbing his bald head* He had too much hair
Jehan Angel: He premed his hair
Combeferre Angel: Stupid little Bonapartist
Courfeyrac Angel: I always thought he was gay.
Bahorel: And I still don't have part.
(Back on Earth)
Cosette: I love you so forget all about your friends.
Marius: Okay, lets get married
The Wedding (awwww)
*Wedding Bells Chime*
Marius and Cosette: *married*
Thenardair: *dressed very weirdly* Oh! Pretty silver *steals*
Thenardairs: Hehehe, we're so evil!
Thenardair: Hey pretty boy, your father in law is a murderer, he stole this cheap, ugly, ring
Marius: That's my ring
Thenardair: Oh shit.
Marius: *punches Thenardair*
Later-ish
Valjean: *dying* ah! A ghost!
Fantine: Come with me!
Cosette: Don't die Papa!
Marius: Sorry I was such an ass to you
Valjean: It's okay Marius, I never expected much from you.
Fantine and Eponine: *with way too much vibrato* We'll lead to salvation!
Valjean: I almost forgot! By the way Cosette, you're adopted! Here, its all in this letter. *dies*
All the Other dead people besides Javvie and the Bishop: Tomorrow Comes!
End of Act 2
Victor Hugo: Turning in his grave.
Bahorel: And I still don't have a part.
The End.
Notes : So the whole 'spring break Cabo' thing is from Legally Blonde the Musical, and a bunch of the jokes in here (like the castle on a cloud one) I stole from my brother, who I have driven insane with all my mizziness, so I have to give them some credit too.
My Frist fic! So please review but remember, I'm as delicate as Jehan!