Title: At What Cost
Author: Steph (ILUVNYYANK@aol.com)
Category: Drama
Spoilers: "Phase One", "A Free Agent" and tomorrow's episode, "Firebomb".
Rating: PG
Archive: Sure, just let me know where.
Disclaimer: Alias and its characters do not belong to me. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.
Summary: Vaughn tries to convince Dixon to help the CIA save Sydney, which results in Dixon making a decision that could change everything.
Note: This is just a little thing that popped into my head as I tried to imagine what that Vaughn/Dixon scene would be like that we saw a glimpse of in the previews. Nothing much to it. Just a scene that I wanted to write. Not really shippery, but there's a bit of a shipper-laced moment so I figured I'd send it to the shipper lists. Hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you thought! :) ~Steph
* * * At What Cost: Part 1/1 * * *
Vaughn knocked on the door and then waited, placing his hands in the pockets of his pants. He heard the sound of footsteps nearing and a moment later the door was thrown open.
Dixon offered Vaughn a long, hard stare, as his wife, Diane, looked on in the background.
"What are you doing here?" he asked coldly.
Vaughn's jaw tightened. "Sydney's in trouble."
Dixon shook his head sharply, but his voice emerged weakly. "Like I told Kendall, Sydney's safety is no longer of any concern to me."
Vaughn lowered his gaze to the ground. "Can I come in, please?"
Dixon eyed him for a moment, before hesitantly stepping aside to allow him entrance. He looked over at Diane, who simply nodded and left the room. He closed the door behind Vaughn and then turned around to face him.
Vaughn swallowed hard. "Look, Sydney needs your help. As Kendall told you, Sloane is holding her captive. You possess information that we need in order to free her. Plus, you know Sloane better than any of our agents. You-..."
Dixon cut him off, "Obviously, I didn't know him well at all."
Vaughn sighed. "Still, you have crucial information. If you don't help us, Sydney will very likely be killed."
"I don't work for the CIA anymore, Agent Vaughn." He paused, allowing a bitter smile to overtake his lips, "Turns out, I never did."
Vaughn licked his lips. "I know that you're feeling hurt. I understand that, but-..."
Dixon's lips curled into a snarl and his voice came out booming. "You don't understand anything! Nothing! You don't know what it's like to think that you're working for the good guys, protecting your country, when all along you're working for the enemy. I can't even stand to think of all the harm I've caused." He paused, breathing deeply, before going on, "And you don't know what it's like to find out that someone you trusted so deeply, someone you trusted with your life, has been lying to you all of this time...Playing you for a fool. Worst of all, Sydney could have stopped this long ago, stopped me from doing any more harm. But she didn't."
Vaughn removed his eyes from Dixon's. "Sydney hated lying to you. She wanted to tell you a million times. I had to convince her more than once not to tell-..."
"So I have you to thank."
Vaughn continued, ignoring the jab. "She never told you to keep you safe...to keep you and your family safe. She couldn't force you into the life of a double agent, which is what would have happened. She couldn't choose that life for you. She knew that she could never make that decision for you."
Dixon scoffed at that. "But it was okay for her to decide that I should keep serving the enemy, unwittingly betraying my country? That was all right?"
Vaughn shook his head tiredly. "No, of course not, she just didn't have a choice. Sydney was doing her job."
"And I did my job." Dixon closed his eyes, his voice growing low. "Over the past few days, I've replayed all of the missions we went on during the last two years. I kept trying to figure out what she had done to help the CIA; I tried to recall all the times she didn't act quite right, every time something didn't go as planned." His voice turned heavy with emotion, "And then I remembered Badenweiller. I remembered using the backup detonator to blow up that plant after the bomb didn't go off. I remembered how she tried to stop me and how shaken she was after it blew up. It kept bothering me, so I called Kendall and asked him about it. He told me four CIA agents died in that explosion." He paused, swallowing back a sob, before his voice roared, "I did that! I killed four patriots of this country because I didn't know! I took away husbands, sons, fathers...heroes because I was doing my job!" He stopped abruptly again, his breathing so ragged that his chest was heaving. He squeezed his eyes shut again and then spoke quietly, "I was doing my job."
Vaughn could barely stand to look at the shattered man. They stood there in silence for a few moments, before Vaughn hesistantly broke it.
"You're right, I don't understand. I can only imagine how hurt and betrayed you're feeling by Sydney. That's understandable. But I need you to think of her right now, think of that person you've known for so long."
"That person died two years ago."
"No, Sydney, the person, never changed. She is the same smart, caring person you've always known. And I know that if you could just put aside all of your pain and anger for just a second, you'd realize that you still care for her and don't want anything to happen to her."
Dixon didn't meet his eyes. "I think you should go."
Vaughn sighed in frustration, but stood his ground. He ran a hand through his hair, his expression softening. His voice emerged softly, "You have a wife, right?"
Dixon slowly raised his eyes to meet his, but didn't say a word.
"You have a woman in your life that you love more than anything else in this world...Someone you would do anything for, do anything to protect." Vaughn looked right into Dixon's eyes. "I realize we don't know each other well, but I'm not speaking to you as an agent right now. I'm speaking to you as a man who loves a woman and would do anything to protect her. I think you can relate to that."
Vaughn quickly lowered his eyes, surprised that he had let himself get that personal with someone he barely knew...that personal about something professional. But he was scared and he was desperate. And he'd do anything to protect her.
Dixon spoke quietly. "Okay, I'll do it."
Vaughn's chest deflated in relief. "Thank you."
Dixon nodded and then walked to the door, opening it as a sign that he wanted Vaughn to leave. Vaughn headed towards the door. He had nearly crossed the threshold, when Dixon's voice stopped him. He turned back around to face him.
"If you really love her, then don't do anything to lose her. I lied to my wife for years and even though I hated it, I took comfort in the fact that I was doing it for a noble cause. So, when I found out that what I did was anything but noble, all of those years of lying seemed so much worse. You see, I always thought that the day I told her the truth, she would eventually understand because it was done for the good of this country. But, when I sat her down and told her the truth, I couldn't tell her that what I had done was noble. I couldn't comfort her or myself with that." He stopped and swallowed hard. "She told me that if I decide to join the CIA, then I'll be doing it alone. Whatever happens with us though, I know that she'll never look at me in the same way again. I've lost her no matter what I decide." He paused and then added in a barely audible voice, "Just don't do anything to lose her."
Vaughn bobbed his head, lips pursed, and replied softly, "I won't."
He then continued on his way and Dixon closed the door behind him. Dixon allowed his hand to linger on the doorknob, until he felt a familiar touch on his arm. He turned around and looked at his wife.
She smiled slightly, "You did the right thing, Marcus."
He nodded and then sighed, his eyes moving to the ground. "That life, Diane...Working to make this country safer...That's all I've ever known. It's who I am. And I don't know how to be anything else." He paused and moved his eyes to hers. His voice was nearly strangled with emotion. "I have to-..."
Diane squeezed her eyes shut and nodded her head. "I know."
Then she turned on her heel and exited the room. Dixon walked to the couch and sank down into it.
He wished that he could be like the man who had just left. Although it was clear that Vaughn was loyal to the CIA and loved his country, he loved Sydney more. He could tell just by looking at him that a choice between and her and his job was no choice at all. He'd always choose her.
But it was different for Dixon. His work was an inextricable part of him. He'd done a lot more, seen much more than Vaughn, and it had left him with a fierce need to protect this country.
He could pretend, maybe get a normal 9 to 5 job and act like everything was fine. He could live another lie, but there would be nothing noble behind it, nothing to sustain it and it wouldn't last long. He wouldn't be happy and it wouldn't be fair to him, Diane or the kids.
When it came right down to it, he, like Vaughn, had no choice at all when it came to the woman he loved and his work. He'd choose his work.
That realization caused Dixon to drop his face into his hands and let the tears fall for the first time. He couldn't turn his back on what was in his blood and he knew that it may have just cost him everything.
*******************************THE END************************************
Author: Steph (ILUVNYYANK@aol.com)
Category: Drama
Spoilers: "Phase One", "A Free Agent" and tomorrow's episode, "Firebomb".
Rating: PG
Archive: Sure, just let me know where.
Disclaimer: Alias and its characters do not belong to me. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.
Summary: Vaughn tries to convince Dixon to help the CIA save Sydney, which results in Dixon making a decision that could change everything.
Note: This is just a little thing that popped into my head as I tried to imagine what that Vaughn/Dixon scene would be like that we saw a glimpse of in the previews. Nothing much to it. Just a scene that I wanted to write. Not really shippery, but there's a bit of a shipper-laced moment so I figured I'd send it to the shipper lists. Hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you thought! :) ~Steph
* * * At What Cost: Part 1/1 * * *
Vaughn knocked on the door and then waited, placing his hands in the pockets of his pants. He heard the sound of footsteps nearing and a moment later the door was thrown open.
Dixon offered Vaughn a long, hard stare, as his wife, Diane, looked on in the background.
"What are you doing here?" he asked coldly.
Vaughn's jaw tightened. "Sydney's in trouble."
Dixon shook his head sharply, but his voice emerged weakly. "Like I told Kendall, Sydney's safety is no longer of any concern to me."
Vaughn lowered his gaze to the ground. "Can I come in, please?"
Dixon eyed him for a moment, before hesitantly stepping aside to allow him entrance. He looked over at Diane, who simply nodded and left the room. He closed the door behind Vaughn and then turned around to face him.
Vaughn swallowed hard. "Look, Sydney needs your help. As Kendall told you, Sloane is holding her captive. You possess information that we need in order to free her. Plus, you know Sloane better than any of our agents. You-..."
Dixon cut him off, "Obviously, I didn't know him well at all."
Vaughn sighed. "Still, you have crucial information. If you don't help us, Sydney will very likely be killed."
"I don't work for the CIA anymore, Agent Vaughn." He paused, allowing a bitter smile to overtake his lips, "Turns out, I never did."
Vaughn licked his lips. "I know that you're feeling hurt. I understand that, but-..."
Dixon's lips curled into a snarl and his voice came out booming. "You don't understand anything! Nothing! You don't know what it's like to think that you're working for the good guys, protecting your country, when all along you're working for the enemy. I can't even stand to think of all the harm I've caused." He paused, breathing deeply, before going on, "And you don't know what it's like to find out that someone you trusted so deeply, someone you trusted with your life, has been lying to you all of this time...Playing you for a fool. Worst of all, Sydney could have stopped this long ago, stopped me from doing any more harm. But she didn't."
Vaughn removed his eyes from Dixon's. "Sydney hated lying to you. She wanted to tell you a million times. I had to convince her more than once not to tell-..."
"So I have you to thank."
Vaughn continued, ignoring the jab. "She never told you to keep you safe...to keep you and your family safe. She couldn't force you into the life of a double agent, which is what would have happened. She couldn't choose that life for you. She knew that she could never make that decision for you."
Dixon scoffed at that. "But it was okay for her to decide that I should keep serving the enemy, unwittingly betraying my country? That was all right?"
Vaughn shook his head tiredly. "No, of course not, she just didn't have a choice. Sydney was doing her job."
"And I did my job." Dixon closed his eyes, his voice growing low. "Over the past few days, I've replayed all of the missions we went on during the last two years. I kept trying to figure out what she had done to help the CIA; I tried to recall all the times she didn't act quite right, every time something didn't go as planned." His voice turned heavy with emotion, "And then I remembered Badenweiller. I remembered using the backup detonator to blow up that plant after the bomb didn't go off. I remembered how she tried to stop me and how shaken she was after it blew up. It kept bothering me, so I called Kendall and asked him about it. He told me four CIA agents died in that explosion." He paused, swallowing back a sob, before his voice roared, "I did that! I killed four patriots of this country because I didn't know! I took away husbands, sons, fathers...heroes because I was doing my job!" He stopped abruptly again, his breathing so ragged that his chest was heaving. He squeezed his eyes shut again and then spoke quietly, "I was doing my job."
Vaughn could barely stand to look at the shattered man. They stood there in silence for a few moments, before Vaughn hesistantly broke it.
"You're right, I don't understand. I can only imagine how hurt and betrayed you're feeling by Sydney. That's understandable. But I need you to think of her right now, think of that person you've known for so long."
"That person died two years ago."
"No, Sydney, the person, never changed. She is the same smart, caring person you've always known. And I know that if you could just put aside all of your pain and anger for just a second, you'd realize that you still care for her and don't want anything to happen to her."
Dixon didn't meet his eyes. "I think you should go."
Vaughn sighed in frustration, but stood his ground. He ran a hand through his hair, his expression softening. His voice emerged softly, "You have a wife, right?"
Dixon slowly raised his eyes to meet his, but didn't say a word.
"You have a woman in your life that you love more than anything else in this world...Someone you would do anything for, do anything to protect." Vaughn looked right into Dixon's eyes. "I realize we don't know each other well, but I'm not speaking to you as an agent right now. I'm speaking to you as a man who loves a woman and would do anything to protect her. I think you can relate to that."
Vaughn quickly lowered his eyes, surprised that he had let himself get that personal with someone he barely knew...that personal about something professional. But he was scared and he was desperate. And he'd do anything to protect her.
Dixon spoke quietly. "Okay, I'll do it."
Vaughn's chest deflated in relief. "Thank you."
Dixon nodded and then walked to the door, opening it as a sign that he wanted Vaughn to leave. Vaughn headed towards the door. He had nearly crossed the threshold, when Dixon's voice stopped him. He turned back around to face him.
"If you really love her, then don't do anything to lose her. I lied to my wife for years and even though I hated it, I took comfort in the fact that I was doing it for a noble cause. So, when I found out that what I did was anything but noble, all of those years of lying seemed so much worse. You see, I always thought that the day I told her the truth, she would eventually understand because it was done for the good of this country. But, when I sat her down and told her the truth, I couldn't tell her that what I had done was noble. I couldn't comfort her or myself with that." He stopped and swallowed hard. "She told me that if I decide to join the CIA, then I'll be doing it alone. Whatever happens with us though, I know that she'll never look at me in the same way again. I've lost her no matter what I decide." He paused and then added in a barely audible voice, "Just don't do anything to lose her."
Vaughn bobbed his head, lips pursed, and replied softly, "I won't."
He then continued on his way and Dixon closed the door behind him. Dixon allowed his hand to linger on the doorknob, until he felt a familiar touch on his arm. He turned around and looked at his wife.
She smiled slightly, "You did the right thing, Marcus."
He nodded and then sighed, his eyes moving to the ground. "That life, Diane...Working to make this country safer...That's all I've ever known. It's who I am. And I don't know how to be anything else." He paused and moved his eyes to hers. His voice was nearly strangled with emotion. "I have to-..."
Diane squeezed her eyes shut and nodded her head. "I know."
Then she turned on her heel and exited the room. Dixon walked to the couch and sank down into it.
He wished that he could be like the man who had just left. Although it was clear that Vaughn was loyal to the CIA and loved his country, he loved Sydney more. He could tell just by looking at him that a choice between and her and his job was no choice at all. He'd always choose her.
But it was different for Dixon. His work was an inextricable part of him. He'd done a lot more, seen much more than Vaughn, and it had left him with a fierce need to protect this country.
He could pretend, maybe get a normal 9 to 5 job and act like everything was fine. He could live another lie, but there would be nothing noble behind it, nothing to sustain it and it wouldn't last long. He wouldn't be happy and it wouldn't be fair to him, Diane or the kids.
When it came right down to it, he, like Vaughn, had no choice at all when it came to the woman he loved and his work. He'd choose his work.
That realization caused Dixon to drop his face into his hands and let the tears fall for the first time. He couldn't turn his back on what was in his blood and he knew that it may have just cost him everything.
*******************************THE END************************************