Title: The Inability To Let Go
Author: NickyFan
Disclaimer: All rights belong to CBS and their writers.
Summary: Why is it always so hard to let go? It was a question Nick had for a long time but finally he found an answer for.
Notes: This fic was very hard to write for me, I can't even say why. I didn't want to publish it first... but after thinking about it, I decided to give it a go. I would like to hear what you think about it :-) English isn't my first language, so I hope you have a little bit patience with me... ;-)
I wrote this story for the fifth round of Nick Fic Song Challenge on TalkCSI.
The Inability To Let Go
"Let it go, man," was what he had always said. Every time when he was deeply affected by other people's actions and thought he would never be able to forgive or forget, he had been there with those words...his magical words...to make him feel better. There was no one who could have the same effect on him by saying those words like he always had.
It was never easy for him to let things go. He was so easily hurt. Maybe it was because he was so trusting all the time and wearing his heart on his sleeve. Maybe it was because he simply expected too much of them. It looked like trust meant more to him than to other people. Who knew? But the fact was that there had always been someone who had been able to build him back up again when he thought he couldn't go on anymore. With this someone's help he had always managed to let it go.
Now he was gone and he was standing at his grave. Simple, white, italic letters on a dark grey gravestone proclaimed that Warrick Brown, born 1971, had died in May 2008. Now it was September 2009 and he still had trouble accepting that his best friend was gone and would never come back.
He sat now for hours at his grave, mostly thinking but sometimes talking to Warrick, the way he always used to talk to him when they had been out for a beer or were simply watching a football game on TV. He didn't know how long he had been sitting there today, but it must have been some time because he had come here in the afternoon and now the sun had already gone down and the moon was drowning the cemetery in a dim light. The white letters on the gravestone shone in the night, and Nick felt his heart cramping as he read the lines over and over again.
Today their conversation had been quiet. He had been deep in thought the whole time. A very exhausting week lay behind him. The atmosphere here, the quietness, and the feeling of having his best friend nearby were what helped him to get through life now that the two of them couldn't go out for a drink anymore.
He could hear an owl in one of the many trees around him and the noise of the wind brushing through the leaves. It was getting cold and he started to shiver. He should have brought his jacket. Now he sat there in only a black t-shirt and jeans. He brought his knees up to his chest and hugged them with his arms to keep warm.
Staying this long hadn't been his intention. In fact, the only thing keeping him here was something between Warrick and him that needed to be resolved, something that had been on his mind since it came up shortly after his best friend's death. He was afraid to ask, but he really needed to know and so he spoke finally into the cold night, "Warrick, why didn't you tell me about Eli?"
There you go, Nick. That wasn't so hard, right? But it was. It had been the hardest question he had ever allowed himself to ask, and was never as afraid of an answer as he was now.
Man, your stupidity is all too clear now. Here you sit, asking your dead buddy questions he will never be able to answer because he was killed. Does it even matter that he hadn't told you? Oh yes, it does matter. Why didn't he tell you? It doesn't help that he hadn't told the others about his little son either. Were you Warrick's best friend or not? This question really ate at him. He was deeply hurt and no one was there to help him get over it. There was no one there to say, "Let it go, man."
"For God's sake, Warrick, you should have told me! I'm your friend, aren't I? Why didn't you trust me?" By now his deep brown eyes glistened with unshed tears and his words turned into sobs. He would never know. Warrick wouldn't come back to give him the answer.
"Let it go, man." It was like a mantra in his head. Sometimes it's so damn hard to let go, Warrick. In situations like this he felt how much he missed his friend. It didn't matter that Nick felt hurt because of him. His presence would have made the pain bearable. Warrick had always known what to do, had always made him feel better, and now he was alone and he realized how many things he didn't know about the man he thought was his best friend.
"You know that I would have helped you, don't you?" There was no answer from the grave. All that could be heard was the owl's voice in one of the many trees around him. In that moment Nick wished more than ever that his friend would just come out of his grave and answer him. But he wouldn't…
"I'm putting together a college fund for Eli, you know?" He wiped away the tears that had escaped his eyes with one hand and continued, "They all gave money for it. Catherine, Greg, Grissom, Sara, Super Dave, Doc Robbins, Mandy, Wendy, Archie, even Hodges." The soft laugh following sounded more like a sob as he was fighting hard not to lose it again.
"I'll bet you're very proud to be a dad. I sure would be." He couldn't hold his tears back any longer as it all hit him. His friend would never get the chance to see his son growing up. He had never been able to be a dad to Eli. And the little boy would never get to know his father.
"I've seen him once… at your funeral… and Tina, she was there too. I didn't talk to her, though. I was… well… I wasn't able to talk to anyone that day… I just… I… I miss you so much, man." He wasn't able to say anything more. He just sat there and cried.
"You know what? I think you had your reasons for not telling anyone about him, but you can be sure that every one of us would have been anxious to see him. Maybe that's why you kept him hidden from us, huh?" Nick smiled a little through his tears. It was a smile that didn't quite make it to his eyes. "I don't know if I'll be able to let it go this time, Warrick. But I know that I'll take care of Eli for you."
***
A few days later he found himself in a nice little neighborhood. It was one of those days he would usually use for being outside, especially when he had one of his rare days off. But today he had other plans. One might think he was on a mission, the way he was sitting in his car in an ordinary neighborhood with his ever present sunglasses and dark clothes. He wasn't exactly on a mission, but what he planned to do was a hard task for him anyway.
He watched some kids playing ball on the street and others riding their bikes all the while smiling and laughing happily. Nick couldn't help but to smile a little at that too. The little tuck on his lips made him look less tense. But he looked like he wouldn't belong here.
Out of his jeans pocket he took the piece of paper where he had scribbled down a name and an address in such a hurry that it was hard to read, even for him. The street name was right and he was also parked in front of the right house. Good.
He took one last deep breath and got out of his car. This really wasn't going to be easy for him. He took the steps toward the front door and with every step he took he was getting more nervous and his feet were getting heavier.
Finally he reached the door. He checked the name above the doorbell and nodded. Brewster, that's it. Now he just needed to ring… if it were only that easy. His heart started pumping faster and was painfully pounding against his ribs. With a shaking hand he reached out and rang the doorbell.
The following seconds were filled with silence. He rubbed his nose and ran a hand through his dark hair. Oh yes, he was nervous.
Finally the door opened and Nick was soon eye to eye with a pretty dark-skinned woman with dark hair and kind eyes. But right now those eyes stared at him, confused, and the greeting she gave him was anything but kind.
"What do you want?"
"I… well… maybe it would be better I leave… sorry," he stammered and turned to walk back to his car.
The reaction she got wasn't the one she expected, and she felt bad for snubbing him. The past months had been hard for her and the stress was taking its toll. Seeing her ex-husband's best friend at her front door was a shock for Christina Brewster. Grabbing his arm she said, "Nick, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound rude. It's just…you kind of scared me. I haven't seen you in a while."
Nick turned back to face her. His deep brown eyes looked sad and guilty. "I'm sorry, Tina. I thought I would come by and say 'Hi'. I really didn't mean to disturb you or anything."
Tina smiled at that. It was typical Nick… he was always sorry for everything. "It's fine, Nick. I didn't expect you to come by, but why don't you come in? I'll make coffee."
Nick thanked her and soon he sat on the couch in her living room while she was in the kitchen making coffee. He took a look around the room and spied lots of toys lying all around. One couldn't miss the fact that a child lived here.
"How are you doing?" asked Tina from the kitchen. He could hear her putting away dishes and making coffee.
"Okay, I guess." No, nothing was okay. Why couldn't he be honest when people asked him how he felt?
"Who do you think you're bullshitting, Nick? I've known you for some time now, and you know as well as I do that you're an open book. So?"
Oh yes, how could he forget? "It's been hard since Warrick's been gone," he offered.
"Yeah, it is hard," was all she said. Nick knew that Tina was maybe not the right person to talk to about Warrick. The silence that followed made him feel uncomfortable and nervous again.
"How is Eli doing? I'll bet he's growing up fast." Nick hoped that this topic would help their conversation and he was right. Tina came back with two coffee pots and a smile on her face.
"He's fine. I can't believe he's already running through the flat on his own. Right now he's asleep."
"Aw, that's good. I'm glad to hear he's alright. I haven't seen him in a while." It had been more than a year already.
"So why are you really here?" asked Tina after a few minutes of silence. She knew that Nick wasn't sitting in her living room because he wanted to say 'Hi'.
He shifted nervously on the couch and finally answered. "I'm putting together a college fund for Eli."
Tina looked at him in surprise while sipping on her coffee. After sitting her cup down she said, "You are? That's really generous of you, but you know that you don't have to do that."
"It's the least I can do."
"You don't have to do anything for us, Nick."
"But…" His speech was interrupted by a little boy running through the room and into his mom's arms.
"Eli, how did you sleep, honey?" Tina asked, smiling, but the little boy simply climbed into her lap and buried his head into his mom's shoulder. Tina looked at Nick and explained, "He always needs a few minutes to warm up after waking up, right Eli?" No reaction.
Nick smiled a little at that. He's like Warrick. He always hated talking after waking up. That's why we liked each other's presence so much. "It's okay. I'm not the most chatty person after getting up either."
The ringing of a phone interrupted the renewed silence and Tina sighed before turning to Nick. "Would you hold him a few minutes? I'll be right back."
Without waiting for an answer she carried Eli to Nick and sat him in his lap. If she had seen the look on Nick's face as she asked, she maybe wouldn't have done it. It was not that he didn't want to hold the little boy...in fact there was nothing he would have more liked to do at the moment, but he was somewhat surprised that Tina gave Eli to him without hesitation. She ran out of the room to answer the phone in the kitchen.
An again nervous Nick was shyly stroking Eli's back as the little boy buried his head into his shoulder. Why wasn't he scared that his mom left him with a stranger? At the moment he was exactly that to him...a stranger.
"Hey, buddy, I'm your Uncle Nick." No response. "It's hard to wake up sometimes, isn't it? I hate that too."
Nick wasn't even sure if the little boy heard him. He was quiet and made no attempt to talk to Nick or to even look him in the eyes. He really is Warrick's son. There is no need to see his face. One could see it in Eli's whole demeanor. It was silent in the living room and Nick could hear Tina talking on the phone in the kitchen.
He couldn't believe that he was sitting there with Warrick's little boy in his lap. It was unfair that his best friend never had the chance to spend time like this with his son. Nick couldn't hold back the single tear that slid down his cheek at the thought. Eli chose this moment to look up. Looking into the little boy's green eyes was like seeing Warrick again. Another tear escaped his eye and this time Eli took his little fingers and wiped it off of Nick's face. "Don't cry, Uncle Nick." Nick held him close and the boy threw his little arms around his uncle's neck.
"Let it go, man." This time Nick was glad he wasn't able to do so. That is why he ended up sitting here, finding the peace he so desperately needed.
The End
A/N: Thank you all for reading my story :-) I would like to hear what you think, so please leave a review. If you would like to know how I came to write this story check out my profile :-D
Thank you so much for beta reading my story, Smokey *hugs* Thank you so much for your support :-)