Hey Brother, a young riders fanfic

In honor of Gregg Rainwater's birthday I thought I'd share a little story with you. This is based on Avicii's song "Hey Brother." When I heard it, I knew there was a TYR story there, and I was pretty sure it was Buck's. I hope you enjoy this one :)

"I cain't believe yer leavin' tomorrow."

Kid's voice broke through Buck's reverie as he watched the horses in the corral. He smiled reflexively at the Kid's words. He could, after all, hardly believe it himself. "Yeah, it snuck up on me too."

Kid leaned against the fence beside him, sighing. "Listen, Buck, I know ya feel like ya havta move on, but I want ya ta know that yer always welcome here."

Buck turned to his friend, a man who'd become family to him over the years. "Thanks, Kid. I appreciate that. And maybe someday I'll be back to stay, but right now the trail is callin' to me. I think there's more in store for me than the life I've been living."

Kid stiffened. "I didn't realize you were so unhappy here with us."

"That's not what I meant, Kid." Buck put his hand on the other man's shoulder, turning him toward the open prairie beyond the barn. "Look out there. When you think of home, you think of that house behind you, of the woman you share your life with. When I think of home, I think of the land beyond our view. I need to see what lies over those hills in the distance."

Dropping his head sheepishly, Kid nodded. "I'm sorry, Buck, that wasn't fair of me. I felt the same way when I left Virginia. I needed to see what was out here. I just hope the roads'll lead ya back to us."

The two men stood silently for several minutes, each contemplating the future. At length, Kid broke the silence, "Have you talked to Lou?"

Buck shook his head. "Not yet. I tried earlier, but she kept changin' the subject. Then she disappeared."

"I think I saw her headin' down to the lake." Kid gave him a rueful smile. "It's strange to not be the one chasin' 'er fer once."

As he walked the familiar path toward the lake, Buck thought about the last few years he'd spent working with Kid and Lou. It had been nice to be with people he considered family. He'd stayed with Lou when Kid made his ill-fated attempt to join the Confederate Army, but to everyone's surprise the Virginian had returned without ever reaching his home state. He'd confessed to his family that he realized his future was more important than his past, and his future was with Lou. Buck had been relieved, but a bit envious too. His future was still a question mark.

He thought about how happy Lou had been when Kid came home. Though she'd been adamant that Kid never leave her behind, she didn't believe in what her husband would be fighting for in Virginia. There were times Buck had thought she might waste away to nothing. She'd still worked more than her fair share, but he'd been worried about her after more than a week of watching her push her food around her plate in an effort to make it look like she'd actually eaten. When he finally called her on her behavior, he'd expected her to deny it or get angry with him.

Instead she'd looked up at him with her big brown eyes and started to talk. He was so shocked at first that he hadn't known what to do, so he just listened. And after she'd poured her heart out to him, he'd started telling her things he hadn't even told Ike. Lou and Buck had become best friends in that short time. He, who was still mourning Ike, and she, who was mourning her husband's choices, leaned on each other. Even after Kid came home, she was always there to listen to him. She called him brother, and he was honored.

But ever since he announced his intentions to move on, she'd started to pull away from him. Those big eyes of hers that used to dance with humor around him were now shuttered and sad. She was mourning him already. He'd noticed her pushing her food around instead of eating, just like when Kid left. And she'd spent the better part of this day avoiding him, as if by refusing to say goodbye, he would never actually leave.

A plunking sound roused him from his thoughts. As he neared the lake, he could see Lou sitting on the bank, absentmindedly tossing pebbles into the water. She looked so small and alone, he felt the now familiar pangs of doubt. Maybe he didn't need to leave. Maybe he was just misreading the signs. Maybe…

"I know yer there, Buck." Lou's voice was matter-of-fact and sad. "I'm done runnin', and yer doin' the right thing."

Buck couldn't hide his surprised smile. He hadn't made a sound, yet she'd known he was there. And she'd read his mind too. "How do you do that?"

She turned her head to look at him, sadness etched on every feature. "Yer my brother."

He waited a minute for her to continue, before realizing that she had no intention of saying anything more. "So you think me leavin' is the right thing?"

"Yep."

"That's it? That's all you have to say about it?" She'd become such a chatterbox with him the past few years that he was at a loss with her reticence. He couldn't believe she didn't have something more to say.

"Oh, Buck." Her words were a tear-stained sigh. She patted the ground next to her, and once he'd seated himself she leaned her head on his shoulder. "Ya know I don't want ya ta go, but it's the right thing fer ya to do."

"Lou, ya know you're my sister now, right?" He looked down at her small hands as she turned a smooth stone over and over and over again. "No matter what I find out there, you're my family. I will be back."

Lou sighed again. "I'm sure ya plan to come back. But we all know plans change."

Buck leaned away from her small frame, forcing Lou to draw back and look him in the eye. "I would never lie to you, Sister. I will be back." His tone was quiet, but his words were vehement. "And you'll send for me if you ever need me. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you and Kid."

"Buck, do you still believe we're all a family? Even Jimmy and Cody? And Jesse?" Lou's question seemingly came from nowhere, but Buck understood.

"I know they all left and haven't really been back, but yes," he answered with conviction, "we're all still a family."

Lou was quiet for a moment. "I know Teaspoon and Rachel are still close by, but… Well, it just ain't the same. It was hard enough when Cody and Jimmy left, but this is different. You're different."

Buck cleared his throat. "I don't really have to go right now, I guess. I could wait a while." He was nervous at the thought of really leaving everyone and everything he'd known for the last several years, years that had been happy and filled with a sense of belonging. Maybe he should stay.

Lou gave him a sad smile and shook her head. "No, Buck. Ya need ta do this. Ya know I like ta hold on ta the ones I love, but if ya don't ride out tomorrow I'll put a bullet through ya."

Buck couldn't help the startled expression he knew he wore. "You can't be serious."

"I sure am." Her words were like steel, unyielding and cold, but she patted his arm in a motherly fashion. "I can see the restlessness yer feelin'. Everytime ya look out over the prairie, yer eyes searching the horizon fer… somethin' ya cain't seem ta find here. Everytime ya smile that smile of yers, then it changes ta somethin' sorta wistful. Ya ain't unhappy, but ya ain't quite happy neither." She laid her head on his shoulder again. "Now that I know ya still consider us all a family, I can let ya go and know you'll find yer way back again."

Buck's mind reeled. He'd never really thought Lou would understand the real reason he needed to leave. He had indeed felt a certain restlessness lately. He'd been distracted and unsettled. And he thought he'd done such a good job of keeping those feelings to himself. He could see himself coming back to the ranch someday, and he hoped he wouldn't be alone.

"Lou?" He ventured nervously.

"Yeah?"

"How did ya know… When you and… I never really…" Buck could feel his face flush as he stumbled over his words. Why was he suddenly tongue-tied?

Lou pulled away to study his face, her soulful eyes finally starting to sparkle again. "Are you tryin' to ask how I knew it was love with the Kid?"

Buck smiled. She really was his sister in every way that mattered and could read him like a book most of the time. "Yeah… I've never found a woman I could love and who could accept me, who wasn't already taken. It just seems impossible sometimes." He fell silent, contemplating his next words. "Sometimes I kind of think Jimmy was right. Why would I want to love someone when that love would just bring 'em pain? I might not have gunslingers callin' me out, but I never know when someone might decide to hold my heritage against me. I don't belong with my Kiowa brothers, but I don't belong with my white brothers either. How do I ask a woman I love to walk that path with me? And is it even worth it?"

Lou looked at her hands as she absentmindedly twisted her wedding ring. After a few moments she looked out over the lake. "He's wrong, ya know. Jimmy was wrong about himself, and yer wrong too, if yer thinkin' like him. Ya cain't help who ya love, and she cain't help lovin' ya right back. The harder ya try ta fight it, the worse it'll be fer ya both."

Buck nodded knowingly. "Like with you and the Kid."

Lou chuckled. "We sure fought the inevitable awful hard sometimes, didn't we?"

"You could say that."

As her eyes lowered, Lou's smile faded. "When ya love somebody ya sometimes do foolish things. Ya might try so hard to protect 'em that you push 'em away instead. And when they pour out their heart, ya might get scared and try ta run. And it goes both ways. I know I used ta carry on 'bout Kid tryin' ta be mah ma, instead of mah man, but I was holdin' back from 'im. I had secrets that I wasn't ready ta share. I told mahself that I was protectin' 'im, but I was just scared."

After several seconds passed, Buck realized Lou was done talking. "What were ya scared of?"

Lou shook herself, as if she had been deep in thought. "Everything. I thought if someone knew the real me, warts and all, they could never, ever love me. Sometimes I felt like I was buildin' a house of cards. It was exciting the higher I built it, but with each happy moment came more and more fear. I had so much more to lose. You and I both know what it is to lose everything ya have and start over. After that, things are so much more precious. But sometimes yer so afraid of somethin' happenin' that you almost want to make it happen and have it over with."

He knew exactly what she meant. "Get rid of the suspense?"

"Yep. But then you'll just beat yerself up over it anyway. And you've ruined what ya had, so it's even worse than ya ever imagined." Lou's tone was rueful, reminding him of all those uncomfortable silences and awkward moments in the bunkhouse after she and the Kid had gone their separate ways for a time.

"You might want to work on your inspirational speeches, Lou." He kept his tone light and teasing, though his words were serious.

"Running Buck Cross, you know there's more to it than that." She stuck her tongue out at him playfully before laying back on the grass. When he reclined beside her, she continued, "Once I shared my secrets with the Kid, well, it wasn't like a house of cards anymore. It was real. We had a solid foundation, so I didn't have to worry about every little thing. I knew he'd be there fer me, like I'd be there fer 'im." She turned her head to face him. "And yer gonna meet a lady someday who'll make ya want ta give up all yer secrets. Oh, at first you'll not be too sure. Then you'll think she's too good fer ya. Then you'll realize just how very happy ya could be. And that's when ya gotta make sure ya don't act a fool and push 'er away. And don't forget, she'll probably be doin' the same things you are."

They laid there talking in the warm grass by the lake until the sun began to fade, painting the sky with brilliant shades of red and orange. Buck stood and helped Lou to her feet. She slipped her hand through the crook of his arm, and they walked slowly back to the house.

"Ya know, Buck, ya told us you'd come back if we need ya," Lou began. "But if ya ever need anything or anyone, you just send word. Yer our brother, no matter what."

"Thanks, Lou. That means a lot." He smiled down at her. "Yer makin' it harder to remember why I needed to leave in the first place."

She laughed. "I'm sure it'll all come back to ya, if ya think on it some more."

As he laid in bed that night, Buck's mind revisited his conversation with Lou. It sounded foolish to him, but he knew that love was something that was calling him away from the home and family he'd known for the past several years. He'd met everyone in Rock Creek. Several times in fact. The women here were like many other towns he'd been to. Pleasant enough when they needed his help, small-minded and almost afraid if they thought he was trying to get too familiar.

He knew there had to be more women like Lou, Rachel, and Emma. Women who could see him as a man, not just half-this and half-that. It was easy enough to look at the work he did at the ranch and occasionally for Teaspoon and feel a sense of accomplishment, but he was missing something. He wanted those moments he so often observed between Kid and Lou. This was less about romance and lust, and more about a help mate and partner. Someone to love deeply. Buck wanted so many of the things he already had in Rock Creek, but he needed someone to share them with.

He smiled in the darkness. If he were honest with himself, he had to admit that he was also eager to have a little bit of adventure too. He had no real desire to face death or danger, but he missed the excitement of riding the trails. Life as an Express rider had been thrilling; life as a former express rider wasn't quite the same. He didn't have a hunger for fame and glory like Cody, nor did he feel haunted like Jimmy. He hoped to return to the ranch sooner, rather than later. But he felt the wildness of the unknown pulling him away.

He had been nervous at one point, afraid that this restless feeling might never leave him. As a child living among the Kiowa with his brother, Buck had hated the way they moved so frequently. He understood why they did so, but that knowledge never made it easier for him to let go of the places he loved. His favorite hiding place by the river, the large flat stone where he and Little Bird would meet, the special oak tree where his mother would sing to him when the other children were cruel. It had been hard to leave those places. And so much had happened in Rock Creek, he didn't really want to leave forever. Knowing that Lou and Kid would welcome him home, that Teaspoon would slap his back in that fatherly way, and that Rachel would even make his favorite dessert let him know it was alright to go. No one could break his ties to his family and home here.

The sun was just beginning to make its presence known when Buck saddled his horse the next morning. He'd packed his saddlebags and bedroll the night before. As he adjusted his tack, the Kid stood by him at the corral.

"Ya sure ya got everything?" The southerner's voice was quiet in the dim light of morning. "Ya don't wanna get got caught without the right supplies."

Buck looked over his horse, into the blue eyes of his brother and grinned. "I'm sure, Kid." He grew serious as he continued, "I know you'll keep an eye on Lou and she'll take care of you too, but send word if you need anything. Or Teaspoon and Rachel for that matter."

Kid nodded. "I will. The same goes fer you, ya know."

Both men looked toward the house as they heard the door open and close. Lou was carrying a leather pouch, wearing a smile that didn't quite make it to her eyes. "I can't let ya leave if I'm worried yer gonna waste away ta nothin'."

Buck took the pouch from her hands and looked inside. He could hear amusement in Lou's voice as she continued, "It's mostly desserts… And even a little sack of sugar. I know ya can take care of yerself, but I hope ya won't forget about the sweetness ya can find with friends. New or old, Buck, a man needs friends. Don't be lonely."

Hooking the pouch on his saddle, Buck turned back and swept Lou into a bear hug. "Thank you, sister. For everything."

As he climbed into his saddle and started on his way, Buck looked back over his shoulder one last time. He drank in the image of his family. Kid, with his arm draped across his wife's shoulders, and Lou, her small frame leaned against her husband, watching him ride away. He would ride through Rock Creek and say a quick goodbye to Teaspoon and Rachel on his way out of town. But he wouldn't be putting any of them behind him. As he rode away he knew he was really riding back to them in his heart. Sometimes the best thing about leaving was having the chance to come home again. Even better would be to share that experience with someone he loved.

He had a good feeling about this.

"Hey Brother"

Hey brother, there's an endless road to re-discover.

Hey sister, know the water's sweet but blood is thicker.

Oh, if the sky comes falling down for you,