BA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! R&R.

Disclaimer: I own everything. Except for the platypus. That one's all on God. You're welcome, universe.

Where in hell is Samara?

Shepard had been trying for the better part of twenty minutes to distract the very amorous Ardat-Yakshi in front of him but to no avail – she didn't want to do some Hallex, she didn't walk to tell him about all her fun sculptures, she didn't want to duel, she didn't want to talk about death and Expel 10, she just wanted to fuck. She was a simple alien with simple needs. In fact, Morinth told him outright, right then, "I want to fuck."

That was it, that was all she wanted, that was only thing she wanted from him. It's not like he actually blamed her for it. Sex was a wonderful thing, after all, and under normal circumstances and with anyone other than Morinth in front of him, Shepard would be all for it – beautiful asari just wanting some casual sex after meeting in a club? Sure, as long as she was clean, but no if she could fry his brain.

It was the last part that was getting to him. She will fry my nervous system. I will die. She will suck my soul. That was his mantra. He'd had to repeat it to himself over seventy-two times now – he was counting. He was beginning to wonder if he had OCD, the number of times he was saying it. Maybe Samara got held up by traffic?

By the time he'd repeated the mantra over one-hundred times, Morinth apparently had enough.

"That's it," she growled, and jumped him – the Commander instinctively leapt up to the side but the asari managed to grab a hold of his legs and drag him down with her. He tried to shake her off of him but only succeeded in rolling himself on top of her, which was exactly what she wanted and he inwardly winced.

I'm going to get mind-raped, he thought, feeling a foreboding bead of sweat trickling down his neck, feeling damn nervous about something for the first time in, well, he couldn't remember.

This was bad.

He had to do something. Anything! Maybe he could tell her he was gay? Nevermind, knowing Morinth, it would be a turn-on.

Her eyes closed and she breathed in deeply, opening them. She shuddered a bit and Shepard winced again. She had an iron grip on his arms and although he didn't doubt that he could pull free, he didn't really want to. It was a bit sick, really.

When Morinth opened her eyes again, they were black. Shit.

"Tell me you want me," Morinth recited in a slow, sonorous voice that echoed in the depths of Shepard's mind. It was sweet, seductive, and…

"Tell me you need me," she went on, "that you'd do anything for me. Kill for me."

Shepard hesitated in his answer. This could be the breaking moment – he knew something that Morinth didn't know, and if Samara didn't walk in that door within the next few seconds, things could end very badly for everyone. Especially his brain, his poor, fried, comatose, and just recently-revived brain.

He just nodded, figuring that was the safest thing to do. Morinth didn't look surprised. A slow, easy smirk came across her face and she leaned up against him, whispering in his ear, "Tell me what you'd do for me."

"Lots of obscene, indecent things," Shepard answered easily enough, because it was true. He was man enough to admit it. He did have standards, though. At no point in his life had ever planned to pick up and Ardat-Yakshi at the behest of a justicar. It made him feel a bit like a prostitute, and the worst part about that was how amusing that thought secretly was.

"Say my name."

"Morinth." Samara, Samara, where are you? He wondered as Morinth rolled the both of them onto the floor began to slowly go to work. God damn it, Samara, hurry up and get your death fetishist daughter off of me... and out of my pants… Shit, what's she doing now? Oh, this isn't going to look compromising at all. It's going to make a great anecdote later, I'm sure of it. This isn't at all thrilling.

At some point, waiting for Samara was just irritating, so he decided stalling wasn't enough and it was time to get down to business. With a swift jerk and a yelp from the asari, Shepard pinned her to the ground and looked her right in the mesmerizing black eyes. Shepard stared down at Morinth blankly, pretending to be her slave.

"I have something to tell you," he said in monotone.

"No you don't," Morinth said, suddenly frowning. Did she realize that she had no command over him? Well, whatever, it wouldn't matter in a couple of seconds anyway. Someone was going to die and it wasn't going to be him – and if Samara showed up, at this point, it would just get worse.

"Well," he told the asari, "I like your freaky spirit lady – I really do – but I thought you should know that I just saved a bunch of money on my Ardat-Yakshi insurance by switching to Geico."

"…I think you deserve to die for that, human."

CRITICAL MISSION FAILURE.

FIN.