The Silent War
It was the silence that was the worst, thought Gabrielle as she made her way towards the lone tree, standing noble, as if waiting for her to seek comfort in its bark. She needed to get away… just away from everything, even if it were only for a few minutes. She closed her eyes, slipping down onto an overgrown root. Why was Xena being so understanding? Gabrielle's left eye opened as she figured it out. No, there were still things unsaid. Things that she wanted to say but just didn't dare. The priestess at Mnemosyne's temple had shown her things, things she had hidden, things where the inner war seemed to get too much. She hadn't been sleeping, eating…every step was a chore. The fights between she and Xena were becoming unbearable. And now it would be all ok. It would. They'd be ok, the two of them - everything was in the past. That's what Xena had said, hadn't she? Gabrielle sighed and looked up at the gaps between the trees. She lifted a hand to wipe her brow in frustration. The action alone cause a new flood of tears to stream down the bard's face and the light flooding between the branches soon became one big blur.
It had been a week now - one whole week of bickering, crying and pure frustration. She wasn't sure how she'd managed it, but Xena found herself proud of successfully getting Gabrielle to eat. It wasn't much, but at least she wasn't starving. After sending Joxer off to get some wood, the dark haired woman sat down on the ground and bowed her head. Through the raven bangs on her head, she peered through the dark curtain, getting a glimpse of the woman she loved - hurting. Surely Gabrielle knew everyone got jealous…Right? 'But it did hurt, didn't it?' Her mind taunted. Hearing those words coming from her sleeping partners mouth. About Lao Ma. Surely she understood the fight for this relationship proved it to be special? All those nights, finally understanding how such a small thing was in fact the cause of this gulf between them, no matter how petty it was. Xena swiped her eyes impatiently with the back of her hand and scowled. After the sleep induced confessions, she began to see things all too clear. All this guilt, this inner conflict seemed to spark a more intimate one where the two of them were concerned. 'Yeah, like you never get jealous,' her inner mind scoffed. Xena shuddered as she imagined Perdicus still alive, Gabrielle probably with a couple of kids, and Xena having to put up with conversations about house-work. Her blood began to boil and run cold all at once and she swiftly gave her taunting, very annoying 'inner-mind' a cookie. She would have been beyond jealous. Smiling inwardly, she once again turned her attention towards her partner. As she looked, the smile faded when she noted Gabrielle's posture. The blonde sat with stiff shoulders, her body coiled up against the tree. Her back, facing towards Xena, wracked with sobs.
Gabrielle felt defeated… it was as if, although pleasantries had been said, there was this inner rift that both were too scared to confront. Their intimacy had been shattered, their jokes drowned and there was a certain poignancy to every smile, every stroke of the hand - if there was one.
Xena put both hands on each knee and hoisted herself up, gently removing the tears from her own cheeks. Her actions seemed calmer than they were a few moments prior and it appeared that the jeering from her annoying little inner mind had worked wonders. As she approached the tree, she knelt down behind the bard.
Gabrielle continued to bow her head. Her mind was elsewhere… even the closeness of her soul-mate wouldn't stop this pain. It felt like nothing would.
A large, skilled hand hesitantly reached out towards the slumped figure against the tree. Stopping midway, between the comfort of her own body and her estranged partners', the warrior sighed slightly, before continuing on the frightening road to a well needed reconciliation. This silent pseudo-civil war needed to stop. This inner conflict needed to cease and both of them felt it. Even though it was silent, and covered up with sugar coated words, it was there. She reached closer to Gabrielle's body, sliding her hand across her lithe side. The chill of Gabrielle's body as her hand made contact caused her to whimper. The ribs she felt were hard and unfriendly and at that moment, she wished she could cook those nice dumplings and be like the housewife her mother had unsuccessfully taught her to be.
She wanted to take care of her partner. She wanted to do the precious little things Gabrielle did if they had to depart for a day, or a plan involved them separating. Little things like an extra apple in her saddlebag, a little love note here, a bandage with an inky kiss-print on it there.
Gabrielle choked back a sob as soon as she felt the warrior's hand wrap around her stomach. 'Resist it.' She scolded herself, 'you are not ready. Resist it,' she reprimanded once more, repeating the mantra in her head so that the words would mean something. The warmth of Xena's hand there reminded her…
That this was what it was all about. Almost a nostalgic feeling… a bittersweet conditioning of the soul, when someone you love places all their love for you in a touch. It makes you forget everything…well, not everything. Xena pulled Gabrielle into her arms, pressing her back against her. She nuzzled her neck, nudged her ear gently with her nose. She mouthed her hair lightly, and then breathed down the blonde woman's neck.
"No, I'm sorry… I can't" Gabrielle wept, attempting to get away from her. The intimacy of the moment felt so raw and intense, it felt overwhelming not to have had it for so long.
"Shhh," Xena half chuckled. "Don't think you're gonna get away from me that quickly." She smirked, proud with the slump in Gabrielle's shoulders. She continued to press herself against Gabrielle's back. Bringing her face closer towards Gabrielle's she began to whisper into her ear, "Don't block me out, don't struggle with yourself and just for tonight, we're not gonna fight, 'k?" Gabrielle froze, her heart thundering as she imagined life in its normalcy with Xena nudging her awake with a kiss, then stealing her sleeping fur so she'd have to get up anyway. She smiled into both thought and embrace. Xena's other arm slipped round her middle, and pulled her back even further. Gabrielle closed her eyes and inhaled the sweet smell of her lover, the air and all nature around her. Lost in a kind of tranquility she hadn't….
A nudge brought her back and a husky voice beckoned her to listen. "Hey? You still didn't answer me," Xena began in a sing song voice. "We are just gonna sit here and be us. Is that ok?" She repeated, this time with a discreet firm undertone that seeped through the cheerful exterior.
Gabrielle fell into the seduction, and in this moment in time, so sure of her answer. "…Yeah…." She trailed off, her response turning gradually into a hum of satisfaction. The irony of it all was that she began to remember everything. All of the fights, the quiet, healing peace after Xena defeated the Persians, how it all went down hill afterwards, feeling unloved when Tara entered their lives… and Rafe. She refused to even think about how bad it had gotten after such a bitter sweet reconciliation in Illusia. All the memories that came flooding back made Gabrielle edgy. This was all wrong, there was too much still unsaid. There was always this silent fight always, always going on. Gabrielle disentangled herself from Xena's arms but was stopped abruptly by the strong limbs around her stomach.
"No, no. You're not going anywhere," Xena husked. Gabrielle started to struggle, wrestling the muscular arms until they were finally pinned to her own body. Still wriggling and desperate to get away, Gabrielle dug her nails into Xena's bronzed arms. Xena dismissed the action, determined not to let the scratching bother her. She let down her guard. "Please," the warrior murmured in Gabrielle's ear, "just let me hold you… Please." The melancholy whispering tone to her partner's voice struck a chord so soul deep that it physically hurt. She grimaced. Listening to Xena's begging pleas changed everything. Swiveling around, the bard instantaneously nestled her head in the crook of the taller woman's neck. Xena bared the ghost of a grin, and brought her hands down the sides of Gabrielle's body, slipping them under her legs before hoisting her lover up into her lap. She waited for what seemed like forever before she felt the warm trickle of hot tears on her neck. Sitting patiently as her love cried endlessly for her lost daughter, the pain of the past year, all that was lost, all that was loved; Xena felt home again for the first time in too long. She brought her hand up to stroke the blonde's hair, tangling her fingers in the honey strands, and soothingly rocking her as she slid them both down from the outstretched root. She stretched her one free arm as close to camp as she could get and scooped up a bundle of sleeping furs. She untidily lay the furs down and gently lowered the both of them onto the bundle.
Lying on her side, Gabrielle stared into the blue eyes that had won so many people over. She tentatively reached out and brushed a rebellious bang away from Xena's face. Xena watched her brush her own stray hair away, then focused again on Gabrielle's features. The bard looked adoringly at her big buffoon of a lover, whose expression was so open, so vulnerable and almost childish that it scared her. A face that she had experienced to be seen as so evil could now look like this. She just looked so…
Xena watched Gabrielle's every move, taking in all the little twitches of muscle that suggested the bard was figuring something out. That's all Xena wanted her to do - call a truce to this inner struggle she'd been fighting for weeks. The edges of Gabrielle's lips turned up slightly, she reached out to wipe a wandering tear, and Xena felt a little self-conscious of the vulnerability she was apparently showing. The bard leaned closer, inch by inch, softly rubbing Xena's nose with her own, before gently pressing her lips to the warrior's. Xena lay still, making every effort to breathe normally. She wanted the bard to be fully in control. This was Gabrielle's decision. They both knew how Xena felt. She kept her eyes on Gabrielle the whole time, taking in the change of events and felt contempt to just lie there. The kisses were light and homely and for that moment, that's all they needed to be. No matter who was watching. Whether Joxer had come back from getting wood or some nosy woodpecker was peeking from inside the tree, both travelers knew at this moment that both inner and silent battles had been won for the better.