Haunt
The first rays of sunlight crept their way past the beige-colored miniblinds of the bedroom. Elliot leaned against the headboard of his bed, listening to the soft sounds of Kathy's breathing. He had no idea how long he had been awake; replaying the argument from the previous night. Replaying the accusations that Kathy threw at him. Words that only seemed to fuel his dangerously rising temper. Words that he had heard for the past eleven years. Words that left him without any explanations that would pacify his wife. His wife of twenty-plus years. The woman he married was definitely not the woman who had stood before him today. Not that he didn't know that people changed over the years, but this was different. He was different. They both agreed to that much. One word kept coming from Kathy. One name that they both knew was the reason that Elliot had changed. The same name that Kathy used on numerous occasions as a way to try to hurt him.
Olivia.
It was a well-known fact that most detectives could only stay in Special Victims for a couple of years. It was hard hearing the stream of horror stories from women and children about the depravity that one human being could heap onto another without being disheartened by the human race. But for one reason or another, he had remained in the unit for more than fifteen years, with Olivia by his side for the last eleven.
He had to admit that there were plenty of times when he had been ready to leave the unit. Either by his own doing or by finally crossing the line, leaving Cragen with no other alternative but to fire him. Which would have been to Tucker's enjoyment, Elliot knew. That IAB rat Tucker had been a thorn in Elliot's side ever since he had accidentally let it slip that he often dreamt of killing perps. Those same sick sons of bitches who thought of new ways to inflict any kind of pain and humiliation on the women and children that they swore that they loved.
That wasn't love. He knew what love was. He knew about the heart feeling like it might possibly burst from your chest when you saw that other person. And how the smallest things meant so much. How something as simple as a smile it could brighten the day and make it feel as if you weren't so lonely in the world.
The kind of love that he once felt solely for Kathy. The kind of love that now seemed to include Olivia. The kind of love that Kathy could see wasn't being directed towards her so much anymore, but it was there. And she knew that it included Olivia.
He had no idea when he fell for Olivia. Was that even the right word for it? He fell for her? He didn't know, but knew that he had some kind of feelings for her. The type that Tucker would gladly use against them both, in an effort to rid the force of a "rogue cop" as he often referred to Elliot.
The last few days had clearly shown just how much Tucker relished the idea of ridding the unit of him or both of them. Foolishly, Tucker had tried twisting Olivia's words around during interrogation. Using the fact that she had been in therapy to try to trip her up. Did Tucker truly believe that he could make her confess to something that she had no part in? Did he even care that she wasn't guilty or was he just so determined to be rid of the both of them that the truth didn't matter?
Not that it worked. No matter how much Tucker or IAB tried, Olivia was not going down without a fight. Nor was she going to cop to a bullshit charge of first-degree murder.
And that had been the core of the argument with Kathy. The fact that Olivia had been jailed for a couple of hours, forcing him to use the house as collateral for her bail. $250,000 seemed like a small pittance for her freedom. What else could he have done? He didn't own any stocks or bonds. Nothing that could have been liquidated quickly. His back was against the wall. Of course Kathy didn't see it that way. She just saw the desperate actions of a man who raced to free a woman that he had swore on numerous occasions that he hadn't sleep with.
It was just another slap in the face, as Kathy informed him. He should have known better than to believe word of what he had done wouldn't get back to her. Gossip always spread like wildfire, especially among the wives of cops. Wives who were friends with Kathy. No matter what precinct you were with, cops' wives remained friends.
He tried to explain that he couldn't just stand-by and do nothing, while his partner sat locked up. In the same jail that they sent their prisoners to. Forcing her to relive the trauma of what "could have happened", during an undercover stint. The details that Kathy didn't know about. Would it have mattered to her if she did? Elliot liked to think that it would, but he couldn't be too sure anymore.
The bed gently rocked as Kathy sat up. He could have tried pretending to be asleep, but he knew it was futile. Besides, it wasn't like they had anything more to discuss. Everything that needed or wanted to be said had come out last night.
Left behind were feelings of uncertainty. Hurt feelings mixed with anger and annoyance. Feelings that he still couldn't put a finger on. Feelings that he knew Kathy felt, as well. The rest of the night had been spent in relative silence. Not wanting to say more afraid something might slip out that could cause irreparable harm.
Kathy slipped her feet into the slippers that were by the bed, before walking towards the rocking chair where her pink robe lay across its wooden arms. The rocking chair had been a present from his mother. Eli had grown to love being rocked to sleep in it, especially after his first few months of being colicky. He was the first of their five to have colic, and still managed to give Elliot a bad memory of the endless crying. Kathy often fell asleep while holding Eli in her arms, but somehow she managed to keep the rocking chair in motion.
Life seemed simpler then. They were both so focused on dealing with Eli's colic that it barely gave them time to dwell on whatever problems they were having. The twins were the only ones who still lived at home, but even they didn't really need their parents much. Lizzie no longer gave either of them any trouble. She spent most of her free time with friends or talking on the phone. Just like Maureen had. Spending hours on the phone, discussing who-knew-what about everything. Elliot's relationship with Dickie had slowly improved. There were still a few times where he would unknowingly slip, referring to his teenage son as Dickie instead of Richard as he now preferred to be called. It didn't matter what he called himself, his son would always be Dickie to him. He had nearly lost him weeks ago when Dickie demanded that Elliot sign the permission form that would allow him to join the Army. Did Dickie really believe he would gladly sign the form, so he could join the armed forces and be free from him? For a week after that argument, Dickie had refused to talk to Elliot. Anything important was told to Kathy for her to relay to his father.
Maureen and Kathleen finally decided to become roommates, which almost seemed comical to Elliot, as he still remembered some of their thunderous arguments. Arguments that Elliot swore the neighbors could hear word-for-word. When did they become so mature that they were now able to be in the same room without needing a referee? Kathleen was doing well on her medication, seeing a therapist weekly, and her schoolwork was satisfactory. Maureen worked part-time and was nearly done with school.
Now that the kids were finally back to being themselves, it was he and Kathy who were on the outs. At least they tried to keep from fighting in front of their two-year-old. Eli, whose smiling face greeted him every morning. Head full of golden curls with eyes that matched his father's own blue eyes. It didn't matter that Kathy never actually answered his question about Eli's paternity. In the end, Eli was just as much his as the other four were. Blood be damned.
His eyes blinked quickly as Elliot's thoughts returned to the present, realizing that he was now alone. How long ago did Kathy leave? Silence seemed to be the rule of the day. Kicking the sheets off his legs, Elliot sat up on the side of the bed, listening for sounds in the house. He could hear the muffled sounds of the morning talk show coming from the radio that Kathy kept in the kitchen, as well as her voice. He couldn't hear the words themselves, but just the cheerful tone as she spoke to their son, who was no doubt sitting in his high-chair.
His thoughts then turned to Olivia, hoping that she was taking care of herself. He pictured her still camping out on the sofa, instead of being in her own bed. Even when his own kids were sick, they always wanted to camp out on the sofa, instead of being tucked in their beds. What was it about the flu and avoiding bed?
Maybe another reason that Olivia was avoiding her bed was the fact that she had been attacked in her bedroom. The one place that was suppose to provide a sanctuary from everything else. It had lost its safety when Brady Harrison tried to taser her there.
Brady Harrison. The little fuck who showed no remorse for the women that he raped. He hired some science nerd to frame Olivia for the murder of Vandyne, a scumbag biker with the Death Knights. Elliot still didn't fully understand about the science of DNA, but Olivia had been proven innocent in the end. That was the important part.
Maybe he would go check on her today. Of course she would easily see through any of his bullshit excuses he might think up. Knowing that the reason that he showed up was because that's what he did. Taking a deep breath, Elliot finally stood up and walked to his dresser, pulling out fresh underclothes. Opening the closet door, his eyes fell onto the gray shirt in front of him. It was the one that he'd worn when he had gotten into a fight with Blaine. The shirt that Olivia had said that she liked. It was now ripped and missing a few buttons; courtesy of Blaine, but he couldn't get himself to throw it out. Or even let Kathy throw it out, either.
That had been a particularly bad time for them. Him and Olivia. Blaine had entered their lives a few weeks after the Gitano incident. When everything he knew went topsy-turvy. He had been stupid and accused Olivia of "waiting for him to show up to save her". He knew it was stupid the second the words left his mouth, but if there was one thing that he had a knack for, it was for constantly saying the wrong things. And, being Olivia, she had no problems telling him what an ass he was being.
Couldn't she see that he was scared? Gitano changed everything. It put a name to those feelings that he believed were being hidden under all the bullshit and anger and whatever else lurked under the surface. It was the first time that he forced himself to admit that he had feelings for his partner that were completely wrong. Wrong for partners to have. Wrong for a married man to have for a woman who was not his wife. He knew that Gitano changed things for Olivia as well. At the hospital, he had tried telling Olivia that the only thing that he had going in his life was her and the job. How scared he was about fucking things up. Olivia had taken it as him telling her he didn't want to pursue anything with her and she had requested a new partner. When he found out, it had nearly killed him. Olivia never gave him the chance to explain what he meant.
A small part of him had also died the day Kathy had taken the kids and went to her mother's house all those years ago. But the pain of losing Olivia, however, was greater than that. He knew he would see his kids on the weekends and any free time that he had, but he had no idea if he would see Olivia again. Would she want to see him or would she turn away?
It had taken him by complete surprise to find out that she had been transferred to Computer Crimes and was working with people recommended by Morales. "It's in your blood". Those were the four words Elliot had used to Olivia a few years ago about SVU. But it could best describe them, as well. They were in each other's blood.
"Do you want something to eat?" A soft voice behind Elliot asked.
"Yeah. I'm just going to take a shower first," Elliot answered, not turning around.
He could hear the soft rustle of Kathy's robe as she left the room. Randomly grabbing a shirt from the closet, Elliot then headed towards their bathroom to get ready for the day. Half an hour later, he walked into the kitchen, where Eli was still sitting in his high-chair merrily playing with the Cheerios on the tray in front of him. His son looked up and greeted Elliot with a toothy grin in the way only a two-year-old could. Kathy was seated at the breakfast table, its surface still cluttered with dishes from the twins, as she read the morning paper. Looking around, he saw no signs of breakfast preparation. Instead of asking about the promised breakfast, he silently grabbed a cup of coffee.
Kathy glanced up at him.
"I didn't know how long you were going to be with your shower. I could make you something."
"I'll just grab something later."
"I didn't know you were working today." Kathy looked back at him, surprise in her eyes.
"I'm not." He answered simply.
Both knew what the answer meant. He was planning on going to Olivia's. For a few seconds, Kathy looked at him, then she returned her attention to the paper in front of her. Elliot wasn't sure if he should say something or if something even needed to be said. Sliding a section of the paper to him, he then nursed his coffee while joining his wife in reading.
"I don't know how much more I can take of this, Elliot."
The comment was so softly spoken that Elliot wasn't sure if he heard correctly. Looking up, he met Kathy's eyes.
What did she want him to say?
"I'm sitting here, still trying to understand why you went behind my back. Can you explain that to me?"
"I didn't go behind your back, Kathy."
Kathy narrowed her eyes at Elliot, sighing angrily.
"No? I had to find out that you bailed out Olivia from someone else. Why didn't you tell me?"
Elliot could feel his irritation start rising again. He didn't want to have this conversation in front of his son. Rehashing everything from last night. Didn't he say everything last night?
"What's done is done, Kathy."
Kathy slid the paper away from her, leaning towards the table slightly as if she was trying to keep Eli from hearing her words. Elliot quickly glanced at Eli to gauge his son's reaction to his parents fighting, but the toddler seemed more interested in scooting the Cheerio from one end of the high-chair tray to the other.
"So, I can only imagine that you'll go see her today. Your day off. God forbid that you miss a day of seeing her."
Kathy hissed.
"I'm not having this conversation. Do you hear me? I'm not. We talked about this last night. What's the use in rehashing things now?" Elliot tried to keep his anger out of his tone, but knew it was there.
"Talked. Is that what we did? I seem to remember that there was a lot of yelling."
"What do you want me to say, Kathy? That I'm sorry? I can't. I won't." Elliot nearly growled.
And that was where the trouble remained between the two of them. Both wanting the other to apologize for being unreasonable, while not budging a miniscule step on either of their stances. Silence fell between the two of them, both unsure of what more should be said. The talk radio show had ended and it was now playing some of the soft rock that Kathy liked. Elliot lowered his gaze to his half-drunk coffee, mindlessly playing with the corners of the newspaper section that was still before him.
What now?
Was he supposed to say something?
Was she?
As the silence continued, Elliot wished that he was working, just as an excuse to leave the house. But if he left now, they both knew where he would go. The same place that he had been going for the past few days. If he really wanted to admit the truth to himself, it would be same place that he had been going for the past eleven years.
Knowing that any more conversation would be stalled until she made that first move, Kathy stood up and released Eli from his high-chair. Without another word or look, she picked Eli up and walked past Elliot, leaving him alone at the table with his coffee.
He heard her quietly heading up the stairs as Elliot stood up and walked out the back patio door. Grabbing his keys from the rack on the wall, he shut the door behind him and headed towards his Jeep that was parked in the driveway.
In the argument last night, one of the things that Kathy mentioned was that for the past 11 years, Olivia haunted their marriage. But the truth was Olivia haunted him as well in his dreams and his thoughts.
A married man who was in love with his partner. Elliot Stabler was a very haunted man.