Part One
Falling
Castiel sat on the dusty motel couch, staring at his hands in the early-morning light.
He had been sitting like that for several hours now, just thinking.
His main line of thought was focused on his vessel, Jimmy Novak.
He was absolutely certain that Jimmy had died. He could no longer feel the strange feeling of other life, a soul that coincided with his Grace, and this worried him. He wondered how it may have happened.
He considered several ways that Jimmy's soul could have been erased, and each one made him feel more guilty.
One way was, of course, when he had returned the souls to Purgatory, after becoming God for a brief, violent and now guilt-ridden period of time. Jimmy's soul could have travelled with the others, and found its way into Purgatory, ridding itself of the angel once and for all.
That would have been the kindest option, Castiel figured.
He saw another way it could have happened, just after the Purgatory incident.
Leviathans. They were vicious and cruel and if they had found Jimmy's soul when trapped inside the vessel, they would most certainly have ripped him to shreds. Castiel tried not to think about it, but the immense guilt and remorse hung over him like a storm cloud.
He had killed so many beings, humans, demons, angels, Leviathans and so many more. He had even killed his own brothers, in vain, it seemed. Raphael had been necessary, but some of the others had been unnecessary, and Castiel had wept over these. He had wept over all of them, when the Winchesters couldn't see. He wanted to appear strong to them, and he knew that they would prefer a strong-and-silent angel to an emotionally weak weeping angel.
A single tear escaped his eye now, and traced a shimmering line down the side of the angel's face.
The poorly-painted walls of the musky old motel room seemed to be closing in on Castiel, and he yearned for an escape from the claustrophobic emotions that were rippling through him.
He just wanted to get out, but…
He heard a low snore from the other side of the room, where the Winchesters lay sleeping in the two beds.
He sighed as his gaze fell on Dean, who was twitching slightly in his sleep.
Dean was the only thing that Castiel had stayed on Earth for. He had always been more attached to Dean than any other human, and the older Winchester had always been…..different in Castiel's mind.
Some of Castiel's siblings had been concerned and worried about the strange bond, but Gabriel had always been somewhat supportive, and didn't goad him quite like the others had.
Castiel still could not understand what it was, he just knew that Dean had always been associated with a different kind of emotion to the ones the angel was used to. Castiel did not know what the emotion was, as he still had trouble identifying certain emotions, but he knew that it was different, and very special.
Dean jumped, still asleep, obviously lost in a dream. Most likely a nightmare, all things considered.
Castiel had grown worried by Dean's sleeping habits recently. He had been getting up quite early, before Sam even, and going to bed much later than usual. Castiel recognised the signs of avoidance, and decided that Dean must have been avoiding a nightmare of some kind. Gazing at the twitching older Winchester, he considered eavesdropping on the nightmare. Castiel knew that it was rude, but he simply couldn't help it. He needed to see the nightmare.
The angel closed his eyes, and found himself in Dean's dream.
Sam was stuck on the ceiling, breathing heavily. His eyes were wide open, staring at the room, at Dean. A line of maroon liquid stretched across his torso, staining his shirt, and proving to Castiel that it was an old nightmare, or at least had the origins of an old nightmare…but that one had been real.
Dean was standing in the middle of the empty room, staring up at his brother, yelling his name. Dean whirled around, yelling at the room, ordering the demon to show itself. The demon that had killed Mary Winchester. The demon that had killed Sam's old girlfriend. The demon that they had been chasing since they were children.
Castiel noticed that Dean had the Colt, and was now waving it around, in frustration.
There was movement to Dean's left, and the hunter whirled around. Taking aim briefly, he fired towards the source of the movement, and was rewarded by a hoarse cry.
But it was not a demon that stumbled from the darkness. It was Castiel, clutching his wounded chest, and breathing in gasps. Blood and his shining Grace spilled through the angel's fingers, staining his coat, and illuminating the room.
Dean screamed the angel's name, and rushed over to him, throwing the Colt to the other side of the room.
A pulse of electricity ran through Castiel, bringing the angel to his knees. Dean grabbed the fallen angel, and held him close, uttering apologies and stuttering in his anguish.
There was no time left.
Dean pulled the angel's face up to his, and he moved as if to kiss Castiel, but was cut short when Castiel stabbed him in the chest, causing Dean to cough blood on the angel.
He looked from the blade in his chest, to the eyes of Castiel, and saw that it wasn't Castiel at all.
It wasn't even an angel.
Its eyes were the deepest black.
Castiel slammed back into reality, as Dean woke with a gasp. He was crying, and Castiel noticed that he had been crying too.
He attempted to wipe the away, before Dean could notice, but he could do nothing about the red circles that now framed his startlingly blue eyes.
Dean sniffled, and then sat up in the bed, noticing Castiel.
"Woah, dude, y'know that's really creepy, right?!" Dean was startled by Castiel's presence, and hadn't realised that the angel had been in the room up to this point. Then, Dean noticed Castiel's red-rimmed eyes.
"Hey man, what's wrong?" He asked, getting out of bed and walking over to the angel. He sat beside Castiel, staring at the angel while he waited for a response.
"I-I don't-I mean…I-" Castiel trailed off, staring at his hands.
"Hey, Cas, buddy, what's bugging you?" Dean asked, attempting to look the angel in the eye. Castiel hunched over, shaking his head. Dean moved closer to the angel, and put one arm around his warm body.
"Dude, c'mon, you can tell me anything, right? What's makin' you all weepy?" Dean holds the angel tighter, realising how nice it felt to have Castiel so close to his body, to have his warmth in his arms.
"I-I-I'm sorry, Dean…I was just thinking about the soul of my vessel, about Jimmy…"
"Yeah, what's up with him? Still craving hamburgers? If you're hungry or anything I could just-"
"No, Dean, that isn't the problem…I wish it was…I just-I think he's dead." Castiel buried his face in Dean's shoulder, while Dean absorbed this. He had been absent-mindedly rubbing circles on Castiel's back with his hand while the angel spoke.
"I think Jimmy's dead, Dean. I killed him.." The angel's voice was muffled by Dean's shoulder.
"Hey, man, why are you crying over it? You're stronger than that, man. Anyway, I'm sure he's in some better place now, anyway, right?" He pulled Castiel closer, into what seemed like a full-on bear hug. Only this was far more intimate than a normal bear hug.
"I am tired of killing, Dean. I am tired of hurting people-I don't want to hurt anybody else."
"Cas, buddy, it's not your fault. And everything else, well that was unavoidable. Why so sad today, hmm?" Dean tried to reason with the melancholy angel.
"No matter where I go or what I do, people get hurt. I have killed my own brothers, Dean" He pulled his face up, to look the hunter in the eye.
"I hurt people, Dean. I hurt everyone. I have even hurt you" Castiel bit his lip as he stared into the green eyes of the older Winchester.
Dean swallowed, and licked his lips, as he tried not to get lost in the angel's blue eyes.
"Cas, you've never hurt me, and anyway, what would that matter? We still have each other, man, and that's all that matters" He squeezed the angel gently as he spoke, trying to get his point across.
Castiel had been tearing up slightly, and a few tears had escaped and trailed down his face. As they stared into each other's eyes, Dean and Castiel both realised that their unexplained feelings were mutual, but both were too nervous to admit it as of yet.
Dean swallowed, and reached up to wipe some of Castiel's tears away, breathing slightly heavier as he did so.
Castiel pulled back, but not fully. He shook his head slightly as he spoke.
"I-I have hurt you, Dean. I do not deserve to exist around you"
"Cas! Don't you ever think like that!" Dean responded, growing slightly angry, and more than a little scared by what Castiel had touched on.
He pulled the angel even closer, almost pulling their foreheads together.
Cas, buddy, I can't-I won't be able to stand losing you. It is not gonna happen. You understand?" Dean shook him slightly. He liked being so close to Castiel, and he was able to breathe in the angel's scent. Castiel smelled like a mixture of honey, cinnamon and mint. Dean breathed it in lightly and tried to get his brain to focus.
Castiel was staring down, his gaze sweeping across Dean's chest. He knew that if he couldn't live with the guilt, he couldn't live at all.
And yet here he was, putting all his troubles and worries on the shoulders of the only being that he stayed on earth for. And not only that, but being told by that same human, that he couldn't live without the angel.
Castiel had no idea what to say, do or feel.
He glanced back up at Dean's face, and noticed how close they were. Dean's eyes were locked on Castiel's face, observing the depressed angel. Their eyes met, and they gazed unashamedly into each other's eyes, closer than they did normally.
Castiel shut his eyes, and huffed out, shaking his head.
"Dean, I'm not worth it. I shouldn't exist anymore. Not after everything I've done to you."
"Cas, listen to me. You are worth far more than you can imagine. To me, especially. You matter, Cas. And I have hurt you more than you have ever hurt me", Dean said, firmly. He put one hand on Castiel's chin, and brought the angel's face up so that they could gaze into one another's eyes once more.
Castiel's breath came ragged at Dean's touch, and he tilted his head to one side.
"You really mean that?" Castiel's brows furrowed together.
"Yes, of-of course, man. And don't let me catch you thinking like that again, 'kay?" Dean still hadn't removed his fingers from the angel's chin. He didn't want to. Castiel breathed out heavily, and leaned into Dean's hand.
"Dean, I-" Dean silenced the angel, holding one finger in the air.
"No, don't say it. Don't say you're sorry. There is nothing to apologise for"
"But, Dean I am-"
Dean sighed heavily, and closed in on the angel, pressing their lips together, kissing the angel.
Castiel was surprised, but not displeased. He leaned into the kiss, and put one hand on the back of Dean's neck. Dean placed one of his hands on the small of Castiel's back, and reached out with his tongue to trace the shape of the angel's lips.
It was of course then that Sam decided to yawn loudly, and wake up.
Dean broke off the kiss, his breathing shallow, and attempted to look normal.
He was definitely not ready to tell his brother about this.
Castiel understood why Dean was so nervous of his brother finding out, and smiled cheekily at the older Winchester.
He felt more warm and happy than he had for a long time.
…...