Villager No.20198374649182362736451726's Recording
The Unexpected spontaneous and dangerous birth of the universe (3456789012 B.C. ~ Screw it. The 1 C.E. That way we can seem ancient and wise.)
At first, there was nothing. Five minutes later, there was still nothing. Finally, when all the already extant molecules of the vast and empty universe (Which we will consider non-existent because we want to) were bored and wanted something explosive and flashy to happen, it did.
It all happened with an extant but non-existent molecule named Jerry. He didn't do anything but cry and bemoan his fate of wandering around without a fate. Sooner or later, some other bored molecules saw this intriguing act, and started picking on Jerry. Jerry soon became extremely angry, and in a moleculely way, became tinier and tinier.
As he made himself tinier and tinier, he found his purpose and fate in life. He was only allowed a brief moment of happiness, however, until the gravitational force he exerted on his insignificant body forced him to explode into tiny pieces, forming our universe.
This is a full record of his thoughts.
I'm so filled with HAPPINES…SPLAT!
This was not the Minecraft universe, it was an insignificant universe, but bear with me.
As Jerry exploded, his brethren thought that exploding into tiny bits was fun, and soon started to do the exact same activities.
Brain cells obviously did not exist back then. These tiny molecules created myriads of other universes, all confused as to why the heck their parent molecules would force them to, just suddenly, become existing. They still don't know and are angry as heck, sometimes causing mass supernovas to appear out of nowhere, or sometimes, if so hormonal, collapsed on themselves, proving to their parents the idiocy of their efforts to find purpose.
One particular molecule, an insecure one, forced so much gravitational pull that he created three universes as he exploded. These became the Nether, The End, and the Overworld, and by some freak of chemistry travel between these universes was possible. He was very insecure, but created the Minecraft universe. He caused a great amount of confusion to its ensuing inhabitants, as to the questions of life, hunger, death, and cookies. Same as all universes, really.
After the Universes were, against their will, brought into existence, they made sure every single little miserable rock was tormented to the very end, all because it was there. In every one of the universes, there was a highly unlucky lone planet that held life of its own. The Minecraft universe was unlucky to have three planets, but that's another story.
Each of these planets, to pay for their sins of existing, had to go through the processes necessary for life. First, the planet had to be beaten to a pulp by ice meteorites, sometimes causing life-long traumas for the poor planets. The planets bled lava, which melted the ice and caused it to form clouds, which soon gave rain.
This process was repeated over and over again until each of the planets had been nearly drowned in water. Then, the cracks in the earth sucked in the water and formed the bedrock layer, healing the planet's wounds. As soon as the poor planet thought its nightmares had just ended, its luck got, in the harshest sense, fucked.
Nobody in any of the planets knows how or what caused it, but the first bacteria started to form on the planets, in the large areas of water still on the planets. We will call this the sea. The bacteria started to breed like crazy, and developed the planet's first reproduction recording company, until internal strife and nuclear weapons like spit annihilated 98% of them. Pity it wasn't 100%, the planets say.
After being battered and confused, the remaining bacteria joined together to form the first brain cell. This was a revolutionary evolution, for the first time in history, bacteria could think about ideas, even beyond its primeval needs!
However, these brain cells were still in the testing stage, as many bacteria, even equipped with at least two brain cells, managed to crawl out of the sea and die. This happened again and again, until by a miracle, two bacteria managed to survive the first two inches of moving to the surface. There, they built colonies, shopping malls, and space exploratory devices, the U.S.S. Enterprise, and more, until a more advanced species, the fish, ate them as it crawled out.
And the similarities of the planets to Minecraftia end there. They all developed other creatures, but wiped each other and their respective planets out in nuclear warfare, often caused by one member of a superpower declaring war on another just because the other spat a spit ball at the said superpower.
It is interesting to observe that the fist family tree splits into two parts at this stage. One side evolved into the chickens, while one, being more primeval, evolved into the silver fish.
The chickens and silverfish were practically the only animals on the planets at this point, and soon started to go off in their separate ways. This Era is called the Fish Chip Chop Era.
The silverfish, although primeval, built structures like mines and strongholds, but abandoned the mines to sleep curled in their stones in strongholds. The chickens tried reproduction again and again, but never seemed to get it quite right until the egg. Their failures in preserving their species can be seen in the modern cow, pig, squid, trees, flowers and others.
By this time, the plant of Minecraftia seemed to have had enough with its inhabitants, and tried to bring on an early Armageddon by causing a giant flood. The silverfish were fine, they were holed up in their strongholds, but about 95% of Minecraftia's population was confused out of existence.
Minecraftia cried for ten thousand years, causing the everlasting rain, that caused the great flood to rise right up to the atmosphere.
By this time, it was evident that land species would die out, so the chickens engineered a giant feather for all living species to live on during the flood. Hence there forth, chickens have always carried the feather to remember this accomplishment, and those who didn't have the feathers were outcasts.
During this time, squids ruled the earth. Squids sometimes achieved giant size, stretching up to two chunks, when one squid of this size accidentally pulled up the plug of Minecraftia with its tentacle.
The plug of Minecraftia is a wonder, for nobody knows how it got there and why it was placed there. Some religions, such as the religion of the Plumbers, have stated that the gods Mario and Luigi set the plug to be there to save all the land creatures, but the important fact is that the giant squids soon came to an end, and sea levels decreased dramatically.
Nothing is known of the thoughts of Minecraftia from this point on.
As soon as the feather crafts landed back on solid ground, many animals went back to their frolicking ways, but some wanted something interesting and took up the practice of eating flesh.
Bears and wolves soon appeared, and, when the king of the bears had an argument with the pup of the wolves, nature, in all its ferocity, appeared and the bear king was eaten to death by the wolf pup. The wolves exterminated bears thereafter.
Meanwhile, evolution was having its heyday. Some cows turned into mooshrooms, living in harmony with their environments. The chickens did nothing from this point onwards, preferring to brag to others how smart they were in the past, but their days of bragging were numbered.
The pigs evolved like crazy. Some pigs, while high on sand, mated with each other and created the first creeper. The first creeper was a happy, huggable being, until, told by its parents that it looked like, well, a green stick, it turned suicidal and made it its purpose in life to take down as many living things as possible with it by exploding.
Some more civilized pigs evolved into the villagers, who were wise beings, known as the long-nosed ones. They worshipped the one true god, Squidward, and detested discord. They developed feats of engineering, dirt houses, and practiced agriculture and domestication of the first sheep and cows.
Some of the less civilized, but in between pigs evolved into the intriguing species that we villagers will define as Homo Craftiens. These were a strange sort of beings, and screwed the world even more than before. These savage beings cut down trees and made life-long enemies with the creeper, and enslaved all the animals. The Homo Craftiens, or human species actually had some civility, so the villagers have made a tenable peace treaty with them, sometimes giving amazing trades for emeralds.
Speaking of emeralds, the humans started the art of mining. However, ever since Minecraftia was pissed and sent the great flood, all of the stones and minerals were cursed, cursing the species that ever moved the stones to have a life worse than death. The first humans, thinking that this would just be more homework assignments, ripped diamonds and ores out of the ground, and brought on the first Zombies, Skeletons, Spiders, Slimes, and whatnot. These species allied themselves with each other and the creepers, and made it their mission to exterminate the civilized villagers and half-civilized humans, in jealousy of our civility.
In response to this threat, the humans developed tools to fight the beings. Villagers, too smart to get their hands dirty, gave some really good trades to the humans who died and concocted experiments that gave the first iron golems, which treated villagers with respect, almost like a child to its parents. We have kept this relationship ever since.
In the next page, are the categories of the different species in Minecraftia.